Hi! It seems you found my blog from a post I made back when my blog was about MaDD. I do still have MaDD, even if I no longer post about it, but it's definitely definitely much easier to handle now. I used to have to pace every single day for hours at a time, so much that I would even have to pace while I was on sleepovers with my friend and would have to delay leaving my house for multiple hours for the purpose of daydreaming and pacing
You sound like you are not only struggling with the amount of daydreaming and how much time it takes out of your day, but also how it affects you emotionally and your view of your own life and such. And I know, it does suck. I did the same thing as you; I did try to wish my daydreams into existence, and at the age of 14 I tried to escape my own reality, thinking it was a simulation, thanks to the voices I heard.. I know what it's like to be so unhappy in your own reality :(
And I know how bad it feels when people don't take your experiences seriously. I tried to seek help at sixth form and when I described my MaDD as an illness similar to OCD, the counselor completely ignored the daydreaming aspect and how it affects me entirely and only focused on the compulsiveness of the pacing I do whilst daydreaming. I felt like I wasn't being listened to so I completely gave up on that. Therapists should prioritise the patient and what they want to focus on, rather than what they think is right or wrong.
It quite wrecked my education and I practically failed cuz the urge to pace was so strong I couldn't study and had to do all homework the night before. It was quite hell. It sounds like you are going thru just that.
To help you with this, I think I'd have to know a bit more about your situation and how similar it may or may not have been to my own. I'm going to assume that you still live with your parents and may still be in some kind of education, so you might still be quite young? And I don't know what country you live in, so I'm not sure what the health services are like where you live. Either way, here's my experience:
After finishing education, I tried to get a job. I managed to get about 2 and a half days into the job before having to quit because of the panic on the job being too strong. Nothing much wrong with the job itself, my brain just felt like I physically couldn't/shouldn't be doing that job
When I told the job centre about why I quit, they urged me to go to the doctor about the anxiety. It took a long while, since I'd never been to the doctor on my own before, but I finally got an appointment
I spoke to a doctor about my experiences and I've been on sertraline ever since then. On sertraline, my urges to pace/daydream still occur, but much less often and to a much tamer degree. It's a lot easier to ignore (altho it has been a while since I've gone a day without pacing π¬ my longest streak was 4 days, but my mental health has plummeted since my nan's funeral in February, so I've not been making as much of an effort to reduce pacing.... Wait, does that mean it's been like 4 months???? God..)
I think this got slightly off topic since you were actually asking me about if I experienced jealousy. I don't think I've had that experience necessarily but I do definitely relate to the experience of desperately wanting, needing that life, even if it's not even an objectively good one..
It sounds like you feel like this because of not recognising your own potential tho. If this other person from your home town can achieve it, why can't you? Even if you feel shy, I think it's still worth it to work on your skills in your own time and privacy where you feel comfortable
If fame and love is where this need is coming from tho, perhaps you could try and find love in other ways instead of looking specifically for being a celebrity? Altho, having experienced your experiences, I understand that it's not all just about the feeling the daydream gives you, it's about being in that world specifically in real life, so I understand if that advice isn't exactly helpful to you
I don't know about your specific circumstances but I highly recommend starting medication if you haven't already. It doesn't work for everyone but it has done wonders for myself and if there's a chance that you can get the same success, then it is 1000% worth it just to try. I was scared of it taking away my daydreams, and while your brain gets used to the change in hormones, things do go haywire for a bit, but then it evens out really nicely and, in my experience, my daydreams have stayed intact at least til today, so you don't have to worry about that β€
Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have more questions. I do encourage asking myself and other MaDDers about their experiences, you'll get more help from them than from therapists imo. I don't want you to feel hopeless. I myself haven't experienced the jealousy but I am certain that you will find someone else who's had the exact same experience.
Please do not lose hope!!!! (*ΛαΛ*)α΅αα΅α’α΅Β α΅α΅α΅ for reaching out!!!!!! There is an end to this hell, I promise you, it is out there. I know how hard it is, I promise. But it is possible to live with your daydreams and not have them make such a strong impact on your life β€β€β€ you are worth it, please keep trying π (*ΛαΛ*)α΅αα΅α’α΅Β α΅α΅α΅
