me???? the jealous type ???? absolutely, yes

• [text]: I’m owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
• [text]: we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
• [text]: I’m not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either…
• [text]: And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
• [text]:I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
• [text]: All I’m saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
• [text]: Teach me the ways of the your demonic sorcery.
• [text]: I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
• [text]: My Higher Power is John Stamos
• [text]: I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
• [text]: i just woke up to seventeen text from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
• [text]: My friends, they love my intelligence
• [text]: I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
• [text]: Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
• [text]: he gave me a flintstones gummy vitamin and was like, “ya know.. because of ebola.”
• [text]: I’m lost and stupid without you.
• [text]: I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I’ve had so many that my life is like a valley
• [text]: You’re my little dorito
• [text]: well I already know I’m going to hell, at this point it’s really go big or go home
• [text]: How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one of those.
• [text]: I am one with the molecules
• [text]: We need to rekindle our bromance
• [text]: GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST wooooo!
• [text]: I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ‘em all
• [text]: Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.

• [text]: Well start with a list of things you don’t want to do… Like maybe 1) I don’t want join Isis. That’s a good start.
• [text]: if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
• [text]: Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
• [text]: Your dad touched me again
• [text]: Btw when I was saying “fuck you” I meant it like “be quiet beautiful princess”
• [text]: I didn’t realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
• [text]: I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
• [text]: And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
• [text]: My mom says you aren’t allowed to eat doritos at my house
• [text]: Kanye’s agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
• [text]: I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
• [text]: YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
• [text]: I’m currently making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me anymore, then you’re probably one of them. Or I’m dead.
• [text]: Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
• [text]: I don’t know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
• [text]: I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
• [text]: It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
• [text]: Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
• [text]: if you ask that question again our friendship is over
• [text]: We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
• [text]: I’m hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
• [text]: I think it’s time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
• [text]: I just want to like rub my face on his abs
• [text]: I wish “capable of destroying an innocent girl’s life” is something I could put on my resume
• [text]: none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I though I had enough to avoid this problem.