“is that death i hear stalking me?”

IMAGE ID

A tweet on October 29, 2019 from @DebbiBMoon which says:

Time to remember the best voting advice I ever heard: voting isn’t marriage, it’s public transport.

You’re not waiting for “the one” who’s absolutely perfect: you’re getting the bus, and if there isn’t one to your destination, you don’t not travel- you take the one going closest.

END ID

And in the meantime you at least try to get some seating and shelters at the bus stops to make things less shitty now instead of refusing to accept anything but bullet trains.

You fucking work for the slightly better, every minute. Not the perfect. The perfect is not just the enemy of the good; in this case, it murders it.

Bonus:

every morning i wake up and make the worst possible time management decisions anyone has ever made

JOEL MILLER + THE GIRLDAD GUIDE TO SMUGGLING CARGO THE LAST OF US HBO (2023)

Joel + looking at Ellie with adoration 

So, we all know that Eddie hated Buck so easily saying he was the one who should’ve been shot.

But can we take a minute to acknowledge how much it also hurt him? He’s not just exasperated. There’s a reason he’s so emotional talking about it later.

It’s absolutely gut wrenching to hear someone you love talk about themselves like they don’t matter. Like their life doesn’t matter. And Eddie has been listening to Buck’s self-deprecation for a long time.

This was just what finally broke him.

Reposting for @afleetingindecency tag brilliance…

So I literally just made this post about 911’s gaze on and treatment of the male body…

There is SO MUCH here about bodies and trauma - physical and emotional - and sex and sexuality. I’ll throw in how the queerness of it all adds a dimension to Buck (and Eddie’s) healing that would not be there otherwise?

I would love more of your thoughts if/when you start connecting them lol. I’m going to be contemplating your addition for a minute…

Everyone ignore the fact that I’m reblogging my own post and check out this deep dive happening in the tags and responses. There’s an important conversation happening there.

Adding @buttercupbuck​’s tags too. They’re a good addition.

And then @extasiswings​​’ as well.

There’s something to be said about the fact that Buck’s only been able to find self-worth if there’s a physical effect or outcome. He identifies his body as his most valuable asset instead of himself.

And that was obviously internalized from a young age when it became apparent to him that the only time his parents seemed to show him any sort of affection was when he was physically injured. He’d obviously been in emotional and psychological pain long before that and it’d gone unrecognized and unacknowledged. Because it apparently wasn’t worth acknowledgement.

This gets reinforced throughout his life even by people who don’t mean to reinforce it. Such as Maddie. Who basically confirms when they’re younger and his mother reacts to his injuries that this means she cares. Her goal is obviously not to condone this behavior. She just wants him to know or believe that he’s loved. And it continues when he’s older and estranged from her because the only real contact and interactions he has with her are when he is again – physically injured and seeks help at the hospital. We all know Maddie had a lot going on at the time, but Buck did not. To him, it’s a matter of his misery not making an impact whereas physical danger did. It was the spark that led to Maddie really understanding that he needed to get out of his parents’ home. And then she shows up repeatedly at his bedside and drives home how worried she is and how much she cares after they’ve reconnected as adults by taking care of him whenever Buck repeatedly lands himself in the hospital. Maddie very obviously didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s a subconscious reinforcement that physical pain is of greater consequence than emotional pain. There’s a more immediate and severe response from the people around you.

Then there’s the physical value that comes from sex. He obviously realizes fairly quickly that people are going to be pleased with him if he pleases them sexually. The fact that he also personally enjoys sex easily leads to this becoming a core part of his self-worth. Then you add the level of acknowledgement and appreciation he gets in his job when he puts himself in physical danger to rescue someone else. That’s what’s generally seen as heroic. As worthy of acknowledgement. Those behind the scenes are obviously just as important, but as we all know, they aren’t the ones who generally get showered in gratitude.

All of this culminates in a person who sees more value in physicality than the actual self. Though he’s blinded in a way because that only applies to him. He doesn’t apply that same standard to those around him. Which is of course a matter of those reinforced insecurities and self-esteem issues. So, of course, when he finds out that his parents basically had him to use his body this isn’t exactly going to alleviate any of those misconceptions. It’s going to cement them instead.

It’s really a “Wow. I only exist for this reason,” sort of realization. And it’s crushing. Let’s not forget that he’s in therapy at this point and trying to better himself and appreciate himself more than he has in the past.

So then you get to the finale of the episode. Him being there for Eddie? Him taking care of Chris? None of that clicks as important to him. What’s important to him is the physical injury Eddie received. Because it shouldn’t have been Eddie. Eddie is more than just a body. He’s a person and a father and a friend. Buck’s just a combination of physical parts. He doesn’t matter as much. So it should have been him.

Anyway, I’m babbling. Just saying that this is all something interesting to explore and discuss.

…………………..yep, that’s it, that’s the bare essentials and I’m a broken woman, thanks. I have more thoughts about that tying into why the guardianship conversation and “you act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong” is so impactful, but yes, yes to all of the above. 

this is all fantastic, and i wanna jump in and babble some more, if that’s all right. 

i think the show time and again draws attention to the way that buck takes care of himself, and @buttercupbuck is right in that he is careless with his own body, but he is so careful in the maintenance of his body. like, we’ve seen him talking about his body fat percentage a couple of times (1x07, 2x01), and we’ve also seen that he makes an effort to eat healthy (1x07, 3x04, 4x07). he does care for his body, but in a way that focuses on what he offers to other people, be that sex appeal or job effectiveness. the only time we really see him slipping from this - day drinking, living on take out - is at the beginning of season 3, when he thinks his career as a firefighter is over. there’s something about the way that he can’t just be healthy for the sake of himself. and on the flip side, he’s not allowed to be anything less than healthy, because then he’s letting down the people that count on him his health.

which explains so much about his reaction to the pulmonary embolism and being put on blood thinners.

because buck has no qualms with getting hurt on purpose to get attention, or getting hurt in order to help/protect someone else. he’ll get crushed by a ladder truck or a train car, no problem. he’ll get shot, if it means that eddie doesn’t. but a blood clot? that’s a whole different ball game. 

this isn’t an accident or self-sacrifice. this isn’t an outside force causing an injury. this is buck’s own body turning against him. and after it happens - whether they mean to or not, whether it’s true or not - after it happens, maddie and bobby essentially tell buck it’s his own fault. like, we the audience know that they’re just upset because they love buck, and they were worried about him, but from his perspective, he gets chewed out and chastised for being reckless when he wasn’t. 

and then bobby doesn’t let him back to work because of his blood condition, and buck reads this as once again being told that he’s defective parts (even if he doesn’t fully understand yet why he feels that way). 

i also can’t help but think of buck waking up in the hospital after the pulmonary embolism and immediately calling athena to apologize for staining her patio. like, that is what he’s worried about. he’s just vomited blood and almost died, but he’s apologizing for making a mess. because his body isn’t allowed to break down, but it’s especially not allowed to be an inconvenience for others when it breaks down. 

and then you fast-forward to 4x14, and buck is covered in eddie’s blood. i don’t know how to articulate this as well, but there’s something about the way he flinches when it hits him, and there’s something about the way he has to explain to both taylor and eddie himself that it’s eddie’s blood, that he’s not hurt. there’s something about buck’s physical body being covered in blood that is not his. 

and the fact that he’s covered in blood is made all the more prominent by his white shirt, which is crucially not his firefighter uniform. buck, who puts so much effort into his physical appearance, who worries so much about how he looks to other people - buck didn’t look like a firefighter. the sniper was targeting firefighters, and buck is a firefighter, and he should have been wearing his uniform, he should have been a target, too. but he wasn’t.  

and it’s not just that eddie got shot and buck didn’t (although that is a huge part of it). it’s that they were both passive subjects of the event. it’s that buck wasn’t actively trying to make himself a target.

An important conversation about Buck and his relationship to his body: a thread

WHOA!

Of course we all knew that Evan “Buck” Buckley has big self-esteem issues and huge self-worth issues that often result in self-sacrificing behaviors…but THIS THREAD is a thorough and powerful study of Buck’s complex and nuanced relationship with his physical body in particular, and how that complicated relationship both informs and is informed by his psychological struggle with his own worth.

I’ll be processing this EPIC AND INSIGHTFUL thread forever. Seriously, wow!

adding @yramesoruniverse’s tags in light of s5 events

@yramesoruniverse @extasiswings The most updated version of the thread.

Eddie worrying about Buck

HEARTSTOPPER - 1x08 “Boyfriend”

"lightning went through his hands"

Buck, can you hear me?

[Image description: 5 gifs of Buck and Eddie from 9-1-1. Gif 1: During the lawsuit, Eddie gestures angrily at Buck and says, "No but he filed a stupid lawsuit and now I can't even talk to you because of it." Gif 2: After the lawsuit, Buck drops his arms in exasperation and tells Eddie, "I just want you to talk to me." Gif 3: Eddie sits in his hospital bed while waiting to be discharged. He looks up at Buck and says, "I've been meaning to talk to you about something." Gif 4: After finding out about Eddie's visit to the cardiologist, Buck tells him, "Look you need to tell me if something is wrong." Gif 5: After lowering Buck down after he's struck by lightning, Eddie runs up to the 118 as Chimney's doing compressions and screams, "Talk to me! Talk to me!!" /end ID.}

5.13 - 5.14 -5.18

(for @madamewriterofwrongs 💞💕)

(eddie’s version)

[Image ID: five gifs of Evan Buckley from 9-1-1. The gifs are all themed with blue, black and white.:

GIF 1: A color gif of Buck grinning at Maddie as he tells her that he was the first kid she raised in 5.15. Everything except his face is colored a light blue. The white text is in an uneven Scrabble letter font, and horizontally, reads “Buckley”. Using the e in his last name, vertically, it reads “Evan.”

GIF 2: A black and white gif of Buck looking at Eddie in fond amusement in the doorway of Eddie’s house in 4.03. A second gif of the same scene in blue is overlaid on top, displaced slightly towards the left. Multiple arrows point towards Buck’s face, leading to the following roles: brother, firefighter, co-parent, uncle, partner, friend.

GIF 3: A collage of four gifs.

The top row has the first gif black and white, of Buck smiling widely at Maddie as they plan to run from Hershey together in 4.05. “Evan” is written on top with blue-and-black text. The second gif is colored blue, and is of Buck watching Maddie and Chim at karaoke stoically in 2.08. The white text reads, “God is Gracious.”

The bottom row has the first gif blue, of Buck grinning widely at the man who’d just become a father in 2.14. The white text reads, “Herdsman”. The second gif is a black and white one of him cocking his head at Eddie to prove a jinx exists as the bell goes off before they can eat again in 4.06. “Buckley” is written on top with blue-and-black text.

GIF 4: Two gifs blended: A black-and-white gif of Buck explaining Carla’s qualifications to Eddie in 2.04, and a blue-and-black gif of Buck laughing with Ali at the end of 2.08, telling her he’s glad she called. The graphic on top is of a crab drawing with the zodiac symbol for Cancer on its body. Underneath is the name “Cancer” and a crescent moon. Underneath are four bullet points: emotional, protective, moody, obsessive.

GIF 5: A black and white background gif of Buck teasing Eddie about his love for telenovelas 5.09, not believing his excuses for loving them. There are multiple hexagons scattered around the gif, with color gifs inside some of them.

In the top left corner is written ENFP, with “The Campaigner” underneath. In the center of the gif, the acronym is written out: extroverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving.“

On the top right, in two hexagons, is a gif of Buck suggesting names to Maddie and Chimney, all various versions of Evan. On the bottom left, in three hexagons, is a gif of Buck watching Taylor leave in 5.09. On the bottom right, in one hexagon, is Buck grinning as Chim indicates he can do the manuever in 1.03. The other characteristics in the hexagons are "strong, dramatic, moral, creative, kind, playful.”

/end ID]