The universe be working in so many mysterious ways. Two months ago I attended a singles mixer for black professionals. A week later, I ran into the fine African man I met there during a night when my plans fell through. A week ago, he calls to ask me out, and on my way to the date, I get into a car accident. It didn't happen that night. Two nights ago, we finally hooked up. Literally and figuratively. We have more in common than I realized--He is a singer/songwriter who plays guitar, wants to learn drums, and is a techie. It's been tough trying not to think back on our evening together. It was magnetic from the start. I'm taking it as it is, as it comes, and as it goes. Having fun, letting it flow, encouraging growth. I feel secure with it because of how things have transpired. That is all :)

Up earlier than I have been all week, feeling somewhat rested, but having executive dysfunction. Not the time for it either because schools starts back today and I'm still behind. I had so much time to catch up and I blew it all going to shows and having fun. Because I'm 31 years old and that's all I want to do right now. Why did I decide to go back to school? Oh right, because it was the smart thing to do at the time. Here I am, fucking four years later, and I'm losing steam for this long-committed goal. It would be stupid to give up now. It would've been stupid to give up a year ago. It's stupid to do what I'm doing now which is ignoring it all, because it's not going to go away.

It's really exhausting, existing in this body. Having unresolved childhood traumas that have tainted my perception of the world. The world has a tainted perception of me because of my appearance. It's doing mental gymnastics reading someone's face when they see mine for the first time. It's choosing to ignore the dicey things that escape from people's lips. It's forgetting people who have hurt me first with their words, and then with their actions or lack thereof. It's choosing myself over your feelings because you will always choose yourself. It's giving apathy at this point. It's taxing on the mind. I'm taxed my whole life. I really wish I could stop everything.

The universe works in mysterious ways. Tonight I was planning on doing karaoke with a bunch of coworkers--had reserved a room and given at least a week's notice on our break room board--but everyone bailed. Everyone but one, though his reply came too late after I was already triggered by rejection and abandonment. And we wouldn't have met the room requirement anyway. So I canceled the reservation, left, and decided I wasn't going to waste the night on my couch, so I went to Ladies Night at Sahara Lounge, which I was already planning on attending but didn't realize I picked karaoke for the same day. I had a blast. I sang, I danced, I connected. I went outside for a break during a repeat song and spotted a familiar figure, one I just met last week at the singles event mixer. The one I was really interested in but didn't have enough time to talk to. I have been waiting for the host to send out a directory of attendees so I could find him, and then I run into him at a place that I attend every so often on a night when I had other plans. Is it fate? We chatted, exchanged body heat, he gave me his number and told me to text him tomorrow. He's so fine. I love his African accent. He was happy to reconnect and so am I.

Tonight I attended my first single's mixer/speed dating event. I didn't shower, but I retwisted some twists, reapplied deodorant, did my makeup, and put together a cute outfit. I didn't know what to expect as far as venue and turnout, but I was pleasantly surprised by both. I wasn't as nervous once I got inside and started talking to people. I get nervous when I'm standing around awkwardly. I connected with only a couple of guys, but was interested in a few. I hope at least one of the five will be interested in me, too. It's a numbers game. I couldn't help but start to compare myself as I looked around the room. So many beautiful black women, with perfect skin, neat and on point hair, and curves galore. I couldn't answer the question about what I'm most insecure about at the time, because I didn't realize it until later. It's not often I'm surrounded by my people, and when I am, I still feel like I don't fit in, like I don't measure up somehow. I'm sure it's not true, but that's how I start to feel until I bury it deep because it's rubbish. I didn't have anyone walking up to talk to me after the speed dating portion was over. Nobody gave me a rose--I was given a rose by default as the event coordinators cleared off the tables. Regardless, I had a good time mingling and talking to people. Got a free drink out of it, too.

This anger I have for all of the piss poor excuses, the lies that you make up to cover the addict inside, doesn't go away. It festers with every phone call I make that you don't answer. Or worse, when you do, but you can't talk because you're sleepy or eating. Every phone call I make, you can't make time to speak to me. To listen. How do you think this comes across? How this makes me feel? It's not often you think about how I feel. But you feel shame, guilt, for hiding your vices. It's easier to stay fucked up until you die than it is to grow. I don't want to believe that. If I were to call you and tell you I wanted to die, what would you say? You probably wouldn't even answer the phone.

Wrapping up 2023 with a lot of weed, Vanderpump Rules, at this current moment. It's the time to reflect on the previous months, what worked and what didn't. Where was I this time last year? I was in a nascent relationship with a super-nerd who was a little too similar to my previous long-term partner, and I was falling back into a pattern I was trying to steer from. But instead of remaining unhappy and keeping my feelings undisclosed, I confronted him after an obvious lack of effort was what he was bringing and ended it (though that happened early this year). Today I ended a romantic relationship that was serving similar energy, and have again recognized the pattern of settling for way less than I deserve, because I don't think I deserve much. I've come to realize that my upbringing has had a huge impact on my self-esteem because I've felt lonely most of my developing years. I need to remember I'm worth so much more than the basic level of effort. I deserve someone who is intelligent, curious, fun, worldly, handsome, fashionable, easy-going, creative, and financially established. I've gotta nip my procrastination in the bud because it's not helping me anymore, if it ever did. Be better about paying my debts before accumulating more. That's a given for every year. I don't even want to reflect on school because I know where I faltered and what I need to do to improve next semester, but I'm just so ready to be done with it. Nothing has changed with my family, nor how I feel about it.

Going into 2024, I want to pour into something real and reciprocal. i want to push myself to work twice as hard as I have been with school. I want to rebrand my business, become tax exempt, and write all the right shit off of my taxes. But I think I threw away my damn receipt from today and paid cash. Ugh. I want to be on track to tier up at work. I want to find new ways to move my body.

I stay vulnerable only to be fooled again. I repeat the same patterns hoping for a different result. I overanalyze to the point of sabotage. Best to stay to myself from here on out.

I love my dog but she is driving me insane because I can’t follow my own train of thought without her distracting me with her needs/wants. I can’t invest in any real thoughts or ideas that actually go anywhere because she is pawing at me or gesturing to something or barking for something. She’s not really misbehaving. She is just needy AF and I have no time for myself unless she is asleep. It’s been especially hard to meet her needs with 100 degree days being the norm now and I still have two jobs and my own needs. A restructuring is going to need to come soon.

She’s not even why I came here to vent. I need to get some things off of my mind, talk them out with myself. I’m such a people pleaser. It’s my default. I’ve been able to lessen it as I get older, but I still care to know what somebody else wants before I know how to answer what I want, and that’s not being secure in my divine feminine. I think I know what I want until I get it, and then I realize it’s actually not working for me. There comes a time when you make what you get work until it doesn’t work anymore instead of passing on it completely. Emotional security is important to me in any kind of relationship but especially a romantic one. I just wish I wasn’t still sad about somebody else being emotionally unavailable. I’m sad because of the connection we made. But maybe I’m the only one who feels the loss. And I feel it because of my childhood trauma, abandonment issues, insecure familial relationships, and witnessed physical and emotional abuse. I want everything to be okay even if I don’t get what I want, so I take whatever I can get. That’s my default. I have worked on letting go of what does not serve me, but I need to see it for myself after I’ve declared thus so. 

My anxious attachment tells me to hold on, but my rational/self-love mind says let it go. I get excited and swoon over the potential, over the future, over what could be. I forget to live in the present and build carefully. I’m certainly not ready for a serious relationship, but I am looking to build. I would rather a friendship that is reciprocal than nothing at all. 

Everything is a lot right now. I experienced my first partial flood in my home and am dealing with the aftermath of that, which has not been fun. It’s a huge inconvenience into my life and schedule. I suppose it could be worse. 

My car I purchased six months ago already has the check engine light on so I need to get it serviced this morning before work. Of course they don’t have loaner vehicles at the moment to lend me so I’m parking it working remotely today, meaning I had no time to spend with my Lib. 

I am so close to failing my math class near the end of the semester. I’ve got two tests left, one of which is due tonight. Thankfully it’s over material I actually understand so I don’t think I’ll do poorly. But I don’t want to withdraw after an entire semester of struggle. I need to see it through. 

I met somebody, who maaay be the perfect match for me. But of course the timing is shit because my plate is overloaded. He is a busy man himself but seems to want to wait for me, wait to see me, wants to see me whenever he can. I am ecstatic but still on guard because everything is great in the beginning. I should embrace this wanted attention. Things could develop. But I am still in the *observation* stage. 

I haven’t written ANYTHING for myself in a couple of weeks, which actually is more recent than it feels like. Before that was months. I have been doing okay with taking random days off this semester. I cannot wait to be on break from school. 

Another thing I need to consider is do I want to extend my internship even though I’ll be on break. Maybe I should take a break from that and come back when I start CNBT in the summer? I’m not sure. Billy has not come to me and asked if I want to stay or go yet. I don’t have another internship lined up because I feel I’m finally in a groove at Civilitude. I’m not ready to go, frankly, but I would like a break from everything all at once.