Lessons from my Hypergamous Sister 💕
I've spoken about my sister a bit on this blog but for a more formal introduction, she is a 26-year-old graduate student working in Boston. More importantly, she is the quintessential hypergamous woman. While I don't agree with all of her tips, I do think they're all valuable so without further ado, here are some of her top lessons on dating very wealthy and very well-to-do men:
Assume he just wants to sleep with you.
As I've mentioned before, my sister is drop-dead gorgeous and as a result, she attracts a lot of men. And if there's one thing she's learned, it's that the majority of the men you meet will only show you the amount of affection that you require to let them into your bed. She's actually come up with a statistic on the matter (I'm not a professional. She's not a professional. Take it or leave it): 7/10 men will leave once they realize that they have to develop a relationship with you to have sex. I've asked my brothers, my male friends, their male friends, and my male classmates (great way to break the ice during a study session) and they've all pretty much confirmed the same thing: Most of the time when they meet a girl, all they want from her is sex. They don't care about a relationship until they actually get to know her, but most of the time (approximately 7 out of every 10 times), they don't want to go through the effort of actually pursuing a relationship. So once they realize she's not down to have sex early on, they move on to the next. Yes, this way of thinking is a bit crude, but to my sister, it's actually a bit encouraging. Why? Because when she meets a guy, she assumes he just wants to have sex with her which allows her to maintain a clear headspace. And there will be no butterflies in the stomach, no ruminating with friends, no future planning, and NO feelings until she is 100% sure he wants a relationship and not just sex.
Avoid competitive friends.
Because when it comes down to it, they won't offer you the unconditional support you need when life gets tough. Being a hypergamous woman isn't just about dating rich men, it's also about having a network of incredible people to support you and your romantic endeavors. My sister has had the same friends since she was a freshman in boarding school because she trusts them and understands that there's no weird sense of competition between her and them. She refuses to make a new set of close friends and honestly, I can't blame her because I've found that so many accomplished women out there are not actually all that supportive. In fact, many of them are only successful because they're deeply insecure and feel the need to do "great" things just to gain a sense of self-worth. I've finally stopped being stubborn and started taking her advice and as a result, I now have a group of friends that I'm in love with because despite us all killing it in our own right, we are genuinely delighted when one of us succeeds. My best friends are working at Google, Goldman Sachs, and JP Morgan and when we're all living together post-graduation, you better believe there's not going to be any air of jealousy in our household. If I had settled for a group of competitive friends who felt the need to kick each other down for the sake of securing a guy or an opportunity, I would be miles behind the curve both in life and in dating.
Make an effort to stand out.
My sister and I go out all the time and every single time we do, she’s very quick to point out how “all the fucking girls in this club look exactly the same, and yet they expect men to notice them.” She has a point. Next time you go to a nice restaurant or club, look around at the girls. Odds are they will all have their hair vaguely styled the same way (the sleek buns have got to be retired), they will be wearing the same kinds of outfits, and they will all probably have on the exact same makeup look. And when you’re in a setting in which you actually want to stand out in a good way, doing so is virtually impossible if you don’t make an effort to switch it up. Yes, my sister loves long sleek hair and little black dresses and all that, but she also knows that if she puts together the same look every time she goes out, she’ll just fade into the crowd. Our signature move when in Boston is to force one of our brothers to go to an event super early, scope it out, then report back to us exactly what the girls are looking like so we can find ways to contrast (one-up) them. And standing out doesn’t have to be anything severe. You can easily stand out by putting a pin on one of your dresses or little pearl clips in your hair or wearing a unique purse—basically just by adding an accessory that someone can look at, scratch their head a bit, then approach you to comment on.
Date for your own personal gain.
I’ve always been a fan of the “don’t shit where you eat” style of dating but according to my sister, that kind of discretion is silly and outdated. She loves dating men who are in close proximity to her. She’s dated coworkers, friends of bosses, siblings of friends, and even professors at her graduate school. She's also dated men because they had great connections that she wanted, had nice beach houses in South Hampton, and (my favorite) because they were set to inherit a fuck ton of money once their grandparents passed away. Why? Because in return for her affection, they can help her in a myriad of ways. When she first started her most recent job, she immediately began dating one of the doctors on her floor so he could give her all the important information about her boss and her coworkers. To my sister, a man isn't worth it unless he can move you forward whether in your career, personal life, social life, or educational life. So when trying to figure out who to date next, don't be afraid to consider what boxes the men in your periphery may be able to check off for you.
"Be the sun".
This one was tough for me to grapple with because I like to be coy and silly and controversial on dates because that's the kind of person I am. However, my sister has really instilled in me the value of being ultra-sweet and bubbly around men. It's an unfortunate fact that many men view Black women as intimidating and so my sister works to counter these perceptions by being as open and bright as possible around them. Specifically, she tries to "be the sun", AKA serve as the light in a man's life. When with her man she's always smiling, giggling, rubbing his arm reassuringly, and giving doe eyes. Her number one agenda around men is to make them feel amazing in her presence and it works wonders. She's taught me that above all, men in relationships want to be seen as heroes in the eyes of their partners. So if you use subtle body language to make him feel like you actually appreciate him and see him as your knight in shining armor every time he does something right, he will work his ass off to keep you happy.
You don't have to do it alone.
My sister is very keen on asking for dating advice. Specifically, she asks for advice on everything. She's had me sit in on phone calls so I could listen to a man's tone, she's had me send endless texts on her behalf, and she calls me nearly every day to talk about whichever men she's dating. Despite me being a virgin and not having all that much serious dating experience, she knows I'm Miss I-can-manipulate-any-man-to-fall-in-love-within-5-minutes so she asks me for advice on the things I do know about dating. She also has girlfriends for sex tips and all that as well because frankly, she knows she doesn't have to go through the challenge of dating all on her own. Why solely rely on your own intuition when there are people who can help guide you? So when your man starts sending you weird texts, when you get an icky feeling after he brings up his female coworker, or when you simply don't know what to wear for date night, ask for advice! There's no need to suffer in silence.
Always maintain a roster.
Because according to my sister, it’s silly to waste up to years of your life on a single man who can up and leave you without a moment's notice. Having a roster and keeping her options wide open is essential when it comes to dating. She always has a “main man” that she spends most of her time with (currently it’s a very attractive consultant who’s getting his MBA at Harvard and is absolutely obsessed with her) and then a few other guys that can replace him if things go south (currently they're a GORGEOUS French rugby player and a British investment banker who’s kind of an ass but also has a huge penthouse overlooking the city so who am I to judge?). When I asked her if she ever felt guilty for technically cheating on her more serious boyfriend, she was very quick to tell me absolutely not. And her logic makes perfect sense: she’s stunning, she’s in her mid-20s, and she plans on getting married within the next 5 years. She has no time to waste. At the end of the day, if she ends up alone because she wasted time with men who weren’t serious about her, she’ll be the one dealing with the consequences. So if putting herself first means juggling a few guys and breaking a few hearts, so be it. Men do it all the time.
Lovingly,
Elle
