it would have been better if he completely forgot.

       but it’s still buried deep in the recesses of his mind, yet sometimes he can still smell fire and gasoline, can still hear frightened shouts and sirens. pain causes every muscle in his body freeze, but it’s not like he can move anyway. it feels like every bone had shattered. blood dampens his shirt, his coat, the materials shredded. skin is burned, torn, and when he tries to move his legs he nearly bites his tongue off in response to the agony.

       the paramedics are careful with him. hyun still has no energy to cry out as their hands brush his burns and cuts and jostle the torn muscle and broken bones. consciousness is fading, edges of his vision blurred. he can faintly make out flames to the side, a car with its windshield shattered and front bumper hanging off. but he sees a head of turquoise hair, eyes a similar shade… but that’s it. it’s just a brief glimpse. when he’s placed on a stretcher, loaded into an ambulance where everything is a stark white, where it smells sickeningly clean, that’s when everything fades to black with only the soft question of ‘will he even make it?’ echoing in his ears.

       usually, when he tries to remember that night, it comes out blank. all that comes to him is the fact he had been riding down the street on his motorcycle, then suddenly he was waking up in a hospital bed a few days later with a man that stared at him with pretty, gentle eyes the color of blue seafoam. those eyes are something he can briefly recall. the man introduces himself politely as jihyun kim. hyun grins weakly, eyelids heavy with exhaustion.

       that’s all he thinks he wants to remember.

        hyun ryu didn’t want to go home that day. thirteen years old, and he’s sitting on a bench outside of the school, bent over an english copy of shakespeare’s julius caesar. fingers trace along the letters on the pages, mouthing the words, brows furrowed in concentration. hyun knew that when he got home late, it would be horrible for him. he knew he’d be called an ugly, lazy, disrespectful boy. but if he could at least escape for a little while… just… a little while…

       a jolt passes through his body when he sees someone stop in front of him, snapping him out of his focus. he sees dress shoes and knee-high socks and the hem of a skirt. then he glances all the way up. it’s a pretty girl, one in his class. what’s her name again…? sunhee kim, right? she stares at him with bright hazel eyes framed by tawny hair and a smile at her lips. hyun is wary, but she doesn’t make to touch him, to invade his space.

       “you don’t want to go home?” her voice is nice. hyun doesn’t think he’s really heard her talk before. it’s breezy, gentle, sweet. he shakes his head, slowly, and her hand tightens around the strap of her bag.

       “me neither... ah, well… can i sit with you, maybe?”

       “su— sure.” he scoots aside to make room, feeling his face heat up when she settles down beside him, peering over at the pages of the book.

       “do you know english? i’m trying to learn…”

       “yeah. um, a bit. mainly from reading.” god, he must be red as a beet right now. every muscle freezes when sunhee reaches over, but not to touch him. instead, she brushes her fingertip over one of the words on the page. hyun blinks, turns his gaze up to her, where her eyes are focused on the book.

       then she glances up to him, snickering quietly. “can you read a little bit to me? if it’s not too much trouble…”

       hyun gnaws on the inside of his cheek, wills his muscles to relax, to release the tension in them. but he nods, glances back down to the page while he clears his throat. it comes easily to him, and he wonders just how long they sit there with his voice mixing with trees rustling and birds chirping. it’s when she finally hops off the bench that he stops. it’s late. the sky is painted a vivid orange. she bids him farewell, eyes sparkling all the while, and hyun manages a grin and a wave as she scampers away.

       the book is slid into his bag. quietly, he makes his way home.

       sometimes, things weren’t all bad.

        eyes crack open in the darkness, only a sliver of moonlight spilling in from the small window barely illuminating the bedroom. it’s cold, he really should get his heater checked out soon. he practically lived in a basement, and winter was swiftly approaching. the heavy comforter is tugged over his shoulders, drowsy lids slipping shut though sleep does not come to him again so quickly.

       he can’t stop thinking about the dream he had. where he saw a young woman, with brown hair spilling down her shoulders, eyes glimmering, cheeks pink as she smiled wide and touched his hand. zen’s heart had fluttered, the pretty little thing treating him with genuine kindness and compassion. not because he was handsome, but because she actually cared. and he wonders if this dream will become a reality, like many in the past have. he wonders what change is about to come into his life.

       and zen had kissed the top of her hand, murmured tender words against her skin, but it all faded away when his brain roused him from his slumber. the actor sighs, opens his eyes, stares at the blinking light of his cell phone on the nightstand. no one would be online. it was all just a dream, is what he continues to tell himself, even as sleep finally takes him once more.

       the next day, a stranger enters their chat room.