I’m stupid and bi and it’s all u need to know about me

black cats are wonderful because you can stare into the void and not only does the void stare back, sometimes it trots up to you happily and begs for pats

the void is loud and wants chicken

phoenix wright: ace attorney (2001)

how about you people be quiet about despacito and big dick energy and eat a piece of fruit outside for once

op doesn’t have big dick energy alexa play despacito :(

Bob Ross gets it.

this is so fucking funny omg

at the club

me: hey are you drinking hennesey 

hot girls: what? me: cause you’re the only hens I see

hot girls: what? me slightly louder: cause you’re the only hens I see 

Some ppl say comedy is dead cause of “political correctness” but like john mulaney did an entire bit on captchas and bo burnham did an entire bit on not being able to fit ur hand inside a pringles can so really anything is possible as long as ur actually funny

how my cat looks at me when i ask if he wants treats

*leaves an empty spot next to my rare flowers and projects I’ve worked hard on*

The villager moving in:

Bug-free™ season is over and I am Afraid

My man Jesus

What story is that?

Matthew 18:9

“And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.”

“Jesus, how can I avoid sin when all these hussies keep revealing the fact that they have bodies?!”

“Hmmm, tough call bro. Have you tried gouging out your eyes so you don’t have to see all those bodies anymore?”

“wut”

“What?”

“Shouldn’t you tell them to… stop dressing like that or something?”

“Don’t see why. It’s not their fault that the fact that they have bodies makes you a fucking sinful horndog. Gotta fix that problem yourself, buddy. Go on, blind yourself.”

“Uh….”

“Or learn to keep it in your g’damn pants no matter what they’re wearing.”

He goes on for like several examples too.

“How can I avoid like, an accidental slip of the hand when…they’re dressin like that?”

“Cut it off.”

“wut”

“Cut it off. Your hand. If it’s a problem, stop having a hand.”

“wut”

“What”

“Did I fucking stutter?”