ThAT’S RIGHT! Stronger than ever.
Originally posted by fivebadboyz
Damn right! Just the way it’s supposed to be.
matsuxjun reblogged
Happy 34th birthday, Matsumoto Jun!
matsuxjun reblogged
It’s just that…I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It’s how life is.
Sarah Dessen (via lifeofquotations)
matsuxjun reblogged
Sho: Then, please give us some parting words. Jun: …I’ll do my best~! Sho: [laughs] Thank you very much.
matsuxjun reblogged
└ You knew it was a losing battle you were fighting from the start Sho-kun…
Cr: VS Arashi 19.01.2017 Opening Talk
The questioning stare changed into shock in a split second, a hot puncturing sensation leaving him winded momentarily. Searing pain radiated from the fresh wound and his mouth gaped open. He glanced down in disbelief, the fabric of his shirt covered in the color of crimson. With shaky, panicked breathing he felt his knees giving in and started to fall onto the floor, desperately seeking support from his brother. He cussed under his breath once he was down and his trembling hand pressed against the gaping wound, his frightened eyes searching for Jun’s.
“Well shit,” he managed to laugh weakly. His wish had come true. Yet he didn’t expect it to happen without a warning. This must have been the King’s work. He cursed the sadist but his pain filled teary eyes softened the next time they met Jun’s. “You .. kept your promise. I’m grateful,” his trembling voice barely reached his brother. But it didn’t last for long. “Shit .. this is scary,” he failed in pretending to be strong until the end even though he had planned to do it for the sake of his brother. His state was far from a typical hero you would see on TV, far from the image he’d had himself when he had first planned this scene for his own game over. He was scared while rapidly growing weaker and seeking comfort from Jun.
sho might’ve been the one with the stab wound, but the pain Jun felt right now must’ve been just as unbearable. Not to mention the guilt and regret and despair. He had just stabbed his best friend. There was no other way to say it.
He had murdered his best friend, period.
Kneeling down next to Sho, he tossed the knife away and instead rested his hands on his legs, not knowing what else to do with them. Bowing his head, he took a deep breath and fought so hard to regain his voice. “I’m so sorry. I had to kill either you, or Dara. And.. I.. I had to choose you. One hell of a brother I am, huh?” Scoffing quietly, he shook his head and wiped away the tears that kept on betraying his act of being strong. “If I, or Dara, make it out alive, I promise you I’ll make sure you won’t be forgotten. Even if it’s only us. And.. And we’ll take care of Sora, I promise.”
Nodding his head, Jun sat down on the floor entirely, before carefully pulling Sho into his arm. In any other situation, either him or Sho would’ve made a stupid joke about how gay this whole thing was, but that thought didn’t even cross his mind. All he thought about was that the least he could do was to be there for Sho. “I’m sorry, Bro..”
Sho lifted his gaze slowly. The gaze that was slightly blurred with fresh tears looming in the corners of his eyes. Internally he cursed himself for his pathetic confession, appearing this weak in front of his brother’s eyes. He needed to get his shit together. He frowned, wondering what this guy was up to as he approached in such a hesitant pace. “If we are going to hug right here with the cameras capturing everything then Twitter will explode for sure,” somehow he managed to bring back his old joke, chuckling shakily.
The smile faded at Jun’s next words. The words that would normally offer him comfort and encouragement .. suddenly they had an opposite effect. He tried to read Jun through his eyes. “Of course I know that. I know all of that and I love you too. But MatsuJun, you are acting scary,” he chuckled nervously and failed to hide his fear, his heart racing rapidly.
Jun just laughed sadly at Sho’s words and sighed heavily. Without saying or doing anything, he just rested his forehead against Sho’s. “Yeah, I figure twitter will explode..”
Sighing quietly, he reached behind his back with one hand and pulled out the knife he had brought back. Before he had come here, he had read up on where stabbing someone would be the most efficient way. Unfortunately, he couldn’t choose the quickest way. So he had figured he should be going for the kidneys. It was fast - but not too fast. Hopefully, that would be good enough.
“I’m so sorry, bro.” And for the first time, he could no longer pretend to be alright in front of his best friend. For the first time, he let his tears win. But before he could back out, Jun gathered all his strength and jerked the knife forward and - hopefully - into Sho’s kidney. “But I promised you it would be me, and no one else.”
He eyed Jun with a frown, silently agreeing with him. He turned his attention towards a camera, silently loathing the audience hidden behind it.
“Honestly I would prefer that option over the so-called victory. Ending up as the winner with all of your struggles and suffering forgotten, being the only one to remember everything and carrying that impossible burden on your shoulders by yourself with no one believing you .. that would be the worst punishment anyone has suffered during this sick game,” he glared at the camera with his tired eyes, partly directing his words towards their audience and the King.
“Still … it’s scary. The aftermath of the game over will bring peace, certainly. It will be a sweet escape. I’m more scared of the moment, when it happens,” his voice cracked as he repeated the words he had confessed to another player earlier. “See? I fail to make sense out of my own thoughts,” he chuckled bitterly. “Being indecisive. Carrying a mind with broken puzzle pieces which refuse to fit together. I’m tired of this..”
Jun wasn’t quite sure why he had asked that question. Maybe he wanted a silent reassurance that he had made the right choice. That ending it for Sho was definitely something he wanted. And he got his reassurance. Now he just had to have to guts to walk up to his best friend and kill him.
It was hard to move. His legs felt as if they were weighing a thousand tons right now. And he hold to back so bad to not give away anything.
Sighing heavily, Jun finally stood up straight again and finally managed to make his legs move. One step at a time, he got closer to Sho, before standing right in front of him.
Reaching up, he rested both his hands on Sho’s shoulders and forced himself to look up at him. “You know I love you, Bro. And you know I’d do anything for you, right? And I’d never leave your side and would always have your back. And I’d never break a promise.”
matsuxjun reblogged
Caving in ||| JunRa
This wasn’t the first time that Jun has raised his voice at her, but this is one of the few times that he did. Usually, Jun is the collected one and she’s the irrational one that always wears her emotions on her sleeves around him. But now, she can see the crack on Jun’s mask and how much he’s trying so hard to push her away, so she wouldn’t see, so she wouldn’t know, so she wouldn’t have to worry.
Still, when someone raised their voice, it’s inevitable not to feel surprised, or even, terrified. And that’s exactly what happened to Dara. She had jumped a little from Jun’s outburst, showing complete shock not only by the raise of his voice but by the use of his words.
Dara let the silence grow for a while as she also needs to compose herself. But after contemplating with herself whether she would do as how she’d usually do and leave Jun be, or if she should keep on pushing, she finally went on and decided that this isn’t the time to play pretend. They’re all scared, and the least that the both of them can do is to rely on each other for support. She cannot let Jun carry all the weight by himself.
Without saying a word, she walked towards him. Standing be his side, she place her hand on top of his, covering his white knuckles. She just stood there, and covered his hand, without saying a word, waiting for him to finally let her in, an pour out his emotions on her.
As soon as the silence was sinking in, Jun regretted his outburst immediately. He felt guilty, ashamed really, and small, incredibly small. Getting angry wasn’t like him. Irritated, impatient? Yes; but not angry.
He was just about to turn around and apologize, when he felt Dara’s hand on his. It was a simple gesture, just something small, but it was enough for him to break down.
“I’m sorry..” Sinking down to his knees, Jun buried his hands in his hair and kept on fighting his defenses breaking down entirely. “I’m sorry, I just.. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s too much. It’s all too much.”
Sho observed the other carefully and set the dishes back on the table, his gaze locked on Jun stubbornly. How typical of this guy. Despite his own obvious troubles he would still check up on his brother first. He hid the folded letter deeper into his pocket and offered a smile at Jun. “As fine as you could hold up in a situation like this,” he did his best to sound stronger than he was feeling in reality. Even though he knew that he wouldn’t be able to fool Jun, obviously not. Especially after the incident at the rooftop of NTV studios.
“On a positive note the food here has been maximum delicious,” this was his attempt to distract MatsuJun from everything that was weighing him down. A cheap attempt considering the cruel reality which wasn’t planning to loosen its grip from the remaining Arashi brothers .. No matter how stubbornly he tried to wear the mask of pretense, it crumbled quickly. The former idol exhaled shakily and averted eye contact with Jun.
“I have been wrecking my brain. I have been trying to clear my thoughts. I have been on the verge of pulling another idiotic and reckless stunt. I used to be in perfect control of every aspect of my life and now it’s all been stripped from me. Now what is left of me? That is the answer I have kept asking myself over and over again yet my mind fails to give me any clear answers. It frustrates me to an insane, restless extent. What is my purpose in the game? That is the only life I have left, and it’s out of my control. I’m rapidly approaching my personal game over,” he rambled and nearly sank into his own world once again, barely holding onto the current scenario.
Realizing how pathetic he was sounding he cracked up in a bitter tone, running his fingers through his hair while he still avoided eye contact with Jun. “How dramatic,” he scolded himself under his breath.
“But that’s enough about me. How are you holding up? What brings you here?” He finally looked up at Jun, hesitantly.
Throughout Sho’s entire monologue, Jun had remained silent except for a small chuckle at the mention of the food being delicious.
Listening to Sho was difficult for him. Not only because he knew what lay ahead for the both of them, but because it was painful to listen to Sho struggling. Of course it wasn’t the first time it was hearing it, but that didn’t make it any easier. Honestly, Jun just wanted everything to be alright, normal, back to how things had been, but that wasn’t an option. So either they died, or had to live with the cruel memories and the pain. Obviously neither was very tempting.
Avoiding Sho’s question, Jun prefered steering it back to what he had said earlier. “There’s no purpose in this game, Bro. You know as well as me that we’re nothing more than pawns in this game. We’re being used to do whatever the King wants us to do. Either we fail and die, or we succeed and die at a later point of time. We’re just here to serve for his amusement.”
Shrugging his shoulders, Jun sighed heavily and rested his back against the door, eyes on the floor.
“Would a personal game over really be too bad, given our predicament?”
matsuxjun reblogged
Caving in ||| JunRa
Jun’s reaction didn’t come as a surprise to Dara, but despite the expected response, the shock can still be seen on Dara’s face.
She watched him walked away, she watched him struggle to keep his emotions in, she watched him cling on to the remaining strength he has to appear strong in front of her. It’s not about her, seeing through him, she knows that he knows how much she can see already. That’s why he’s looking away, that’s why his shoulders are shaking, that’s why his jaws are flexing; he’s keeping it all from her, pushing her away because he knows that she can see his pain no matter how much he tries to hide it.
But Dara also knows not to push too much.
“Baby…” She whispered without moving. “Baby please…”
Honestly, Jun was a little overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, what to feel. And he hated it. There was nothing worse than feeling this way. He needed to be in control and he clearly was not.
Shaking his head, he clenched his fists and turned away. “There is no fucking please! I’m fine. Didn’t you hear me? Everything’s just fine!” Anger was bubbling up and it directed itself towards the only other person in the room - Dara. He didn’t mean to be that way towards her, it just happened.
“Now leave me the fuck alone.”
Walking over to the window, he rested his hands on the windowsill and his head against the cold glass. His nails dug themselves into the surface beneath them, while he tried to calm himself back down, and at the same time not to let his emotions take control over him.
@matsuxjun
Once he was satisfied with everything he’d written he folded the piece of paper neatly. Writing a letter was certainly old fashioned these days but in his opinion it was far more touching than sending the same message via mobile.
He checked his watch for the third time within few minutes. The King was late. The former idol remembered well that the scheduled moment for the next order was supposed to be at 8 am. He started to clean away the dishes from the small desk in front of his couch to bring them back to the kitchen when the door opened and he turned his attention towards it as he held the plates with a glass on top of them. The folded letter was hidden in the pocket of his pants.
“What happened?” He asked with immediate concern at the obvious wrecked state of his remaining brother. “Oh God .. is Dara-chan alright? Please tell me she is alright,” he inquired cautiously after a painful silence. He started to curse the King violently in his mind, his heart sinking further as he helplessly watched Matsujun. He was oblivious to the sick and horrifying secret mission this poor guy had been cursed with.
The new order hit him like a brick in the face - and that still being nice about it. He had to either kill his best friend, or his fiance. Neither of those two were an option in his head, needless to say, but if he didn’t do something, he’d lose both of them. And at least Sho he had promised that, if it came down to it, Sho would die by his hand and no one else’s. But still..
Either way, he had to make a decision. And it took him a long time. But in the end, after a lot of inner turmoil, he decided that it would have to be Sho. Not because he cared and loved Dara more, or because it would be easier for him to kill his brother, rather than his fiance. But because he knew that Sho had lost nearly everything. He himself was the only thing Sho had left. And Sho had already decided himself he wouldn’t make it to the finale anyway. In a way, it would be cruel of Jun not to choose Sho. Because what if - hypothetically - Jun would choose Dara, would kill her and not Sho? Jun would be broken, and no longer any use whatsoever, he knew that much. Then who would be there to support and care for Sho? And what if worse came to worse, and Jun would be killed before Sho and Sho would win this cruel game, leaving him with literally nothing?
No, it had to be Sho. Even if the only way he could do it was by clinging to the excuse that he had made a promise to him to be the one to do it.
So, after contemplating for a long while which weapon to choose, Jun grabbed the knife. Using a gun would be.. Too impersonal. You used a gun to kill whenever you didn’t want to feel responsible. Jun wanted to feel responsible. He wanted to know and remember what he did. And besides, using a gun would be far more painful, far more brutal, could do far more damage. And given that he wasn’t allowed to instantly kill Sho, that wasn’t an option whatsoever. With a knife.. Of course it would still hurt, but it wouldn’t be as cruel.
Hiding the knife between the belt and pants in his back, Jun finally gathered all the strength he could muster, and made his way to Sho’s room. After Sho opened to door and greeted him with immediate concern, Jun felt like sinking to his knees and crying instead. How in the world was he supposed to do this? Pulling himself together somehow though, he just forced a sad smile and shook his head.
“Dara is fine. I mean.. As fine as you could be, I guess.” Sighing quietly, Jun stepped inside and closed the door behind himself, while resting his head against the door for a few seconds. Once again gathering strength, he turned around and avoided to even do as much as glance at Sho.
Clearing his throat, he finally looked up at Sho. “How are you holding up?”
matsuxjun reblogged
Caving in ||| JunRa
At first, Dara was taken a back when Jun immediately pulled back, causing her to retrieve her arms and clutch her hands against her chest as if she just touched something very hot.
But she immeditely understood what just happened.
Jun didn’t want her to see that he’s hurting; just like what happened in Tokyo Dome, when Aiba died, and Jun has asked her to take Sho to the car and take care of him. Just like when he took time to his self, isolated him self from everyone else to let himself down and weak even for just a second.
Dara doesn’t want to stand on the sideline anymore. He’s not alone in this, she’s with him. And she’s more than willing to share or to take his pain.
She sighed and crawled out of the bed, then she stood on front of him, took his hands and placed them on her hips before she cupped both his cheeks and tilted his head back so he would be looking up at her.
“Baby, you don’t have to hide from me… I want to be here with you, and to share you pain. It’s okay…”
Vulnerability. A feeling Jun couldn't stand. He hated being vulnerable and he hated it to be obvious for others.
So whenever Dara got up and had him in such a position, Jun's first instinct was to get defensive. Pulling away once again, he got up himself and took a few steps away from her. He was shaking slightly, though he couldn't quite tell why.
"I'm fine Dara. I'm not hiding. I'm not in pain. I'm perfectly fine."
At least, that's what he had been telling himself over and over again. That's what he forced himself to believe. And even though he knew it wasn't true, and even though he knew that Dara was the one person he should be sharing his pain and vulnerability with, he refused to. Not because he didn't trust her, but because he wanted to be her support. What else was there? If he was to give in, she wouldn't have anything else left to cling to, right?
"I'm fine.. "
A dare to take: I'd gladly have a newly changed opponent for the great event - shave your hair off your head.
Hearing the dare, Jun sighed quietly and contemplated it for a moment. In the end, he just shrugged his shoulders and wandered off. What did it matter? Wasn’t like he had to keep up an image anyway. Hell, hardly anybody could even remember who he was anyway. And it was only hair.
After cutting his hair short with a pair of scissors first, he afterwards grabbed the electric razor that was so conveniently present in the bathroom (was there nothing that wasn’t available here?) and started shaving the remainder of his hair off.
Not spending any more time looking at himself than necessary, Jun set the razor down and turned around, leaving the bathroom again. “There. Your changed opponent.”
matsuxjun reblogged
Caving in ||| JunRa
@matsuxjun
Sleep was impossible, but it’s needed.
So after an almost untouched dinner, Dara took a warm bath, then helped herself to sleep. She started with snuggling close to Jun, but soon, she drifted off into unconsciousness.
Until she heard an odd sound; at first, she thought it was a dream, until she realized that she was still in the game and that any sound could mean anything. But no, it wasn’t any life-threatening sound or whatsoever.
Turning on her side, she saw the back of Jun. The male is seated by the side edge of the bed, his frame made it seem like he was crouching down, maybe his head on his hands. His shoulders were shaking, and there were soft weeping sounds. He’s crying.
Dara got up and crawled towards his side of the bed. Kneeling behind him, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him from behind. She didn’t say anything, she hugged him and let him cry in her arms.
He knew Dara could tell he wasn't alright. Of course she could. But that didn't mean that he had to openly admit it. He couldn't, he wouldn't. Admitting it would mean showing weakness. And there was no room for weakness, not in this game. And someone had to be here to support Dara and make things seem like they were alright, when they clearly were not. Even though she had never asked it of him, and never would, he still insisted it was his role to play.
Once the silence settled in though, and he was left alone with his thoughts, it was an entirely different story. The second he had no reason to pretend, it all came crashing down on him and it was harsh, painful.
In order not to wake Dara up, Jun had carefully freed himself from her embrace and sat up at the edge of the bed. He tried to hold back, he really did. But he couldn't and before he knew it, he couldn't hold back his tears, no matter how deep he dug his nails into his skull after burying his hands in his hair.
He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, when suddenly Dara's arms wrapped around him. Not expecting it, the well meant gesture startled him to the point of actually pulling away from her. Immediately pulling himself together, Jun hastily wiped away his tears and cleared his throat. "Y-you're awake?" A nervous chuckle, before he took a deep breath, though kept on avoiding to face her. "Go back to sleep, babe."