goodbye, and thank you rookies ♡

feel something.

JISOO.

home is the place where rose can be herself. void of any judgment or criticism, she needn’t hide behind a facade either. keeping up appearances at royal and seocho was tiresome, putting on a brave face in times of exhaustion or complete, utter sadness or anger. there was a knack to it, for sure. but rose was just grateful to be home, within the confines of the apartment she shared with her best friends. this was her safe place. rose manages a smile for jisoo. she was right. “maybe that’s just the magic of home?” rose suggests with a small shrug. finding a place to call home, in a foreign country hadn’t come easy for rose. in the past, she had called many places and many people home, but this place seemed to be her only constant.

rose’s curiosity is piqued, and rose can’t help but follow jisoo into the kitchen, a good few paces behind her. she’s starting to feel somewhat normal again. gone is the dizzy feeling in her head and that overwhelming sense of dread knowing that tomorrow inevitably must come. it’s nice to just be in jisoo’s company. the older female had a very calming, graceful aura that left rose feeling at ease, which helped ease the awfulness that was the day gone by.

“well, there has to be a first time for everything.” rose chimes, folding her arms across her chest before she leans onto the top of the kitchen counter. she watches jisoo intently. cooking. even that felt like a rarity these days. it was something rose missed doing, something she wouldn’t take for granted. it was so much easier to just eat at the cafe within royal. she treasured the nights chris cooked her dinner, or the nights she managed to get in the kitchen and get her hands messy for once. rose chuckles before holding up her hand, wiggling her pinky in the air. “okay, i promise.” she chimes. “i also promise to hold you accountable if i get food poisoning from this!” 

— girl talk.

LISA.

in that moment, rose’s heart feels heavy. a part of her wanted to talk to lisa about all this, to truly open up and get everything off of her chest. just as she had with chris, jisoo and yoojung. but a part of her couldn’t bring herself to do it, to be vulnerable with lisa. deep. it never really was their thing, even despite being so close for so many years. rose’s unhappiness felt safest tucked away from the world where no one could see it. she had done it before, surely she could do it again? it could also be fear that loomed over the head, the thought of lisa being mad at her or telling her she was ungrateful. but she knew lisa. in her own way, she would be beyond supportive and also understanding. rose couldn’t shake her reason for keeping the secret, but she had bared it now.

she hates that her loyalties lie with royal. if she had of been more brave, perhaps she could of been in the midst of a debut project at sphere. maybe if she was more gutsy, she could throw all of this away and pursue music in her image, the way she wanted to. the way she never would be able to if she followed this path. that was something she had come to terms with, accepted some while ago. it surprises her. she didn't anticipate feeling so restless, though. “we can only hope, i guess.” rose says with a sigh, looking down at her hands. it had been two years since luxe made their debut, long anticipated. rose thinks back to royal survival for a moment.

“it doesn’t make it easy either, seeing our friends come and go.” rose says softly, thinking about the likes of yoojung and yuzu who had sought out greener pastures elsewhere, at sphere. she couldn’t blame them. she was jealous of their ability to do that. “who knows, by the time we get the chance to debut, none of us . . . the actual second gen, are gonna be here to see it happen.” she sighs, looking across to lisa, pausing for a moment, collecting her thoughts. “did you ever think about auditioning for sphere’s debut project?” 

wait a minute.

KANGJOON.

“you’re so right. i’ll try my luck with jaehyun next time.” she murmurs, tucking her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. she thinks back to her cameo in dream knight and the overwhelming embarassment that came with that one episode she appeared on, and the latter secondhand embarassment she felt for de:code. “and i know, right? i need mouthwash. it doesn’t sound right coming from me.” rose says through gritted teeth. she could thank her abroad upbringing and the discomfort that came with certain honorifics. rose had always called her friends and boyfriends by their names. honorifics to her were just foreign, but she had to use them at some point.

might as well be to poke fun at her friend.

“not much is going on for us girls.” rose admits candidly, biting her lip. she shrugs awkwardly. “it’s just practice and evaluations at the moment, sadly.” she says with a sigh. there wasn’t much she could do. all she could do was endure her day to day and hope that something would come of their situation. rose is taken back by kangjoon’s response to her question. she thought he would of been happy, but she gets vibes from him that don’t seem entirely positive. he seems a little out of it. rose purses her lips, looking up towards him with a puzzled look on her face. 

“i’m sorry to hear that.” rose murmurs. she doesn’t know why she envisioned him to be happy, content with his current position. maybe he really was. but wasn’t that the ultimate goal? the big debut. the dream actually coming true. maybe it was naive of her to make such an assumption. but she too was unhappy. “but you’ll get there. i know you will. it takes time, it all takes time but it’ll be worth it in the long run.” she says in an attempt to comfort him. “you’re destined to be a lot more than a rookie, joon. i know it.”

— as i am

rose can only just begin to imagine what’s running through lisa’s head regarding this evaluation. she knew that she wasn’t a fan of vocal heavy evaluations. to lisa, they were probably the devil. but rose got that, understood it. lisa was a capable dancer, and she could rap. why should she waste her talents on something she didn’t feel confident in? regardless, rose put her faith into lisa for this evaluation. she knew that she would somehow manage to do an amazing job. all she had to do was not overthink it. and rose knew that she would be going into this evaluation as her best self, performing honestly, given the rare opportunity to sing for once ( which really does feel like a rarity these days ).

she smiles. gosh. a holiday, a real holiday sounded so nice. somewhere far away, with good food and a new, vibrant culture to get lost in. the temptation to go somewhere that wasn’t australia on her holidays at the end of this year were real. the question was whether she got to come back to royal after they finished. rose thinks about her own wardrobe. she has a few sets of swimwear she could probably drag out from the back of her wardrobe. “i’m just gonna pretend that we’ve won it. winner’s mindset. that’s a thing, right?”

“i wonder if there’s any recommended places we eat at, or at least visit.” rose murmurs, pulling out her phone and bringing up google. “ah, busan. for a whole weekend. i would love to go there away from the company someday, if . . . y’know . . . a girls trip would be nice. me, you and jisoo. to the beach and beyond~”

evaluation day couldn’t come quick enough for rose. the month of september had gone by in a flash, and looking back, rose actually found herself feeling somewhat sad. working with jibeom and bella had been wonderful. the two, although she hadn’t met them before nor really gotten to know them, had been easy to work with, cooperative; both threw great ideas forward when it came to working on this evaluation. and for that, rose was grateful. it made bringing this whole thing together that bit easier. so it’s a little bittersweet when they all step into the studio together for their evaluation, gathering in the center of the room. rose manages a soft thank you and a good luck before they give their bows and introductions to their coaches and superiors. 

rose doesn’t opt to wear anything flashy or showy for this evaluation, instead she opts for an all black silhouette; baggy cargo pants, a cropped long sleeve atop of a black sports bra and a pair of well worn combat boots. her pale silvery purple hair stands out against the sea of dark that is her outfit, so that works well in her favour. she thinks she ought to head back to the salon and see if they can get it back to blonde. rose takes a deep breath, shaking out her limbs as they prep for the beginning of their evaluation. she closes her eyes for a moment, as if to center herself. the intro of kill this love blasts through the speakers of the studio. game face, on. 

it was one thing after another with these evaluations these days. but at least, to rose’s relief, she was able to sing again. she certainly wouldn’t missing modelling. her immediate reaction upon hearing this month’s . . . theme was confusion. were they that out of ideas that they had to look to astrology? okay, so maybe rose wasn’t totally opposed to the idea, but it still felt a little out of place. besides, rose didn’t know anyone else with her star sign, so that made things a little more complicated. she’s introduced to two new people upon preparing for this evaluation, both from trc entertainment, a couple of years younger than rose in both experience and age. they’re jibeom and bella, and from first appearances, the two both seem nice enough, easy to get along with. rose is hopeful that they actually do end up getting along. it’ll make for a better evaluation.

the three of them manage to get together one day and start discussing possible songs for their evaluation. and to rose’s surprise, everything in thrown down on the table. at first, some research is needed, given the song is supposed to emulate the energy of one’s star sign. aquarius, as the group had read, were assertive and independent. also confident, wanting to be unapologetically themselves; it seemed easy enough, there were bound to be many songs fitting for that concept. rose honestly wasn’t phased by what the group chose. after all, she was just grateful to be able to sing again. after some discussion, the trio finally manage to come to a decision.

it’s nice to be back in the studio, learning a new routine with new people. although rose loathes her day to day routine normally, doing something out of the ordinary had been refreshing. and both jibeom and bella had been good to work with, not that she wanted to be surprised but it could be daunting working with new people, especially given rose’s current state and lack of internal mental motivation. together, the three of them learn the lyrics to the song and then the choreography, before merging it together into what one would hope to be a feasible, enjoyable performance. rose is hopeful, as she always is. after all, her optimism was at it’s peak when she got the opportunity to perform. 

feel something.

JISOO.

amidst her moping, stumbling into the apartment and collapsing onto the nearest somewhat flat and comfortable surface, rose hadn’t noticed the older female sitting in their lounge room. jisoo looks comfortable, relaxed; far from rose’s current state of exhaustion. she awkwardly shakes her head. “nope, far from.” rose murmurs. she manages to push herself up into a sitting position, brushing stray strands of hair back from her face. she then loosens the tight ponytail atop of her head, once lilac toned hair, now silver, falls around rose’s face. she manages a sigh.

“just one of those days, i guess.” rose says with a shrug, fiddling with hair tie around her wrist. she glances across to jisoo and gives the older female a smile. “it’s okay though, i’m home now. all is well.” she wasn’t lying though. she felt an instant sense of calm wash over her the moment she stepped through their front door. even if she had stumbled down the hall and fallen flat on her face, home was the one place that hadn’t changed in some while for her. it hadn’t had to.

rose scratches her head, figuratively. she wasn’t sure. she had eaten today at some point but it probably wasn’t half as appetizing as one would hope. she looks around awkwardly, biting her lip. “i won’t say no to that if you’re offering,” rose chimes softly. she didn’t want to inconvenience jisoo though. but how could she say no? “salmon, hey? it’ll be great, i’m sure. i put my trust in you.” rose gives the older female a little clap. she wonders if she could stand long enough to actually help jisoo with dinner, considering she would be the one eating part of it.

— girl talk.

LISA.

lisa was right. the both of them had joined royal at the same time, through the same competition. that december felt so long ago, yet also like yesterday at the same time; and four years felt like an eternity yet nothing also. how had they delved so deep into this world yet barely scraped the surface? rose wonders who she would be if not for royal. where would she of gone and just what would she of become? would she of eventually found her way back to the shores of australia? it presents her with a lot of what ifs and maybes, questions she can’t answer. questions she isn’t sure she wants to answer, or at least confront right now.

rose watches lisa carefully, listening. her hands folded in her lap, she mindlessly fiddles with the bands of silver wrapped around her fingers. she gives the other a thin lipped smile, a curt nod. rose can’t say the same, she can’t feel the same. she didn’t have s-pop, and she sure as hell didn’t have fashion week. rose didn’t have anything at all tying her to royal other than that sense of loyalty, which plagued her head and kept her weighed down. it’s the reason rose kept herself from auditioning for sphere’s debut project. she could of hit that whole thing out of the park.

how about you? are you going to?

rose takes in a deep breath. she manages a shrug. “i don’t know, i really don’t.” she says with a sigh. she’s been going back and forth on all of the possibilities, all the outcomes for the entirety of the year. even after a heart to heart with her sister, rose still felt uneasy. “i keep going back and forth on the idea.” rose murmurs, pulling a plain silver ring off of her index finger, running her fingertips over the smooth metal. “i’ve spoken to . . . chris, alice and jisoo . . . gahyeon too,” she winces at the last name to leave her mouth. “i’m tired of being tired, y’know? tired of waiting.” she falls back against the back of the couch, slipping the ring back onto her finger. “we’re not getting any younger, either. unfortunately.” 

feel something.

rose’s feet feel heavy as she trudges up the hallway of her apartment complex, fumbling for her keycard that’s somewhere in her bag. her apartment feels like it’s a million miles away, even if it’s only a few floors up. it’s just been one of those days. one of those incredibly long, tiresome and beyond frustrating days. for the most part, when she was in a good headspace, rose enjoyed her training. it was bearable, sometimes even pleasant. she would go to seocho or royal, endure her lessons, practice her evaluations and over lunch she would converse with her friends and her fellow trainees. it was easy done, a routine almost. but today . . . everything just went wrong.

she miraculously makes it into the elevator, white knuckles on the railings as she braces herself for the few second ride up to their floor. rose dips out and shuffles down the hall, eager to discard her bags and fall face first into her bed or whatever soft surface she can find herself. without any hesitation, she unlocks the door of jisoo, lisa and her’s apartment and inside she goes, kicking off her sneakers before stumbling down the hall. she manages to kick the door to her bedroom open with her heel on the way, tossing her bag into the room as she b-lines for the living room.

and onto the couch she flops, face first. rose flails her limbs for a moment, but she’s relieved to be home. she feels like she’s been lying there for a good while. with much effort, rose manages to roll onto her side only to be greeted by her beloved housemate. “evening, jisoo.” she chimes, giving jisoo a little wave.

◸ memory lane

CHRIS.

rose watches her feet, swinging a little more. she shrugs, giving her boyfriend a thin-lipped smile. although she liked the idea that maybe royal were scheming, she didn’t like her chances. royal were too focused on luxe and de:code, among other trivial things, to give their trainees the time of day. “you’re right.” rose says with a nod, looking across to chris with a smile. “beats having to see you everyday.” she pokes her tongue out at him, swinging back and forth on the swing just that bit more. she’s torn between loving and hating the idea of being in the same company as chris. part of her knows she would adore having someone to talk about music with, someone to be creative with. that and just . . . seeing him more often, would be nice.

she raises her brows, surprised by chris’ answer. “oh, really?” rose asks, cocking her head to the idea. that was a first, or at least she thought it was. but rose knew that chris really wasn’t idol material. he had more potential to live out her dream. maybe he could do it for the both of them. he was right though, either way he was going to have to wait it out. all of the big companies had established boy groups, with no plans for new ones anytime soon. trc on the other hand could surprise everyone and drop teasers tomorrow or have everyone waiting another ten years. they weren’t predictable at all. “waiting a while is okay for me.” rose says with a smile, leaning against the cool metal chain. “don’t think i could bare not seeing your handsome face everyday.” 

rose sighs. her dream, right there, so far, far away from her. not even a possibility. she could go independent maybe if this royal thing didn’t work out, if this trainee life thing really wasn’t for her. rose flutters her eyelashes towards chris. “you maybe wanna . . . talk to sphere and get them to take me for a band?” she says in somewhat of a cute tone. “i won’t even sing! i’ll actually settle for a guitarist position. even bass or keyboard. or you know what, the bloody triangle.”