Something good

why the fuck is it called the xbox 360 what does 360 mean???????????????????

when u see it u turn 360 degrees and walk away

turning 360 degrees would face you right back to the xbox you dipshit

this post somehow still in circulation despite everyone involved being deactivated

Whump dialogue (Caretaker for delirious whumpee)

That took a turn.

trust

Audio id:

Person 1 (blue shirt): Whatever you're eating right now? Probably shouldn't go in your face hole.

Person 2 (grey hoodie): Which hole should it go in?

Person 3 (black hoodie): Somebody please help me there's a lasagna in my ass and I don't --

Writing is so stupid because you're like it's just putting down words I know words this will be so simple and then it's the most difficult thing you've ever done

the difference between tumblr and twitter is that pretty much everyone on tumblr needs some kind of compassionate intervention in their lives, but at a low background level. Twitter has 99% normies succumbing to internet brainrot and 1% just the most outlandish personalities you’ve ever seen. 

your average tumblr personality is a shaking dog in a Sarah McLachlan appeal, with enough time and care they can be rehabilitated and placed in a loving home. your average big-time twitter account should be sent to a prison colony on the moon

how quickly we forget our past on this site…

Friend I was here for the bone stealing witch. Even as the sun and moon hid their eyes and averted their gaze I saw the witch walk without fear of the laws of God nor man and steal those bones and sell them on etsy. The amputated toe. The breast milk jewelry. A man who against any law of heaven desires to own another human as a pet reblogged my star wars discourse posts. You want to talk about racefaking cannibal mermaids?? Bah! How many kickstarter scams for cartoons that sounded unbearably twee have come and gone? How many stars risen and fallen? I remember when this site had a sizable userbase of meth enthusiast who just posted aesthic shots of their stash and rigs. Where are those crank aficionados now? Gone like so many others. And yet I remain! 

And when I tell you that twitter is worse than any of that you should heed my words!! 

#DO NOT CITE THE DEEP MAGIC TO ME WITCH#I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN

Tumblr is a former battlefield that’s now turned into a haunted moor. Twitter is an active war zone.

it’s almost midnight but i am here on Tumblr Dot Com to let everyone know that a fantastic and underused trope is “uses terms of endearment only when under huge amounts of stress.”

Like some character is fairly formal or is just not a pet names person but then they get a panicked phone call from a loved one and the first words out of their mouth are “Sweetheart, what happened?” 

Team “I-only-ever-use-your-first-name” going “Oh, jesus fuck, love, I’m so glad you’re safe” or “Okay, darling, you know I love you but I need some space to fix this giant mess” and everyone around them is like “oh god we have reached Pet Names Level Bad, that’s not good” 

this is the new trope I am championing, I would like it to be the Hot New Thing

If you like this trope, you may also be interested in:

Cool and aloof characters who only use titles, nicknames, or surnames. Until the Dramatic Moment™

This is still one of the greatest things ever made.

HAPPY PRIDE YALL

I hate it when you’re reading smut and you can’t figure out what position they’re in.

sometimes it just ends up being something like

ITS BACK

lord 

Y’ALL NEED JESUS

Please stop reblogging this post

This post made my water break

In honor of my daughter’s first birthday next week, I’m sharing the post that made me laugh so hard that it broke my water.

WHAT

God, I love this accursed website.

Hey internet, the girl that was born from this post is 4 years old today (July 2 2021) also, the gif still makes me laugh. Happy Birthday, Marceline!!

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. Literally, I’ve never been this funny in my entire goddamn life

“wrong! you owe me seven dollars”

“WHA -HA-ADO YOU MEAAAN????”

this man gives off wildly chaotic trickster fey vibes

“WRONG ITS A KING OF DIAMONDS”

@entities-of-posts

The Spiral

Mom Adopts a “Dog”

So y’all keep blowing up my notes with the various Family Lore stories I’ve been telling, so I guess I should tell one on my parents now.

My Mother’s Father was part of the United Auto Worker’s Union, and during the 50′s and 60′s, was on strike a lot. My point is, grandpa got himself an entirely deserved reputation for being a sucker who loved animals, so people would dump thier pets on him. Hence, my mother grew up in a house with pets such as Picket the one-eyed tomcat, Tweety the Bald canary, Dummy the cat, Stupid Son of Dummy, Spooky Garbage Dog and Chiquita the Tarantula.  Eventually Grandma put her foot down when Grandpa brought home Gerta the Saint Bernard.

I say all this because it provides some context for how the following occured.

Mom and Dad had just moved in together (my parents dated for six years and were engaged for 13 days, driving everyone on both sides insane), and unfortunately, My mother’s German Shepherd, Cops, has just passed away due to bone cancer.  After mourning for a bit, Mom and Dad decided to get a dog together, as a couple.  

For context, my father had never owned a dog in his life.  His mother had ‘Pretty Bird” the budgie as a child but parrots are alien life forms, not pets.

So they go to the Palo Alto Animal shelter to adopt.  The year was 1987, and at the time, Palo Alto was… not a great place.  Lots of drugs, gangs and poor civic managment.  Mom told me that she learned to identify different types of gunfire while living there. They get there, and mom explains that she’s always had a preference for Big Dogs, and the guy’s face lights up.  Oh Yes, he says, We have a Big Dog.  For expirienced owners, yep, adoptable today, here we’ll give you a discount even-

Somehow my parents were not suspicious about this.

They were shown to the Animal in question, a Gorgeous blue-sable beastie with pretty golden eyes who immediately pressed herself against the fence and gave them the best PUH-LEEEEEEASE TAKE ME HOME puppy eyes 100lbs of canine can do.  Mom and Dad fall in love instantly.  They sign all the paperwork and take her home for $10, and name her “Mazel” as in “Mazel Tov.”

Within the hour, it becomes clear that something is amiss.

Cops had lived with his kibble stored in a plastic garbage can in the garage for six years without incident.  Mazel figured out how to open doors and got the locking lid off the can in six minutes, horking down about four pounds of the stuff before my mother notices that it’s been weirdly quiet.  Most dogs bark at or chase squirrels.  Mazel stalked and caught one the second day, presenting it to my mother like an offering.  Mazel knew all her commands but would clearly stop to consider before obeying, and trained my dad to give her good treats within a week.  The locks on the side-yard gate were undone, and she took a stroll around the neighborhood, but always retuned home for dinner.

After a week of gradually realizing that Mazel was smarter than most of the professors my mom worked with, they took her to the Vet for a routine checkup.

Dr. Hamada walked into the exam room, dropped the clip-board and said “Where the HELL did you get a Wolf?”

After a bit of prodding and a very-angry-dr.hamada-calling-the-pound, they determined Mazel was a high-content hybrid, probably with a husky, but was going to be a lil shit her entire life.  OK, said Hamada, I don’t like destroying animals and you’ve got a lot of expirience with dogs, so I’m okay with letting you keep her, but you should keep her away from small children because her Prey Drive could kick in.

Two years later, mom got pregnant with me.

Mazel noticed instantly, and reacted by digging a large hole in the yard and catching even more squirrels for mom, because she needed the protein or something.  That what you do when the Alpha Bitch is preggers, right?  Dig a den and ply her with food?  On the advice of my grandmother, my mom stayed overnight at the hospital once I was delivered, and dad went home with a shirt that had moms and my scent on it.  Mazel spent the whole night puzzling over it.

The next morning, when mom came home with me, there was the sudden and instantaneous recognition of PUPPY!!!!!! :D:D:D!!!!! PUUUUUUUPPY!!!!!!  and Mazel turned into the most aggressively maternal being I’ve ever met.  Playing with me on the blanket, sitting under my chair at meals (I was a messy eater), sleeping under my crib, teaching me to walk by letting me hang onto her fur and shuffle around.

Dr. Hamada thought mom was a madwoman, until he saw me holding Mazel’s mouth open and sticking my face in so i could look at her teeth.  He gave up when my mom announced she was pregnant with my sister.

I’m making living with a Wolfdog sound awesome, but it did come with some drawbacks:

PROS of growing up with a wolfdog, as a small child in the 90′s

When she was 17, Mom and Dad decided to add another room on to the house.  They rigged up the overhead tether so she could be outside but not underfoot for the contruction guys.  One morning, mom came out to notice them all milling in the side yard entrance, muttering worriedly.  When mom asked what was wrong, one of them explained that Carlos forgot to bring the Hamburger.  What do you need a hamburger for?  Asked mom, and they pointed down the side yard to where Mazel was sitting, doing her best Viscious Alpha Bitch Stare.

Apparently they’d never realized that she was on the VERY end of her tether there and couldn’t actually get to them, and had been scamming them for a big mac a day for a month.  Mom had my six-year-old sister pull her away to show she wasn’t dangerous and tired her best not to laugh but kind of failed.

Mazel ended up living to be 19 and a half, and except for some minor arthritis, remarkably hale until the day she passed away in her hole in the back yard while taking a nap.  I maintain that Death had to wait until she was sleeping to get a crack at her, or she would’ve taken his scythe for a chew toy.