all dads do is fall asleep on the couch and not process their emotions healthily

[pounds on table] niche meme niche meme niche meme

me: hey how long is this thing going to last

someone: haha you just want to know when you’re off the hook

me: hah

me: (actually i just need to allocate the right expectations and backlog of energy and make sure the rest of my day falls in good accordance with it so that i don’t feel time-crunched and propel myself into a hysteria because if i don’t know how long this thing lasts or when it ends i can’t possibly know when literally anything else starts and my entire life becomes an unraveled realm of anarchy with no rhyme or reason and how is that not terrifying to you)

me: hey how long will this take

someone: oh like twenty minutes

me: ok

*an hour later*

me: *clinging to every learned social skill i can think of with the desperate hope my distress and exhaustion doesn’t show*

someone: hey we’re almost done don’t be so crabby

me: *smiling* *internally screaming at this SENSELESS CHAOS*

someone: hey do you want to do [involving time-consuming thing]

me: hey that sounds fun! when were you thinking?

someone: oh we’re doing it right now

me: oh. like. now-now? like right now. like you want me to stop what i’m doing and get up and do this thing with you, suddenly, with thirty seconds of warning. now. like this second. immediately. now?

i had a dream i went to nintendo and they revealed to me that all this time the real pokemon designer was this Russian guy named Vladimir Pokemondesigner and i asked him why he named jigglypuff that and he said “is puff. is jiggly. are you a jokester?” and crushed my head like an empty soda can

@im-in-way-2many-fandoms

did nasa just forget bi and lesbians exist or did they ask them beforehand..would they that…i just..what..

its because they don’t want people getting pregnant on space missions, the article is badly written scissoring in space is to be expected and respected

scissoring in space is to be expected and respected

Fat girls spent their childhoods and teenage years developing fire ass personalities to even be looked at as human. So as we grow older and start loving ourselves more and more and we finally see how beautiful we are, we already have a fucking great personality. I’ve never met a fat girl who wasn’t funny as shit and who didn’t have a bomb ass personality. And when the self love finally kicks in wooo shit boy watch out, because we definitely out here ruining lives.

It’s a pine fall day today in Russia.

Things just happen in Russia in a unique way that I’m not sure can ever be explained. Like how a fucking meteor landed in the middle of the Russian wilderness and resulted in the equivalent of a nuclear bomb going off but no one really even noticed.

russia requiring drivers to have dashcams for insurance purposes is literally the best law ever enacted bc we get to see shit like this

if a guy is hitting on u and he is clearly the alpha in his group of guys.. go for the third in command and undermine their whole power structure

me: good morning brain: it’s Feel Bad Time me: good nite

It’s always a hole in one when you have a puppy to help. 13/10  great job

George MacDonald, from “The Complete Poems & Fairytales,” wr. c. 1905

i’m not playing hard to get…i don’t know how to talk

Hi genital,