Loooooooo. Read thissss 😭😭😭💖

@sunflowerslovee

My anxiety is really acting up today after having a good streak of "up" days in a row and being a few weeks into medication. The last few months, I've been able to have experiences with my anxiety where I can recognize that it's my anxiety acting up and being illogical--rather than an accurate portrayal of what's going on and how I should feel about it.

I have two Important Things happening this week, and I'm having a lot of anxiety about both the parts I can control and the parts I can't. I spent the better part of this morning overwhelmed and trying to push my anxiety away with distraction, only for it not to work (as usual). But now I'm able to see my anxiety for what it is a bit more clearly. I've taken a few steps back from it lately so I can finally have some perspective.

And that's really important, groundbreaking stuff for me. I've been in a really rough spot where I was *completely* ruled by my mental health for far too long. I'm starting to get some distance from that vice grip.

But now I'm still stuck with these feelings--most of which are normal and can't be "fixed"- and I don't know how to cope. I'm in a place now where distraction isn't working, and that's both a blessing and a curse, as it means I'm letting go of unhealthy behaviors, but am now forced to try and find solutions and feeling stuck.

Even writing here is good for me, because I know it's a healthier choice and one that feels cathartic. It's hard for me to celebrate my own progress. It's always felt awkward and uncomfortable. It's hard to accept that, maybe, I just can't fix feeling off right now and the sooner I accept that and stop trying so hard to control how I feel (honestly, my biggest vice...)....

I'll feel better.

At least I'll try to work on taking the win and acknowledging that this really is progress and that it's okay to have yucky feelings and that sitting with them is undesirable but actually okay.

For a moment there, my stomach felt a bit less sick and I think I let go of some muscle tension.

Oh.

It's early in the morning and he came into my room and said he was going to close the door because he was giving a tour of the place. His friend is here. I'm half-awake and trying to go back to sleep. I can hear them talking and walking around, and eventually sitting at the table.

At some point, I open my eyes. I realize my door is open. And that I can't go close it because I only sleep in underwear (and must hide from visitors at all times). Are you fucking kiddng me?! I try to cover my face with the covers and shrink under them. Instantly, I'm super embarrassed and angry that Jordan would leave my door open while I was sleeping--who does that?! I consider texting him to close the door, but I don't want the action connected to a noise notification letting his friend know I'm awake.

Jordan asks if his friend wants to go to McDonald's (a weird suggestion on his part), and friend doesn't seem into it, but they're going anyway. I excitedly want a few things and plan to text Jordan when he comes in my room to kiss me goodbye.

When he doesn't acknowledge his friend, I frantically whisper "is someone here?!"

"No? I can check if you want."

......Slowly, I realize I was dreaming and start to dissolve into a pile of embarrassment. I avoid eye contact.

"You must have been dreaming."

I'm too embarrassed to talk about it for a moment, but tell him the condensed version as he's about to walk out the door and we both laugh.

Sometimes I'm a bit loopy when I first wake up. 😂😂😂

It took my social anxiety 30 mins to return some watermelon I incorrectly bet on being good and then the dude gave me money back for my one of my the packages after saying he couldn't because I had opened it.

I love when people are nice. Jordan always thinks it's the cutest how someone doing the littlest nice thing for me always makes me day and has me beaming for hours.