J.

hey man I found a piece of your soul stuck in the text messages of old friends you don’t speak to anymore. do you want it back

@amtrak-official

Don't forget with great speed and affordability

I never told my wife I had an ex-fiancee 

One thing I never told my wife is that I had a fiancee before her. It’s a long story, so buckle up.

It was the year after I graduated college. I was dating my girlfriend, Stephanie, for a couple years and things were getting serious. At the time, I had my roommate, Joey, but he was a Craigslist roommate. We didn’t know each other very well. If you asked me how I knew him aside from Craigslist, the answer is I didn’t. He wouldn’t even tell me where he grew up.

Now, no shit, on the day I was going to propose, tragedy struck. I adorned our apartment with candles and even set up a nice glass display with framed pictures of me and Steph on top. Before Steph came in, Joey walked in and tripped. He actually shattered the glass display and got some in his face. Steph came in a few minutes later as I was on the phone with 911. Fortunately, Steph is a nurse, so she was able to patch him up as the three of us went to the hospital together.

Joey would recover, but he had some issues with glass on his face. He needed some cotton gauze inside his eye, which fortunately the doctors were able to save.

Clearly, I put off my proposal for the time being, but Steph and I agreed to get married. Our engagement was hush hush. Steph’s hours were wonky so she took care of Joey when I wasn’t around. And I should’ve seen the red flags, but I ignored them. They’d hang out together with and without me. They’d be in Joey’s room and lock the door.

One day, I came home and all of Joey’s stuff was gone. He moved out. Steph wrote a note. The note said, “We fell in love and we’re leaving together. Don’t try to find us.”

I didn’t listen and I searched, but true to the note, I couldn’t find them. I’ll never know what happened.

Suffice to say,

if it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe

I’d have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

You wanna volunteer?

wait

yea that's funny

I'm trying to find the exact quote, but this is basically the guiding principle behind Baldesar Castiglione's Il Cortegiano (The Book of the Courtier). If you're looking to be the ideal 16th century Italian courtier you should definitely be dilettantemaxxing. Remember kids, if you're too good at something that means you're trying, and if people can tell you're trying, well that means you're lacking sprezzatura, and if you're lacking sprezzatura, well baby, you've got no grazia, and if you've got no grazia well no one is gonna want to hang out with you.

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

Acab because the people that made this meme thinks the cops should just kill someone like this

Cops having a chuckle because they’re too cowardly to take a beating in order to save a life. All cops are cowards.

I can’t stress this enough, the people agreeing with this meme think having a psychotic break should carry a death sentence.

So cops wanna be able to kill people but don’t want to risk their life to help people?

Ngl this is kinda hilarious

Makes sense. I mean, a passenger of a cruise line isn't called a sailor, right? Astronaut literally means "star sailor."

OP how could you not include the first paragraph of the article

Huge oversight on my part you're absolutely right

i came. i saw. i left early

not to give a man credit but shout out to killatrav for pursuing his celeb crush who turned out to be an unhinged mess at the time and sticking around anyway to be her hype man

taylor: the fucking sky is falling and im going to die right now

travis kelce rolling up with a friendship bracelet:

i can’t believe i fell for it

This was actually pretty clever

This is some next generation bullshit fuck me

I want you all to know that i hate everyone

I love it

@hellsite-hall-of-fame