Wow.

You should really listen to the WHOLE thing because this woman does not mince words

Seconded. Listen to ALL of it.

I think I’m going to think about this youtube comment forever

[ID: a youtube comment by @/KM-mw3jp saying "When I was in 7th and 8th grade we had a Sikh kid who would carry wet boba around in his pocket and throw them at people for insulting him, his religion, culture, or other kids. I asked him about it a couple years ago and he said it's cause his dad gave him some talk about how standing up for what's right is part of the religion. So for two years this boy carried an open plastic bag FULL of wet boba around to throw at bullies. If it was a minor insensitive comment or a first time offense it would be one boba. If it was a big thing or a reoccurring bully it could be a bunch. He even threw boba at our substitute teacher one day because she tried to punish us because one kid was talking by making all of us do pushups. He literally went "no that's not fair" and threw like four wet bobas at her.

Pretty sure his dad ecouraged that begavior too. And to be honest, it did deter a lot of bullying and name calling. /End ID]

Musings from Anna Fusco

PACING IS ABOUT LOAD BEARING WALLS.

*staples violently to my own forehead*

This is such good advice.

All I will add is: WRITE THOSE BREAKFAST SCENES if you want to, they can be absolutely critical in getting a handle on your characters. Or even on the setting. Write them all to fuck. Go hogwild.

Then cut them. They're for you, and for the characters. Not the readers.

Lo these many years ago, in an elevator at some convention or other, Larry Niven gave me some of the best writing advice ever:

"You can always burn it."

Go ahead and write that stuff. The breakfasts, the staring-into-empty-space scenes, whatever. Then pull them out of your work if they serve too little useful purpose. If you feel the need, shove such material into a separate folder to examine for possible usefulness later.

Even if you don't put it where other people can see it, no writing is ever wasted. Every sentence will teach you something. But if a passage or sequence doesn't help illuminate character, build the world, or advance the plot, get it the hell out of your narrative.

Your readers' time is precious. Do them the courtesy of not wasting it.

The above is true, but I will also add one more thing:

You will not please all readers all of the time.

Different people will have emphatically fucking different opinions about whether that breakfast scene was necessary, important, or worthwhile. Tolkien spends a lot of time describing the landscape and you can put people in a room and watch them have knock-down bloody fist fights about whether this is of immense literary value or whether this is why Lord of the Rings is unreadable.

They're both right. Objectively correct answers to that don't exist.

I have a friend who finds My Neighbour Totoro unwatchable. To them, the pacing of that movie is literal torture, and there was a point in our lives that they looked at me and went "can we please watch something else I would literally rather do my taxes." I am absolutely sure a bunch of people reading this just choked on something and want to go fight my friend. I think my friend is wrong. But also, my friend is 100% right.

I have personally had both someone bitch about the absolutely appallingly slow pacing in one of my stories and then other people cite the exact same scenes as their favourite thing in the world and the reason they reread constantly. And thank me for not rushing, for giving those details, for filling things in.

Both of those people are right, I just don't care to write with one of them in mind.

Context matters, too. To the person in the original thread, here and now, that 15 minutes describing Starbucks is agonizingly painful; a hundred years from now a historian might read or play that description to their colleagues or a historical fiction author might put exactly the same description in a novel and it will have people utterly fucking rapt.

Context is everything, and so is audience. What is "good" pacing will depend on your context and your audience.

This is a giant pain in the ass! Because it means that part of nailing down the skill of pacing is nailing down who your audience is, and whether you're reaching them, and how to find out from them if you're succeeding, and also if this is the audience you want to be writing for. If this is the writer you want to be.

But it means that's another reason to write that scene if you want to write that scene: because you literally won't know if it's a scene to keep until afterwards, anyway.

open and raw communication with your partner may be uncomfortable and feel so ugly and vulnerable but it solves soo many problems in the end

The idea that was sold to us of "love is effortless and you should communicate telepathically with your partner" is false. Love is awkward as hell. It's A LOT of straight up talking and realization of your self - your own needs. It's important to make those needs heard. Do not deny yourself full love

that idea robs us of so much intimacy, the intimacy that comes with honesty and vulnerability and being known.

Stop taking people with dementia to the cemetery

“Oh yeah, every time that dad forgets mom is dead, we head to the cemetery so he can see her gravestone.”

WHAT. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some version of this awful story. Stop taking people with dementia to the cemetery. Seriously. I cringe every single time someone tells me about their “plan” to remind a loved one that their loved one is dead.

I also hear this a lot: “I keep reminding mom that her sister is dead, and sometimes she recalls it once I’ve said it.” That’s still not a good thing. Why are we trying to force people to remember that their loved ones have passed away?

If your loved one with dementia has lost track of their timeline, and forgotten that a loved one is dead, don’t remind them. What’s the point of reintroducing that kind of pain? Here’s the thing: they will forget again, and they will ask again. You’re never, ever, ever, going to “convince” them of something permanently. 

Instead, do this:

“Dad, where do you think mom is?”

When he tells you the answer, repeat that answer to him and assert that it sounds correct. For example, if he says, “I think mom is at work,” say, “Yes, that sounds right, I think she must be at work.” If he says, “I think she passed away,” say, “Yes, she passed away.” 

People like the answer that they gave you. Also, it takes you off the hook to “come up with something” that satisfies them. Then, twenty minutes later, when they ask where mom is, repeat what they originally told you.

I support this sentiment. Repeatedly reminding someone with faulty memory that a loved one has died isn’t a kindness, it’s a cruelty. They have to relieve the loss every time, even if they don’t remember the grief 15 minutes later.

In other words, don’t try to impose your timeline on them in order to make yourself feel better. Correcting an afflicted dementia patient will not cure them. They won’t magically return to your ‘real world’. No matter how much you might want them to.

It’s a kindness of old age, forgetting. Life can be very painful. Don’t be the one ripping off the bandage every single time.

I used to work as a companion in a nursing home where one of the patients was CONVINCED I was her sister, who’d died 40 years earlier. And every time one of the nurses said “that’s not Janet, Janet is dead, Alice, remember?” Alice would start sobbing.

So finally one day Alice did the whole “JANET IS HERE” and this nurse rather nastily went “Janet is dead” and before it could go any further I said “excuse me??? How dare you say something so horrible to my sister?”

The nurse was pissed, because I was “feeding Alice’s delusions.” Alice didn’t have delusions. Alice had Alzheimer’s.

But I made sure it went into Alice’s chart that she responded positively to being allowed to believe I was Janet. And from that point forward, only my specific patient referred to me as “Nina” in front of Alice—everyone else called me Janet, and when Alice said my name wasn’t Nina I just said “oh, it’s a nickname, that’s all.” It kept her calm and happy and not sobbing every time she saw me.

It costs zero dollars (and maybe a little bit of fast thinking) to not be an asshole to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Be kind.

I wish I had heard this stuff when Grandma was still here.

I read once that you have to treat dementia patients more like it’s improv, like you have to take what they say and say to yourself “ok, and” and give them more of a story to occupy them and not just shut it down with something super harsh.

A nurse I used to work with always told us: “If a man with dementia is trying to get out of bed to go to work, don’t tell him he’s 90 and in a nursing home. Tell him it’s Sunday and he can stay in bed. If a woman with dementia is trying to stand because she wants to get her husband’s dinner out of the oven, don’t tell her he’s been dead for 20 years. Tell her you’ll do it for her and she can sit back down.”

Always remembered that, always did it. Nothing worse than hearing someone with memory loss ask the same question over and over again only to be met with: “We already told you!”

Just tell them again.

I’ve worked with elderly dementia patients, and I agree with all the above. Treat them as you’d like to be treated in the same situation.

Same. I’ve worked with patients like these and even my grandma was convinced for a day that I was my aunt. Just roll with it.

jokes aside i think it’s amazing and heartwarming to see like 4chan incel bros perform the miracle of crawling out of that hole and becoming real human beings and chronicling their journey to realizing that they can be well adjusted happy normal dudes

Where’s the post about the guy who turned his life around bc of his shrimp? Bc that’s very relevant here

This guy. This makes me so happy

this is what i was thinking about when i wrote this post

a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

… 8|

That’s some pretty good advice. I don’t know what’s left of my humor after ‘guess I’ll just die’ jokes but it’s worth a shot.

Personally i went from “guess I’ll die” jokes to “IF I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR 5 MORE MINUTES I PROMISE YOU I WILL BUY JUST, AN ARRAY OF CLOTHES.” and other wild hyperbolic stuff. Just replace the death part with something ridiculous and off topic. Its very entertaining

This also works with calling myself things like stupid, worthless, trash, etc. Even if you do this jokingly to yourself, your brain still believes it, and keeps up the cycle. Seriously, I found that when I stopped saying these things about myself, even jokingly, it made a massive difference.

Here’s a tip I picked up from a friend that’s helped me a lot — replace self deprecating jokes with ironically self aggrandizing jokes

Like every time I trip and fall, instead of saying “l’m just a disaster human” I say “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”

Or like, when I draw a picture I’m not 100% happy with, instead of saying “my art is trash” I say something like “you know I think it’s time we replaced the Mona Lisa”

When you do that you get to make a joke, but you’re ALSO getting practice building yourself up, y’know?

And eventually it becomes a reflex and you get so used to it that you can say nice stuff about yourself even when you AREN’T joking

This is so important

respecting women means respecting women you aren’t sexually attracted to

And just as importantly, respecting women you ARE sexually attracted to, but who are not attracted to you!

And finally, also respecting women you ARE sexually attracted to, but who are attracted to you, because their attraction doesn’t mean that they owe you anything, either.

list of things she did: 1. that

Good! Stop fucking pestering service workers! They don’t get paid enough to deal with your bullshit.

he got exactly what he fucking deserved

I’ve seen the original video. Not only did he honk his horn, he had modded his truck to have a TRAIN horn— so it was like a fucking train had pulled in when she opened the window (and at close range it absolutely is loud enough to do hearing damage). He has a whole video of him ‘pranking’ people with it. Absolutely got what he deserved.

Due to my anxiety problems and history of abuse, I am a very jumpy person.

When shit like this happens? I scream in terror involuntary. And I’m a VERY loud screamer. I wouldn’t throw a drink in his face, but he wouldn’t be rolling out of there with his eardrums intact.

This is the part that the wealthy hate about most people being satisfied with what they have.  If we strive for more then they can threaten us with it, but if we don’t care they have nothing to steal nor to threaten.

In case you ever feel badly about spending the money you work hard to earn.

I have a new essay up!!!! Cha boi got to talk about all the reasons why fanfic is awesome and worthwhile and beautiful, go check it out <3

listen. l i s t e n. LISTEN. *read this essay* Some highlights:

- “Respectable is the very last thing that fanfiction should ever be.” you’re RIGHT and you SHOULD say it

 - “It’s a door of the world flung wide open with a neon billboard saying, “Welcome to the infinite free buffet!” and there’s nothing but food as far as the eye can see—every possible kind of every possible quality. If there’s something you’ve been longing for years to eat, you can find it. You can, possibly for the first time in your life, not just be fed but be nourished.” Don’t mind me I shall be over here. CASUALLY W E E P I N G

 - “I have a collection of metaphors and arguments that I have amassed over the years to explain to a skeptical and patronizing boy why Fanfiction Is Cool Actually, but all of them do the genre a disservice to some degree.” THIS IS A WHOLE ASS FANDOM MOOD.  An Incomplete List of Metaphors i have used to describe fanfiction:     - a laboratory full of Smoke and Explosions and Excited Scientists    - like going back in time and telling stories around the campfire with no stakes except entertaining yourself     - Academia, but Feral     - the only viable way to have a conversation with media on any kind of equal footing

AND SPEAKING OF THAT:

 - “It is a sandbox, open for anyone to come in and play, and build castles, and kick other people’s castles down, and learn and grow as writers, as critics, as people. It is a living, breathing conversation with both itself and with the professional canon.” SO YOU SEE WHAT I’M SAYING.

AND ANOTHER THING WORTH NOTING: 

The longer I live, the more profic friends I have, and the more I have seen those profic friends come back to fandom, or come to fandom for the first time. And they come to realize how special fandom is. 

Fanfiction is nothing more or less than the distilled core of Why We Write: it is the freedom to explore ideas, and friends to explore them with. I don’t need respectability or a metaphor to justify that shit. 

countries where prostitution is legal have higher rates of human trafficking. that’s like an actual fact. not an opinion or anything. so tbh it seems a bit ‘swerfy’ to completely ignore that

speaking, uh, as a formerly-trafficked sex worker, it’s extremely difficult to come forward as a trafficking victim in countries where sex work is criminalized; you just… get criminalized under those same anti-prostitution laws. of course reported trafficking would increase when the sole fact of coming forward as a sex worker at all no longer endangers you.

This line of argument is the same one that you see with conservatives who point to the increase in divorce rates as proof that making divorce safer is endangering marriage, while ignoring the massive drops in domestic abuse, murder, and suicide.

It’s a shot argument with them, and it’s a shot argument here.

In WWI, when they introduced helmets, they saw a sudden spike in head injuries.

What the casual observer may miss was that they were seeing the increase because of a dramatic decrease in deaths from head wounds.

it’s always amazing to watch adults discover how much changes when they don’t treat their perspective as the default human experience.

example: it’s been well-documented for a long time that urban spaces are more dangerous for kids than they are for adults. but common wisdom has generally held that that’s just the way things are because kids are inherently vulnerable. and because policymakers keep operating under the assumption that there’s nothing that can be done about kids being less safe in cities because that’s just how kids are, the danger they face in public spaces like streets and parks has been used as an excuse for marginalizing and regulating them out of those spaces.

(by the same people who then complain about kids being inside playing video games, I’d imagine.)

thing is, there’s no real evidence to suggest that kids are inescapably less safe in urban spaces. the causality goes the other way: urban spaces are safer for adults because they are designed for adults, by adults, with an adult perspective and experience in mind.

the city of Oslo, Norway recently started a campaign to take a new perspective on urban planning. quite literally a new perspective: they started looking at the city from 95 centimeters off the ground - the height of the average three-year-old. one of the first things they found was that, from that height, there were a lot of hedges blocking the view of roads from sidewalks. in other words, adults could see traffic, but kids couldn’t.

pop quiz: what does not being able to see a car coming do to the safety of pedestrians? the city of Oslo was literally designed to make it more dangerous for kids to cross the street. and no one realized it until they took the laughably small but simultaneously really significant step of…lowering their eye level by a couple of feet.

so Oslo started trimming all its decorative roadside vegetation down. and what was the first result they saw? kids in Oslo are walking to school more, because it’s safer to do it now. and that, as it turns out, reduces traffic around schools, making it even safer to walk to school.

so yeah. this is the kind of important real-life impact all that silly social justice nonsense of recognizing adultism as a massive structural problem can have. stop ignoring 1/3 of the population when you’re deciding what the world should look like and the world gets better a little bit at a time.

Empathy and universal design are for more than just people with disabilities.

Also, I love this quote: “it’s always amazing to watch adults discover how much changes when they don’t treat their perspective as the default human experience.”

this is such a big mood and i hate it so much

This stupid exchange between friends has become a cultural icon.

This text thread brought us into a new age

The year is 1 ATP (After Then Perish)

The 17th of August, 2017 is the date that Then Perish was posted by Tumblr user Spooky-Grimwhoire. Friday will be exactly one year after the original posting of Then Perish. Mark your calendars.

I’m still here just different url the know your meme article is outdated and yes it’s on Friday

It is officially the 1 year anniversary kinda surreal tbh

It has been two years, man.

Two whole years

what’s tumblr user grimwhoires’ new url? i need to know

when i was a teenager it felt very revolutionary to be cruel to myself. like some kind of slow passive protest against how much everything hurt. i starved myself of sleep and food and tenderness because it felt right. it felt sharp and angry and radical and i wanted to be those things. adulthood is the realisation that the world is already working to cut into you well before you learn how to do it yourself. caring for yourself and others is the real protest

LISTEN.