*hears one tiny creak from the floorboards down the hall*

my traumatized ass every. damn. time:

i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit

there is a CHILD ALCHEMIST LOOSE IN THE STATE MILITARY!

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE CHILD IS GOING TO DO, LEAST OF ALL THE CHILD!

HE’S NEVER BEEN IN THE MILITARY BEFORE!

They interviewed a man who once saw a baby in a restaurant.

WE’VE ALL SEEN A BABY IN A RESTAURANT!!!

THIS IS A CHILD. LOOSE IN THE MILITARY.

@dalethesjtoddler

And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child, and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris, I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m so fucking crazy.”

This post was written by Roy Mustang

Sometimes it’s not a bad thing, just surprising. Like, “Today the child did alchemy without a transmutation circle,” and everyone is like, “Huh, I didn’t know he could do that.”

The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the child at all. Those are the days when everyone is like “I think the child has finally calmed down,” and then the child is like “I just uncovered a government conspiracy. I went in that secret lab and snuck in there with my tiny body. I have a tiny body, but don’t you tell me that, or I’ll fuck you up,” and you’re like “That’s what I thought you’d say, you tiny fucking child.”

And then for a second we’re like “Maybe the government will fire the child,” and the child is like “I have dismantled the government.”

Shoutout to Ed for identifying as agnostic after God ripped two of his limbs off

a total power move

When your legs don’t work like they used to before

Profanitee

A manatee that swears at random times

Fellas , is it gay to constantly think about your rival / childhood friend and obsess over them at every turn , and constantly have them on you mind ?? and you lash out because they’re so amazing that you can’t believe they wouldn’t have an alterior motive for being as perfect as they are ??? Fellas ,,, is it gay to dramatically reveal that you care about him and admire him more than anyone ??? but you didn’t understand your own emotions ?? Is it gay to get mad at him for not realizing how special he is and never looking after himself , so you vow to stay by his side to help him and protect him ? MmFELLAS . IS IT GAY . TO THOUGHTLESSLY JUMP IN FRONT OF YOUR RIVAL WHEN THEYRE IN DANGER AND SACRAFICE YOUR LIFE FOR THEM WITHOUT HESITATION ?? Is it gay if your life flashes beforeyour eyes and you only think of him ?? Is it gay ??

Has this been done? Is this how fan who have left feel?

cas trying to figure out the best way to say goodbye to dean while professing his love for him at the same time:

fucking superb you funky little arsonist

Deku, after some dude insults him: Live and let live. Be the bigger person. Live. Laugh. Love.

Deku, after some dude insults Kacchan:

no. you know what? fuck you. *uncaramelizes your onions*

in this house we stan dionysus!

#Hermes: he’s dead Dionysus you don’t actually have to do this #Dionysus [polishing his giant wooden dildo]: I made a PROMISE (x)

This is the also the myth of the creation of the dildo. And in some versions of the myth, Prosymnus’ soul was so overjoyed, that he was transferred to Elysium. That’s right, Dionysus rode Prosymnus’ pseudo-dick so good that he was moved to the Blessed AfterlifeTM

dionysus: can’t believe prosymnus died before I could keep my promise to let him bone me the nymphs: you don’t have to, you know dionysus, oiling up the world’s first dildo: no I’m gonna

Prosymnus’ soul literally ascended

Dionysus: What do you desire as payment brave psychopomp? I will give anything in my power as a god. How about a lyre that plays itself? Or a font of endless wine?

Prosymnus, who has been sweating with barely contained horny for the entire boat ride: