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Too Much Me In The Things I Write

@sinnabonka / sinnabonka.tumblr.com

Ana, 27; a writer, an artists
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sinnabonka

Half Empty is now a book and can be found on Lulu!

DM me if you’d like a copy!

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(@chaoticdean is a wizard, you should definitely buy her a coffee for helping fandom writers see their dreams come true ~ turning their fics into books :)

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Just look at this beauty:

@afterspaced ‘ sexy sexy art is also included! You can (and should!) support Jay here.

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If you’re interesting in purchasing the book, please reach out to me directly 🖤

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For now it’s set to printing cost only (which means I get exactly 0$ from each copy, see proof under the cut), so in case you want to support a recently unemployed student / aspiring writer, you can do it by buying me a cup of coffee or chicken soup :)

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I already ordered mine, can’t wait to put my paws on it!

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sinnabonka

There’s this fic where I almost predicted the ending of spn, and once in a while people find it and *giggles*

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Anonymous asked:

Not really a theory or question but I thought it was cute how in 14x15 when Sam and Cas come back from that weird town, Dean is like so you got a cardigan and got a girl and Sam turns around and is like :) thanks to Cas. It’s cute to imagine Cas telling Dean these lil things in a phone call and Dean being like “You serious? He wore a cardigan?” And Cas “Yes, Dean, a cardigan”. It’s cute to me that even though that’s not something particularly important to the story it shows that Dean and Cas do have conversations that aren’t based on life/death/apocalypse, if that makes sense. Anyways, thank you for all your posts they’re the only things keeping me sane ily <3

BRING ME MORE THINGS LIKE THIS.

I LOVE IT. WE ALL DESERVE A LITTLE TREAT TODAY.

Sam is pissed, because now he’s always the last to find out about the important stuff. And not so important, too, he’s just the last one to find out about anything these days.

He never catches them talking on the phone, even though he knows they do, but once in a while there’s that quiet buzz in Dean’s pocket, that makes him all jumpy and exited, and Sam just knows who the message is from.

He asks once, out of courtesy, and Dean waves him off and mutters that it’s Cas, like texting with the angle of the lord is no biggie. He totally ignores the second question, too, never reveals the subject of their conversation. Sam never asks again.

The neutral “Castiel” at some point gets replaced by shorter but also cozier “Cas”.

One day the screen of Dean’s phone lights up with another notification and there’s a photo of Cas that Sam has never seen before, with a ridiculous white cowboy hat on, a little sheepish smile and a cute blush painting his cheeks. Sam wonders once again, but never asks.

When Sam calls to tell Cas about their recent case, the angel cuts him off and goes straigh to the point. He rarely needs to hear the whole story anymore, no matter how long he’s been gone, he’s always all caught up.

Sam wonders how the hell Dean manages to drop him a message when they literally just a minute ago were running for their life, or elbow deep in some creatures’ blood, or mid conversation with each other, but then, after another close call in the vamp nest, he sees it.

Dean, silent for a brief moment, with eyes shut and lips moving in a silent prayer. And the penny drops.

Since he knows what to be looking for, he starts noticing it more often. Everything even in the slightest interesting or exiting is instantly passed on to the angel. The secret channel is mostly used for the good news or the funny stuff, as if Dean couldn’t wait another hour to share his ridiculous stories with Cas.

One day, when it’s the other way around, Dean gone and Cas staying back at the bunker, Sam almost brings himself to ask about this little thing they have going on. He clears his throat, looking for the best words to start with.

But then the angel smiles, at the first sight as with no apparent reason, and looks up at him.

“Dean got the pie,” Cas says, still smiling fondly, and grabs his phone to type a reply. “Should I tell him to get anything for you from the store?”

“No, that’s fine.” Sam breaks into a smile. “I have everything I need.”

And the best part is, he knows these two do too.

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sinnabonka

Not to be on tumblr for months just to come back with a personal announcement, heh

have much more free time (when I don’t feel like doing anything lol cause I’m too tired) on hands, so did something

the kid’s gonna be born on the year of dragon, so

two important updates

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sinnabonka

“The pull of us”, now complete!

What was it you always said? We’re connected by a thread If we’re ever far apart I’ll still feel the pull of you

Saying goodbye to a story is never easy, especially when the journey lasted for six months. Six. Amazing. Months. It was an honor to share this with you, @shelikestv, your version on Dean and Cas will forever stay with me! It was trying, yes, and it sometimes felt like too much, but you did it! You crossed the finish line!

This is my great goodbye. And a big thank you.

For this. For them.

And for you.

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sinnabonka

PAUSE. REWIND. REPLAY.

He drinks until he’s passed out on the floor. Drinks, watching the feed from the dungeon room on his laptop - he and Cas on screen, gravitating toward each other, two stars headed to destruction.

Cas’ voice, over and over again until the room blurs away, and the world narrows down to three words: “I love you”.

The one thing I want I know I can’t have -- on time, I know I can’t have it on time.

He only says it when it’s too late, when there’s nothing to be done about it. Afraid to hear the bitter truth. Dean was afraid too, he never knew what his own answer was going to be -- until it was too late, until no one was around to hear it, anyway.

Cas. Shards of his heart scattered on the floor.

Rewind. Replay.

I love you.

He pauses the tape, before it’s too late, while he still can pretend this is how it ends. I love you -- and Cas smiles, because this is how it’s supposed to be.

Love is a gift, you keep those. Proud. Precious. Not desperate and heartbreaking.

I love you. I love you. I love you. He’s never taken, he never leaves -- if Dean manages to press pause on time.

I love you.

“And I, you,” to the laptop screen, in the smallest of voices, because that’s all he gets for waiting too long. That’s what he deserves.

I love you.

And I, you.

Was it so hard to say? Just find the words, the simplest of them, and push them out, even if they wanted to stick to his teeth. Let them bounce and roll across the floor.

Let him know.

I love you.

A prayer. A blessing.

I love you.

A curse.

Now just words on a tape, no answer.

There’s a knife in Dean’s hand, still sporting Cas’ blood - it’s the only thing left of him, and if it wasn’t so heartbreaking, it would be telling that only things he left behind were so -- human.

Blood sigil on the door, blood on the knife, blood handprints on his jacket and --

Pause. Rewind. Replay.

I love you.

The hand trembles as the blade cuts into wood, soft and eager under the pressure.

That’s what teenagers do, cut each other’s names into trees. A heart, two names, and “forever.”

I love you.

Rewind. Replay.

I love you.

Because that’s all Dean’s got - his name carved into the tabletop and the “I love you.”

Three words which were supposed to be the beginning of something great.

Instead, they were the end of everything.

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sinnabonka

Today’s my birthday.

And a year since we all (Ukrainians, citizens of neighboring countries and kind hearts from all over the world) got stuck in a limbo called War.

Last year I spent my birthday with my family, at the big table, smiling, and laughing, and joking around. But at the same time nervously checking news on Twitter, scared shitless that the war (such a ridiculous thing in 2022, we thought) may start.

Today, we’re not afraid anymore. In the last year we grew, matured, calloused and hardened. We cried all our fears out. We bled clean of them.

I grew tremendously in those 365 day. Through pain, and awe, and love toward things I never knew how to love before. I finally realized what was the piece missing from me. I found out what being Ukrainian is.

It’s the hardest year of my life, but I am grateful. Amidst all the horrors, a sprout of Hope has never died.

Today, blowing out the candles on my cake, I will wish for love, for health, for Peace. And for everyone to come back home.

And it will happen, despite me saying it aloud.

Thank you.

P.S: see the book my team gave me today, it’s called “Peremoga” (Victory), authored by Ukrainian creators. I couldn’t read it, just started crying. Look how pretty she is!

It’s two years today, and we’re still stuck in the same painful routine. But we’re alive, and we’re fighting, even though the world doesn’t care anymore.

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sinnabonka

“The pull of us”, now complete!

What was it you always said? We’re connected by a thread If we’re ever far apart I’ll still feel the pull of you

Saying goodbye to a story is never easy, especially when the journey lasted for six months. Six. Amazing. Months. It was an honor to share this with you, @shelikestv, your version on Dean and Cas will forever stay with me! It was trying, yes, and it sometimes felt like too much, but you did it! You crossed the finish line!

This is my great goodbye. And a big thank you.

For this. For them.

And for you.

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sinnabonka

the only thing that happened in the barn that night was a kiss

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sinnabonka
They stand like that for a while, just cherishing the little comfort they can find - a childless parent and a fatherless daughter - in arms of each other.
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