LMFAO I’M AT WORK & I’M LITERALLY HOLDING MY NOSE SHUT SO I DON’T LAUGH TOO LOUD OMG
IM SORRY BUT IM REBLOGGING THIS AGAIN BC IM WHEEZING IVE WATCHED THIS LIKE 5 TIMES IN A ROW AND IT NEVER GETS OLD
LMFAO I’M AT WORK & I’M LITERALLY HOLDING MY NOSE SHUT SO I DON’T LAUGH TOO LOUD OMG
IM SORRY BUT IM REBLOGGING THIS AGAIN BC IM WHEEZING IVE WATCHED THIS LIKE 5 TIMES IN A ROW AND IT NEVER GETS OLD
labradoodles are nice and all but combining the food obsession of a lab with the intelligence of a poodle creates the ultimate stealth unit whose sole mission in life is to get into the pantry and Eliminate All Bread
I’m detecting multiple stories behind this post
Beatrix Potter
me waking up at 4am w/ no idea where i am and an overwhelming urge to go find cold water
me at 1 pm: borderline comatose, eyes need to be propped open, behaviorally indistinguishable from lichen
me at 1 am: planning an expedition to neptune, listening to three songs at once, blood has become liquid copper
if something makes you go ’!!!!’ inside it’s worth keeping around
Hey, who else out there is STILL pissed that they killed Darwin in X-Men First Class
the year is 2039. i step outside my tenement in order to catch the TeslaBus shuttle that ferries me to my Amazon fulfillment center job. the chip in my hand beeps, reminding me to drink my SkinnyGurlLivin™ meal shake before the window for optimal nutrient absorption passes. it tastes like astroturf but i can feel my bowels rioting in response, so i know it must be working to help me be my best self. on my way to the shuttle stop ten blocks away i pass twelve holo-adverts of fast food gijinka mascots. the Burger King hologram has hamburger buns for breasts and attempts to seduce me, flashing her panties and following me for a full block until her holo-tether reaches the end of its broadcasting field and she blinks out of existence. “dude, you know you crave those burgs like i crave the sweet release of death, asdfghkld” are her last words. i dont know how she said a keysmash out loud. when she disappears i am briefly saddened by the abrupt feeling that once again, i am alone. her brightly colored buxom form may have been nothing but an illusion, but it was the only humanoid interaction i have had this morning. the heel of my vegan leather boot suddenly catches on a sidewalk crack and peels off from the sole. i sigh. that’s the third pair of boots i’ve had to buy this month. now limping awkwardly, i pull out my AmazonPhone Ozymandias and place another order for boots. finally i am at the TeslaBus stop. twenty five of us huddle under the heat lamp for warmth. the sides of the shelter are screens broadcasting advertisements for the new PowyrWomyn Labial Lipstick. “nothing makes me feel like i have rights more than applying Melon Pink to my nether region to make the boys go craaaaazy” the spokesmodel says. “men love empowered pussies.” the screen shifts to a newsreel and everyone at the shuttle stop immediately begins to zone out. “we’re very proud of the brave work our Freedom Drones are doing out on the battlefield. support your robo-troops today.” i can’t remember what battlefield the newsman is referring to. there are so many wars right now, it’s hard to keep track. after an hour, the TeslaBus finally arrives. this is actually pretty good time. usually it’s two hours. we all scramble to get onto the shuttle, pushing and shoving and clawing at each other. the Amazon Center only has so many available jobs per day, so we have to literally battle each other for the right to work there. with minimal damage (only a bloody nose and a small bite on my forearm) i manage to secure a seat near the front of the TeslaBus. an older woman eyes me, and i bare my teeth and hiss at her to signify that i am young, virile, and will defend my prime seat to the death. she drops her gaze. satisfied, i carefully crack open the tiny strongbox that houses my Model XVII AirPods. each one is the size and shape of a grain of rice. the audio quality is terrible, but it’s a long commute, and if i am unable to drown out the moans and groans of my fellow prospective Amazon workers, i may succumb to Shuttle Fever and attempt to throw myself out a window.
Treat spiders the way you want to be treated
Killed without hesitation
Damn, save some for the rest of us
This is like the opposite of that dude sliding down a snowy hill with classical music
unstoppable force vs immovable object
starcrossed lovers
a challenger approaches:
these men represent 3 different facets of the physiology of human beings
gas station dude: raw physical power
classical music guy sliding down a snowy hill without skis: polished intellect
scooter man: unstoppable libido
the holy trinity
Due to personal reasons I’ll be going feral
the best pokemon professor is elm 100% he gets robbed by a 10 year old and his instinct isnt call the cops at first its call another 10 year old
to catch a horse you gotta think like a horse
Whatever man *goblinizes*
