the more i think about what i can write in a suicide note the more pathetic i feel it is to leave one
ill keep it short, im dead, it doesnt matter
shederlyn was what pushed me over the edge, that final drop in an already overflown glass. if youre wondering what happened it is just i found out about the lies i guess? youre dating tom and you said you were straight and that there was nothing between you two. admittedly its none of my business but i poured my heart out into that shitty letter i sent you before you stopped talking to me. everyone talks shit about you but i didnt believe them. i wanted to hear things from you, i dont understand why you couldnt just talk to me? you kept going through loops or avoiding the subject entirely. i know its partially my fault but you have to understand im not used to positive emotions. i got obsessed, i was trying not to. i knew something between us was more bullshit than a mythical creature but i just wanted the chance to be beside you as just friends? ignoring me was the worst possible outcome for me.
i know no one cares, but my hope is you fucks change after this. all of you. a lot of you talk about loving or caring but you don’t. about being gentle and accepting but you arent. you dont give people a chance once you see how ugly someone is. you only see what you want to see.
i used to think it would be better if i was alive, even if i was letting days pass me by. i was doing that for a while now, months maybe years. because theres more of a chance of me finding a reason to live that way. maybe sheder changes her mind, maybe i find someone i can depend on and trust. maybe the people around me will try a little bit harder for me. maybe theyll see the things i sacrifice for them, the things i bottle up for them. i pick up on the little things, i was hoping someone else would do that for me too. i might not be kind but at least i try my damned hardest to be.
but that doesnt matter anymore. i tried giving up on my feelings for sheder, but its horrible going back to that hollow, empty husk i feel otherwise. they were enough to keep me going, hollow and empty but at least not cold and unfeeling. i see no reason to keep living on for a better tomorrow when my todays are all hell. the loneliness, my best never being enough, my efforts never bearing fruit it was too much. i always thought itd be fine if i had someone, at least i would have a goal then. i still think that would have helped, living for yourself has always seemed so selfish to me and it is no matter how you paint it. youll walk over people for your own benefit and you wont see who you trample if you live that way.
listen i didnt kill myself because of you, trust me when i say im not pathetic enough to kill myself over someone. you were just that one thing that made me lose enough hope to not think about it anymore and just do it.
but i digress none of this matters. ya gotta be pretty self centered to care about a corpse.
im trying to think of anything i want to say as my final goodbye to some people but honestly? its better if you all forget me. i know sheder has. i know dee will shes cold hearted, distant and never lets people get too close. funny thing is those are the only two people i can mention that i cared about on a personal level. yeah i had friends but theyre all just superficial. i dont talk to them about my suicidal thoughts or anything. internet friends, promises, all that is so empty to me. i dont want to live like this anymore, or at all. let this open your eyes and change as people.
