"It's been fourteen years, and still not a day goes by that I don't miss your dad."
Do you know what hurts the most about this quote? After all the headcanons I’ve read and gifsets I’ve seen and fanfictions I’ve become obsessed with, this quote has never hit me so hard.
Sirius Black loved James Potter. So fucking much. And my God, did he miss him.
He missed the way James would mess up his hair (despite the rather ironic connection his family had to hair products). He missed the way that he stuck up for anyone with a heartbeat, how he saved Snivellus even though Sirius would have let him die, how he would put everyone else’s life before his, without even thinking. How he laughed, with his eyes crinkling and mouth smiling and clutching his stomach as though the amusement pained him, when really, Sirius knew, he thrived off it, he lived for it. How he always let Pete win at Wizard’s Chess, how he made sure to copy down extra notes just for Remus and collect all his homework so he wouldn’t get behind on the days following the Full Moon, how he wrapped a blanket around each of their sleeping forms when they had fallen asleep in front of the fire, or made sure to slip extra woolly socks on their feet when it was cold. He missed how James spoke, with that tinge of laughter lingering in his voice long after the punchline had been told. How his eyes always seemed to know what you meant and how you meant it and his hands were gentle enough to cradle your broken heart. How he smelt of firewood and all things sugar and spice and flowers on a wet summers day and home. He missed how James was always home to him; he was the warmth on the winter nights, and the supporting hand on your shoulder that held you up when you couldn’t stand. He was the mother hen you needed to make sure you ate enough when you were having bad days, really really bad days, and the father you craved when you needed someone to jump up and down on the sidelines with encouragement bursting like sunbeams from his face. He was the friend who was closer than a brother, who you loved and who loved you more then everything and anything in the world.
Sirius missed the way James’ eyes would light up when they were planning a prank, and the way his voice would speed up into an almost nonsensical gibberish because he wanted to share his ideas with something he was passionate about. How he treasured his old, shitty broom more than anything else, despite the fact that his dad had offered to buy him all the latest models, because he didn’t want to ‘ruin his lucky streak’. And of course, he was right. Even though all the other players had better brooms, somehow James always conquered the pitch with an unbelievable ease. How he spent hours in the library after curfew, a little 12 year old boy, desperately searching for an answer and then, a solution to Remus’ furry little problem. How in third year, he stayed up until the sun broke the stark darkness of the night, scared out of his wits because, “Sirius… I think I’m in love.” How after then, he had swallowed every time he saw Lily Evans, and tried harder in everything he did, and eventually learnt that girls don’t like young boys, girls like young men, and grew up. He missed the way James suddenly started smelling of aftershave, and how his cheeks and ears and neck would stain a bright pink whenever someone brought it up. And how his hair became a tad tidier overnight.
And then it got very dark very fast and Sirius didn’t miss that. He didn’t miss how looming the shadows got, and how every morning, the sight of the owls bringing letters and newspapers brought instead trepidation and dread. He didn’t miss the screams from newly-forged orphans, or the silence of the Great Hall at Breakfast. He didn’t miss the way Peter suddenly stopped speaking, and Remus suddenly stopped eating.
But he missed how James would stand up straight and walk like he was young and free and happy. He missed how his friend would raise his chin, paint a smile on his face and act like nothing was wrong and everything was going to be okay, even though it wasn’t and they knew it wasn’t, but James said it was and they had that to keep them going.
Sirius missed how James’ arms around him felt like the only place he could ever belong. How when James smiled at him, he knew that happiness existed and he wanted to crawl into his happiness and live there forever.
But he couldn’t. Because forever didn’t exist. James Potter never got forever. Because the boy who Sirius met on the train to Hogwarts with the toothy grin and messy hair and taught him that family didn’t necessarily mean the one you were born into and the blood you shared, the one who laughed all the time, and seemed to glow with youth and smell of home, the boy who represented everything good in the world was dead before he reached twenty-two.
And Sirius missed James so much. With every fiber of his being. In fact, not a day had gone by that he hadn’t missed James with such a hopeless longing, because he loved him. And James was dead.