Would you still see me?

If I told you I was gay …

Would you still see the daughter that used to stay up late with you watching black and white movies and listening to the music you grew up to?

If I told you I was gay …

Would you still see the sister that used to get into trouble with you while we snuck out of our rooms to play outside, laughing when we fell in the grass?

If I told you I was gay …

Would you see the friend that was there for you when you went through your first heartbreak and listened to you cry?

I want to tell you who I am, but Im scared you’ll end up forgetting who I am.

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Would I change?

A friend asked me the other day. “Would you change the fact that you’re gay if you could?”

My first reaction was how surprised I was that I never thought about it before. I mean being gay never felt like a choice to me, so the idea of being anything else didn’t really cross my mind. I thought about it and realised that yes my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t gay. I wouldn’t have to live a double life, I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m stuck behind a mask of hypocrisy. But easier isn’t always better. I know that if I wasn’t gay I wouldn’t be as in tune to people’s emotions, or accepting of diversity the way that I am. Knowing what its like to be someone that society rejects changes you as a person. You learn that words have the power to break people, and simple acts of kindness to those who don’t receive it can mean more than words can express. So no, for the sake of the person that I want to be, I wouldn’t change the fact that I’m gay.

Besides, women are so beautiful, why would I ever want to change?

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Is she?

This is what my mind does to me every time I see a girl I like. 

“I think she’s gay”

“Is she?”

“She smiled at me”

“Did she?”

“I’m gonna talk to her”

“Am I?”

“It’s meant to be”

“Is it?”

Then I go back to sipping my coffee while silently cursing my cowardice, and imagining all the conversations we could have had.

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Here’s to Us

Here’s to our gay little secrets, the ones that make our heart skip a beat.

The holding hands, the making plans, the little world thats our own.

Here’s to the safe havens, the quiet corners, the stolen moments.

The knowing nod from a stranger, the hidden smiles in return.

Here’s to the shy looks, the half smiles, the unspoken words.

The questioning gaze, the silent hope that they feel the same.

Here’s to the ones who live in silence, and are guided by fear.

The ones who want the world to know, but cant find their voice.

Here’s to a world that doesn’t judge love, but accepts it in all its forms.

Here’s to us.

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Musings of my Mind

In all the vastness of space and time, in all that ever was and all that will be, we are but a speck of dust in the glitter fest that is life. Everything is about perspectives, what people say doesn’t matter because at some point they won’t exist and neither will I, and in the grand scheme of things do I really believe that god or that higher power would care so much about who I love? Would that entity believe that love is wrong when there is so much war and destruction on this Earth? I believe that spirituality is about creating a better world than what you started with, filling it with something positive. Isn’t that exactly what love is?

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Believe in Me

I’ve been brought up to believe that faith is what guides a person, it’s what shields you from the world. Faith is what makes life bearable when everything else is tearing you apart. But what do you do when it’s faith that’s tearing you apart? How can I believe when faith tells me I’m an abomination? I can not change my sexuality any more than I can change my own skin, so how can I be judged and condemned and destined to eternal damnation because of it?

I want to believe in faith, but faith doesn’t believe in me.

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Chasing the Sun

I catch myself smiling a lot more, at times I don’t even know why, but I like it. I feel like my fear of accepting myself wasn’t as justified as I thought it would be. Yes, life is hard and no, I can never come out to the people I love. But just when I thought life was too much to handle, when the fear of accepting myself became too much to bare, I still find moments of brilliance. Its like waiting for warmth when the sun is lost behind the clouds yet suddenly in a glorious flash of light, I find it for a brief and wonderful moment. I’ve become addicted to that warmth and finally for the first time in my life, I’m chasing the sun.

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Stuck in Between

I think the worst part for me is not knowing what I want. It feels like I’m torn between two worlds. I’ve already accepted what I am, and I want to live a free life, but at the same time I’ve gotten so used to the person I pretended to be that its like losing a part of who I was and the safety that came with it. I could never go back, I know that much for sure, but I don’t know how to move forward either. 

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Someday, but not today

My family is gathered in the living room. And one of my cousins says “Did you hear about *insert name here*? they say she’s a lesbian”. Immediately the room fills with the sound of people voicing their disdain. “Lesbian? Thats disgusting!”, “How could they be so crazy?”, “Her parents didn’t raise her right”. I sit there a coward in the back too scared to speak out, too scared to say anything, like a child desperately seeking approval. But I tell myself “someday I’ll speak out, someday I’ll let them know what I am and defend what I believe in” …

Someday, but not today.

I walk into a cafe and I see a gorgeous woman, with a smile that makes me stop in place. She’s laughing with her head thrown back. I would give anything to approach her, to ask her if I could sit with her and take up just a bit of her time, because her laugh made my day. I’m too scared, “what if she isn’t into women? what if she’s disgusted or insulted by what I am?”. I tell myself “someday I’ll be strong enough to face my fears, to be confident in what I am and approach people I’m interested in” …

Someday, but not today.

A man walks by, and my friends all stare. Then almost in unison they comment on his looks. “He’s gorgeous!”, “did you see his eyes?”, “he looks like a model!”, they turn to me, the only quiet one and ask “isn’t he amazing?”. I smile and switch to my fake self, the one I force myself to be, not because I want to, but out of pure fear. “Yes, he is” I reply while staring at the woman next to him. I tell myself “someday I’ll be strong enough to tell them who I am, what I am. I’ll be honest with them and realise that if they cant accept me then they aren’t worth having as friends”. I tell myself, “someday I’ll respect myself enough and stop pretending” ..

Someday, but not today.

….

I just really want it to be someday.

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Where do I start?

Im not sure how this is supposed to work. I’ve spent most of my life living in denial. It’s not OK to talk about being gay in a muslim country, but I know I liked women even before I knew what that meant. I thought it was normal for a woman to be infatuated with another woman, that it was completely “normal” because I was just admiring her beauty. But it was always more than that for me, and part of me always knew. I had to pretend though, putting on a mask became effortless. I became so used to being what society wanted me to be that I ended up believing my own lie. “I didn’t really like women that way, I’m just appreciating her beauty”, years passed and I only got better at my adopted role but something changed when I turned 30. Something in me couldn’t maintain the facade any longer, it hurt too much. I hated myself for it, I was creating a cage for myself in hopes that I would fit in but even a gilded cage is still a cage, it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself, I couldn’t keep destroying my identity in hopes that others would mould a new one for me. Life doesn’t work like that.

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if u sing with me in the car , imma keep ya

From WeHeartIt