caffiend

do y’all remember that short story where a scientist like, raises his daughter with no contact from the outside world and teaches her english wrong, like he teaches her that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ have the opposite meaning than they actually do and that ‘up’ means ‘down’ and vice versa, and then this guy meets her and starts to teach her what the words actually mean and she kinda sorta starts to get it and like, realize that it’s fucked up

and then one day she’s not home and the house is on fire and her dad’s inside and the firefighters are like ‘is there anyone inside’ and she says ‘no’ and we don’t know whether she understands what she’s saying or not

wild

no I do not but please tell me more

What IS it with short stories that are just seven crunchy layers of fucked up?

There’s another one from the same author about a salesman who goes from town to town selling his miracle glue. He gives demonstations showing that if you rejoin two pieces of cut rope with it, the rope can hold up a car! (And of course, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link).

But it turns out he’s a conman, and while the glue does work, it dissolves after a few hours of use, which is why the salesman keeps moving from town to town. And we see a few scenes of people caught up in the scam, like a guy who’s canoe sinks because he plugged a hole using the glue, or an old lady crying because her fine china - which she thought she could finally repair for good - breaks apart again.

And then the salesman meets another inventor, who presents his portable flying machine. It’s a little box you attach to your wrist like a watch, and it really lets you fly! The inventor says he actually made two, and lets the salesman borrow one, and they go flying together. It’s quite fun, to the point of losing track of time, and the two seem to get along, conversing all the while.

The salesman loves the flying and the conversation, they’re miles up and it’s thrilling. But the inventor admits the two flying machines are miles apart in terms of quality, and he decided to give the better one to the salesman for their little flight.

 After all, it’s made using the salesman’s miracle glue.

Whoa! I recognised these plots right away! These are both short stories by australian author, Paul Jennings - “No is Yes” and “Strap Box Flyer” respectively I believe!

They were both published in his “Un-” series of short story compilations with titles like “Unbelievable”, “Uncanny”, “Unreal” etc.

I read those books over and over when I was growing up and the plots of early seasons of the iconic Aussie kids show “Round The Twist” are actually based on his short stories!

He wrote heaps of other really cool stories I definitely recommend checking out! Paul Jennings is fantastic! 😎👌

are you telling me they’re making a Cruella movie and she’s not even a MILF??

this is the most valid criticism i’ve seen on the cruella de vil tag so far

Unboxing videos but its a werewolf filming her vampire wife groggily waking up from a coffin when the sun goes down.

Werewolf: what could be in this box Vampire: [muffled voice] your wife

saladin saying if we don’t defend the cosmodrome we’ll lose a lot of new lights just. ur not gonna sit here and threaten the birthplace of me and a bunch of fucking reincarnated bomb kids. but this also raises the scenario.

cabal are fuckin around in the cosmodrome. hive are fucking around in the cosmodrome. the young wolf and friends are trying to stop both. u are 2 minutes old.

the young wolf, born of the cosmodrome, very obviously dressed as That Bitch: SHOOT AT THAT!

some poor brand new light: OH GOD OKAY

their ghost, awe-stricken: that’s the-

the new light: WHATS HAPPENING

i’m thinking about a fictional character and i’m gonna make it everyone else’s problem