I can't be everywhere (No outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader) ANGST! Part 3
Summary: You knew Joel was a busy man, but you never thought that when you needed him most you would hear, "I can't be everywhere." As if your pain meant nothing. So you decided that you couldn't be everywhere either… You couldn't be in his heart anymore.
Warnings: NSFW, self-harm (something like that), rough sex, p in v, unprotected sex, ANGST, miscarriage, misunderstanding, loss, mourning, broken heart, age gap (17 years), Joel is 45, depression, Joel tries hard, but… He can't show his true emotions…
You thought being away from Joel, away from the place that reminded you of the loss of your baby, would help you, but it didn't. You felt like you were starting to get depressed, and living with your friend wasn't helping you at all.
Maddie was sweet, but she tried too hard. You felt like she was taking on the role of your mother. She was worried that you weren't eating enough, that you weren't going out enough, and her attempts to talk to you about going to therapy only made you angry.
Deep down you knew she wanted good for you, but in your emotional state, you just had the desire to reject her.
And that's exactly what you did. You found an apartment to rent and two weeks after you first entered her apartment, you moved out.
After finding a new apartment, you didn't feel any better. You tried to occupy your mind, find a new hobby, work more, but… You ended up sitting in the corner of your bedroom and crying.
You processed thousands of scenarios in your head. Maybe you should have had an abortion? Then it would all be over before it began. Maybe not? Maybe you would suffer more and hate Joel more.
Maybe you had a bad diet? You didn't take folic acid before pregnancy because… You weren't planning a pregnancy.
Thousands of thoughts that did not allow you to sleep and function normally. Being able to work from home didn't make anything easier either, because you didn't have to go outside.
You always had a tendency to overthink and get anxious, but when you were with Joel it was easier for you.
He always knew how to put your mind at ease. He wrapped his strong arms around you and pulled you to his chest. He kissed your head and murmured sweet things. Joel wasn't a man of many words, but his embrace was enough. You felt then safe and surrounded by a protective cocoon of love.
But you weren't sure if it would help you now.
*
Joel hated the emptiness that filled his house. The emptiness that reflected his interior. He slowly realized how much he should have changed in his life and himself. He didn't know if this would get you back, but he had to do something because he felt like he was going crazy. He started by renovating the house or rather building another room… A children's room. He decided to tear down the wall and enlarge the room that had once served as Sarah's dressing room and storage room for her toys. He knew it was crazy, and Tommy didn't hesitate to say it to his face when he visited to watch a game and drink beer.
"Are you crazy? Let me understand this correctly. You are building a children's room now, for a baby who…"
Joel grimaced. When he heard it out loud, he realized how stupid it was, but he was going to defend himself.
"No. Look, I'm not crazy, I know it won't bring this baby back to life, but… I should have started doing this as soon as I found out about Y/N's pregnancy. I know it seems crazy now, but… I have to do this and… It doesn't have to be the nursery. When Y/N comes back… If she comes back, she'll decide. It could be her office, guest room, home gym… Whatever."
Tommy took a sip of his beer and nodded.
"Okay… Now that sounds a little more reasonable. Shall I help you?"
Joel smiled a little. Sometimes his younger brother was very annoying, but he could always count on his support.
The younger Miller looked at him and asked quietly:
Joel reached for another beer and shook his head.
"He replies to my text messages, but as briefly as possible. Usually, it's just a dry: okay, I'm fine, don't call…"
"So for now, no chance of her coming back."
"No, but… If this is your way of trying to get out of helping me with the renovation, it's too late."
"Not at all… I promised it, so I'll help you."
*
A month and a half had passed since you left and Joel was losing hope of any reconciliation with you. He felt lost and maybe a little disappointed. He just wanted a chance, one little chance. He was ready to do anything, to fall on his knees in front of you and beg for forgiveness. He would promise you everything.
When he got your text message with the address of the new apartment and the request to send your things, he felt his heart break once again, and then… He knew that what he wanted to do was crazy, that you would be furious, but it was his last hope.
*
When you heard the doorbell, you were sure it was the courier with your things. From what Joel wrote, everything was fit into four boxes. You walked across the living room and kicked the pizza box under the couch. You didn't care that your hair was messy and you were wearing Joel's old t-shirt that you took before leaving him. You couldn't even explain why you were wearing it. You told yourself it was comfortable, but you knew it wasn't everything.
You opened the door and your heart sank.
That was the first thing you managed to say when you saw Joel with a bouquet, his hair slicked back and looking too good for your opinion.
Joel expected such a reaction, so he didn't lose his confidence and gently said:
"Hey, Y/N…" He looked you up and down. He saw that you didn't look your best. The fact that you were wearing his t-shirt made him feel both happy and melancholy.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" you hissed.
You wanted to slam the door, preferably to hit him in the nose, but you knew it was pointless. Joel would probably be banging on the door anyway. You would never think that he would take time off work and drive so many miles to see you. This seemed out of character for him. So he must have been desperate.
"I brought your things. I thought it would be better if I did it myself, just to… To make sure they reach you."
You huffed and looked at him disapprovingly. It was such a pathetic excuse.
Joel lowered his head and scratched the back of his neck.
"I wanted to see you." He said contritely. "Call me an idiot, an asshole… A motherfucker, but… I miss you."
Something about his voice and attitude made you soften. This wasn't the same Joel who hurt you in the hospital. It didn't mean you forgave him, but… You missed him too. You missed his body, the grip of his hands on your hips. You felt yourself getting warm. You had this sudden need to replace your emotional pain with a moment of oblivion.
You grabbed Joel by his shirt and dragged him inside. You grabbed the flowers he was holding for you and tossed them aside.
"I missed…" You growled and started to undo his belt. "…for this."
Joel's eyes widened and he gasped in surprise. His hands were shaking as he grabbed yours and tried to stop you from what you were doing.
"Y/N what are you doing… I… That's not what I came for."
You felt like laughing. You knew perfectly well that he wasn't here to have sex. Joel might be an asshole sometimes, but he would never do something like this. You didn't care, you were going to push him over the edge. Use him like a fucking toy.
"I want you to fuck me! Hard, fast, rough… So I can feel it in next day…"
Joel's face turned red and he swallowed hard.
"But… I… I don't want to hurt you."
"I don't give a damn what you want!"
Joel swallowed. Part of him wanted to push you away, beg you to come back to your senses. He didn't come to make love to you. He wanted to talk to you and beg for forgiveness, but on the way to you, he promised himself that he would do whatever you wanted. And you wanted rough sex. So he put aside morality and common sense and turned on his animal instincts. He thought it was too simple, but the truth was that you always turned him on, even in his stretched-out t-shirt. He grabbed your buttocks and picked you up onto the kitchen counter.
You smirked. You had him exactly where you wanted him. You saw the bulge in his pants.
Joel grabbed your thighs and said:
He didn't need more, he took off your shorts and panties in one move. His hand went to your pussy, but before he could touch your clit, you grabbed his hand.
"No… Without preparation."
Joel looked at you with dark eyes and growled.
"I won't fuck you when you are dry! You want me to hurt you. I'll do it the way you want… Hard… Rough, but…" He sighed and his gaze became pleading. "Please."
You wanted to continue arguing with him, but you knew he was right. He was capable of fucking you so hard that you would feel it the next day, even if he prepared you. You nodded, and his thumb immediately began rubbing rhythmic circles on your clit. His free hand reached for his cock, which was already half-hard.
You tilted your head back and moaned softly as you felt him insert one finger into you.
He too made a few grunts as he stroked his cock, which was already standing proudly.
When you felt yourself getting closer to climax, you grabbed his wrist and growled:
He looked at you in surprise and grimaced. You knew what he meant. He was a master at preparing you, and he never stopped stretching you with just one finger.
Joel sighed and shook his head, but he was already aroused and saw that there was no point in arguing with you. He pulled away for a moment and lowered his pants and boxers. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and went to pull out a condom, but you stopped him again. This time there was anger in his eyes.
"Y/N…" he growled warningly.
But you weren't going to take a step back.
"I'm not making you finish inside me… You'll take out before you come."
You saw the moment he gave up. He simply didn't have the energy to fight you as his erect cock twitched with anticipation, wanting to feel your warm core.
He grabbed your hips and pulled you to the edge of the kitchen counter. You felt his cock head against your pussy. You bit your lip and nodded slightly at him. You knew it would hurt, but you wanted it.
Joel pushed into you with one brutal thrust, causing the air to escape from your lungs. You dug your nails into his shoulders and gasped. Joel moved closer to you. His lips were on your neck as he growled,
"This is what you wanted…" And then, more gently, he added, "Should I stop?"
And that was it. He figured you got a chance earlier to back out. He wanted you in that animalistic way, even though he knew how wrong it was. He gripped your hips tightly and that was his only warning before he started pounding into you.
He didn't even give you a moment to adjust to his thrusts. You held onto him tightly, completely at his mercy. You had no control over the speed or force of his thrusts. You screamed as the pain mixed with pleasure.
Joel got lost in your body and he couldn't think straight. He finally felt your warm body, and your scent, and heard your voice. For a few seconds, he could forget everything that had happened. He could pretend you never broke up.
He just came home from work and you greeted him in his t-shirt and soaked panties and offered him your pussy instead of dinner. So he accepted it happily and took you here and now.
You moaned louder and louder as you felt your climax getting closer. Your thighs were trembling, your breathing quick and shallow.
You dug your nails deeper into his flesh as you climaxed. Joel grunted as he felt your vaginal muscles tighten around his cock. He knew he had to get out of you… Quick.
You hissed in pain when he pulled out of you without warning and with a decisive movement. He leaned back and grabbed his dick. A few movements of his hand were enough for him to come. His cum landed on your thighs and the kitchen counter.
Joel pulled up his boxers and pants. He moved closer to you and rested his head on your shoulder, breathing heavily.
You raised your hand, wanting to do what you always did, which was to run your hand through his hair, but in the end, you stopped yourself.
After a few moments, Joel controlled his breathing and pulled away, and then… He grabbed you and held you in his arms. You didn't expect this. He carried you to the couch and carefully laid you down.
"In the hall on the right…" you muttered.
Joel nodded and when he was gone you closed your eyes and sighed. You still felt the pain from his strong thrusts, but it finally made your mind go blank. There were no unnecessary thoughts, just a feeling of fulfillment and pain mixed with pleasure.
You didn't even notice when Joel came back. When you felt the wet, warm towel between your thighs, you yelped in surprise and jumped. Joel immediately placed his hand on your belly and said soothingly:
"I'm just going to clean you up… How are you feeling?"
You blinked in surprise. It's not that Joel was never tender and caring, and yet… He was never that caring. You cleared your throat and muttered:
Joel nodded and placed a soft kiss on your thigh.
"Do you need anything? Water? A painkiller? A warm compress?"
You frowned and shook your head.
"No… I just want to take a nap."
Joel immediately got up and lay down next to you, wrapping his arms around you. Well… that's not what you wanted. But when you felt his warm, strong body pressing against your body, you gave up. When you felt him kiss your head, you allowed yourself to relax. You haven't slept well in weeks. Before you thought twice, you fell into a deep sleep.
*
In the morning you woke up in bed. You slowly sat up and blinked in surprise. You looked around confused, thinking maybe it was all a dream, but then you moved your hips and felt yourself sore. You looked at your watch and realized that you had slept for over twelve hours.
Your eyes widened in surprise. What added to the shock was the fact that there was a glass of water and Advil on the bedside table.
After a while, you heard a noise coming from the kitchen. You carefully got out of bed and put on a clean T-shirt and shorts. You slowly moved towards the kitchen. You smelled food, which made you feel hungry. You noticed boxes of your things in the living room. And then Joel standing at the kitchen stove caught your attention. His back was turned to you and you could admire his broad shoulders and muscular back.
Joel turned around and smiled warmly when he saw you.
"Hey… Did you sleep well?"
You frowned, wondering if maybe you were sleeping. You ignored his question and sat down at the kitchen table.
Joel sighed, the smile disappearing from his face when he noticed that you weren't happy at all.
"You fell asleep… You slept so soundly that my attempts to wake you up were useless. I moved you to the bedroom, brought your things, slept on the couch, and… Now I'm making you breakfast."
You snorted, wondering if he was serious.
"You're making me breakfast? Wow. Where did you get the idea that I wanted that? Where did you get the idea that I wanted you to stay here for the night."
Joel cocked his head to the side as if he didn't even understand what you were saying.
"But… I thought that… We… You…"
You felt irritation rising within you.
"That what? That I forgave you because you fucked me? No, Joel… I just needed it, that's all."
Joel felt like you hit him in the chest with something heavy. Yes, he knew he deserved it. He nodded and looked at you sadly.
"To come back to Texas. Now."
You were a little afraid that Joel would start arguing with you, that maybe he would say something that would hurt you, but… He just walked to the couch, gathered his things, put on his jacket, and then walked up to you and kissed your head. He took you completely by surprise and you couldn't even push him away.
"Let me know if you need anything, I'll fly to you… And remember that I'm waiting for you. And I will wait as long as you need."
When he left, you realized you had been holding your breath the whole time. You took a shaky breath and felt tears streaming down your cheeks. You couldn't move. You looked at the cup of coffee and cheese toast that Joel had left on the counter. You wrapped your arms around yourself and allowed yourself more tears.
*
A/N
1) Before you comment, please bear in mind that I want to show that depression sometimes comes in many forms. Depressed people are prone to dangerous behavior, such as sex with strangers.
Unfortunately, I myself found out in the past that physical pain brought me relief from mental pain.
If some people are dissatisfied with the reader's behavior, I'm sorry, but no one is forcing you to continue reading.
2) I watched scenes from episode 6 hundreds of times and concluded that Joel is an emotional orphan. Joel cannot express his own feelings, so he adapts to the feelings of others. In the first conversation with Tommy (the one in the bar), Tommy is a bit pushy, tense, and rough, and… Joel reacts with exactly the same emotions. In their second conversation, Tommy shows much more empathy, compassion, and calm, he is more open, so Joel opens up to him. In turn, in a conversation with Ellie, who attacks him (which, by the way, is normal for teenagers), Joel obviously takes on her emotions. And that's why when Y/N throws herself at him and encourages him to have rough sex, he naturally picks up on her lack of control and unbalanced attitude.
