i'm a mess

If you are learning a second language, and even tho you barely speak it, try using it to communicate with someone who will understand it easier than your first language (even if or especially if you struggle more with that foreign language than they struggle with your native language), I just need you to know, it's amazing and I'm proud of you. Even if it takes you minutes to form even just half a sentence.

Yes, this goes out to my senpai, who knows I'd understand most of what he says if he spoke Japanese and I could ask for the rest, but who still tries to speak English, even if it took him 2 minutes to phrase that he wants me to join an event. He tried and I do my best to listen and support him.

asdaösdaksjda you're so cute! I'm glad this space feels safe!

ここから始まる。

令和6年5月20日

May I just say: men who are barely taller than me, who are interested in photography, have a (for men) rare hobby, nice arms (not thin, strong, but certainly not muscular) and nice hands, who are quiet unless they're doing what they love or in company they enjoy, who zone out and can sit still but only until they're told they can move, which immediately turns them into a bouncy ball... Yup.

Got told I shouldn't come to practice on Saturday bc nobody there can teach me. I don't need anyone to teach me, I can teach myself. I just need to be around people who don't mind my presence (and it's a bonus if they're as cool as my senpai). Anyway I'm feeling down now. Trust this feeling to last until Thursday evening when we have normal practice and then again until Sunday :/

I just got my first anon hate... for ranting about bullying and depression. I blocked them, so i don't think they can see this message, but for anyone reading: if you see me talking about bullying and depression and things of similiar weight, know that i do not take these things lighly and you cannot tell me any hurtful thing i haven't thought myself. And if you are on the recieving end of such messages, block these people and forget about them as fast as possible because their life has to be very sad when they can only look down on people who are already struggling instead of reaching out with a friendly word. (still lowkey wondering who tf that was and if i know them irl)

I've had like one of these awful days where you just feel down. Like... I wanted to go hiking with friends but my foot is still acting up, so I couldn't. Had another one of my "how can everyone but me always so easily find someone who likes them back" moments (still have that, might continue for the unforeseeable future). My flatmate didn't do their cleaning duty last week and I only realised when I did the cleaning today. Fuckers. We talked about this two weeks ago, that I've been the only one cleaning the disgusting bathroom for the past 8 months and that they have to stick to the schedule or I'll start charging them. And they still can't do fucking shit. And then, after I had asked into a groupchat if anyone wanted to hang out, I found out that they were meeting up without me. Again. So I decided to go to the Oktoberfest (in may, yes) bc there they have beer and Brezeln and Nürnbergerle (sausages from the region where I grew up) and I needed comfort food. And I happened to meet some classmates there. Not my favourite people and I'm not super close to them but luckily that didn't matter and we had dinner together and fooled around for a while. And afterwards I went to a shrine, prayed and had some snacks there. Shrines just are amazing.

Was supposed to go to a reading of Nakahara Chūya's (the poet's, obviously) poems today, but I sprained my ankle so badly on the weekend that I couldn't go. Also I probably wouldn't have understood a single word and everyone would have talked to me in neck-breaking speed bc they'd assume I know Japanese well enough. Still sad I couldn't go

Tw: bullying, social exclusion

A timeline

Late Summer 2023:

Autumn 2023:

Winter 2023/24

The rest of winter 2024

Early spring 2024

Mid Spring 2024

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Anyone want to hand in any predictions of how this is going to go down? I know I'm overreacting, but I am absolutely terrified she'll also turn this group against me and even more terrified she'll somehow get her hands on my dance group. She has expressed interest in it on several seperat occasions. I'm literally laying in bed rn, crying from fear. I'll message the bullying councillor at my uni tomorrow.

For fucks sake it's 1am can my flatmate stop rearranging the trash and doing the fucking dishes already 😡

Japanese People and their inverted relation between distance and degree of affection is something so special, it makes my heart ache.

Now this is obviously not true for everyone, but for a lot of my japanese friends. I think it's common knowledge that Japanese value their personal space. They don't usually hug or anything.

But many of my friends use this exact thing to express affection.

My friend, who when we first met always kept a safe distance and a few months later sat so close to me, walked so close to me, that we were always touching.

The guy from my dance practice who wanted to show me a video and when I sat down, he sat down close enough that we were almost touching, and his decreasing reluctance to adjust my arms physically into the correct position.

My friend who has gotten so comfortable, that she just keeps cluching onto my arm occasionally.

Especially for someone who never gets these kinds of platonic physical interactions from other friends (aka westerners), this is just so special to me. This inverted relation between distance and degree of affection.