jurassic park has a good philosophical message but unfortunately the only thing i ever take away from watching jurassic park is "god i wish i could go to jurassic park." like yeah it's a blatantly obvious don't create the torment nexus scenario, but this torment nexus has DINOSAURS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DREAM SMP you beautiful calamity I'm glad I got into you so you could teach me the value of platonic relationships and save my life so you could break my heart again and again. no really thank you. even after everything
Wait for me? I will.
guy who has chronic pain and fatigue: man why can't i do more stuff
guy who has chronic pain and fatigue: man i'm so tired today for some reason
happy 5 year anniversary of phil dying to That baby zombie in hardcore to all who observe x
one of the most important things, perhaps the most important thing I have learned in my life is that nice people can fuck each other up in monstrous ways. people can be bone deep kind and loving and self reflective and still lash out under pressure. people can be earnestly neighbourly and charitable and hospitable and generous and still find themselves in situations where they become selfish. people can be well meaning and easygoing and gregarious and hold deep seated opinions that turn them into vicious little bullies under the right conditions. nobody is just one thing, and nobody stays one way. every person is a kaleidoscope and they will surprise you. you will surprise yourself. it's not a warning and it's not a judgement and it's not an excuse, and it's certainly not a reason to stop trying or to stop trusting. it is just a fact.
I kinda lived half of 2023 (maybe more) like a drowning rat in a bucket but this year I'll live like a normal rat. outside of a bucket
Snapshots of simpler times..
Tina: yeah we get a watermelon but we don't get our girlfriends undying affection.
Matt: our girlfriend.... Wait what
Ella Purnell as Lucy MacLean Fallout (2024 - ) 1.03: The Head
I miss dsmp a lot
im like if a girl thought she was irredeemable despite never having done anything that should make her feel this way
Stardust (2007) Dir. Matthew Vaughn
because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
despite how much i despise wilbur soot, ghostbur’s story on the dsmp genuinely fucking haunts me.
ghostbur was doomed from the very start of his existence. he was created as the shadow of a man who ruined the lives of dozens. a man who’s descent into madness was the catalyst for so much pain. being made in the image of such a vile person, but genuinely wanting nothing more than to bring peace and laughter to a world filled with despair. he tried so hard to make reparations for the sins of his counterpart, but obviously no one was too keen on hearing him out. he wanted so desperately to reconnect with the people he loved with his whole being, but due to wilbur’s actions he was cast aside. his only true friend and confidant being a fucking sheep. all while his memory slowly deteriorates.
the icing on the shit cake that was ghostbur’s life is, of course, his death. he died trying to help bring tommy, the person he wanted to make right with the most, the peace he deserved. he wanted tommy to finally be free from the clutches dream had on him, and he died for it. he died for a plan that didn’t even work. he died for a plan that ended with tommy collecting even more heartache and trauma.
his fate is such a cruel one. he was left to rot in a purgatory that wasn’t even meant for him. he was never supposed to see that train station. that was supposed to be where wilbur was left to suffer, not him. he spend his short life just trying to make right for the world, and he never got that generosity back.
he sewed the seeds of peace, and yet he was the one who payed for the war.
what do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism. what do you mean my problems are still here
this is insanely bad for me
