ask us things!

hey anon! I went through some similar things when I was first coming to terms with myself. right off the bat, I wanna say that I have some reservations with label of demisexuality. obviously you can do what you want, but as someone who used to use that label for myself for what was really just comphet/internalized homophobia. I think sexual attraction is a specturm, everyone’s sex drives are different and some people are def ace, but I’ve seen demisexuality as a standalone label cause more harm than good. I find sex within relationships way better + more fulfilling than casual hook-ups, but I still wouldn’t consider myself demi anymore. I think this is honestly a fairly common experience for many ppl. 

I am a lesbian who also had childhood/teen crushes on men. I never actually dated them because whenever I’d be in any sort of situation with them even like kissing etc I’d panic and shut down (again, something I assumed was bc of being demi but really just uhhhh gay). my girlfriend also used to ID as bi, dated men, then came out as demi/ace, then realized she was just a lesbian all along so I think this type of trajectory is really quite common. 

I don’t know you or your experiences beyond what little you’ve told me and can’t say how you should identify (& I know you weren’t asking that either!) but as a lesbian, much of what you’ve said sounds very relatable to me earlier on in my coming out/coming to terms journey. I think continuing to reflect and figure your shit out is good (but also balancing without overthinking it). I’m not saying having relationships/sexual experiences with women might help clarify things for you, but I know it did for me (lol). things will start to click into place and it’s ok to not fully know where you stand! there is no timeline for figuring yourself out - it’s a long process and unlearning all the internalized stuff just takes time and reflection

i think this sounds like it could be comphet and just general insecurity in your identity, which I think is quite common among bi women/wlw in general. personally, when I first came out (as bi at the time), I felt like I was always second guessing myself and doubting if I actually liked women or was just faking it. 

it is SO hard to unlearn the societal conditioning that goes into sexuality and the assumption that all women have to like men and men only. I wish I had more specific advice for you but I think it’s really great that you are in tune with these dynamics and recognizing them within yourself. I think it just gets easier with time, and when you feel yourself thinking these things, disrupting those thoughts and trying to push back and remind yourself where they might be coming from might be helpful. 

hey anon, I think your attraction to real life people is much more reliable metric than looking at random celebs! i personally don’t find that many famous women/models that attractive (like, I could look and be like yes objectively this person is hot but it’s very different than when you have a crush on someone irl or meet someone attractive at least for me). I think this probably means that you are attracted to women! it’s totally normal to feel more attraction/investment in irl crushes and all people experience things a bit differently, but it sounds like you find it easier to feel attraction when you already know people which is great and normal too! 

you don’t owe him anything - if you’re not out yet, you can absolutely still reject people for no reason other than you’re not interested! if you still want to be friends with him, I would just let him know that you appreciate his friendship but don’t want more than that. if you feel comfortable mentioning your sexuality or want to come out to him, I think that is okay too (but obviously a little bit harder of a conversation). 

I understand feeling bad about this but you should never feel pressured to reciprocate with anyone just because they like you - same applies when you are dating women too! you don’t owe anyone anything

hey anon, this is a hard situation and I think that you are the only one who can truly know what the nature of your attraction to your partner. in terms of sexual attraction to girls but not crushes, I think that can be complicated by the nature of comphet and overcoming some internalized homophobia - I know I found it difficult to picture myself in relationships with women even though I knew I was attracted to them. I think this is fairly common tbh and can be rooted in overcoming your internalized stuff about wlw relationships. 

again, I of course can’t know how you feel about your partner. I think it’s kind of normal to not be sexually attracted to your partner 24/7? like, I think of my girlfriend as hot and attractive but I personally don’t experience attraction like...constantly or anything, it’s definitely most apparent when we are being intimate so that sounds fairly normal to me (but again, I think everyone experiences attraction a little bit differently). it’s entirely possible to be bi with a preference for women, but still love and be attracted to your partner. this is really hard to sort out and I wish I had more concrete advice for you but I don’t have any personal experience w this type of scenario! if any followers who are bi women or lesbians who used to date men want to chime in, feel free!!

tmi is ok! that is what this blog is for lol. 

i don’t think that porn/erotica choices are necessarily reflective of your actual in real life desires. i’ve said this on here before too but i often read explicit m/m fanfic (lol) and i am not a gay man nor do i want to have sex with men at all, but it’s still fun to read and sexy! i don’t watch porn, but i think the same general principles apply. at a certain point, sex is sex and it’s normal to be aroused by it (especially if it is reflective of your kinks/other things you are into). i know straight women who watch lesbian porn or lesbians who watch gay porn etc etc and that doesn’t have any bearing on their actual sexuality 

i would reflect more on what you want in real life - if you were presented with a situation where you could have sex with a man, would you actually want to? when you fantasize about having sex is it with men or women? imo, that information is way more telling than your porn preferences. 

hey! sorry it took me so long to get to this one. 

this is a hard situation anon and i’m sorry your friend is acting like that. if it were me, i would try to talk to them about it and say that i’ve noticed they’ve been acting weird since i came out. i know confrontation is really uncomfortable and hard, but it seems like you might benefit from talking to them - at least to set up some boundaries (like no more pictures of “hot” guys”, etc.). if she doesn’t stop with this behavior, i would personally not feel very comfortable keeping a friend around who was being homophobic to me and didn’t respect my identity. 

good luck anon, sorry your friend is behaving like that! 

yes, absolutely! many lesbians are non binary themselves. non-binary itself isn’t a coherent identity category & can mean a lot of things to different people, so you can’t really make generalizations but lesbians can and do date some nonp-binary people. not all non-binary people necessarily want to date lesbians (for example, i know some non-binary people who would consider themselves mlm and others wlw so it just depends). but short answer - yes! 

hey anon, I’m so sorry that happened to you. that is really shitty & that anon doesn’t know you at all or anything about your sexuality. many lesbians I know have dated or hooked up with men in some capacity before realizing they were gay! my girlfriend dated lots of men before she came out & while I never dated men, I had crushes on boys when I was younger. retrospectively, I can understand these as various forms of comp het and confusing platonic feelings for attraction, but it doesn’t have a bearing on my current identity. 

trust yourself - you are the only person who knows your experience and the only one who can define your identity. of course I don’t know you but I will say it sounds like you are a lesbian from this ask! if you are only attracted to and want to pursue relationships with women, then you’re a lesbian - even if in the past you've been with men. you are certainly not a fraud and I think you might be surprised how many lesbians relate to your experience! good luck anon! 

I think you can, yes. I think arousal is not the same as actively wanting it in real life and sometimes you can’t fully control it. (sorry if this is tmi lol) I’m for sure a lesbian and I’ve definitely read male/male fanfic and felt aroused by descriptions of dicks BUT I do not actually want any of that in real life. I also don’t know if this is at all applicable to you but I know personally my wires can get a bit crossed with attraction/arousal vs. dysphoria and gender envy so that can also make this whole thing a bit messy. at the end of the day, I am confident that I am a lesbian and do not actually want to have irl sex with men and that is the most important part - regardless of what else is going on with my brain/dysphoria. just sharing these personal anecdotes in case they are helpful, if they are not or don’t apply to you then disregard entirely!

again, I think the most important part is what you actually want in real life - if you can picture yourself with women and actively want that, then I would try not to overthink the rest of it (easier said than done, I know!). it is hard to untangle comphet from all of this too since there is so much societal pressure/conditioning toward heterosexuality. I am sorry you’re feeling anxious about this but I promise you are not disgusting and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. if you want to only pursue relationships with women and aren’t interested in relationships/sex with men, you are a lesbian! 

I think that porn is porn and it’s normal to be aroused by sex in general. I would ask if you are turned on by it simply because it’s sex and sex of any type can be sexy or if you actively wish you were having sex with a man (which is different and might complicate things for someone identifying as a lesbian). I don’t watch porn but I have heard plenty of gay women who watch gay male porn which is obviously not the same as het but I think a similar principle applies - sex is sex and you can watch porn that doesn’t necessarily align 100% with your desires. 

hey anon! there is no set timeline and everyone comes out at different times - i know people who have come out as young kids, others who are much older than you before they realize and come out. i understand feeling worried that people will be judgmental, but coming out and coming to terms with your sexuality is such a personal process. our society puts so much pressure on women to be straight & comp het is very, very real and difficult to overcome. 

many lesbians that i know have dated men at one point or another, so you are certainly not alone there - i don’t want to make generalizations but i know you are in good company as many lesbians have dated men at some point. also, i know tons of wlw who started dating much later or are generally inexperienced relative to their straight peers just because all of that is harder when you’re gay so you really don’t need to feel like you are behind in that regard. also, it’s easier said than done, but i would try to find community with people in your age group if you can and connect to others who have shared experiences. 

i really think that you are far from alone here & there is not a cutoff for a reasonable age to come out by or anything. don’t let any of that make you feel bad about your own journey getting here. you are not any less of a lesbian if you come out a little bit later in life (& honestly, you’re still quite young!). best of luck & congrats on figuring this out about yourself <3 

hey anon! I think it is really just up to you and your partner to see if it’s something you’re interested in trying together. i think many women do use straps, but many also do not and it really comes down to personal preference. it doesn’t hurt to ask & its healthy to communicate about your sexual desires with your partner, even if you don’t end up trying it. you can ask in a low pressure way and open up the conversation - you’ll never know unless you talk to them about it! 

(2/2)  to add to my last question i have sometimes had sexual attraction towards women i DON'T know and whom i don't know their sexuality either. it's moreso straight women i know that i don't ever feel any romantic/sexual attraction to. this is all so new to me still and i feel like a mess. i just know that the feelings i have already had, have been towards wlw. but i feel invalid bc i have heard of times of wlw having serious crushes on straight women but i can’t relate to that. YES! that is 100% valid and honestly normal? i wouldn’t say it’s abnormal to have crushes on straight women but i know lots of wlw who are not attracted to women once they know they are straight. i don’t relate to crushing on straight women myself - it’s just not a part of my experience personally and i am very very much a lesbian. imo, it makes sense that you would be developing feelings for women you know might reciprocate (vs. straight women). i wouldn’t read too much into it & for all the pining after straight women is a normal wlw experience talk, i know comparatively few wlw irl who have that experience. so tldr you are totally valid & i relate much more to your ask than to experiences of crushing on het women.

hey anon, it’s normal for crushes to come and go! i also think it’s normal to be insecure in your attraction to women or constantly feeling like you’re faking - i experience some of that and i’ve heard lots of my wlw friends express sentiments like “maybe i’m just having crushes on girls because i’m surrounded by attractive women all the time not because i’m actually gay” (which sounds a bit silly because that statement reads VERY gay to me but i’ve had multiple people tell me that exact statement before and it reminded me of what you said in your message). it’s so engrained in our society to be straight that it’s hard to come to terms with your attraction to women or feel confident in that, but i would try your best not to overthink it (easier said than done!). i don’t know if you deal with anxiety or anything related, but i personally have ocd and i’ve dealt with some related intrusive thoughts like “you’re faking being gay” etc and sometimes those still pop up for me even though i’ve only ever dated women & am happily in a long term relationship with another woman & am confident in my identity as a lesbian. again - this might not apply to you but just wanted to share my experiences with some of these thought patterns that might be relatable even if we don’t share any mental illness diagnoses!   and finally - you can still be attracted to women even if you don’t have an “active” crush. it’s stressful to confess to crushes also, but the outcome doesn’t change your attraction to women in general or have a bearing on your sexuality. good luck anon! <3