[ben barnes — 41 — he/him] Introducing CLARK CAIN. Word on the street is they are a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, having been around for THEIR WHOLE LIFE. Though they are OBSESSIVE and IMPATIENT, they can also be VICIOUSLY LOYAL and DETERMINED. In the chaos of New York City, they’re sure to fit right in.
bio & wcs under the read more.
Hozier's Debut Perfomance of Too Sweet.
❝ If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great but while in this world, I think I'll take my whiskey neat. ❞
- Raleigh, April 20th 2024
"You want me to talk to you about work?" Flynn didn't quite understand. "Won't that upset you even more, considering you're not with me at work?" Flynn didn't want to upset Clark. He wanted to move forward and be friends again. When Clark mentioned Rowan, Flynn shifted slightly. "I guess." His Uncle was one of the only people that knew most of what Flynn had went through in his life. Sure, Clark knew that Flynn had been bullied. That it was one of the reasons he went into law enforcement. But he'd never went into specifics.
"I know what that's like. Having a hard time forgiving yourself for something. Or just.. ah-- not forgetting something that you regret." Flynn said, trying to show the other that he understood. "But I'm telling you that it's ok. That I ended up fine. So please... just try to not be so hard on yourself." Flynn offered a small smile. "For me?"
"It won't once I've had a night to sleep this feeling off. I know what it's like to come home and have no one to offload the bad days onto, or smile about the good days with. I want you to think that you can talk to me about anything, Flynn." He replied with a smile, watching the other carefully.
"Well, seeing as it's for you I suppose I will work on not being so hard on myself about it. It might take some time though, but I will try. I promise." It wasn't something he would easily forget, and he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive himself for it but he could at least try. Besides, now that he found himself back in Flynn's life he would do whatever it takes to protect him this time. He wouldn't mess up like that again, and he wouldn't let anyone else hurt him either.
"Or... you just keep the compliments to yourself?" Flynn suggested, even though he knew it wasn't a proper solution. "I will always agree to disagree. I might not even believe you." He admitted as he pressed his lips together before letting out a sigh. He had too many issues to even list.
"Okay." Flynn said with a nod, though, he was almost one hundred percent positive that Clark would choose not to continue anything with him after one date. Flynn wasn't a good partner. He didn't know how to be. He'd tried years ago with Lev and that had only lasted two fucking weeks.
"It's not just dating for me, Clark." Flynn said, unable to meet the other's eyes. Honestly, he felt like he needed to just provide Clark with a list of shit he had trouble with and then Clark could decide if he wanted to even try. If Flynn were him, he wouldn't touch someone like himself with a ten foot fucking pole. "I'd rather it be at your place. Going on a first date in public..." He chewed on the inside of his cheek. "I get overwhelmed easily. Probably not a good idea."
"Flynn, we don't need to approach that just yet. I don't have any intentions such as that for our first date. Besides, I imagine we're very much in the same boat." He replied softly, trying his best to meet the others eyes. Clark didn't give himself much room to find someone new to be friends with, never mind form a connection with them that might actually lead to some sort of attraction. If Flynn was speaking to the sexual side of things, Clark couldn't even remember the last time he had been sexually active. None of that mattered to him, not really. It would be nice with someone you were dedicated to but other than that it wasn't a dealbreaker, and neither was the level of experience so long as both he and his partner were comfortable.
"I thought as much, it feels less awkward and nervous too, at least for me." Clark spoke with a smile, chewing on his lower lip as he looked over Flynn. "Well, how about tomorrow night? Do you like pasta? I could cook us chicken alfredo, or maybe gnocchi. Even homemade pizza, if you'd like. Basically I'm good at Italian but if you don't like Italian, I can dip my toe into other international waters for you."
@caininvestigations -- A coffee shop, early
The last six months had been full of achievements, and finally getting a partner was one of them. In his head, he had always liked to work alone -- but now that he didn't have to, he learned just how much he liked it. The brief conversations, the second opinions -- or even the brilliant ideas. And Flynn was nice to work with.
But.
"Clark."
Kian grips his coffee cup hard, like it's a shield, mixed emotions overcoming him all at once -- Flynn's older partner, who's made a vital mistake, as he lives and breathes. Once a mentor, now fired, dishonorable, or so Kian has heard.
"How's it going?"
Caffeine. It was needed. It was always needed, because Clark was always tired but that was his life. He barely took notice of anyone within the coffee shop until he had his order, turning around to leave and he heard his name. Looking up, he saw Kian, and he stopped in his tracks. Well shit.
"Kian." He responded curtly, not knowing whether this was going to be an attack or an at least civil conversation. From what he remembered, there weren't many officers left in the force who would be willing to waste a breath on him after what had happened.
"It's uh... It's going. Be going a lot better once this coffee hits. What about you? How's..." work, "How's things?"
"Was looking for me worth it?" To throw everything away just to find him. Mathias could see obsession ran deep in the Cain bloodline. If Clark threw away what Mathias assumed was a promising career, then he must have really wanted to find him.
All Mathias wanted ever since he freed himself was to find a place in the world. To make a family that would accept him. Coming to New York and joining the Syndicate gave him access to that. He felt cared for by certain people, and he could finally get the love he lost out on. "I am too. I do not know how they will feel about you. I don't plan on telling them as a kindness to you. I'm sure I know what they'll ask of me if they knew you existed".
"That lead in particular didn't lead to anything, so for that reason no. But finding you in the end from the leads that did go somewhere, that was worth it." Clark answered honestly, looking over Mathias with a soft smile. "So if they know we're related I could end up dead? Looks like I'll have to say my surname is purely coincidental. Can't change it, it's part of my business." Though that would be the easiest route, that was for sure.
"Thank you for not telling them about me, I appreciate that. I don't feel like having my life cut short." He teased, chuckling softly. Clark knew that he was serious but if the PI didn't laugh about it, then he would overthink it too much.
"Yeah. I'm proud of myself for becoming a detective." And that was about it. His job was everything to him. "It's fine. I'm sorry, I just..." Flynn let out a sigh as he ran a hand through his dark hair. "Compliments... I don't know what to do with them. It feels weird, when I receive them. Like someone is just saying that to get something from me or..." To fuck with me.
Flynn nodded slowly, showing that he understood what Clark meant. "That makes sense." And it did. Flynn felt like he might be the same way. But then again, he rarely let himself feel anything towards other people that wasn't just as a friend. "So now... now you think it's the right time?"
He wasn't quite sure what he wanted it to mean. If he wanted to do it again or... If Clark actually wanted to. "Okay." Flynn said, his voice quiet as he look up towards his ex partner. "I have to tell you though... I don't have much experience in things going anywhere." He didn't want to lie to Clark. He didn't want to be fake. "I don't know what I'm doing. I have hard enough times trying to make friends." Flynn added. "So I'm not going to be hurt if you decide that I'm... I'm better as just a friend."
"I can tell. Maybe we can start testing the waters on those compliments and how you deal with them, but that's another days problem." Today had already been a lot for both of them, and Clark was mostly teasing regardless. If they made him uncomfortable then, for now he would keep the compliments to a minimum but he was the type of person that liked complimenting their friends and any significant other in his life.
"Now I think is the right time for us to get to know one another again, and you can decide if I'm even the type of person you would want as something more. We don't have to label anything if you don't want to. We could just... go on a couple of dates maybe and see if we think that it works?" Clark suggested, because honestly he was so unsure of himself and how this worked. When was the last time he had dated someone? He honestly couldn't remember.
Clark chuckled softly at the others words, looking at him with bright eyes, "I'm the same. I don't remember the last time I dated someone. I don't remember the last time anything went somewhere with another person. Friends don't come easily to me any more either." He used to be better at it, not so much now. "I love being your friend, but I don't think I could bare it if we didn't at least try to see if this could be something more than that. So how about it? We can start with a small, no-pressure or expectations date? I could cook for you, my place. Or we can go out for dinner, if you'd rather be in public."
"What was the personal case?" Clark was smart not to mention names, because Mathias would remember them. It settled into him oddly as he already thought of things he could do to hurt his cousin. That was what the Syndicate would want, and that was what Mathias needed to keep in mind. A cop was a cop, and they were no friends to his gang.
The hug was nice, even Mathias couldn't deny that. How long had it been since he hugged his family? The ache of missing them was starting to come back. How many night did Mathias cry himself to sleep when he first got taken away. He used to sob wishing someone from his family would come to comfort him. He shook his head at Clark, "Just because you don't believe it, doesn't mean it's not true". He was owned, grateful and obedient to an extent. "...He's my dad...He took me in and let me take his last name".
"You." Clark answered honestly, looking at Matty. "I was trying to track you down, find you. I had a lead and I left them to follow that." It was what it was, it had happened and that lead hadn't led to much. It hadn't been worth it, though he had managed to find Mathias at a later date it was nothing to do with the lead he had followed.
How long had it been since he hugged his family? His parents didn't live in New York, and knowing Mathias was here perhaps that was a good thing. The hug had surprised him, but it was... nice. The next words took him by surprise, if he were honest. Considering what Matty had done to his own father, Clark didn't think that he would want another. "I'm glad you found someone to look out for you. To call family."
Mathias had been struggling internally ever since Clark showed up in his life again. While he had let some in the Syndicate know of his little affair with a man of the cloth, he was not ready for them to know about his cousin. That was more dangerous. Clark represented a path that Mathias had written off. He had a family now and he was happy with them. But if he was happy then why did he struggle so much with Clark. On one hand, he wanted to kill his cousin and rid himself of the trouble. On the other, he did want to have his cousin back. It was a difficult choice and Mathias couldn't make the decision for himself. It didn't help that Mathias kept failing at keeping Clark at a distance.
He sighed at his cousin, wondering who would eventually give in. "But why Clark? What do you get from that? Also if things go to shit who is to say that I won't be killed instantly?" If he were that lucky. "Is this not enough?"
"I'm old enough to help this time, Matty. Old enough to try my absolute best to protect you if things go south with... Well, with your found family. I want you to remember that, because I mean it. I have contacts, I can help you, get you housed somewhere safe, get you out of whatever trouble you find yourself in." Clark wouldn't be able to get him out of everything, that he was sure of, but he'd do his damnedest to help if he could.
"I get my cousin, I get family. You were like a brother to me." He murmured, chewing on his lower lip as he looked over the other. "Without you, my parents are the only family I have left. And they're great, they are, but it's different with cousins, you know? Didn't you think so?"
Flynn honestly couldn't imagine going through what Clark had. Being fried from the force was a nightmares Flynn had on several occasions. Being a police officer -- a detective, working towards specializing in helping children -- was all he wanted to do. And if Clark felt an ounce of what Flynn had for the job, he knew that it was mostly likely devastating for him to lose it.
He didn't dare tell Clark that technically, his desk wasn't his anymore. It was Kian's. And his things were no longer present on said desk. Now wasn't the time for that. And then, Clark seemed to claim that Flynn was his partner and no one elses. He chose to not comment on it. "I'm sorry." Flynn muttered. "I... I'm sorry there wasn't anything I could do about what happened. I wish things were different too, but..." He let out a sigh. "We can't control it."
"I do mean it. I wouldn't have said it otherwise." He pulled his hand back into his own lap. "And... I think you're too hard on yourself, sometimes. I still trust you, even after what happened." Yes, Flynn had been harmed and Clark left him, but he still believed that Clark would have his back, no matter what. "I won't bring it up again, okay? We'll just... we should just not talk about work, all together."
"Flynn that's not... I want you to be able to talk to me, about anything. Including work. I think it'll help you to be able to talk to someone who understands it and isn't the chief of police and family. I'll get over it, I will. It's just an adjustment is all." Clark replied, trying to calm himself down for Flynn's sake as well as his own. "You don't need to apologise to me either. I hurt you. There was nothing that you could've done to help me in that situation, I had already been given enough warnings for other things so it was the last straw. I mean, it was a pretty big last straw at that."
His knee almost felt cold as the other took his touch away, glancing towards him with a smile. "I'm glad that you do. I know I just, it's difficult. Maybe I'll forgive myself eventually but I'll never forget it. Learn from it. Never leave anyone alone to be hurt like that again."
"I didn't exactly have people telling me anything of the sorts when I was younger, Clark." Flynn found himself snapping at his old partner. As if Clark knew the extent of what Flynn had went through. He had mentioned snippets of it but... No one truly knew just how bad it had been. He then let out a sigh and lifted his hands to his face. "That's... great." Because what else was he supposed to say to that? "Agree to disagree, then."
Embarrassment flooded through his body, causing his cheeks to flare with heat. He hadn't even been prepared for the kiss, let alone expecting it. There was no way that it had been good. Clark was just... being nice. "I froze. I barely gave you anything." Flynn's voice was flat as he dropped his hands. "I'm not well versed in any of that... language. Labels." Flynn admitted. Which meant, he had no idea what demisexual meant. "But we've just been friends. You've never... we've never even talked about any of this before." And Flynn never thought that Clark would admit to be attracted to him. Ever. In his fucking life.
"What does this mean, then?" This kiss. This confession. This... them. Fuck, Flynn needed a drink.
Flynn snapped and it surprised the man, furrowing his brow slightly, "Flynn I didn't mean anything by it. I didn't mean to belittle anything that you went through as a kid. But you should be proud of who you are now. You're an amazing man, an even better detective. But yes, we can agree to disagree, I don't mean to upset you." He spoke softly, trying to be reassuring and hoping that it was working.
"Oh uh, it means that I need to have an emotional connection with someone before I develop feelings for them. I'm not someone who can just have that raw attraction and act on it. I mean, I'm sure I could but I don't wish to. It's not something that interests me." Clark explained, hoping that he did it justice. He barely knew himself, honestly, but that's the term he had settled on to describe himself. "Because we were partners. I felt like I couldn't and then... Well, it just wasn't the right time when I was no longer your partner for a while either."
What does this mean? What did it mean, he had no idea honestly. "Flynn, it can mean whatever you want it to mean or it can mean nothing. I don't wish to push anything on you. We can just get to know one another again. If it goes somewhere, great. If it doesn't, then we've rebuilt a friendship at least and both have someone to lean on."
BEN BARNES — for InStyle (May 2023)
I guess it goes to show, does it not? // That we've no idea what we've got until we lose it // And no amount of love will keep it around // If we don't choose it //
Take Me Back to Eden Edits (3/?)
taylor swift lyrics, ttpd: the anthology edition, part one
the black dog
▸ i am someone who, until recent events, you shared your secrets with. ▸ your location, you forgot to turn it off. ▸ i just don't understand how you don't miss me. ▸ old habits die screaming. ▸ i move through the world with the heartbroken. ▸ i may never open up the way i did for you. ▸ do you hate me? was it hazing? ▸ now i want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes and hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons even if i die screaming. ▸ i hope it's shitty.
imgonnagetyouback
▸ you did your research, you knew the price going in. ▸ i can tell when somebody still wants me. come clean. ▸ i'm gonna get you back. ▸ you'll find that you were never not mine. ▸ i can take the upper hand and touch your body, flip the script and leave you like a dumb house party. ▸ whether i'm gonna flip you off or pull you into a closet, i haven't decided yet. ▸ even if it's handcuffed, i'm leaving here with you. ▸ i hate you but i love you just the same. ▸ pick your poison. i'm poison either way.
the albatross
▸ cross your thoughtless heart. ▸ one bad seed kills the garden. ▸ they tried to warn you about me. ▸ devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger. ▸ you're in terrible danger. ▸ i've been there too and none of it matters. ▸ i was sleeping soundly when they dragged me from my bed. ▸ the devil that you know looks now more like an angel. ▸ i'm the life you chose and all this terrible danger.
chloe or sam or sophia or marcus
▸ i loved you the way that you were. ▸ you needed me but you needed drugs more and i couldn't watch it happen. ▸ i changed into goddesses, villains and fools, changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules all to outrun my desertion of you. ▸ cooler in theory but not if you force it to be. ▸ will i always wonder?
how did it end?
▸ come one, come all. it's happening again. ▸ i'll tell no one except all of my friends. ▸ how did it end? ▸ lost the game of chance, what are the chances? ▸ guess who we ran into at the shops. ▸ didn't you hear they called it all off? ▸ my beloved ghost and me, sitting in a tree, d-y-i-n-g. ▸ i can't pretend like i understand.
so high school
▸ i feel so high school every time i look at you. ▸ tell me about the first time you saw me. ▸ your friends are around so be quiet. ▸ are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? ▸ no one's ever had me, not like you. ▸ touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto. ▸ you knew what you wanted and you got me. ▸ i'm hearing voices, like a madman.
i hate it here
▸ quick, quick. tell me something awful. ▸ tell me all your secrets. ▸ all you'll ever be is my eternal consolation prize. ▸ i don't believe in good luck now that i know what's what. ▸ i'm there most of the year 'cause i hate it here. ▸ nostalgia is a mind's trick. ▸ i'm lonely but i'm good. ▸ i'm bitter but i swear i'm fine. ▸ this place made me feel worthless.
thank you aimee
▸ all that time you were throwing punches, i was building something. ▸ i can't forgive the way you made me feel but i can't forget the way you made me heal. ▸ it wasn't a fair fight or a clean kill. ▸ i built a legacy that you can't undo. ▸ there wouldn't be this, if there hadn't been you. ▸ maybe you've reframed it and in your mind you never beat my spirit black and blue. ▸ i don't think you've changed much.
"...Why did they fire you?" Mathias' experience with law enforcement was not a good one. They had taken him away, locked him up, and turned him into a monster. He could still remember seeing their press conference when he was given the guilty verdict. The way they tried to make it seem like it was a tragedy, and that he was beyond saving.
He hated how easily Clark was getting under his skin. His words were nice and they sounded genuine, and the feeling of family was starting to bloom. Mathias almost wished Clark just never found him in the first place. Did his cousin deserve to know? Was it worth it? Would it ease any fears or perhaps quell the thought of a relationship between them? Mathias sighed and looked around briefly, before getting closer to Clark.
He put his arm around his cousin, mimicking a hug. The personal space and touch made his skin crawl, but Mathias was working through it. "I imagine you know who the Syndicate are. That's who owns me". He moved back from Clark, fixing his shirt and sighing. "My loyalty to them as a whole isn't solid. To be honest I could care less about them, but there is one man there that I am loyal to. So by default, I'll do whatever they need me to do".
"I mean, a whole laundry list of reasons but the final straw was that I got another cop hurt. Left them to pursue a personal case instead of going with them to what we were meant to be investigating. Things turned bad, they got hurt. Completely my own dumb fault, as was the laundry list." Clark answered, careful not to give too much detail to Mathias. He didn't want to give his cousin a list of potential people that Clark deemed himself to be close to, not when he knew what he was truly capable of.
The surprise was obvious in the way he stiffened up at first, before relaxing slightly into the hug and wrapping his arms back around his cousin in return. His eyes were wide when Mathias pulled away, but he knew he couldn't say much, not here out in the open. "Nobody owns you, Mathias." Was all Clark said, doing his best to regather his composure. "And that one would be the person whose surname you use now. Is he... Is he like family, or is it something more than that?"
Spotify sentence starter meme - @intxication - be kind by halsey & marshmello
"I know you need the upper hand even when we aren't fighting, Mathias, and it's because in the past you had to prepare every time to get that with literally anyone else. But I already told you that I'm right here, I'm staying, and I don't know why you hide from the one that knows you instead of letting yourself relax. I know it's hard for you, but it's not fair on either of us. Just let it be. Let us be family again." Clark didn't think he would ever stop trying to convince Matty that he didn't have ill intentions, that he wasn't going to hand him in. The only way he'd ever turn on his cousin is if Mathias forced his hand himself, and left him with no choice. "I'm not asking for weekly dinners or whatever the hell else, not unless you want them. Wouldn't it just be enough to know we have someone to turn to if all else goes to shit? That's what family is meant to be.
"Just because I have a new partner doesn't mean what we had is gone." Flynn insisted as he lowered himself onto couch next to Clark. "You were a good partner. A great partner, even." Until that day. "And me having someone else by my side at work doesn't take away from that." He glanced towards the other's hand, unsure if he should reach out and touch him. To try to... comfort him, in a way. "We are still friends. We still had great times together." Flynn placed his hand on the other's knee, instead. It was less intimate, in his mind, than grabbing Clark's hand. "At least now, we can be proper friends, yeah? Hang out and not have to worry about work. We can learn how to be our normal selves around one another." Although, Flynn wasn't sure what that was for himself.
"It's not that. I mean, it is that, but it's not just that." He replied quietly, shaking his head at himself. "It's just that whilst you didn't have a partner it felt like... it felt like my job was still there. That I could earn it back. I could try and make amends with the Chief or whoever in the hell I needed to make amends with, undergo some training and probably mandated therapy and come back." It was unrealistic, it would never have happened, not after he put an officer in the line of duty in harms way. "But now someone else will be there, sitting at my desk, touching my things, working my cases with my damn partner." Clark knew that it had been a long time, someone was probably doing most of those things already but it just felt different now. He hadn't realised how much he had been holding onto the hope of figuring out how to get back to it one day.
The hand on his knee brought him back down to reality as he managed a sad smile in Flynn's direction, "If you really mean that, I would honestly love that. I know that it would be impossible for me to be a cop again, above everything else no one would have that trust in me. It brought back some feelings I had thought I had dealt with, that's all."
