AC: Comedic police duo of fast-talking, gun-slinging rookie and grizzled, disillusioned veteran officer draw attention after driving squad car into Hudson and then continuing ultimately-successful pursuit of bank robbers on bicycles commandeered from hipster bystanders.

DT: Critics claimed "politico-lifestyle profiling" after a clutch of Brooklyn bikers were arrested for traffic-related violations. Critic Kendra McAdams claimed, "Well, first they come for the bikes. Next, it'll be the underground dance bars. After that...well, after that is fascism." When contacted, spokespeople of the NYPD professed confusion: "Wait, which arrest are you talking about? We make thousands of arrests a day. The bike arrests? Jesus, you people have nothing to do with your time? Don't you have journalism to save or something?"

CT: Man is stung by bee and undergoes operation for treatment. NYTimes mis-transcribes original report and switches out "bee" for "bike." What should have been a B12 story for local consumption becomes a national headline after the National Bicycle Lobby is requested for official statement.

What This Article Is Actually About: NYPD went undercover offering to sell bicycles to deliverymen, luring them into purchasing stolen goods. The men were arrested. People were upset, not least of which, the deliverymen themselves.

This Article Can Be Read Here: goo.gl/UYUrH

CT: Surely this is about a recent trend for yuppie parents who have taken not to scolding their children when the children act out, they are "playing games out of place" and sociologists are considering the long-term developmental concerns for the next generation as a result.

What This Article Is Actually About: Professional and college sports played in unexpected venues or at unexpected times of the year -- a college basketball game scheduled for Veterans Day on the aircraft carrier used to bury Osama bin Laden at sea.

This Article Can Be Read Here: http://nyti.ms/r3pnYn

More Controversially

DT: I think this article is about [censored for fears of liabililty/slander]. I don't think the Times should be joking about rape. Rape isn't good! I'm going to cancel my free subscription!

What This Article Is Actually About: It's one of those heroic-meritocratic stories in which we're told the only thing separating us from the oligarchy is an act of will and a competitive spirit; or, in this case, the Women's Tennis Association. (She doesn't give up, darn it!) 

Where You Can Read This Article: http://goo.gl/Owih3

Journalism is hard

DT: This comes from the LA Times, who deliver the highly interesting news that sometimes you can get unlucky in poker. I think they also delve into such subjects in the article as: "Why We Need More Bipartisanship In Washington" and "Don't Stare At Her Breasts While You're Flirting With Her." 

But where's the party?

DT: I think this article is about the artisanal spirits made by the native Antarcticans, which is now available at a tony New York spot close to you, for the low low price of your arm (ripped off without anesthesia). The arm will travel back to the Antarcticans, who demand body parts to fulfill their idea of "Fair Trade." Your alcohol is obscure and socially responsible: pat yourself on the back--preferably with your still-functioning arm. 

What This Article Is Actually About: People spending $200,000 on whiskey's imitating Shackleford's. This makes a perfect entry into a favorite NYT genre: informing the upper middle class of the upper class's outrageous stupidity with money. 

This Article Can Be Read Here: http://goo.gl/5prtp