natasha romanoff x fem reader
prompt: “it wasn’t real.” “it was to me.” “did you ever even love me?” “no. i never loved you.”
summary - after your apartment is broken into, natasha realizes she loves you too much to put you in danger. so she breaks up with you.
warnings: mentions of a break-in, smoking, breakups, angst, ptsd mentions, jealousy, mean nat, fluffy ending, happy ending. natasha’s an emotionally repressed idiot.
natasha knew she was in too deep from the moment she met you. she introduced herself, and you had absolutely no idea who black widow or natasha romanoff was. it was refreshing, seeing that little sheepish blush on your face when your friend whispered in your ear, and told you who natasha was. the nervously cute way you played with your fingers, yet you genuinely laughed at everything she said. she fell for you from the moment she had met you at one of tony’s parties. you were a new intern for one of his companies, and tony specifically wanted to introduce you two. natasha was reluctant, until she met you. everything about you seemed to make her heart smile.
you had a witty response for everything, and natasha loved that. natasha loves you, and that’s the problem. in her line of work, love is weakness. love is what your enemies use to torture you. she can’t ever let anything bad happen to you, not even herself. because natasha romanoff is the worst person on the planet, regardless of the starry eyes you give her, or how you don’t flinch away when she touches you. despite knowing her past. the soft touches you leave on her body, along with those delicate kisses. everything about you makes natasha weak, and for a moment, she doesn’t care. that moment lasts a whole year, until you get hurt.
the police concluded it was a home invasion gone wrong, but the intruder didn’t dare try to steal anything. he cut the side of your cheek, and warned you that he’d be back. natasha had a gut wrenching feeling that it was one of her enemies; she knew it was. coming after the one thing she loves the most. he almost had you— he could have killed you. he didn’t, but he could have, and that’s the message he wanted to send natasha. and where was miss romanoff that night? on a mission halfway across the world.
of course wanda and tony had shown up at the station rather quickly, and they comforted you till natasha raced home as quickly as she could. the pure heartbreak in her eyes was agonizing as she saw the cut on the side of your face, and all the little voices in her head told her that it was her fault. she engulfed you into her arms for an hour as you sobbed and admitted how scared you were. how vulnerable you felt. natasha held you that night, as her thoughts ran wild. you slept soundly, feeling safe in her arms, while she felt like some wild beast you were trying to domesticate.
you go to work the next day, despite natasha’s request for you to say home. you insist on going on with your normal routine, and that you aren’t going to let this get to you. you don’t tell her it already has, just like it’s already gotten to her as well. when you leave, natasha’s alone in your apartment, and alone with her thoughts. things she hasn’t thought about since before she even met you. she thinks about your pretty face, and the scar that cuts going to leave. how you’ll always remember every time you look at it; how she’ll always remember every time she looks at it.
she’s waiting for you when you get home. sitting on the couch, sitting as straight as a robot. she doesn’t look at you right away, and when she does she has an inscrutable look in her eyes. “are you okay, nat?” you ask softly, and she wants to scoff at the ridiculous question. you’re in danger; of course she’s not okay. “i have to go.” she says, and your face softens. “on a mission? so soon?” you ask as you make your way to the couch to kiss her cheek. she tenses and you furrow your eyebrows as you pull away and stare at her questioningly. “no. i have to go. i have to leave your apartment. i can’t be here anymore.” she says and your expression turns serious. “w-what do you mean?” you ask uncertainly.
“is this because of what happened yesterday? because i already started looking for a new apartment, nat. it’ll be okay.” you promise, and her jaw tenses as she grips on her jeans. “no, it’s not okay. i don’t care if you get a new apartment, i can no longer be here. around you.” she elaborates and you freeze at the admission. “what?” you ask in a voice barely above a whisper. “this... it’s gone on too long. i didn’t intend to go this far with you.” she utters the words that make you back away slowly; as if the enter place was going to cave in.
“you— you didn’t intend for this to go that far? what are you talk about, natasha?” you ask, and the sound of her name makes her look at you. there’s something in her eyes beneath all that exhaustion. what she’s tired of, you don’t know, but you can’t dwell. too many thoughts are circling in on you. “i mean, we both know i was never the relationship type. that hasn’t changed.” she states, making you flash her a look of disbelief. “of course it’s changed! we’ve been together for a year, natasha! a year! you’ve been a wonderful girlfriend, where the hell is this coming from?” you ask a bit demandingly, and she shakes her head.
“that means nothing. this year meant nothing.” she lies right through her teeth, but the words sound so honest as they hit you. your whole body goes cold, and you wrap your arms around yourself for some kind of comfort, “nothing? h-how could you even say that? what about everything we did— everything you said.” you try, sounding so desperate as your voice breaks. your throat hurts and tears are stinging your eyes. the sound and sight of you makes natasha’s heart shatter in her chest. “it didn’t mean anything. it wasn’t real.” natasha says coldly as she stands up. suddenly this is becoming too excruciatingly real. just yesterday she was holding you in her arms, keeping you safe. just yesterday she uttered those three words. ‘i love you’.
“it was to me.” you whisper.
a tear falls from your eyes as you look up at natasha who’s standing a few feet away. it’s pretty fucked up that all you want is for her to wrap her strong arms around you and make you feel better. she says nothing, all she does is stare at you as if you’re a stranger. as if you’re not the girl she’s been making love to for the last year. you swallow thickly, “did you ever even love me?” you ask, trying so hard to keep your voice steady. the question nearly winds natasha, but her eyes land on the cut on your cheek. the reality sets in. she has to do this.
natasha goes into assassin mode; all of the emotion leaves her face and eyes. “no. i never loved you.” she simplifies, and natasha can see the exact moment she broke your heart. it’s engraved into her mind, and amongst all of the terrible things she’s done, this one makes the top three. your bottom lip trembles, but you bite down on it hard to keep it steady. “i-i’ll help you pack your—“ you try but she cuts you off. “i already handled it this morning.” natasha responds curtly, and your heart sinks. she planned this. she was planning on leaving you. you wondered how long she’s been thinking about leaving; how many nights she’s spent in your bed feeling suffocated by you.
“goodbye y/n.” she says, and as you look up at her through teary eyes, you can see what looks like regret behind her own. why is she doing this? she doesn’t really want to leave, does she? her eyes say no, but she just said all those awful things. you blink, trying to blink the tears away but they fall rapidly, multiplying. she’s walking away now. she’s making her way to the front door, and you know this time she’s never coming back. never.
your voice is stuck in your throat and the words physically crawl out, “please don’t go.” you try to whisper, but it comes out as a pathetic whimper instead. natasha turns her head, but your back is to her. you don’t want to watch her leave. you don’t think your heart could take having that image burned into your mind. tears well up in the assassins eyes as she takes your image in one last time. you in this apartment. you with your work uniform on that you hate. your hair in an unruly ponytail after a long day. it takes everything in natasha to turn towards the door, and walk out.
but she does. she leaves, and as soon as that door shuts again, the haunting realization that it will never be open for her again makes the tears in her eyes fall. she turns back around, she doesn’t want to go. she wants to walk in and tell you everything she just said was complete and utter bullshit. she wants to tell you she loves you so much the thought of anything happening to you because of her makes her want to die. she hears the muffled sobs through the door, and her heart breaks even more than before. she broke you. she broke you, but she will not be the reason you die. you being sad is better than you being dead.
right?
//
six months. it’s been six months since you heard from natasha. the first few months felt like hell. all you did was cry, or try not to cry. you barely left your house unless it was for work; not to mention the ptsd from the break in. you moved into a new apartment a few days ago. it feels a bit better. now that you live on a different side of town, you feel a bit safer, but a part of you wonders if natasha will ever knock on your old door and be surprised when someone else answers.
you push that thought away quickly as you get ready for one of tony’s infamous company parties. it’s at the avenger headquarters, so you don’t know if you’ll be seeing natasha, but you put on a tiny black dress and curl your hair to be prepared. you’re not going alone; you’ve been casually dating your coworker johnny for a month now. you decided to bring him as your plus one. you don’t really know how you feel about johnny. he’s sweet, and you’re trying to move on with your life without natasha.
natasha on the other hand; she’s an angry mess without you. she spends her days in the compound when she’s not training or on missions. she’s built so much arm muscle in the last six months just to keep herself busy from thinking about you. you and your smile. she isn’t sure if you’ve moved on, or if that smile is directed at someone new. she hopes not.
she keeps a picture of you by her bed, and she thinks about you every day. sometimes, when she’s in town and drives by your apartment, she thinks about stopping by. she thinks about pouring her heart out to you, and telling you the truth. then she thinks about the way you looked at her that night; the words she said to you that she didn’t mean. that evening’s been replaying in her mind since she left you. god, she hasn’t stopped seeing your face every time she shuts her eyes. she remembers how it felt to have you in her arms; or when she’d wake up to you. she hasn’t been with anybody since you, and she doesn’t want to be. sure, she’s gotten offers, and there were a number of women and men in the compound who wanted a piece of her, but all she could think about was you. it was as if you plagued her thoughts twenty-four seven.
natasha romanoff has never been in love before you. she had never really felt much of anything before you other than anger. meeting you was like putting water on a fire that’s been burning for so long. a fire nobody else could put out except for you. there was no more fire though; just a drought.
the redhead glances down at her glass of expensive champagne as she stands at the bar wearing a tight red dress. the room is full of shield agents, and her teammates, along with other various workers who worked for fury and tony. there were a hoard of people she’s known for years, some longer than a decade, yet she’s never felt more alone. just as the widow is standing around feeling sorry for herself, she hears the most gorgeous sound in the world. for a moment she thinks she’s hallucinating. it’s your giggle.
natasha looks up, and her eyes lock on you. you’re wearing a tight black dress, and a pair of matching black doc martens. your hair is curled perfectly, yet your back is to natasha and she can’t see your face. her heart falls into her stomach as she sees a tall man standing beside you, he slinks his arm around your waist, and kisses your cheek. you’ve moved on. of course you moved on, you’re wonderful. natasha frowns as she looks down at her half empty glass.
“need something stronger?” yelena asks, pulling natasha out of her thoughts. the redhead turns to look at her younger sister who’s now holding out a flask for natasha to take. natasha gladly accepts, taking the flask and chugging quickly. the taller woman can’t help but stare at you. you turn your body to the side to look at the man you’re here with. he’s talking about something and you’re listening to every word he says. just like you used to listen to her.
“she looks good.” yelena comments, reaching for the flask. natasha scowls, “she always looks good.” the older woman mutters, making yelena chuckle as she shakes her head. “идиот (idiot).” yelena mutters, and natasha glares at the blonde, “you’re an idiot! three years ago you were calling a seatbelt a strap on!” natasha snaps, and yelena’s smirk deepens. “you’ve been such a bitch lately, and now i see why. did y/n ditch you for him?” she asks with a hint of amusement, yet her eyes linger on your date longer than their supposed to. if natasha wanted to kill this guy, yelena already had five different ways to do it running through her mind. “no. i told you, i broke up with her. it was just a fling.” natasha lies horribly and yelena scoffs.
“a fling is that stupid thing you had with green superhero. what you had with her was different, and it’s gonna take a lot of convincing for you to make me believe you broke up with her.” yelena laughs, and natasha glowers at the younger woman, “and why exactly is me breaking up with her so hard to believe?” natasha inquires, causing yelena to shoot her a knowing expression. “because you’re in love with her.” yelena acknowledges, and the redhead tenses at the words. she knows they’re true. everyone in this damn room except for you knows it.
“she’s better without me.” natasha affirms, making yelena stare at her as if she’s gone crazy. “before we broke up, someone tried to hurt her. they broke in while i was on a mission and cut her face, yel. the police say it was a home invasion gone wrong.” natasha scoffs and yelena raises a brow. “you don’t think so?” she asks and natasha offers her a serious look. “it was a message. it had to have been. it made me realize just how many enemies i’ve made. she’s better off without me, because next time it won’t just be a cut to her face and i’d never forgive myself for it.” natasha hisses under her breath, and yelena purses her lips.
“yes, i felt the same before i let myself be happy with kate. but you have to realize danger is everywhere, right? that guy could murder her in her sleep and we wouldn’t even be prepared for it.” the blonde adds bluntly, and natasha’s eyes widen. “why the hell would you say that?!” the redhead asks with a hiss, and yelena rolls her eyes, “because it’s true. the only way you’re gonna be able to keep her safe is by protecting her, and how are you gonna do that from far away?” yelena asks pointedly.
the redhead looks over at you, and as if on cue, you look up and your eyes lock with hers. time stills as your eyes lock with those emerald green orbs. still as beautiful as ever. your breath gets caught in your throat, and within a second all of your progress in the past six months comes crumbling down. you get lost in her eyes for a split second, before looking away quickly. your chest aches as you swallow whats in your glass, and try to focus on whatever johnny and bucky are talking about.
natasha’s gaze is glued to your back for a good five seconds after that. yelena’s chuckle pulls her out of her trance. “you are both идиоты (idiots).” yelena confirms, and natasha shoots daggers at yelena with her eyes. natasha snatches the flask out of her sisters hands and finishes what’s left, causing yelena’s jaw to drop in offense. “that was the only vodka i brought!” the blonde is borderline pouting, causing natasha to roll her eyes. “i needed it more than you did. i’m getting out of here.” natasha remarks as she places the flask in yelena’s hands before the redhead walks away.
natasha turns her head to look at you one more time, except you’re no longer standing in the same place as you were before. natasha’s stomach burns with jealousy as she thinks about you going home with your date. she tries to push that thought far away as she exits the party, and makes her way to the elevator. now her mind is centering around you, and your laugh. how beautiful you looked tonight. you’re always so beautiful. her fists clench as the image of someone else with their arm around your waist is now branded into her mind. she knows she has no right to feel this way; but she still feels undeniably jealous.
as she steps outside of the building, her eyes lock with yours. you’re smoking a cigarette on your own. natasha freezes in her tracks right outside of the entrance of the building. neither of you make a move, or say a word. you blink a few times, your heart is pounding, and you can’t even bring yourself to say anything. she looks down at the cigarette in your right hand. “you smoke now?” she asks, and a wave of disbelief washes over you. she hasn’t dared to reach out for months, and the first thing she says to you when she sees you is that?
you shrug, keeping your composure. “i picked it up.” you respond curtly, as you turn away from her, and continue to smoke. natasha bites the inside of her cheek hard, refraining herself from saying anything, yet she doesn’t make any movement to walk away. “where’s your boyfriend?” she asks blandly, and you roll your eyes, your back still to her. “he’s not my boyfriend. we came in separate cars, and he left.” you respond simply, and she nods slowly. you’re still refusing to look at her, but she’s practically gaping at you.
“you look good.” she adds, breaking the short silence. you sigh as you toss your nearly finished cigarette on the ground. you turn to look at her, a deadly serious look in your eyes and it nearly makes the ex assassin gulp. “don’t do that.” you warn, causing natasha to knit her brows together, “do what?” she questions, and you flash her a pointed look. “the small talk. stop trying to pretend like you care about anything pertaining me. we don’t have to talk. ever. you can keep walking.” you say, gesturing your hand towards the parking lot. you swear a wave of hurt flashes through natasha’s eyes, but she regains herself quite quickly. she clears her throat, “i do care. i care about you so much.” she claims, and she takes a step closer to you. instinctively you take a step back; the hurt in her green, jewel colored orbs clear as day now.
“six months later and you’re still a liar? you know, you should have been an actress, natasha. i guess if you ever decide to quit the avengers, you have something to fall back on.” you snap as you start to walk away. “wait— please don’t go yet. i just wanted to apologize.” she tries, trailing behind you. you come to an abrupt stop, causing her to halt. you turn around, tears are in your eyes yet you look undoubtedly angry. “apologize? for what? for walking out on me when i needed you, or for wasting a year of my life with your lies?” you ask harshly, and her shoulders deflate. “i know what i said that night—“ she tries, but you cut her off.
pure rage flashes through your eyes, “don’t. that night... that night was the only honest night of our relationship. the rest of it was all a lie.” your voice is cruel, and natasha feels herself shrinking. is this how you felt that night? “please i—“ she tries, but you shake your head. “no, natasha. i don’t want to hear it. you’ve had months to try to talk to me, months to explain yourself. i’ve moved on.” you’re lying right through your teeth, but the way her face changes into an obvious pained expression is, in the moment satisfying. hurting her the way she hurt you feels good in this moment.
natasha looks down at her shoes, her throat aches and her eyes are burning with tears. she blinks them away quickly, nodding as she looks up at you. “can you— can you at least tell me that you’re happy? just tell me you’re happy without me, and i swear i’ll leave you alone. i won’t try to explain myself, or ever bother you again.” natasha swears, and you blink, your eyes set on hers. all you can hear are those words she said to you. those words you’ve heard in your head every night for the last six months. ‘i never loved you’. those nights making love to you, whispering how much she loved you in your ear; that was all a lie.
the bitter, furious expression etches itself onto your features, “i’m happy. much happier. thank you for leaving my life, it was the best thing you ever did for me.” you spit coldly, and the moment the words leave your mouth you regret them. the way her face looks; it’s as if you just slapped her. she backs away from you slowly, nodding as she pries her eyes away from you. her hands are at her side, and she’s standing there robotically, kind of like she has no idea what to do with herself. the anger leisurely exits your body, and suddenly, under the pale lighting of the moon, you can see just how broken natasha looks.
“i’m sorry for bothering you. goodnight.” her tone is barely above a whisper, and she turns around on her heels and quickly disappears back into the building. you stand there for what feels like ages; you don’t even realize you’re crying until you lick your lips and taste the salty tears mixed with the faded strawberry flavor of your lipgloss. she hurt you terribly, yet you can’t help but feel irrefutably guilty as you think about how she looked at you after those lies left your mouth just now. you weren’t happy without natasha; how could you be? you’ve just felt so used, hurt, and angry, you wanted to hurt her feelings like she hurt yours. it felt good for a few moments, but now you just feel awful.
you close your eyes and rub your palms across your stained cheeks, wiping your tears away roughly. at least you evened out the score now. who are you kidding? you’d let her win every battle if it meant she’d come back. but she doesn’t love you. why was she even trying to talk to you in the first place?
that night thoughts of natasha plague your mind. what explanation could she possibly have? what more could she need to say? didn’t she say everything she needed to the night she dumped you? you sigh, tossing and turning in your bed. this is for the better. being without her is better than being with someone who doesn’t really love you. regardless of how much it hurts. still, the look she gave you tonight is stuck in your brain.
//
all of your progress you’ve made over the last half year, seems to be lost. you realize how in love you still are with natasha as soon as you can’t stop thinking about her after that night. as soon as you realize no matter how much you want to, you can’t hate her. no matter how much she hurt you; no matter how used you feel... you still miss her more than anything. if you were being honest, all you wanted was for her to knock on your door and beg for your forgiveness. even though you know she doesn’t deserve it.
the weeks go on, and october rolls by. you break things off with johnny before he catches any serious feelings, and luckily, you get promoted at work so you don’t have to see him every day anymore. your financial life seems to be getting better, yet you can’t help but feel as if you’re living like a robot. living day to day; forcing yourself to eat, work, and breathe. a part of you lives with the constant nagging; that little voice in your head that makes you feel so small. it tells you horrible things.
‘you were never enough for nat.’
‘of course she lied about loving you, who would?’
‘you can’t do anything right today, it’s no wonder natasha left you so easily.’
‘she probably found someone better.’
of course, these thoughts aren’t happening 24/7, but they are getting more consistent. one week it gets so bad you don’t go a single night without crying. you call into work for three days straight before showing up and going right to tony’s office. you knock lightly, and he looks up from his laptop, smiling a friendly smile at you. “good morning, y/n! what can i do for ya?” he asks, and you flash him a watery smile. immediately the older man can see somethings wrong. your skirt and blouse, that are usually as prim and proper as you, are wrinkled. the bags under your eyes are evident, and it’s clear you aren’t wearing any makeup.
“good morning, mr. stark. i-i know i called out for a few days this week, but i have a few weeks of vacation time available... i was wondering if i could use a week of it?” you ask a bit nervously, looking down at your fingers while playing with them. “of course you can. though, you haven’t taken a vacation in years. is everything alright?” he asks, and you look up, nodding too quickly for his liking. “yup! everything’s fine! just planning on visiting my parents.” you lie. you haven’t visited your parents in years due to your rocky relationship with them.
he stares at you, seemingly unconvinced. he nods reluctantly, “alright... well, if you want to start your vacation today, you can. i’ll put it in right now.” he says, and you smile gratefully. “thank you, mr. stark. i’ll see you next week. have a wonderful day.” you muster up sincerely, and he smiles kindly at you. “you too. if you ever need to talk, just remember you’re not alone. you dated one of my best friends for a year, you became my friend.” he reminds and you smile sadly. “thank you, tony. i’m fine.” you lie, and he nods reluctantly.
“well, alright...” he trails off as he watches you walk out of his office. “don’t forget your sunscreen! vegas is sunny, even this time of year!” he warns, and this, earns a sincere chuckle from you.
tony tries to push the thought out of his mind, but he brings it up to pepper that night before bed. “i’m sure she’s just going through a hard time because of the breakup...?” pepper asks and he sighs, “that’s just it; over the last few months she’s been thriving! i even heard she had a thing with that johnny boy from HR. but after that party a few weeks ago things changed. i’m telling you, babe, the kids been a zombie at work. she called out for the last three days, and today she requested a week long vacation!” he admits, and pepper frowns.
“a vacation? since when does y/n ever want a vacation? she loves work...” pepper mutters, and tony flashes her an ‘i told you so’ expression. “was natasha at that party?” the blonde asks, and tony thinks for a moment, before nodding. “hey, you know now that i think about it, i think they sort of disappeared at the same time... do you— do you think they hooked up??” tony asks a bit scandalously. pepper laughs at her husbands love of gossip, “hmm... maybe. i don’t know... did natasha ever tell you why they broke up?” pepper asks curiously, and tony shakes his head.
“of course not. she just came back to the compound one night and asked for her old room back. we put two and two together when we stopped seeing y/n hanging around. i never asked y/n about it because it was right after her apartment got broken into. poor kid had to deal with that huge cut on her face, and a breakup. i didn’t want to pry.” tony confesses, and pepper furrows her eyebrows. “why would natasha break up with her right after that? i know natasha isn’t the most loving person, but we all know she was head over heels for y/n. there was no way she just decided to breakup with her for no reason. especially while y/n was going through that.” pepper points out.
tony makes a face, “i don’t know... nat’s kind of an ass...” he trails off jokingly, and pepper hits his shoulder, causing him to laugh. “i’m kidding. look, i go to the compound tomorrow to help peter train. i’ll ask nat about y/n. i’ll gather some more information for you.” he winks at his wife, making her giggle as she shakes her head in amusement. “normally i’d advise you not to get involved, but somebody needs to get those two back together already.” she huffs.
natasha hasn’t gotten more than an hour of sleep since her last encounter with you. seeing you look so beautiful, so happy without her makes her realize all her insecurities were true. you found someone better, someone who deserves your love and kindness. someone who can tell you how they feel without struggling with their emotions. someone who can hold you at night, and allow you to sleep without having nightmares that wake the both of you up. someone normal.
she’s been living on autopilot since she left you, and she has a feeling that’s not going to change. how is it that she can’t imagine her life before you? it was only a year... a year of your smiles, gentle touches, and delicate kisses. the purest love natasha has ever received. it’s no wonder she couldn’t return it the way she should have. she loves you. more than she’s ever loved anything. but she lost you, and she knows there’s no way to get you back.
“jeez, you look awful.” tony’s voice causes natasha to roll her eyes as she waits for the coffee machine to finish up her drink. she doesn’t even bother looking at the older man, “because you know so much about looking good.” she mutters under her breath and tony steps closer. he gets a look at the bags under natasha’s eyes, and the way her eyes are hard and fixated on her mug. “she’s miserable without you, you know?” tony asks, breaking the short silence. natasha tenses, she knows he’s talking about you. “that’s not what i saw.” she mumbles.
“the eyes can be deceiving.” he reminds, and natasha responds with silence. he sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. “when are you going to stop this? you’re both miserable, and it’s obvious as hell that you don’t want to be here, nat. you want to be with her.” he says adamantly, and natasha slams her mug down onto the counter so hard it nearly shatters. “she’s safer without me, stark!” natasha snaps, and tony looks taken back for a moment.
“you don’t know what it’s like to have so many enemies you can’t even go on a mission without someone trying to hurt the person you love.” natasha’s voice is stern, and her brows are pinched together while her eyes are glossy. tony looks at her for a second without saying anything, “that guy who broke into her old apartment... it wasn’t a robbery gone wrong was it?” he asks and natasha’s jaw tenses before she answer. “no. it wasn’t.” she retorts bluntly, but the way she’s still refusing to meet tony’s eyes shows him just how much this has been eating her up.
“you know, no matter how wrong you think you are for her, nobody gets to decide that but her. i can’t tell you she’s never going to get hurt, and i can’t tell you if that fear of her getting hurt when you aren’t around will ever go away. trust me, i know that fear, natasha. but i also know love, and so do you. you can’t just pretend not to love someone because you’re afraid of the outcome. i’ve known you for eleven years now, and never once have i seen you as happy as you are with her.” he points out, and natasha snaps her mouth shut.
“she’s with somebody else now.” natasha announces, and tony scoffs. “who, johnny from HR? word around the office is they stopped seeing each other last month. right after that party i threw here.” he says and natasha’s entire expression changes. she turns her head to look at him, searching his face for any sign of dishonesty. “w-why?” natasha asks, and he flashes her a knowing look, “i’ll give you three guesses but you only need one.” he taunts, and natasha chews on the inside of her cheek.
“she doesn’t want to talk to me. in fact, at the shield party she told me she was happier without me.” natasha swallows thickly as she remembers your exact words. tony rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms, “happier? natasha, she spent the last six and a half months throwing herself into work and refusing to say your name. then all of a sudden she sees you at the shield party and she’s missing work, and using her pto?” he asks, and natasha pauses, scrunching her brows together. “she’s missing work? she never misses work, she loves work.” natasha says, more to herself than to tony.
the older man flashes the redhead a look, “i know. which is why i’m worried about you both. you should go check on her.” he urges, causing natasha to shoot daggers at him with her eyes. “go see her?? i don’t even have her new address!” she hisses and he raises his brows. she falters for a moment, “okay... maybe i have the address... but i don’t have the apartment number!” she proclaims, and tony shakes his head, chuckling. “apartment 345. seriously, nat, think about going to check on her. even if it doesn’t mend your relationship, at least you’ll know she’s alright.” he says simply, before stealing the fresh coffee natasha hasn’t even taken a sip of yet.
she glowers at him as he slips away, making her sigh in defeat. she knows she can’t keep living like this. living without you.
//
it takes natasha two whole days to work up the courage to show up at your apartment. even after she’s standing right in front of your door. she looks down at her boots and sighs. what is she doing? she can’t try to win you back after all those things she said. “natasha?” your voice from behind her causes her to freeze. “what are you doing here?” you ask with a handful of grocery bags. she turns around to see you; you in your oversized flannel jacket and ripped jeans, along with a cropped top. you furrow your eyebrows because she’s staring at you as if she’s looking at you for the first time.
“how did you get my address?” you ask uncertainly, and your face changes. “you’re a spy. you literally are a professional at gathering intel... i’ll stop asking stupid questions now.” you mutter as you nudge her to the side softly to get to your door. you push it open and your greeted with your german shepherd puppy, “hi sweetheart.” you greet her and natasha eyes the dog who comes rushing over to her and starts jumping around her legs.
“that’s winnie. i got her last month.” you admit, and you sigh tiredly as you see a pee stain on the wooden floor. “she’s still learning how to live as a civilized lady.” you admit as you set the bags on the counter and walk over to the mop near your kitchen. you look up and see natasha kneeling down and stroking your puppy’s head, the sight tugs on your heartstrings. “she’s cute.” natasha confirms, and you smirk as you mop up winnie’s mess. “thanks...” you trail off as a silence washes over you both.
“would you—“
“i just came by to—“
you both start speaking simultaneously, causing you to bite your bottom lip. she stares at you, silently offering you to go first. “would you like something to drink? i can make hot chocolate.” you ask calmly, and she shakes her head. “no thank you... i just... i know i promised to leave you alone... but i... i can’t stop thinking about you. i’ve felt like i’ve been living my life on autopilot without you. i’m sorry. i know i shouldn’t be here, but i’ve never felt this way before.” she confesses, standing by the front door, her emerald eyes pouring into yours as she stares at you with an expression you can’t even read. she looks even more broken than when you last saw her.
your fingers are playing with the ends of your flannel jacket, and you stare at her for awhile. “wh-why did you do that? you lied to me for a year. a whole year, natasha.” your voice cracks as you speak, and you mentally curse yourself for it. natasha’s fingernails dig into her palm as she clenches her fists, and she shakes her head. “no. the time we spent together was the greatest time of my life. i lied to you that night. i... you don’t understand, that man who broke in, he wasn’t just an intruder... i put you in danger. i have too many enemies, and i knew you wouldn’t just let me go. so i hurt you, and i’m sorry.” natasha sounds full of shame and regret, and your brows scrunch together in confusion and a bit of anger.
“so you lied?? you said all of those horrible things so it’d be easier for me to let you go?? natasha— it wasn’t any easier for me to let you go! it felt like someone cut a hole in my chest!” you’re nearly shouting, your hand over your chest in emphasis. natasha shuts her eyes, a ragged breath escaping her lips as she tries to ignore the tears threatening to leave her eyes. when she opens them again, you can see the tears brimming in those emerald orbs, “i’m sorry... i’m so sorry, i thought you’d be better without me...” her voice is faint and your heart cracks in your chest at the sight of her. “why would you think that? i love you, natasha. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” you say sincerely, and this causes her heart to flutter. natasha doesn’t even realize she’s crying until she can feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, and falling off her jaw onto her collarbone.
“you love me again...?” she asks in complete shock. you shake your head, your own eyes full of tears. “i never stopped, nat.” you confess earnestly, and her bottom lip is quivering as her tears won’t stop. “i’m sorry, detka. i’m so sorry i left you. i love you so much, i always have.” her hands are shaking and it’s like your body has a mind of its own as you walk over to her slowly. you carefully inch up to her with your arms open, and her heart palpitates against your chest as she gladly reaches for you and pulls you against her.
her strong embrace engulfs you, and the smell of her makes you start to sob. you don’t know how long you two are standing there like this. your arms around her waist and her arms around your neck, holding you to her chest. your tears were surely staining her shirt, but you didn’t care. you’ve missed her so much, she’s all you’ve been able to think about for months. “you can’t just do that, nat. you can’t— you can’t just make decisions for my benefit without talking to me about it.” you say sternly as you push her away, looking up at her with a stringent expression, yet the widow could see the vulnerability seeping through.
“i promise i’ll never leave you again, detka. not as long as i’m breathing.” she swears, as she pulls you in again, kissing your head as she keeps you held tightly. that’s a promise natasha intends to keep.