Emma .

          the blow to his stomach momentarily knocked the wind out of him and sent him rolling backwards to the ground; though he used the momentum to land back on his feet with the usual ease and grace he’d been taught. slowly, he lifted himself from a crouch, mirroring Emma’s stance. whatever it was she was saying, Julian didn’t have the time for it. he was eyeing her from head to toe, analyzing her movements and the likelihood that he would win in a fight to the death with no weapons. he had to admit his chances were slim; considering she would see every move of his coming a mile away, and vice-versa. no matter what the circumstances, they were still bonded. and though at a different time he would’ve enjoyed sparring with Emma until they ended up on the floor, on top of each other, grinning like madmen, this was an entirely different Julian.

          ❛ you want an explanation? ❜ a diversion; that’s how he would get to her. catch her off guard; use her emotions against her and then crush her until she crumbled to pieces. ❛ how about you being responsible for killing my sister? ❜ he spat out venomously; a look of utter disgust crossing his features. ❛ i had it under control with Annabel; if you hadn’t gotten involved my plan would’ve worked–– and Livvy would still be alive. ❜ 

          there, the trap had been laid out. all he had to do was wait for the guilt to seep in and consume her. vengeance–– was all he could think of. vengeance on Annabel, the Cohort, on Zara and her father, and even on Malcolm; for making a fool out of him for years. the rage that Julian usually kept well hidden inside him was now fully awake and entirely unstoppable. his thirst for blood was evident in the way he glared at Emma; as though she was the only one who could quench his need for it. and even though there was a part of him that was ultimately locked away inside him, protesting his every action, the battle between body and mind had already been won, and no matter how much the weak part of him squirmed and struggled, he was the one in command now.

Davina .

          there was nothing he wanted more than to give in to her words; to jump head first into the whirlwind of emotions that came with being in each other’s lives. and though Julian was impulsive in love, it was different where his family was concerned. it was too easy for him to imagine the worst; and to even convince himself that one day, another tragic event wouldn’t come to pass and bring utter destruction on his loved ones again. but what kind of life was it that he was living, then; where his days were lived in constant fear of something that had yet to occur? Davina was right in urging him to make a decision. it was the only way to stop the cycle of heartbreak between them. 

          at the end of the day, he knew, deep down, that he would ruin his whole life for her.

          ❛ you’re right, ❜ he admitted, sliding his thumb under her damp eyelashes. ❛ it’s better we endure this together than apart. ❜ the warmth he felt when she recited his words back to him, the covert smile that was brought onto his lips, was unlike anything he’d experienced in a long time. it was a sense of relief, but also validation, in a way, of what he had such trouble believing–– that his feelings mattered; that their love for one another surpassed any law that tried to get between them. he hooked his knuckles under her chin so she was peering up at him. for so long, he thought he’d imagined the gold specks in her ocean blues, and now, here she was again, flesh and blood, no longer just a dream. he wanted to burst open the doors to the rooftop and sing to the moon. ❛ stay with me, and we’ll figure this out together. ❜ 

          if he was being honest, Julian knew this wasn’t the end of it; that his concerns were fully valid. but he was determined to save them for a later time and deal with them as he always did–– on his own. he wouldn’t burden her with matters of the Clave, even though he knew there was a change coming; that he could already see the cracks forming from within; that even though the Consul and the Inquisitor had reason to support shadowhunter and downworlder relationships, there were others who’s voices seemed to be getting louder. when they did, Julian and Davina would be made an example of; they would call it incest and use it as an excuse to separate them.

          ❛ just promise me that whatever happens, whatever i say or do, you’ll trust that i’m doing it because i love you; because i see us together at the end of this. ❜ it was a plea if there ever was one, as his thumb ran over her bottom lip, his other hand pulling her in so their bodies were pressing hard against one another; hues shining with a mix of desire, anticipation and disbelief that what he’d wanted all along, was so close he could nearly taste it.

@cortanascars​

          ‘ kill Emma Carstairs. ’ those had been the words whispered into his ear in a rather seductive manner by the Seelie Queen. if there hadn’t been any magic involved, he would’ve choked out a laugh and spat on her face. instead, his entire body had gone rigid while something that wasn’t Julian Blackthorn attempted to take complete control over his body. the transition wasn’t easy; Julian found himself fighting off this invisible force with everything he had. though, when his efforts proved futile, he gave out a slow, agonizing cry that hurt his very soul. and yet–– no sound came out of his mouth. instead, there was a devious smirk plastered on his lips, as though his inner struggle was utterly irrelevant.

          there was now only one thing on his mind; one desperate urge that he had, which he would stop at nothing to achieve–– and that was cold-blooded murder.

          it didn’t come as a shock when he heard the door mysteriously lock behind him. he knew the only way for it to unlock itself would be for him to complete the mission that was required of him by the queen. sea-green hues immediately darted to emma, who's chest rose and fell in her slumber. there she was; lying in the bed that had caused him so much anguish their first time in faerie. if things were different, he knew it would’ve been entirely impossible to keep his hands off of her. but now, none of that mattered.

          before she had the chance to fight back, Julian sprinted towards her, landing on top of her on the mattress, knees holding her hips in place in order to immobilize her. though, when he went to reach for the dagger strapped to his waist, it was gone. eyes widened momentarily in shock and yet, without missing a beat, he reached for her neck instead; calloused fingers snaking around her throat as he began to choke the life out of his parabatai.

davina ;

          hesitation –– that had been the norm with them from the moment they’d found out she’d been adopted by his parents. from then on their entire relationship had been filled with unspoken words and tiptoeing around feelings that no longer mattered. did they even still know how to be around each other in spite of all the lies that hung in the air? would she ever fully forgive him for deceiving her time after time and breaking both their hearts in the process?

           ❛ truth is, i just can’t let you go. ❜ he reached for a rogue strand of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. ❛ i’m sick of the lies, davina. i’ve gotten so good at pretending my feelings for you were never real i almost believed them myself. ❜ he wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to justify his actions or simply ask for forgiveness; perhaps a bit of both. still, he was a long way away from being good enough for her, that much was clear. julian was fully aware that she deserved better, and yet, here he was; selfishly coming clean about his reckless need for her. ❛ but you’re trying to leave me and i don’t know what else to do to make you stay. ❜

          knowing that he was hurting her heart was already painful enough, but hearing her say the words out loud was practically unbearable. he had covered her hand on his chest with his, enveloping it into a fist as he drew her up against him; but immediately went rigid once her words sank in. ❛ i can’t promise you what you’re asking of me right now. ❜ he loosened his hold on her for a moment. ❛ i want you, and us, but the way i feel about all this hasn’t changed –– i still think it’s wrong to pursue this; i still think we’re putting the children at risk by being together–– ❜ a wave of uncertainty washed over him as he feared the worst; that she would recoil in the face of his candor. ❛ am i alone in this? we both know the clave won’t stand for it. ❜ 

davina ;

          it was the same old story with them. this back and forth of them professing their feelings but ultimately coming to the conclusion that nothing had changed –– not that it ever would. although, he couldn’t pretend that something inside him hadn’t snapped when she sought refugee in the arms of another. it pained his very core to see her move on from him; especially when he was nowhere near ready to let her go. would he ever be? not even he knew the answer to that.

           ❛ do you think i want things to be this hard? ❜ lips tightened to the point where they turned white, though his gaze never wavered. ❛ do you think i don’t question my decision every damn day? ❜ he was trying his hardest to rationalize it all, but it was near impossible when she was this close to him and the familiar scent of her fragrance drew him in even more.

          he had a reasonable explanation for everything she’d said; or at least, he thought he did. at that particular moment, he couldn’t remember a single one of them. hearing his name leave her lips the way it did– it was something he’d longed for more than anything the past few months. something he didn’t think he had the right to; not because she was with someone else at the time, but because he didn’t deserve it, not after everything he’d put her through.

          but there she was; begging him to love her. if she only knew there was no need for any of that. his heart had belonged to her for as long as he could remember. sea green eyes fluttered shut and the moment their lips touched, it was like everything had suddenly fallen into place; as though he was finally whole again. he reached for her cheek, using his thumb to caress it as he stared her dead in the eyes. ❛ i never stopped. ❜ he breathed in response, resting his head on hers and brushing the tip of their noses together. ❛ my love for you is timeless–– torturous but wonderful at the same time; unstable but ultimately indestructible. nothing will ever come close to this, right here. ❜