💔

Goodbye

I hugged and kissed her everyday and it still doesn’t feel like I did it enough

I wish I cuddled my mom more

Even more than I already did

She always loved my hugs

Just a peaceful loving hug

From mom to child

I miss that

I miss her

I miss her smell

She always smelled like flowers

I miss her so much

Everyday feels like a blur

My dad and I are just… so alone now

The house is so quiet

It’s so empty

So sad

We both miss her so much

Our pets miss her so much

We’re all just so lost without her

She was our guiding light… everything was everything BECAUSE she was here with us…

Why would god just take her away like this

She didn’t even know she was sick..

I didn’t either..

How could I ever keep my faith alive after this

All I did and do is pray fervently to him and this was the outcome

He took her away

God’s plan? God’s plan was to give her a disease? Or not prevent it?

What a cruel god

Cruel cruel cruel

You know

All I wanted in life was to spend the rest of it with my mom

I had passions and dreams and I fulfilled many of them

But I centered my world around my mom simply because we meshed well, we got along and culturally spending a huge chunk of my life with her would not have been an issue

It never was

We genuinely got along, with everything, for everything

We understood each other, shared so many similarities

Shared an understanding of how one another ticked

I never posted about her on SNS though because my whole life was surrounded by her! It was amazing and perfect and I am selfish and wanted to keep her perfection to myself

My mom was THE most incredible individual

Her aura and soul were something special, something extraordinary, out of this world

She had this fierceness that I’ve never seen in anyone I’ve met in my life

She had a mind that would make even the greats admire her

And now

She’s just gone

I didn’t even get a chance to speak to her one last time

She didn’t even know or understand what was happening

That’s what pains me, hurts me, KILLS me

Knowing that I couldn’t do anything to ease her pain and suffering throughout the disease

I tried so hard to make her comfortable while overseeing her care

But the disease just continually got worse

And American healthcare is horrible

I’ve also always been a conspiracy believer and I am absolutely certain there IS a cure to this disease, I’m just far too poor to even be considered

The government hides many things, because why would it matter to them if another human dies? She would just become another statistic, we all will eventually

Because humans are born and die everyday

My mom was special to ME and a main character in MY life, but not to the world

No one is a main character here, absolutely no one

No one is immune to the inevitability of death

No one can escape it unless there’s something hidden from us and there are evil beings out there that have found the fountain of youth or secret to longevity and immortality

Who knows right? We as simple peasants, as simple civilians would never be able to know such extravagant concepts because we simply are born, develop, work, live, survive and die

That is our cycle

Our very “normal” human cycle

My mom was an unlucky one and contracted a vile disgusting “untreatable and incurable disease”

And I had to bare witness to such a tragedy

My poor sweet mother

You didn’t deserve any of that, you didn’t deserve any of that pain or suffering

I made my biggest promise in that I would survive in your place, take care of our pets, our babies

And someday if I ever decide to have a child, or children

I’ll be sure to continue your legacy and show them your greatness

My journey hasn’t ended quite yet

But who knows again, I might suddenly die too

Anything can happen, anything can change

What a shit world we live in

Fuck everything

I don’t care how old I’ve become

My love for my mom will never wither, never die

I knew I would have to learn to live without her someday, but I didn’t think it had to be this soon

It just isn’t fair

I’m not some individual who can’t live on their own, or who can’t be independent

I’m an individual who just had an insurmountable, indescribable amount of love for their parent, who wanted to spend a huge chunk of their life with

That’s really all it was

I just really loved my mom

I never abandoned my relationships or other bonds because hers and ours were more special or anything either

She was just my priority because we just had so much in common

Even as I was developing my own personality and life apart from her, it always circled back because everything I did or wanted to do, related to her

Just seeing her when I woke up first thing in the morning, would always set the happy and positive mood for the day

I’d give her a hug and be on my way to prepare for whatever I had to do that day

She was the one I turned to when life was shitty, when people were shitty, even when we were Shitty to each other because of exhaustion from life, we always talked it out

I was blessed, and very privileged to have a mom like her, I genuinely was

Thing is, I’ve always tried to express that gratefulness properly

In the ways that I knew how

I just…. I can’t believe she’s gone

Even after all of this, it still hasn’t hit that she’s just gone

My brain still wakes up thinking I’ll see her smile and tell me good morning my child

My brain still won’t accept it because I’ve lived with her all my life, simply adjusting 31 years of bond and family and love, that’s not an easy task

It’s nigh impossible

I know that life will move on with or without me and her, that’s the way of things, no one is the main character in this world

Absolutely no one is free from harm, pain and death

It happens to everyone eventually. I just wasn’t ready to lose her yet because she was far too young

This is life and life is awful, horrible, disgusting

I’ll write about you a lot mom, it doesn’t end here for me

I’ll always love you and think about you, in my darkest times, and in my brightest happiest times

You’re my guardian angel now, and I’ll always protect you too

My soul died with yours, so I’m with you every step of the way

I’m happy I can still see you in my dreams and feel your spirit around me too

A beautiful comforting feeling

Thank you

She’s gone

Her body is gone

She has become the brightest angel in Heaven

The most beautiful and shining star

I know you’ll watch over me mommy

I promise I’ll do right by you

I’ll miss you and love you everyday for eternity and beyond

You will now be safe and comfortable in the place where you wanted to be when it was your time to go

I love you

I love you

I’ll always love you

See you later mommy

Tomorrow is the day I have to say my final “see you later” to my mom

And all that will be left are her ashes

Her soul is up in heaven, thriving in eternal peace

But I’m left behind broken hearted and dying because my most favorite person, my perfect momma is gone

Stolen from me

I’m not ready for tomorrow

I’m not ready to say that final ‘see you’

I’m not ready…

I’m sorry mommy…

I’ll miss and love you forever..

Everything reminds me of my mom

Everywhere I look in this house, I see her

I see her in her little kitchen that she designed herself and had made exactly the way she envisioned it. I see her cooking all of her favorite things and all of my favorite things, with a smile on her face, asking me what I want to eat tomorrow

I see her washing the dishes and getting ready to dry them with a faint smile on her face wondering where her dish gloves went so that she wouldn’t dry out her hands

I see her preparing her one coffee in the morning, waiting for me to wake up so she can prepare an iced coffee with less caffeine for me

I see her smiling and hear her saying ‘good morning my child’ in our native language and her unique adorable laughter at my bedhead

I hear her footsteps in the hallway, getting ready to feed our babies, our kitty and bird

I hear sniffle because of her seasonal allergies

I hear her iPad playing some news to hear what’s been going on in the world

I see her in the bathroom, washing her face, brushing her teeth and doing all of her personal hygiene and skincare routine

I hear her humming tunes that sound vaguely like the Japanese songs I would be playing the day before

I see her getting ready and asking me if I’ve written everything down for what we need at the grocery store

I still hear her

I still see her

I want to hold her and give her hugs

I want my mommy

It hurts so much

I want to die

I wish I didn’t have such extreme emotions

I feel like the universe is against me

I just miss her is all

I don’t want anything else

I don’t need help

This isn’t a cry for a help

I just want to grieve properly I just want her to know how much I love and miss her

I showed my affection to my mom everyday but it still didn’t feel enough

I just want to repay her for her unconditional love for me

I want to be a good child

I miss you mom I’m sorry..

Angry and grieving

Sad and grieving

Frustrated and grieving

I hate them all

I hate god

I curse god

I just really miss everything about her

She always made my days and life brighter

Even when I had horrible mental health days

She would ask me if I wanted to eat one of my favorite things and she would make it

No matter how old I got she always treated me with love as a child would receive

Never judging never hurting never criticizing

Always love

Even when we argued, it always ended with us communicating at some point and realizing points from both sides were valid

I miss those arguments too

I miss even her yelling and frustration with life and her family

Her family isn’t that nice either

No one from that family will ever find my blog because we don’t associate with one another in any regard but they’re just terrible people

They always disregarded my mom’s feelings and treated her like shit

That’s why my mom left them all

My mom and I were supposed to leave this place together once she got divorced

But it never happened

None of it did

She kept feeling guilty because my grandma is a bitch and a horrible person

Broken refugee

“Don’t divorce him! You’ll never find someone to love you like he did, because you’re useless. You’re an addict no one will be ever love you. I feel so bad for him, he treated you like a queen (no he fucking didn’t) and this is what you want? A divorce? I didn’t raise you like this (she didn’t fucking raise my mom at all)” and so much more

Psychological warfare in family

I hate them all

I hate the world, them and god

I can’t wait to leave I can’t wait to leave I can’t wait to leave

I’ll save your spirit at the very least mom

Just a little more of the waiting game and we can find our freedom

There’s really not enough words in the world or dictionary to truly express this pain I feel. The sudden loss of my mom truly hurts me because of just how close we were. Maybe it’s because I developed an unhealthy attachment and codependency on her. Maybe it’s because I was always too naive and refused to envision a world without her someday. But to that I say, so what? Isn’t that what a child does about their parent as we grow up? Especially if the relationship between parent and child is healthy and loving.

Of COURSE I don’t want to lose her, she’s my mom, the one that brought me into this world. Even if I didn’t ask to be born, I was privileged enough to have at least one caring and loving parent. Yet the one parent that I loved so fucking much and Vice versa was just… stolen from me. Her life was cut so short that neither of us had time to process or understand what was happening to her body due to the disease.

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is a vicious, and vile brain disease that is terminal. It leaves its victims in a horrible state and condition and it is maddening. I couldn’t do anything for my mommy when she got this. She didn’t have a fighting chance. Everything was literally, and I do mean literally, was stolen from her. And it just angers me that I couldn’t do anything but watch her decline and deteriorate in front of me. My mom was so smart too you know. Spoke multiple languages, was so witty and sharp, had intellect that would shock you, was an incredible cook, loved animals and me fiercely, had the BIGGEST heart and was so open minded…

No one but my closest best friend and sister truly understands the pain I feel. She was there every step of the way so she understands just how I’m spiraling from the loss, from the emptiness. Not even my own father or my mom’s husband understands. They had already been in a roommate situation for nearly a decade. But now he decides to step for me? For us? Because he saw just how much her passing affected me?

Thanks but too little too late. All I wanted was my mom and I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. I was ready, emotionally, mentally and culturally to support her and live with her because 1 we got along so fucking well and 2 aside from being an amazing mother, she was just a joy to be around!

Now I can’t even hug or kiss her… I used to give her forehead kisses every night and she would always say, “Goodnight my child. See you tomorrow, I love you,” in our native language. All of these special moments, just stolen from me, I was Fucking robbed. I don’t care if people call me insane or crazy for grieving in this possibly unhealthy way but I miss her goddamnit. I miss my mom and her presence and her love. I miss our incredibly funny moments where we would just laugh our asses off about absolutely nothing and just be so content in one another’s company.

I miss waking up to the smell of her coffee and how she would just be there around me as I got ready for the day.

I am so fucking proud to be her child. So proud to be her one and only child and while I hated the world and life, she was the only one in my universe that made it worth living. Now she’s gone.

No one around me, absolutely no one understands that the day she died, the day I was by her side and heard her heart stop, that a huge part of me and my soul died along with her. The me everyone in my life knew is gone, all that’s left is a husk. A bitter, resentful, and broken soul.

I’ll write more about her in the future. It is cathartic and comforting.

I love you momma, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I keep repeating my promise to you like a mantra. We’ll get out of here someday.