Supporting Your Non-Binary Students with Pronoun Changes

“I'm a queer high school teacher, and one of my amazing students started using a new name and they/them pronouns at the end of last year. I helped them write a letter to all their teachers explaining this change, and they just confided in me that one of their teachers flat-out ignored the letter and is still using their old name and pronouns. I get the sense that the kid doesn't want to start a whole THING about it, but it obviously wears on them. What do I do?”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Aly Massey

Aly Says:

Dear fellow queer high school teacher,

First of all, it sounds like you are a wonderful support for this student to have in school. That they trusted you enough to help them announce this major change to all teachers is a great sign, and it’s great to see you’re still looking out for them!

This is a tough spot to be in. We want to be supportive of our LGBTQ+ students, but balancing that support with maintaining their privacy, sense of safety, and comfort is a fine line to walk. It is incredibly frustrating when our colleagues don’t share that same commitment and may even actively oppose it—I feel for you.

That being said, it sounds like you are looking for a way to address the issue with the least amount of pressure and attention called to the student. With that in mind, I would try to consider some environmental factors before taking your next steps.

Do you know this other teacher well? Is this someone you feel comfortable talking to one-on-one? If so, that may be your best bet to start. This way, you don’t have to put the student under any extra pressure that they’re trying to avoid. While you may be steaming out the ears thinking about a teacher purposefully ignoring a student’s pronouns, it’s best to approach the situation calmly and openly for the sake of the student, and to avoid backlash on you both. Ask the teacher if they’re aware of the issue. Emphasize your concern for the wellbeing of the student as a means to connect with this teacher. Almost all educators care deeply about their students, whatever their personal beliefs are. If you can make this about giving a student the support they need to succeed, you may be able to find common ground. However, this is certainly not the only option. If you are at all uncomfortable with a one-on-one conversation, there are plenty of other ways to communicate.

Do you have other adult allies at the school to support you? Remember that you don’t have to do this alone. The stress of student support around sensitive issues can sometimes be isolating for teachers, but this job can be too much to take on solo. Are there other teachers/staff that you and/or the student trust to work on this issue together? Your guidance counselor(s) and/or social worker(s) can often be helpful in this avenue. Showing unified support amongst teachers to actively use the students’ correct pronouns and name can be a strong way to make this stubborn teacher feel the “peer pressure.”

Do you have support from the administration? Is this a topic you could bring up in a professional development or other meeting (without needing to call out the teacher specifically)? Perhaps you could suggest the idea for a workshop on why it is important to listen and respond positively to the needs of LGBTQ+ students. You could look no further than My Kid Is Gay, or venture out to the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) for resources on this kind of professional development. Whether or not this teacher becomes a full blue-pink-white flag-toting super ally is questionable, but pressure from administration and school culture can be a powerful tool.

Are there other students who want to participate in supporting this student/general inclusion policies? This could be an opportunity for interested students to take an active role in improving inclusivity in the school. If you have a GSA at your school, that could be a good place to start (and if you don’t, try starting one!). They could, for example, lead sessions in homerooms/advisory classes about the range of gender identities and why non-binary inclusion is important. The regular presence of student AND staff-supported LGBTQ+ learning sessions (including those specifically referencing pronouns) can help shift school culture and create an indirect pressure on this teacher to adjust their behavior. These sessions certainly do not have to mention the student specifically (though if said student would like to share a personal story that is obviously great!).

You can also show students resources for their workshops like those offered at GLSEN, stories of trans histories from the New York City Oral Trans History Project, the Education for Liberation Network, and (of course) Everyone Is Gay. Having a teacher to work as an advisor in this process is key, so be prepared to offer extra assistance if you go this route. This last suggestion is my personal favorite. Honestly I would argue that kids today have a better grasp on LGBTQ+ issues than most of their teachers, and yet their direct voices are one of the most underused resources in schools.

One thing I would note is that this work has to be continuous, it can’t just be a one and done lesson. But the good news is that this repeated involvement of students and staff can reshape norms in your school, pressuring people like this teacher to actually listen to students who make these requests (and hopefully to even create classrooms that don’t assume gender at all).

With that in mind, keep checking in with your student regularly. However this plays out, these insecurities at school can weigh heavily on LGBTQ+ students. Ensure that they have easy access to a supportive guidance counselor, and see if there are any resources outside the school in your area for LGBTQ+ youth (if there are any for non-binary students in particular, that’s even better!). Throughout this, they are the person that needs your support and care most. And remember to take care of yourself. Schools need more teachers like you willing to step into a sometimes awkward or uncomfortable zone to advocate for students.

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How Do I Talk About Periods with My Non-Binary Kid?

"How do I talk to my non-binary kid about their period in a way that doesn't invalidate their identity? They don't like to talk about it and I feel so weird and unsure all the time!"

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Alaina Monts

Alaina Says:

Periods are...weird. Even if you learn about them from the most liberal sources, they're often associated with womanhood and femininity in ways that, even for me, as a non-binary person who has an amicable relationship with menstruation, can feel uncomfortable. It’s understandable that your kid doesn't want to talk about it when almost every source that mentions periods can invalidate their identity. But periods are just a thing that happens to some folks' bodies, and being able to talk about them with your child is an important aspect of keeping up with their health, so let's figure out some ways to make it easier. Here are five things to keep in mind:

1. Change your language and mindset about periods.

When I got my period for the first time, it was hailed as the first step toward becoming an adult, specifically womanhood and motherhood. But a period is not the first step to becoming a woman, it's just a regular shedding of the uterine lining. That's it. Changing the way you talk about periods with your kid can make a really huge difference. It's easy to make statements like "Well, at least you're not pregnant!" or, if you're a woman, try to find camaraderie with them by mentioning that this is something all "of us" go through, but try not to. Make a period's attachment to gender as neutral as possible. Even saying "menstrual products" instead of "feminine products" is a small change in language, but can make period talk feel much more affirming. If you change how you think and talk about periods, your child might be more willing to talk about them.

2. Find out how your child wants to talk about their period.

Once you've changed your own language, a good next step is to find out how they want to talk about it. Personally, I like to say that I'm bleeding instead of having my period. Maybe they like to talk about it as their "time of the month," or maybe saying "period" is fine for them. The important thing is that you ask them. Make it clear that you want to talk about their period on their terms, and then listen and use the language they ask you to use.

3. Help experiment with finding products (or not!)

Maybe your parent gave you pads because that's what their parents gave them and that's what you plan to give to your kid, but maybe you don't! Be willing to experiment with them and ask them what kinds of products they want. Some people don't like how aware pads make them of the periods. Some people don't like tampons because they don't want to have to be that intimate with their vagina. I personally use a menstrual cup because it made me feel dysphoric to have to go searching through the period aisle every time it happened. And sometimes I free bleed, especially at night. Offer to get your child whatever products make them feel good about themself and even things like extra dark sheets or a multipack of black sweats and underwear. Be willing to do something new every month because our relationships with our bodies can change. What might feel good one month might not feel good another one.

4. If there's something you're worried about, think about using a tracking app.

I love menstrual tracking apps. Just because I've gotten to a place where I don't think negatively about menstruating doesn't mean that I always want to talk about it, or that I want to be surprised by it. But I still need to keep track of when it happens so that I can be informed when I talk to my doctor. Apps that track menstruation are a lifesaver for me—they remind me a few days before, so I can have time to get ready for them. I personally use Clue because it's gender neutral, and I can share data, which could be really useful for a parent/child relationship. Check around for an app that you and your child likes—a lot of them can be really gendered, so look around for something that's as gender neutral as possible. This way, you can keep up on anything you're worried about, and your child doesn't have to sit down and have a conversation that might make them uncomfortable.

5. If your child wishes they didn't have a period, talk to their pediatrician about options.

If menstruating really bothers your child, talk to their pediatrician about ways to stop it. Birth control is not only for people having sex and can be a way to stop periods completely. Talk about what's safe, and then talk to your child. If this is what they want, find a way to make it happen. Medical intervention to stop periods is totally fine and normal, and there are lots of reasons people don't want to have them, including gender dysphoria! Talk about how birth control or another option like it is an option for your child. Let them know that if they don't want to have a period, they don't have to, but that you want to do it safely and in conjunction with a doctor.

The most important thing when talking about periods with your child is to mention that they're normal and that they do not mean that your child is a girl or woman. Don't push, be gentle, and be flexible. Offer them lots of resources and listen to what they have to say. They'll open up when they're ready.

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I’m Nervous to Meet My Daughter’s Girlfriend

“I need some help because I’m kinda panicking over here... my daughter is bringing her girlfriend home next week and, while I ok’d it and said I wanted to meet her (this is the first time I will be meeting one of my daughter’s significant others since she came out), all of a sudden I’m getting really nervous! What if I say the wrong thing? What if it’s awkward? My husband is less excited about meeting her, which only makes me more nervous about how it will all unfold. Help!!”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Polly and Shelby Kim

Polly and Shelby Say:

Hi there! First of all, it’s great that you want to meet your daughter’s girlfriend and that she’s coming over. If your daughter is bringing her girlfriend home, then she must want you to meet her girlfriend and for her girlfriend to meet you. That’s a good sign! She doesn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of her girlfriend or of you, and she’s not too worried that you’ll say the wrong thing or that it will be awkward. She must know that you support her and love her. It’s normal for you to feel a little nervous, but let’s see if we can reduce the panic and ensure that the girlfriend feels welcome and comfortable in your home.

Are you nervous because you’re meeting your daughter’s significant other for the first time, or because the significant other is a girlfriend? It’s normal to feel nervous about your child bringing home a significant other, regardless of gender. This is an important person in her life—it will be exciting to meet her, and you want to make a good impression. You being a little nervous is normal, and it shows you care a lot and want to support her relationship and don’t want to do anything to mess it up.

If the nerves are because you’re still coming to terms with your daughter’s sexuality, that’s okay too. Seek support and resources, such as your local PFLAG chapter or the PFLAG National website, other articles on this website, and the book This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. If your daughter only recently came out, it’s normal to not be fully comfortable with her having a girlfriend yet. Even if you feel totally fine with her being queer, knowing she has a girlfriend and you’re about to see them together may make it more “real” and bring out more feelings that you are yet to work through.

Since you are worried about maybe saying the wrong thing, it being awkward, and how it will all unfold, prepare ahead of time and discuss some things with your husband and your daughter so everyone has the same expectations and there are no big surprises. It seems like your husband’s feelings and possible reactions are worrying you, so I recommend you have a talk with him. Share the helpful resources you discover and listen to his concerns. When the girlfriend arrives is not the time to find out how he really feels. If you can’t totally bring him on board supporting this relationship, at least agree on how he will act to avoid negativity during the visit. Discuss sleeping arrangements ahead of time and come to an agreement so you present a united front. Let your daughter know your decision ahead of time so any disagreements won’t occur in front of her girlfriend.

Lastly, talk to your daughter. Ask how she and her girlfriend reference their relationship. Never call her girlfriend her “friend”—that makes it seem like you are not taking their relationship seriously or you are trying to hide it. Ask if and how they want to meet and be introduced to relatives and friends during the visit. Discuss what they want to do during the visit, how much alone time and space they want vs. family activities. Talk to your daughter about what her girlfriend will call you and your husband, and whether a hug would be welcome as you greet each other. Let your daughter know that you are looking forward to meeting her girlfriend, and make sure she has told her girlfriend that you are supportive of their relationship.

It’s also ok to let your daughter know that you are a little nervous for the visit because you want this to go well. Ask her if she has any worries and for advice on avoiding faux pas. What does she hope the meeting will be like, and what are her expectations? Ask her if she has met her girlfriend’s parents and how that went, and how it could have been more comfortable for her.

Above all, try to remember what it was like meeting your significant others’ parents when you were dating, and having them meet your parents. If having your parents tell embarrassing stories about your childhood and showing photos taken during puberty was awkward, you know you should avoid that. You want to be friendly, welcoming, and supportive, but you know you shouldn’t overdo it. Be yourself. If yourself dresses in rainbows and has Pride flags all over the house, so be it, but don’t try too hard to make a big deal about this being a same-sex relationship. Show genuine interest in your daughter’s girlfriend, and strike a balance between being interested and grilling her with questions. She is probably more nervous than you are, as the outsider coming into your home. Don’t worry about being perfect—she’ll remember how you made her feel, not exactly what you said. Welcome her and make her feel accepted, and enjoy meeting this special person in your daughter’s life!

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LGBTQ+ Books for the 2018-2019 School Year

By Sara Schmidt-Kost

The start of the new school year is upon us, and as such, it’s a good time for educators, families, and students to update their libraries with both fiction and non-fiction books. It is so important to keep our classroom libraries stocked with all types of diverse books to give our students the opportunity to see themselves and their families in the stories that they read. So if you’re a teacher gearing up for the school year ahead, I hope you consider adding any and all of these to your classroom bookshelves!  

Elementary Fiction - Reading Level Pre-K - 5

Heather Has Two Mommies A classic children’s book about a young girl with two moms.

And Tango Makes Three Another classic children’s book about two male penguins who adopt an orphaned baby penguin.

Red: A Crayon’s Story A story about a blue crayon with a red wrapper that doesn’t know what it should be.

King and King A book about a Prince who decides he’s not interested in marrying a Princess, but instead longs for another Prince to marry.

Worm Loves Worm A children’s book about two genderless worms who decide to get married, but who will wear the tux and who will wear the dress?

I Am Jazz A children’s book about a transgender child based on the real-life experience of Jazz Jennings, who helped write the book.

George A chapter book about a transgender child who dreams of playing a girl in the school play. (Read our own review of it here!)

The Misadventures of the Family Fletcher A chapter book about a family with two dads, and four adopted sons, each with their own interests, and a school year of hilarious and unexpected adventures.

Secondary Fiction - Reading Level 6 - 12+

These three are classic stories of coming out and teenage love for lesbian and bisexual women.

These three books are stories of coming out and teenage love for gay men.

These three books are about trans or gender non-conforming teenagers.

Non-Fiction for Students

Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity Drawn like a story book, this non-fiction book helps younger children understand gender identity and expression.

Pride: The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag This book chronicles the true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official in the United States, and Gilbert Baker, the designer of the pride flag.

Gay & Lesbian History for Kids: The Century-Long Struggle for LGBT Rights An easy-to-read textbook-style history book for kids about LGBT history with pictures and activities.

Queer: A Graphic History This non-fiction graphic novel chronicles queer theory and history in an engaging way for older students.

Queer, There, and Everywhere An illustrated collection of profiles of queer historical figures for middle to high school readers.

Being Jazz: My Life as a Transgender Teen The memoir of Jazz Jennings, YouTuber and trans teen.

Non-Fiction for Educators

One Teacher in Ten A collection of short stories by and for LGBTQ+ Teachers.

A Queer History of the United States A must-read to understand the history of queer people in the United States, and why it hasn’t been included in textbooks and taught in history class.

School’s Out: Gay and Lesbian Teachers in the Classroom This book explores how queer teachers struggle to reconcile their classroom persona and their personal identities.

We hope you have an exciting school year ahead!!

Sara Schmidt-Kost is an out, queer teacher in Minneapolis, MN. She spent five years as a leader in the LGBT student organizations at St. Cloud State University where she completed her undergrad in Secondary Social Studies Education. Sara currently leads the after-school GSA at the high school where she teaches, and she is thankful for the opportunity to support her students as they grow into amazing adults. Sara has also created workshops on LGBT Issues in Schools and LGBT Curriculum in Social Studies and has presented these workshops to groups of Social Studies teachers, other educators, and students alike.

Defining: Pansexuality By Hannah Burt

Define It:

Pansexuality can be defined as romantic and/or sexual attraction to a person regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation. What it boils down to is that pansexual people are capable of attraction to anyone. This includes (cisgender and transgender) men and women, non-binary people, people who are agender, bigender, genderqueer, and all those who fall outside the gender binary.

The term’s growing popularity has been helped along by celebrities like Janelle Monae, Miley Cyrus, and others who have publicly come out as pansexual. Pansexuality can mean different things to different people, which is part of what makes the identity so awesome, but also means that pinning down a definition that fits everyone is a bit of a challenge. So, we are going to do our best to give a general overview of pansexuality, but remember that it’s also ok to respectfully ask someone what the identity means to them!

Explain It:

Let’s dive right in. The prefix “pan-” comes from the Ancient Greek prefix meaning “all” or “every.” However, like with many terms, pansexuality in practice is a good deal more nuanced than that.

For some pansexual people, pansexuality means that attraction is not directly physical and that the gender identity of a person does not factor into their potential attraction at all (“gender blind” and “hearts not parts” are common phrases). For others, gender identity does factor in to what attracts them to a person, but there are no identities that are excluded from their realm of possible attraction. Of course, pansexuality does not mean attraction to every single person that you meet, or even all identities equally.

If your child identifies as pansexual, it is understandable to want to know EXACTLY what that means and what their future will look like. But don’t be discouraged by the nebulous nature of pansexuality. Instead, the best thing to do is to ask your child (respectfully, of course!) about what pansexuality means to them. Hearing their definition in their own words is the best way to understand your child’s identity. Most importantly, respect their boundaries, believe what they tell you, and support them no matter what!

The main thing to remember is that pansexuality is a broad and flexible term that can be claimed by many people, each with a nuanced way of experiencing attraction—and that’s part of what makes the term so awesome! At the heart of any queer identity is the idea of breaking down previous assumptions about gender and sexuality and creating our own terms to describe ourselves, find community, and redefine our human experiences. Having the ability to embrace a term and make it our own is a big, awesome part of that.

Debunk It:

Because pansexuality is not yet a widely understood term, there are many myths and misconceptions out there. Let’s tackle a few of the most common ones:

• “Pansexuality is just a fad identity.”

While the term pansexuality is somewhat newer than other LGBTQIA terms, that doesn’t make it any less valid. The modern understanding of the term has been around since at least the 1960s and gained prominence in the early 1990s due to the growing activism and awareness of non-binary and genderqueer identities. Since then, societal understandings of sexuality and gender have continued to become more fluid and the term pansexuality has become increasingly popular, especially among younger generations. Language is not a static entity, meaning that it is meant to change and evolve to better represent our human experiences. The term pansexuality arose as a part of this rethinking of the language that we use to express our queerness. Such changes should not be shrugged off as the latest trend, but embraced for their potential to bring about better understanding and acceptance of identities and experiences of all kinds.

• “Pansexuality is more inclusive than bisexuality because it includes attraction to people outside of the gender binary.”

Because the prefix “bi-” means two, it is often thought that bisexuality means attraction only to men and women. While this may be how some people define their bisexuality, it is not the most commonly understood definition. Most bisexual people define their bisexuality as “attraction to two or more genders” or “same and different genders” (you can read more on that here). Therefore, neither bisexuality nor pansexuality is inherently exclusionary of those outside the gender binary.

• “Pansexuality and bisexuality are the same thing.”

Now that we’ve established that bisexuality can also include identities outside of the gender binary, what is the difference between identifying as bisexual and identifying as pansexual? Put most simply, pansexuality and bisexuality are different but related identities. Both identities fall under the umbrella of “non-monosexuality,” meaning that they include attraction to more than one gender identity. Functionally, they can look very similar—even the same. While some people proudly identify with both terms, they are not inherently the same thing. Each term has its own history and community, and each person has their own reasons behind the language they use to identify themselves. The most important thing is to respect whatever term a person chooses to identify with!

But while we’re at it, many of the same myths that apply to bisexuality also apply to pansexuality, so just to be clear: No, we aren’t confused. And no, it’s not just a phase.

• “Pansexuality is too complicated.”

If pansexuality is a new concept to you, it may seem difficult to keep track of all the nuances of the term. But don’t despair! The most important thing to remember is to respect the identities of others, whether or not you fully understand them yet. And remember, as curious as you might be, especially if it is your own child, their sexuality is ultimately their own. They have the right to explain as much or as little as they want. And if they are still figuring it out, that’s great, too! Don’t rush them. As a parent, it is your job to listen and accept them throughout their journey.

Be sure to check out the rest of The Defining Series right here!

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How Do I Talk to My Christian Parents About My Kid’s Gender Exploration?

“My four-year-old (they/them/theirs, for now) has been exploring gender and recently asked me to tell family members about it—including my fundamentalist Christian parents who babysit frequently. Is it necessary to have this conversation with my parents, especially since we still don’t know how our child may end up identifying? And if so, do you have advice on how to talk to my parents about this and ideas for good ground rules to have so my child is emotionally safe when they’re with their grandparents?”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Julie Tarney

Julie Says:

YES! It is absolutely necessary for you to talk to your parents. Here are three critically important reasons why you must have a conversation with them about your four-year-old’s exploration of gender.

1. Your child asked you to.

That request was child-speak for “sometimes I don’t feel good about myself when Grandpa and Grandma babysit me.” Something is going on during your parents’ babysitting hours that isn’t lining up with the confidence and freedom your child typically feels. With you, they’re allowed to be themselves; to play outside the lines of gender expectations and explore their sense of self. It sounds likely, however, that your parents are critical of your child’s gender exploration when the three of them are alone together. Given their fundamentalist Christian beliefs, your parents may be trying to enforce gender stereotypes or gendered ideas of how your child “should” be acting based on the constructed concepts of “boy” and “girl”. Maybe your child is hearing comments like, “those clothes really aren’t meant for you,” or “your hair looks silly like that.” Maybe they’re being told, “It’s wrong for you to want that toy.” Even worse, maybe your parents have said, “God doesn’t like it when you act like that.” Your child has asked you to intervene. They are counting on you for your unconditional love, support, and protection. They expect you to have their back.

2. Your child’s life is always about right now.

The decision to act on your child’s request does not depend on how they may end up identifying down the road. The only thing that matters is how your child is feeling right now. It sounds like your child is feeling distress when your parents babysit, so that must be your focus. No good can come now or later from the sense that the love of a family member is conditional. If your parents’ criticism and/or ridicule of your child are allowed to continue, your child may start to question if adults can be trusted. What’s more, if religion plays into that equation, then faith can become suspect too. It may be hard for your child to separate the loving God many preach from the judgemental God of others. Your four-year-old child’s present life is supposed to be fun, fabulous, and creative, so help them be happy in the now moments, as these will shape all future moments.

3. Your child’s emotional well-being depends on your intervention.

With frequent babysitting opportunities to be alone with your child, your parents may think they can “fix” your gender non-conforming child. However, the reality is that unsupportive, negative comments are both harmful and dangerous. A child made to feel shame about themself for their likes, dislikes, and preferences is a child at risk for low self-esteem and diminished self-worth. When those preferences may go on to form the core of their gender identity, it’s important to step in early. Shame, guilt, and other highly negative feelings can lead to more serious psychological distress.

A mental health study published in the May 2018 journal Pediatrics found a high prevalence of anxiety and depression among transgender and gender non-conforming children and adolescents. While an earlier study released in January 2018 also reported increased risks among those youth, it found that better family functioning is likely to be protective for those children. It is imperative that you intervene on behalf of your child and let your parents know their support is critical. That goes for all other family members, too, who may or may not be aware of your child’s exploration of gender. The concept may be new or challenging for them, but this is not about them.

Advice on how to talk to your parents:

This urgent conversation with your parents doesn’t have to be a scary confrontation. Start with a text or an email. Let them know you’d like to talk with them about your child when the child isn’t around. You can suggest getting together at their house or talking to them simultaneously on the phone.

When you do talk, be direct. Your child asked you to tell them about their gender exploration. Obviously, they’re already aware, but they need to know that their grandchild doesn’t feel understood or respected. Their grandchild is experiencing a natural stage of child development that requires their full support. That right there is the basis for your one and only ground rule:

Only positive messages and interactions with your child are allowed.

Be very clear, and then give them time to think it over. Let the choice be theirs. If they can’t agree to positive-only interactions, then they can no longer babysit. If they push back about why allowing your child to discover and express gender on their own terms is “wrong” or “unnatural,” just go back to the ground rule: only positive messages and interactions with your child are allowed. They are allowed their own opinions, but anything less than loving kindness and respect for your child won’t be tolerated.

When they do decide to accept the ground rule, let your child know you’ve had a talk with their grandparents. Assure them that your parents now understand what it means when a child explores gender expression. Then, unless you have a nanny cam, you’ll need to check in with your child. See how things are going when the grandparents babysit. Address any concerns immediately. Go back to the ground rule and the choice they have to continue babysitting or not.

There is, of course, the unfortunate scenario in which your parents won’t fully accept your child for who they are as a whole person. In that case, you can assure your child that while their grandparents love them, not all grownups "get it” when it comes to gender creativity. Explain that, for now, you think it’s important they wait to babysit until they can better understand.

No matter how it plays out with your parents or any other family member, continue to invite them along on your child’s gender journey. You can suggest websites, articles, and resource books on raising healthy gender nonconforming children, like Gender Born, Gender Made, for their continuing education. If they’re on Facebook, you can even recommend they watch the National Geographic documentary, Gender Revolution: A Journey with Katie Couric.

You are your child’s chief advocate. Draw strength from that. Show your child that how they feel and what they say matters. They are counting on you to hear them and take action. What are you waiting for? Talk to your parents.

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What If Our Family Disowns My Kid?

“My son just came out yesterday. I support him. The rest of our family can be judgemental about gays and lesbians. When he is ready to tell the rest of the family, what can I do to help him if they disown him? I love him and I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me. I will support him anyway but the rest of the family is different.” 

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Alyse Knorr

Alyse Says:

First of all, thank you so much for loving and supporting your son during this significant time in his life. You have no idea what this means to him—especially if, as you mention, the rest of the family may not be ready to act the same. You’re obviously an amazing parent if you’re already seeking out resources just one day after your son came out! Bravo for you.

The most important thing for you to do in the coming weeks, months, and years is to continue to support your son in this way. You may not be able to control how your family members act, but you can control what you do. So for starters, offer your son resources that can help him through the rest of his coming out process—there are tons of amazing books, websites, films, etc. that he may be interested in. You can also support him by driving him to Gay-Straight Alliance meetings at school, celebrating Pride month with him, or helping him pick out new clothes (if that’s something he wants to do—some folks like to manifest their new identity with updates to their style).

Let your son know that you’re there for him no matter what, and that you love him and celebrate him because of (not despite!) who he is. Praise his courage in deciding to come out, and reassure him that you’re on his side even if other members of your family aren’t as thrilled. I can’t emphasize this enough—you really can’t ever say this too many times to him, or too directly. Don’t take for granted that he already knows you feel this way. Tell him, and tell him again and again!

It’s up to your son when and how to come out to the rest of the family, so make sure you honor his coming out process by giving him the space to make these decisions. Trust him to do what’s best for him. It took me several years to feel ready to come out to my extended family, and I appreciated that my parents respected that. Let your son know that you’re there to help him as he decides what to do next, but that you also want to let him take the lead. If you’re willing, then you can offer to tell some of the family for him—my mother told my extended family for me, and this was enormously helpful. But make sure you only do this if your son wants you to.

As far as your family’s reactions are concerned, they might end up responding better than you think, especially given some time. You never really know for sure how a person will react until you see it—I’ve noticed that sometimes people who are judgmental of the LGBTQIA community at large end up feeling very different once someone they already know and love comes out. If your family does end up reacting badly, then it will mean a lot to your son if you stand up for him—even when he isn’t there to see it happen.

With that in mind, to help you better communicate with your family members about your son, read up on how to talk to homophobic people. Prepare yourself and practice answering questions or responding to statements that you think might come up, so you’ll feel more confident speaking up if they do. If your family has religious objections to being LGBTQ, then read up about queer-friendly interpretations of the Bible, and about the experiences of queer Christians (we do exist—I’m one of them!) A few good resources to check out related to queer Christianity include Strong Family Alliance, Queer Theology, and Living Out. Remember that each family member will differ in the right way to talk with them about this.

Keep in mind that you have a lot of power to set the tone for how people will react. For instance, if you tell Aunt Emily, “I’m so excited to meet Blake’s boyfriend this weekend! He’s been so happy ever since they met,” you’re modeling for Aunt Emily that she should be as thrilled as you are. On the other hand, if you tell Aunt Emily, “I know you won’t like to hear this, but Blake’s boyfriend is coming into town this weekend, and I hope you can learn to accept that,” you’re creating the space for her to be unhappy about it and to express that discontent.  

Finally, make sure to take care of yourself—you may need someone to talk to if these are close family members and you’re going to end up feeling like a mediator. This can be a long process, but remember that it does get better. To give yourself some extra support, consider joining a PFLAG group and/or confiding in a close friend. Keep reading up here at My Kid Is Gay and sign up for our coming out care package for parents. Never stop seeking out resources for you and your son!

Finally, when all this gets hard and you get frustrated or tired, just remember that what you’re doing for your son really, really matters. It has meant so much to me that my mother is willing to talk to our family members on my behalf so that I don’t have to answer as many awkward questions or deal with negative reactions. She has demonstrated to them how to be a proud, loving ally, and I consider myself so lucky to have had her in my corner. I’m sure your son feels the same about you.

Click through to read about our contributors!

Defining: Heteronormativity By Sara Schmidt-Kost

Define It:

Heteronormativity is the normalization of heterosexuality, or sexual attraction between a man and a woman. Heteronormativity says that being heterosexual—or straight—is normal, and it should be assumed that everyone everywhere is straight unless openly stated otherwise.

Explain It:

Heteronormativity is everywhere, from literature to music, from movies to television, from art to history, to societal institutions, to everyday life. Heteronormativity dictates that heterosexual is the default sexuality. The straight default setting on our society can really start to mess with our heads.

As queer youth, we see heterosexuality on display everywhere we go. We see it in advertisements, we see it in music videos, we see it on the big screen. In order to see our own queer identity in print, art, and media, we have to actively seek it out. While representations of our LGBTQIA identities in print, art, and media are getting better and more common, they have not always been easy to find. In fact, throughout history, we have had to use coded language and coded imagery to avoid censorship and find our identities in a sea of heterosexuality.

Because being straight is seen as the norm, queer identities are often disregarded and heterosexuality is forced on children from a very young age (Hello, “Chick Magnet” and “Sorry Boys” onesies!). Age-appropriate playground behavior by young children is given heterosexual undertones by adults inappropriately sexualizing innocent actions. “Oh, little Johnny is just flirting with little Suzy.” “Is that your girlfriend, little Billy?” Many queer adults had some idea of their queer identity from a young age, but because of heteronormativity we were not able to explore or fully develop our own identities until we are much older.

Not only does heteronormativity normalize being straight, it also privileges those that identify as straight over LGBTQIA folks. Our societal institutions—marriage, education, hospitals, the legal system, and many more—give more power and rights to those who are straight. Even small things, like the way forms are written (husband/wife, mom/dad) normalize straight couples. Having to scratch out “husband” on a form and write “wife #2” is a small but painful dig at our identity and our relationships. It’s just another way to say that we’re not normal, we’re not the default, we are other.

Debunk It:

• Don’t assume identities

Heteronormativity is very pervasive, and it can be hard to not assume people's identities. But we should still push against the norm and do our best to avoid assumptions. When meeting a person for the first time, we can use inclusive language to allow a person to express their own identity in their own way. For example, using “significant other” or “partner” instead of “boy/girlfriend” or “husband/wife” language is more inclusive, gender-neutral, and allows the other person to claim their own identity.

• Make room for queer media

Because heterosexuality is the norm, we have to actively seek out queer media. By advocating for a wide variety of identities represented in print, art, and media, we can use our voices and our choices to push for more queer representation in mainstream media. Watching TV shows like One Day at a Time or movies like Love, Simon as a family is a small and easy way to introduce queer identities to the whole family.

• Learn queer history

The LGBTQIA community has always been here. We may not have had a seat at the table before, and our identities were pushed to the margins, ignored, or covered up all together, but we have always existed. We have a rich and important history that should be studied and included in the historical narrative of the world. Check out our Pride Month series, Know Your Queer History, for a 3-part history lesson on influential LGBTQ activists, artists, and politicians throughout history!

Be sure to check out the rest of The Defining Series right here!

Click through to read about our contributors!

Pride Tells the History of the Rainbow Flag, But Needs Some Other Books to Prop It Up

By Teresa Kane

Pride: The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag tells the story of the creation of the first Pride flag in 1978. It moves from the very beginning of Harvey Milk’s first political campaign, to the creation of the first rainbow flag, to our current times, with the flag being flown all over the world. It is rare for members of a marginalized community to see our history in books, and almost never in books for children. Pride: The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag is a step in the right direction, and I’m glad it was written—even if I don’t love everything about it.

The illustrations by Steven Salerno are gorgeous, mixing the bright and bold colors of the flag with more subdued background figures. Each page is a different color, with a purple sea of people on one page and a dark blue cityscape on the next. We see masses of humanity marching and protesting and fighting together, all with the rainbow flag weaving through the pages. The feeling of the 1970’s is captured perfectly in the pencil drawings of women in bell bottoms dipping fabric into vats of dye. There is a beautiful spread of the White House bathed in rainbow lights that gives me goosebumps.

While this book is full of life and hope and beauty, it is not perfect. For one, it’s not until page three of the book that gay people are explicitly mentioned. Instead, the story begins with Harvey Milk dreaming about equality for everyone, and about how he personally can make a difference.

As a teacher, I often think about how stories are best told to kids. I understand that not every kid comes with the same background knowledge, and that some may need a bit of a catch-up. Kids these days, especially our youngest kiddos, might not know that there was a time when queer folks were denied basic rights, access to jobs, or the freedom to marry who we loved. The wording in the story is vague, and a child who doesn’t already understand the struggle wouldn’t understand this book. A sentence or two explaining the situation for the queer community at the time would help kids understand why Harvey Milk was a visionary and why the flag is so important.

If this book was written to educate kids about the struggle our community went through and continues to go through, let’s not water down our struggle in such a way that everything is sanitized! For example, the illustration of the White House illuminated by colored light says nothing about how we won the right to marry that day. Even young kids can handle hard truths if told with age-appropriate language. I can understand wanting to make this book accessible to a broad audience, but the real story is lost by over-simplifying our issues.

I’d have liked to see more (well, any, really) racial diversity in the illustrations as well. The crowd scenes are overwhelmingly white. While I could pick out some disabled and gender variant folks, I saw perhaps two black people in the illustration of a protest that took place in California, the most racially diverse state in the country. Later, there is a two-page spread with 12 people—eight of whom are white, eight of whom are men. Four black people. No Asian or Latinx people at all, despite the fact that there were Latinx and Asian men working closely with Harvey Milk’s campaigns. White cisgender men are historically over-represented in LGBTQ media coverage, and I wish this book moved away from that.

Overall, I think this book would be a fantastic component to a longer lesson about the continuing fight for queer and trans rights, but it doesn’t work as a standalone. For the most part, the book provides biographical information on both Milk and Gilbert Baker (who created the first rainbow Pride flag) along with some resources for learning more. It is a great addition to anyone’s library, but it needs other books to prop it up.

This book has gotten rave reviews from nearly every major book website and literary organization in the country, including LGBTQ news outlets. They point out that it was a very long time coming and that our children will finally be introduced to an important part of our country’s history. They aren’t wrong in this; it is a beautiful, important book. I just wish it showed what our community really looks like.

Click through to read about our brilliant contributors!

Know Your Queer History: Politicians

Queer history was probably not included in your grade school curriculum—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! Part of being a good ally (that’s you, parents!) is learning about the history, hardships, and celebrations that the LGBTQ community has experienced, and remembering all the contributions made by queer folks throughout history.

The LGBTQ community is still fighting for adequate political representation—however, we have come a long way in the past few decades. This week, we are highlighting a few of the LGBTQ political trailblazers whose work and visibility paved the way for the increasing number of LGBTQ political candidates today.

Harvey Milk, 1930 - 1978

Harvey Milk is perhaps the most well-recognized LGBTQ politician in U.S. history. Elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors in 1977, Milk was the first openly gay elected official in the history of California. Milk first ran for office unsuccessfully in 1973, and again in 1976. During that time, he gained popularity as an outspoken leader in the community and as an activist in the gay rights movement. His campaign brought an uplifting message about the future for LGBTQ youth and held the belief that direct representation from gay politicians was needed to ensure that the LGBTQ community gained equality under the law. His election in 1977 received national attention, and during his time in office he was a champion of liberal issues and gay rights ordinances. However, after serving only 11 months, Milk was assassinated by an anti-gay former city Supervisor and colleague with whom Milk had often clashed with over gay rights issues. Harvey Milk is remembered as a martyr and leader in the gay rights movement and for breaking down barriers as one of the first openly gay politicians in U.S. history—and at a time where being gay was still widely considered to be a mental illness. His outspoken politics and unapologetic advocacy for gay rights paved the way for many LGBTQ politicians, activists, and community leaders, and he was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009.

Barbara Jordan, 1936 - 1996

Barbara Jordan was a lawyer, an educator, and a groundbreaking Democratic politician who achieved many milestones for representation for women and black communities throughout her career. She was first elected to office in 1966, becoming the first black woman to be elected to the Texas Senate. In 1972, she became the first woman and first black person elected by Texas to the U.S. House of Representatives. Throughout her time in office, Jordan’s political work focused on civil rights, the environment, and workers’ rights. She was a gifted speaker and was the first woman and first black person to give a keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. Her speech at the hearings during the impeachment process of President Nixon is widely recognized as one of the greatest speeches of the 20th century. She was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1994. Jordan was a queer woman but kept her private life to herself, as queer sexualities were widely stigmatized—in fact, it wasn’t widely known that she was queer until after her death. Nonetheless, Jordan’s legacy as a queer black female politician is an important reminder of the contributions that LGBTQ people have been making throughout history, pioneering important causes and providing representation for other marginalized identities.  

Elaine Noble, 1944 - present

Elaine Noble was the first openly gay candidate elected to state office when she became a member of the Massachusetts House of Representatives in 1975. During her campaign, she fought hard to define herself by her platform, not by her sexual orientation. She focused on practical problems that voters could relate to, like fixing potholes and ensuring access to affordable housing. However, anti-gay stigma was widespread at the time and her historic victory was not easily won. Noble and her staff endured ongoing harassment, vandalism, and violence throughout the campaign that continued during her time in office. In March 1977, she participated in the first LGBTQ delegation invited to the White House to discuss issues important to the queer community. Although Noble is an often overlooked part of political history, she played a major role in paving the way for others. Her election as an openly gay person has been cited as inspiration for other politicians to come out and for more LGBTQ people to run for office themselves.

These LGBTQ individuals, as well as countless more, have made important contributions to our local and national governments, and have paved the way for the queer politicians of today to continue the fight for LGBTQ rights. As of today, all 50 states have been served by at least one openly LGBTQ politician at some level of government—but we still have a long way to go. Even as Republicans and the Trump administration seek to roll back protections for LGBTQ individuals, the queer community continues to fight back in so many brilliant ways, including with LGBTQ people running for office in record numbers. In the 2017 midterms, we saw many LGBTQ folks running and winning elections, like Andrea Jenkins, Danica Roem, and Stephe Koontz!

We just can’t say this enough: having LGBTQ representation—whether it’s in the movies we watch, the books we read, the businesses we work for, or the policies that affect every aspect of our lives—has never been more important. Having LGBTQ people in office makes our world safer and more equitable, and shows kids like your own that they deserve a seat at the table. Please remember to vote every chance you have, and take this knowledge with you to the polls.

Pride Month is coming to a close, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all continue to learn about and celebrate the contributions of LGBTQ people throughout history. For more places to learn, we recommend checking out:

And in case you missed it, check out the rest of our series: Part One: Activists and Part Two: Artists.

Thanks for learning with us, this month and always. We love our little My Kid Is Gay community over here, and it truly makes us so happy to hear about your personal journeys as well as your Pride celebrations!

Happy Pride, everyone! <3 <3 <3

Know Your Queer History: Artists

Queer history was probably not included in your grade school curriculum—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! Part of being a good ally (that’s you, parents!) is learning about the history, hardships, and celebrations that the LGBTQ community has experienced, and remembering all the contributions made by queer folks throughout history.

This week, we are highlighting important LGBTQ artists and writers whose work has made an important, lasting impact on our culture and society today. For some, their sexuality played an important role in informing their work. For others, it was kept private or even erased by history altogether in order for their work to be accepted by the mainstream. In both cases, it is important to remember and celebrate the long history of LGBTQ creatives and the impact they made.

Michelangelo, 1475 - 1564

It may come as a surprise to you that the artist behind Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel was thought to have been gay. Michelangelo was an Italian painter, sculptor, architect, and poet of the Renaissance. In addition to the Sistine Chapel, he was also the artist behind the famous David sculpture and many other great artistic and architectural works. He was considered one of the greatest artists of the time while he was alive and remains one of the most influential people in the development of Western art today. Although the language of sexuality was very different in Michelangelo’s time and he was not “out” by any modern sense of the word, his poetry contains blatant references to the romantic relationships between himself and other men in his life. The homoerotic nature of much of Michelangelo’s work caused enough discomfort that when his nephew posthumously published the collection of writing, he had the gender pronouns in the work changed from male to female to erase the overt homosexual desire. It was not until over 100 years later when art historian John Addington Symonds went back to the original works to translate them into English that the change was discovered and the original pronouns were restored.

Surprised? It is not uncommon for the queer sexual orientations of historical figures to be dismissed or left out of history books. Other well-known historical figures that are thought to have been gay include Leonardo Da Vinci, Donatello, and Shakespeare.

Romaine Brooks, 1874 - 1970

Romaine Brooks was a queer 20th century American painter whose portraits depicting female androgyny contained a critique of gender well ahead of her time. Her inherited wealth meant that she was freed from many of the obligations that women and female artists faced at the time. Her work was largely done in grayscale, with very minimal, muted coloring. Her subjects were almost exclusively women, and her work included portraits of her acquaintances as well as the women she had romantic relationships with. In addition to the androgynous or masculine attire of her female subjects, she is notable for treating the women in her art as the subject, rather than the object, of the piece. Brooks’ own style mirrored that of the women she painted—her self portrait (pictured in part above), is one of her most well known works, and depicts the artist in a collared shirt and riding jacket with a black high hat and cropped hairstyle. Such attire was popular in the early 20th century as a signal of queerness to other queer women. As a female artist—and a queer female artists at that—Brooks’ work was largely overlooked until the rise of feminist scholarship and queer art history brought her work back into the spotlight. Today, gender and sexuality are on the cutting edge of the art scene, and Romaine Brooks’ legacy stands as an early exploration of gender fluidity, identity, and sexual orientation.

James Baldwin, 1924 - 1987

James Baldwin was an American novelist and essayist whose work is noted for its social critique and exploration of race, sexuality, and class in the Western world. Growing up black and gay in America, Baldwin experienced frequent discrimination, which greatly impacted his literary work. One of his early novels, Geovanni’s Room, caused great controversy for its unapologetic depiction of same-sex relationships. His subsequent novels, including Another Country and Tell Me How Long the Train’s Been Gone, openly portray queer and interracial relationships, both of which were incredibly controversial in that time. Baldwin was also greatly inspired by and active in the Civil Rights Movement in America during the 1960s; he travelled to the South where he interviewed people who experienced the movement, and wrote several essays about what he saw. He became involved in the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE) and the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), where he travelled across the American South lecturing on his views on racial equality and analyzing the ideologies of both Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X. Baldwin was open about his sexual orientation, which was still rare at the time, and his legacy lives on as both an inspiring gay figure and as an impactful literary voice of the Civil Rights Movement.

Audre Lorde, 1934 - 1992

Audre Lorde was an American writer, a daughter of immigrants, and a self-described “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet.” Her writing is most well known for its social justice framework and discussion of feminism, racial injustice, and queer identity. From powerful, emotionally expressive poetry to social critique and queer feminist theory, her work spanned multiple genres, always with the underlying themes of identity, intersectionality, and oppression. Her writing on identity and intersectionality established Lorde as a pillar of the feminist movement, notably penning the well-known essay “The Master’s Tools Will Not Dismantle the Master’s House,” a critique of the racism that was pervasive in much of the feminist movement. Lorde was also a social activist; she was active in the civil rights, anti-war, and feminist movements during her lifetime. She co-founded Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press, dedicated to helping queer women of color get published in a time where the industry was dominated by white men, and was an associate of the Women’s Institute for Freedom of the Press, a non profit publishing organization. Lorde’s fierce and powerful work and legacy continues to impact the literary and feminist communities today.

Keith Haring, 1958-1990

Keith Haring was a gay American artist, and a prominent figure in the New York East Village Art scene in the 1970s and ‘80s. He is well-known for his pop art graffiti and the political and social commentary in his work, especially relating to sexuality and the AIDS crisis. His work utilized bold lines and vivid colors and his early work was done graffiti-style on unused advertising boards in the New York subway stations. His work made overt references to his sexuality as well as social issues such as the anti-apartheid movement, the AIDS crisis, and the crack cocaine epidemic. He also created the Keith Haring Foundation to provide funding and imagery to AIDS organizations, specifically to educate disadvantaged youth and individuals about HIV and AIDS. Haring himself died of AIDS-related complications at the age of 31, but his legacy lives on in his iconic work and advocacy. His mural Crack is Wack (1986) can still be seen along FDR Drive in Manhattan today.

It is important to remember that LGBTQ people have always existed and contriubuted to our culture and society. Throughout history, queer artists often faced rejection of their work based not on its merit, but because of their sexual orientation. Therefore, it is even more important now to look to the past to celebrate the lives and creative works of the queer community and credit them for how their work continues to influence and inspire people today.

Want to learn more but don’t know where to start? We recommend checking out:

And in case you missed it, Part One: Activists can be found here.  

Stay tuned for next week, when we’ll highlight historic LGBTQ politicians. Happy Pride! <3 <3 <3

Yes, You Can Still Be a Grandparent: On LGBTQ Family Formation

By Trystan Reese, Director of Family Formation at Family Equality Council

As a parent, there are so many things you want for your children. A good education, a partner that treats them well, a fulfilling job, hobbies that spark their passion… and a family of their own one day (when and if they are really ready). When a parent learns that their child is LGBTQ, their most common fear is that their child won’t become a parent themselves. But more and more LGBTQ people ARE able to form families if they wish, and we hope your child is no different if that is what they choose!

Unfortunately, there are some barriers for LGBTQ people who want to form families of their own: legal, social, financial, and medical. It can be heartbreaking to imagine that your child may not have the choice to one day become a parent—the good news, though, is that the number of LGBTQ parents grows every year. Statewide laws are increasingly trending toward support for LGBTQ parenting and many options exist for family-building within our community.

Here are some ways LGBTQ people are currently able to become parents.

1. Adoption. When a biological connection to a child isn’t paramount, many LGBTQ people choose to adopt. There are thousands of sweet, funny, smart, amazing kids out there who would love to have you as their grandparent. Yes, the prospect of raising a child born into difficult circumstances can seem like a big task—and it is—but it’s also extremely rewarding. If your LGBTQ child chooses to adopt, they are, in many cases, literally saving a life. My two older kids are adopted, and my parents ADORE them. They are extremely proud of our decision to become parents in this way and are known to spoil our kids as much as they possibly can.

2. Fostering. If your child feels open to parenting temporarily, or parenting in a situation that might be temporary, becoming a foster parent is a unique and powerful way to forever impact the life of a young person in need of a safe place. Foster grandparents get the experience of spoiling multiple grandchildren, in addition to the incredible experience of knowing that your adult child is making a difference in many lives. While it can be heartbreaking to imagine saying goodbye to a child you’ve grown attached to, you will always know that their life has been made better because of their relationship with you. LGBTQ people make great foster parents—many of us have experienced adversity in our lives, which means we can more easily relate to children in the foster care system and can serve as models for overcoming difficult circumstances.

3. Biologically using sperm donation. If your child has a uterus but doesn’t end up having a partner who produces sperm, they may utilize a known or anonymous donor to help make their family dream come true. They should always work with an experienced lawyer to protect everyone involved, but in general the process is not too difficult. This process can happen less formally, using a friend and at-home insemination, or with a fertility center. In some cases, partners would like to each have a physical connection to the intended baby. In those cases, they may choose to harvest one partner’s eggs and work with a clinic to fertilize those eggs and implant them in the other partner’s uterus for the pregnancy and birth. In this way, the child will be genetically related to one and will also have a physical connection to the other. This is also a way to have stronger legal protections for each partner, as sometimes the law favors genetic/biological connections.

4. Surrogacy. If your child doesn’t have a uterus, having a child biologically is a tad more complicated because pregnancy and childbirth are really the hardest parts of making a baby. It’s often hard to find someone willing to go through that process on someone else’s behalf, but it’s not impossible. A surrogate may be a friend, or they may be someone secured through an agency. As with utilizing a donor like above, it is critical for everyone to work with a lawyer to make sure things don’t get messy at any point. Surrogacy is the most expensive way to become a parent: the intended parent(s) are responsible for all medical bills, in addition to dozens of other categories of fees. Some states have restrictions on surrogacy, so couples sometimes have to work with an out-of-state (or even out-of-country) agency to help a surrogacy happen.

5. Transgender parenting. If you have a transgender or gender non-conforming child, there are still lots of ways for them to become a parent to a child who shares a genetic connection to them.

As you can see, there are many ways for an LGBTQ person to become a parent. Personally, I have two children who were adopted by us when a relative couldn’t take care of them, and I gave birth to my baby, Leo, in 2017. It’s important to remember that there’s no “right” way to become a parent (or grandparent!)—it’s all about your child’s vision for their family, in conjunction with what’s allowed legally in their state and what their financial realities are.

Feel free to stay engaged and involved with Family Equality Council in the coming years. We exist to make the path to parenthood easier for LGBTQ people, and will continue to be a resource for you and your family for years to come.

Keep in touch, and good luck!

Click through to read about our brilliant contributors!

Know Your Queer History: Activists 

Queer history was probably not included in your grade school curriculum—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! Part of being a good ally (that’s you, parents!) is learning about the history, hardships, and celebrations that the LGBTQ community has experienced, and remembering all the contributions made by queer folks throughout history. 

That’s why, throughout Pride month, we will be highlighting LGBTQ activists, artists, and politicians who have played powerful roles in shaping our politics, our culture, and our history. We are kicking off our short series with activists, because it is important to remember and honor Pride’s roots in radical activism. So with that in mind, check out these four inspiring activists who were pioneers of the early LGBTQ movement. 

Marsha P. Johnson, 1945-1992

Marsha P. Johnson was a black, trans, gay activist and drag queen. Johnson is perhaps most well-known for her participation in the Stonewall riots in June of 1969, where violence broke out when police raided New York City’s Stonewall Inn in an attempt to arrest the gay and transgender patrons there. The riots lasted for several days and sparked the gay rights movement where Johnson played an important role in fighting for the rights of gay and transgender people. Following the riots, Johnson joined the Gay Liberation Front, one of the first LGBTQ advocacy organizations in the U.S. She also co-founded the Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries (S.T.A.R.), which advocated on behalf of young trans people; helped start and run the S.T.A.R. House, a homeless shelter for gay and trans street kids; and was actively involved in ACT UP, an HIV/AIDS activist group. As a queer, poor, gender non-conforming person of color who struggled with mental illness and homelessness, Johnson’s legacy of intersectional activism within the LGBTQ community was integral to the movement, and she remains an inspiration for many activists today. 

Sylvia Rivera, 1951-2002 

Sylvia Rivera was a gay, trans, Latina social justice activist and drag queen of Puerto Rican and Venezuelan descent. Her activism started in the civil rights, anti-war, and feminist movements in the 1960s before she became an important figure in the gay rights movement as well. A close friend of Marsha P. Johnson, she co-founded the Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries and S.T.A.R. House, a homeless shelter for gay and trans youth. She was also an early member of the Gay Activists Alliance and the Gay Liberation Front and fought for legal protections for LGBTQ people, including the Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act and the later Transgender Rights Bill. Throughout her life she was critical of the mainstream gay rights movement’s exclusions of people of color, trans people, and sex workers in order to appease the “respectability” of mainstream culture. Her legacy reminds us that even with the progress that the LGBTQ community has made, we must continue to fight for the respect, inclusion, and celebration of ALL queer identities, including those that have been marginalized within the larger movement. 

Bayard Rustin, 1912-1987 

Bayard Rustin was a black gay man and an important figure in the American Civil Rights Movement. He was an advocate of nonviolent protest and civil disobedience and was an early organizer of the 1947 Freedom Ride that protested racial segregation in the South. Later, Rustin was a close advisor to Martin Luther King, Jr. and a key organizer of the March on Washington (where MLK gave his famous “I Have A Dream” speech). In his later career, Rustin became involved with the Democratic Party, labor unions, and gay rights activism. Rustin’s sexual orientation, as well as his earlier connections with the Communist Party, meant that he took a behind-the-scenes seat in the Civil Rights movement to avoid controversy. Therefore, recognizing his important contributions to history and to the fight for equality is all the more important today. 

Brenda Howard, 1946-2005 

Brenda Howard was a bisexual feminist woman and an important figure in shaping the modern LGBTQ rights movement. Howard’s activism began in the anti-war movement of the 1960s and soon expanded to the feminist and gay rights movements as well. Her work with other activists in coordinating the rally commemorating the first anniversary of the Stonewall riots and in popularizing the term “Pride” to describe the event earned her the unofficial title of the “mother of Pride.” Howard planned and participated in LGBTQ activism throughout her life, and was active in organizations including the Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Rights, ACT UP, and Queer Nation. She helped to found the New York Area Bisexual Network as well as the first Alcoholics Anonymous chapter for bisexual individuals, helping to address the gap in resources available to bisexual people. Her activism and dedication were key in making the LGBTQ movement what it is today. 

We must remember that the LGBTQ community has the rights and access to resources that it does today because of the activism of people like this. We are able to march during Pride Month because of the people who came before us, and we owe it to them to remember their legacies and to continue the ongoing fight for justice and equality for the LGBTQ community. 

Want to learn more but don’t know where to start? We recommend checking out: 

Stay tuned for next week, when we’ll highlight important LGBTQ artists throughout history. Happy Pride! <3 <3 <3

Defining: Transitioning By Jamey Hampton

Define It:

Many transgender people experience some form of gender dysphoria. Feeling ill at ease with one’s body and how others perceive it often leads to some sort of desire to change that. The dictionary definition of transition is “the movement, passage or change from one state to another.” Gender transition is the same. Transitioning is all about leaving behind the things about yourself and your gender that don’t feel right, and then feeling empowered to embrace only what does feel right.

Explain It:

Trans people, like all people, are unique! We all have different relationships with our bodies and genders, we all experience gender dysphoria differently, and, as a result, our transitions all look different.

Transition is a very personal thing. Some people “finish” transitioning but for many people, it’s an active process. There are also two distinct kinds of transition: social and medical.

Social transition is related to how someone presents themself, how they want to be perceived by others, and how they feel comfortable being referred to. Social transition can refer to things like: coming out publicly as trans, changing one’s name and/or pronouns, or changing things about one’s appearance such as hair, clothing, or makeup.

Medical transition is related to the medical procedures that one can undergo in order to more permanently change their body. One of the common aspects of this is hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which essentially involves taking either estrogen or testosterone, as appropriate. There are also a number of different surgeries one can choose to undertake—or opt out of! A mastectomy (“top surgery”) is the most common one for transmasculine people. On the other side of the coin, there are several surgeries available for transfeminine people, including vaginoplasty, orchiectomy, breast implants, facial feminization surgery, and others.

While these surgeries are often what people think about when they hear the phrase “gender transition,” they are often not the most significant part of the transition process, and many people choose to opt out of surgery entirely. That’s why a lot of folks like to refer to them as “gender affirming surgeries” — surgery doesn’t make a trans woman into a woman. She was already a woman! Surgery may just help her feel better about herself and her body.

Debunk It:

• “So Jamey, have you had the surgery yet?”

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE — and explain to you everything that’s wrong with this horrible (but all too common) question!

First and foremost, asking someone personal questions about their transition is extremely rude. Do you normally go around asking people invasive questions about their genitals? Then why are you doing it just because you found out someone is trans?

Additionally, the question doesn’t even really make sense! Medical transition involves a series of surgeries and each individual has to decide for themselves which ones they want to undergo. “The surgery” — the idea that there’s one single “gender reassignment surgery” that’s the end-all-be-all of transition — is a myth.

• “If someone doesn’t do a ‘full transition’, they’re not really trans.”

Definitely not! Deciding whether or not to transition and what aspects of transitioning one feels comfortable with is intensely personal! Some people can’t undergo medical transition due to medical complications. Many non-binary people don’t feel comfortable doing a “full” transition because they don’t really feel like the “opposite” gender either. (That said, some non-binary people do choose to medically transition, so the notion that non-binary people never have to transition is also a myth!)

On top of that, what does the phrase “full transition” even really mean? Many people find that transitioning socially is enough for them and that they don’t need to physically change their body in order to be happy living as their true gender. The point is that there are lots of reasons that someone may pick and choose only certain aspects of transition—and once they have transitioned to the extent they feel comfortable with, that’s what a “full transition” looks like for them! That’s completely valid and doesn’t make anybody any less trans.

Be sure to check out the rest of The Defining Series right here!

Click through to read about our brilliant contributors! 

5 LGBTQ Podcasts to Start Listening To

By Grace M.

I’ve always been a verifiably Bad Podcast Listener.

It’s true. I always loved the idea of podcasts, but could never incorporate them into my day-to-day life enough to keep up with any of the hundreds that people were constantly recommending to me. I’d try to put them on while working, but trying to focus on the words on my screen over the ones in my ears wasn’t great for productivity. Podcasts weren’t motivating enough to listen to when I worked out (but, to be fair, very few things are as motivating as a playlist of P!nk’s greatest hits). Any other activity wasn’t a long enough period of time to allow me to finish a full episode, so I’d end up abandoning it 20 minutes in and never returning.

That all changed when I realized my emotional health as the nanny of a young baby relied on daily walks through the neighborhood. He enjoys watching the cars and dogs we spot, and I enjoy the sound of other adults coming through my earbuds. It’s mindless enough so I don’t lose track of the conversation, but it also feels productive, like I’m dedicating time every day to getting outside, moving my body, and learning something new.

With this newly established routine, I’m making my way through a lot of amazing podcasts these days. Here are some of my favorites that center LGBTQ people and stories, all of which are great educational tools for anyone looking to learn more about the LGBTQ community.

1. Queery

Hosted by Cameron Esposito Best enjoyed while: Taking a walk alone when you’re in the mood to laugh but also get a little introspective.

Cameron Esposito is a stand up comic who I’ve long admired for her ability to discuss politics and LGBTQ/women’s rights (both through her stand up and her brilliant Twitter account) in an incredibly accessible, poignant, and hilarious way. Her new podcast Queery brings us intimate and insightful conversations with LGBTQ musicians, activists, and writers. This podcast is great if you, like me, enjoy listening to people’s stories about growing up, coming out, and living and working as an LGBTQ person. Plus, I always finish each episode having drawn new connections within my own experiences, and I have cried while listening to no less than two episodes.

2. Never Before

Hosted by Janet Mock Best enjoyed when: Stuck in traffic

Janet Mock is a writer, activist, and trans icon, and we can now all enjoy her ultra-calming voice (hence the “stuck in traffic” suggestion) as she sits down with actors, activists, and politicians to discuss what has shaped them and what motivates them to continue their work. Janet Mock is an incredibly talented interviewer who is able to cut to the heart of the matter with ease, a skill that was most likely honed to a tee while hosting her own TV show on MSNBC. If you’re new to the concept of intersectionality, this podcast perfectly demonstrates how things like race, gender, and class intersect with each other.  

3. Nancy

Hosted by Kathy Tu and Tobin Low Best enjoyed when: Cooking, with or without company (because Kathy and Tobin are everyone’s BFFs).

Kathy Tu and Tobin Low are real-life queer best friends who have teamed up with WNYC to bring you a journalistic listening experience about all the different facets of being LGBTQ today. Every episode has a set theme—some examples include sex ed, coming out to parents, and queer role models—that it then explores through two to three different segments. Fans of This American Life are strongly encouraged to tune in!

4. Gender Reveal

Hosted by Molly Woodstock Best enjoyed when: You’re ready to expand your mind beyond binaries.

This podcast is great because it exemplifies how differently everyone experiences their gender, while putting transgender and non-binary folks’ voices at the forefront. The host, Molly Woodstock, is a non-binary journalist who sits down with a different trans and/or non-binary person each episode to tackle the age-old question: what even is gender?! If you’re struggling to think about gender as anything other than being a boy or girl, this podcast is a fantastic resource to open you up to new possibilities via real life personal experiences.

5. Outspoken Voices

Hosted by: Emily McGranachan Best enjoyed while: You’re worrying about your kid’s future

One of the most common worries we hear from parents after their child comes out is, “What will their future be like? Will I ever be a grandparent?” This podcast from Family Equality Council puts all those worries to bed by discussing a range of topics related to LGBTQ families (adoption laws, donor siblings, and inclusive summer camps being a few), as well as sharing first-person stories from LGBTQ parents and children of LGBTQ parents. Season Two launches this May with all-new episodes!

Even if you yourself are a reluctant podcast listener, I hope something in here has piqued your interest enough to download an episode or two. Podcasts can be incredible resources to learn new things and, in the case of these five podcasts, become a better ally to the LGBTQ community. Be sure to leave the name of your favorite LGBTQ podcast in the comments below!

Happy listening!!

Grace is the Senior Managing Editor here at My Kid Is Gay and is based in Portland, Oregon. She enjoys Vitamin D (in the form of sunshine, please), podcasts, intersectional feminism, and talking to people about their life goals. Follow her on Twitter @gracemanger

How Do I Support My Son After His Dad Left Our Family?

"My 13-year-old son told me he is gay. His father cannot understand this or change and has since left the family as I refused to send my boy to a camp. I fear the whole thing has left my son traumatized and he is distant from me. How do I help my baby boy?"

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Max Titus

Max Says:

This may sound like it is too simple, but if you want to help your son, keep doing what you are doing. Your son felt comfortable enough to come out to you at a pretty young age, you stood by him and protected him, and now you are reaching out to find out what else you can do to help him. Well done!

Now you might be thinking, “Thanks, but that’s not helpful,” so here’s the rest. You and your son have been through a lot and it seems like you have taken your job as a parent seriously. You mentioned that your son’s dad wanted to send him to “a camp,” and it needs to be said that conversion therapy is not only ineffective, but actively abusive—and is slowly becoming outlawed in multiple states. Your stance is absolutely the right one.

And yet, there is still work to be done. Adolescence is a troublesome time for most kids, but your son is facing some additional challenges. Despite the advances in LGBTQIA acceptance and rights, there are still many places and circumstances where being out is difficult and can even be dangerous. However, there is a light at the end of the rainbow tunnel and this is how you can get there.

Talk to your son.

Start by talking to your son. If you aren’t sure what to say, tell him that you love him and that you will support him. He needs to feel loved and supported, especially at this time. Start small and grow your relationship with him a little at a time. He trusted you enough to come out, but you may need to rebuild some trust at this point. He is likely feeling sad, but he may also feel guilty or ashamed. Tell him that it is okay to be gay. He needs to know that there is nothing wrong with him. He needs to know that his father made the choice to leave and that is not his fault. Ask him how he feels and ask him how you can help and then, most importantly, listen.

Take care of yourself.

If you want to help your son, you need to be well. Your son’s father—and presumably your partner—has left the family. That is hard. Despite your focus on your son, you may be heartbroken or angry. You may be facing financial challenges. You may be struggling. Take care of yourself. Exercise, meditate, take a bath. Do whatever it is that you need for self-care, but make sure that you also get the support that you need from family, friends, or a therapist (ideally someone with experience with LGBTQIA issues).

Get support for your son.

You son needs support. You know that already, because you’ve noticed that he is distant and you are asking how you can help him. He is no doubt feeling pain and trauma from this situation. LGBTQ teens are more likely to experience mental health issues than their straight friends, and rejection by a parent for any reason is devastating. It may be time to face that he needs help that you cannot provide. No, you cannot force your son to see a therapist if he is not willing, but if he is open to it, find an LGBTQIA inclusive and knowledgeable therapist for him. If you live in an area where that is challenging or you aren’t comfortable seeking that out locally, there are some online resources that could help—for example, The Trevor Project has a 24/7 hotline with trained counselors available to talk to LGBTQ youth who are struggling or in crisis.

Become part of the community.

Remember that light at the end of the rainbow tunnel? Turns out, it’s all about love—and the LGBTQIA community is full of love! Seek out LGBTQIA inclusive spaces and support groups in your area. Meeting other people with similar struggles and experiences can be therapeutic. For many of us, the relationships that we develop through our coming out and acceptance process are long-lasting, and those people then become our chosen family.

If you aren’t sure how to find LGBTQIA spaces, a good place to start is the My Kid Is Gay Resources page, which includes resources for parents and children that cover topics like bullying, mental health, religion, and more.

If you are thinking that this is all a lot, you are right, but if you are thinking that you are alone, you are wrong. Many families face these types of challenges. There are many stories, including my own, where a kid came out and it didn’t go so well. In some cases, relationships cannot recover, but in most it just takes time, communication, and some support to get to the light. Either way, it does get better. Keep doing what you are doing; keep standing by his side and protecting him, because he will remember that. Know that it may not be a smooth ride, but you are doing your job as a parent and you are doing it well.

Click through to read about our brilliant contributors!

What’s Wrong with Gender Reveal Parties? 

“Hi. My daughter is married to another woman, and has been out for many years. We’ve gone on our own journey with me learning more about what it means to be bisexual, and I have learned a lot. I love her and her wife deeply. Her wife is newly pregnant (so exciting!!!), and they insist on not finding out the gender of the baby before the birth. We got in a heated discussion when I brought this up and explained how so many of her cousins had done adorable gender reveals at their showers. I’m just so confused about it all, and I can’t understand why them being in a same-sex marriage has anything to do with getting so upset about the gender of their baby!!”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by El Sanchez

El Says:

Congrats on the upcoming arrival of your grandchild! First and foremost, it’s always important to remind yourself that while it’s exciting to be a grandparent, the parents are the ones that ultimately make all the decisions regarding how they will give birth to and raise their little ones. I’m sure this is something you already know, but it’s important to be reminded as new arrivals in the family can make everyone feel a little protective and on edge. I recently had a new baby myself (my very first!) and I also did not know the gender of my child prior to birth. There are many reasons parents do this: some want the surprise of the doctor’s birth assignment saved until that very moment, while others choose not to determine gender in this way at all. I can’t say exactly what your daughter’s reasoning is, of course, but I can explain my own—and why knowing the baby’s gender at this stage is impossible anyhow. Before we continue, if you’re not already familiar with gender identities like transgender and non-binary, I really recommend clicking on the links to read our Defining pieces on them!

It’s unfortunately commonplace in many medical fields for doctors to assign a gender to a newborn baby based on the type of genitals that baby has, i.e. penis = boy, vagina = girl. The fact of the matter is, many biologists, psychologists, and anthropologists would tell you this practice has proved to be inaccurate. The fact that transgender folx (like myself) exist is proof that this method is invalid.

Genitalia does not determine gender, because gender, unlike genitalia, is not actually biological. Our sex chromosomes are biological, as are our reproductive systems and genitalia, but the idea of assigning identities such as “man” or “woman” to those characteristics is not based in biology. Gender is a social construct, meaning it is something created by people in order to label each other more easily, as well as categorize the differences between each other. Not only that, but since gender is something we as humans created, our understanding of it is constantly both expanding and evolving, just like we are. These days, many members of the scientific community see gender on a spectrum that is not limited to “man” and “woman.” There are also gender non-binary folx like me who are neither. Basically, gender expansive folx and others who recognize this are just waiting for social acceptance to catch up with the science.

What it boils down to is this: there is no way of determining the gender of your grandchild before they determine it for themselves. Sometimes people know their sexuality and gender identity early on, but for others, it takes some time to figure out those identities for themselves. Just like their sexuality is going to be something they tell you, rather than you assigning it to them, their gender identity will be the same.  

Most parents choose to go with the gender assigned at birth as they raise their child, and in some cases this works just fine. However, there are many cases in which children are assigned an incorrect gender at birth. This is what happens to most trans folx, and may cause gender dysphoria or other painful experiences. As someone who was assigned the incorrect gender at birth myself, I can tell you, growing up being forced into pretending you’re something you’re not is extremely painful and can lead to much mental anguish. The good news is that these experiences can be avoided to a large degree if you allow children to simply be who they are. I don’t blame my parents for raising me as the gender they were told I was, rather than the gender identity I am. At the time, they didn’t have access to information that told them there were other possibilities (such as My Kid Is Gay!), and since being non-binary was a concept none of us were familiar with, we weren’t able to understand the root of much of my depression and anxiety until I was an adult. Now that I am a parent, I have an understanding of this experience and access to information my parents didn’t, therefore I want to make sure my children can benefit from that knowledge and possibly avoid some of the pain I experienced. This is why I have chosen (along with a large number of new parents in recent years) to use gender neutral pronouns with my newborn until they are old enough to communicate to me what gender identity they are. As I see it, they are the only one that truly knows that information and rightfully deserve input in defining who they are.  

It’s also important to note that “gender reveal” parties, while they’ve surged in popularity amongst cisgender folks in recent years, are actually a pretty outdated and transphobic practice—not only because they assume that gender is determined by genitalia, which directly erases the existence of transgender folx, but also because they often rely on pretty inaccurate depictions of gender and overwhelming amounts of gender stereotypes! For example, a quick Google image search of “gender reveal party” will pop up pictures of invitations with themes like “touchdowns or tutus,” “lashes or mustaches,” “rifles or ruffles” and even party favors that include bowls of candy labeled “Nuts?” or “No nuts?” Yikes! When you think about it, a “gender reveal” party is essentially an entire party celebrating whether an unborn baby has a penis or a vagina and/or how that penis or vagina will determine a person’s likes or dislikes—and that’s kind of weird!

Lastly, touching on your question about how your daughter’s sexuality plays into this: her marginalized status as a queer person can absolutely correlate to gender politics. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, she may very well care about issues affecting transgender folx, leading her to advocate for transgender issues (which should make you all the more proud of her!). Alternatively, her own sexuality may have nothing to do with this decision at all! Either way, it sounds like she and her wife are going to make awesome parents!

Click through to read about our brilliant contributors!