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@yacantusethisname-blog / yacantusethisname-blog.tumblr.com

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Con’t. 

I will probably never see my parents again. I don’t know why I could never feel them there. They’ve been dead since I was little & I’ve never felt any divine presence. Maybe I’m just not tuned into things like that. I’d like to be, but I’m not. Just another aspect of not being good enough. 

If there is a God he abandoned me long ago. I don’t know if there is one. I don’t think if there was a loving God he’d let people suffer the way they do. And don’t say it’s to grow. You shouldn’t have to hurt to prove a point. There shouldn’t be a need for “growth.” 

I used to get into these knock-down drag-out fights in my relationships. I’ve had knives held to my throat, been shot at, nearly hit by cars (in my car & in person), etc. I don’t know what gave me the will to get out of those situations. Survival instincts sure, but I don’t recall having that will to live. 

I’ve watched people slowly die & be laid to rest. And I think how envious I am of those people that it’s finally over. How I want that same kind of peace. There’s no use in fighting anymore. It’s over. I just have to get things in order, finish the fears business, & just let it all go. Finally.  

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Nobody reads these so it’s safe to post here I think. I could pull out the old pen & paper, but I’m here, so here it is. I have decided to kill myself. I just want to get that out. I don’t want a pity party or someone to say don’t do that. No one has cared for me for years, no use in starting at the conclusion of the story. I’m the type of person who has a very difficult time with decisions, but once they’re made, though I may stumble or waver occasionally, those decisions stand. 

There’s no one particular thing that led to this. I have known my whole life that it would come to this. But, of course, I tried to push it away. I distract myself with little dreams, all the while knowing in the back of my mind what they really are. My life is a big mess. There are some aspects of it that could be changed, I don’t deny that. It wouldn’t be easy, but it’s doable. I just don’t have the energy. It gets more difficult to get out of bed in the morning with each passing day. And what does it all matter anyway? There’s no way past death in the end. Life can be meaningful but only if it’s fulfilling in some way. Nothing brings me joy. I still love the people I love & am excited for their lives. But their lives & mine are very different, or so I hope, as I wouldn’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I don’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I never connect with people. I think my family was right about me. I wouldn’t be so quick to accept their negative assessment of me, but it’s been validated my entire life, by society, by peers. Look at my friends, few, & my relationships, one-sided. How could they have been wrong? They knew all along. So did I, I guess I was just in denial. They were right - I am stupid & unlovable. They were right, they win. 

In both of my main relationships I was told I didn’t know what love was. They’re right, I don’t. I’ve always wanted to know. I’ve tried to learn. But I never understand. Love is a special thing that I’m not privy to apparently. That’s the fundamental essence of being unlovable - you’ll never get to experience it, much less at an elevated level. They knew all along too. They were right, they win. 

I can’t get myself motivated & I hate myself for it. There’s so much to do. But my lazy ass just can’t snap out of it. Just be okay. Stop making everyone so uncomfortable. Just hurry up & do one or the other - be better or die. No one wants to hear it. Why can’t you just get it together?? It’s not that hard, everyone does it. But that’s what being worthless gets you - sorry I can’t win your approval. Nothing I ever say or do will ever be good enough. For anyone. 

I know myself better than anyone & it’s the right thing to do. It’s my destiny. My life always comes back to this point. No one will ever love me. It’s fact. It needs to be accepted. And I think I am. Things beyond my control that need my attention really require that it not take place until next year. They say once you have a plan, there is often relief. That’s what I am hoping. I have made the decision, the details still need to be worked out, but, I have a good idea about it. 

Honestly, it will be very hard to wait that long. I still have some of the old fears - what if I mess up, & I do normally fuck everything up, the afterlife, etc. But I’ve grappled with those for quite a while now. I believe I am coming to terms with them. I would like for there to be something beautiful, heaven/love, after this life. Nothingness can be beautiful too. The stillness, the silence. No more thirst, no more hunger, no more desire. No more hearing, seeing, worrying. I look forward to it in a way. 

I realize there’s a possibiity things could turn around in the next year, but the point is, I am no longer hopeful for it. It’s okay if it doesn’t. 

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cosmicvastness

Impact Site: Cassini’s Final Image

This monochrome view is the last image taken by the imaging cameras on NASA’s Cassini spacecraft. It looks toward the planet’s night side, lit by reflected light from the rings, and shows the location at which the spacecraft would enter the planet’s atmosphere hours later. This location – the site of Cassini’s atmospheric entry – was at this time on the night side of the planet, but would rotate into daylight by the time Cassini made its final dive into Saturn’s upper atmosphere, ending its remarkable 13-year exploration of Saturn. Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Space Science Institute

#space
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onlinecounsellingcollege

Understanding depression in a friend or family member

- Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.

- The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.

- Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.

- You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for his or her happiness (or lack thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

Signs that your friend or family member may be depressed

· He or she doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore.

· He or she is uncharacteristically sad, irritable, short-tempered, critical, or moody.

· He or she has lost interest in work, sex, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities.

· He or she talks about feeling “helpless” or “hopeless.”

· He or she expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life.

· He or she frequently complains of aches and pains such as headaches, stomach problems, and back pain.

· He or she complains of feeling tired and drained all the time.

· He or she has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities.

· He or she is either sleeping less than usual or oversleeping.

· He or she is eating either more or less than usual, and has recently gained or lost weight.

· He or she has become indecisive, forgetful, disorganized, and “out of it.”

· He or she is drinking more or abusing drugs, including prescription sleeping pills and painkillers.

How to talk to a loved one about depression

Sometimes it is hard to know what to say when speaking to a loved one about depression. You might fear that if you bring up your worries he or she will get angry, feel insulted, or ignore your concerns. You may be unsure what questions to ask or how to be supportive.

If you don’t know where to start, the following suggestions may help. But remember that being a compassionate listener is much more important than giving advice. Encourage the depressed person to talk about his or her feelings, and be willing to listen without judgment. And don’t expect a single conversation to be the end of it. Depressed people tend to withdraw from others and isolate themselves. You may need to express your concern and willingness to listen over and over again. Be gentle, yet persistent.

Ways to start the conversation:

· I have been feeling concerned about you lately.

· Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.

· I wanted to check in with you because you have seemed pretty down lately.

Questions you can ask:

· When did you begin feeling like this?

· Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

· How can I best support you right now?

· Do you ever feel so bad that you don’t want to be anymore?

· Have you thought about getting help?

Remember, being supportive involves offering encouragement and hope. Very often, this is a matter of talking to the person in language that he or she will understand and respond to while in a depressed mind frame.

What you can say that helps:

· You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

· You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

· I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

· When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold of for just one more day, hour, minute — whatever you can manage.

· You are important to me. Your life is important to me.

· Tell me what I can do now to help you.

Avoid saying:

· It’s all in your head.

· We all go through times like this.

· Look on the bright side.

· You have so much to live for why do you want to die?

· I can’t do anything about your situation.

· Just snap out of it.

· What’s wrong with you?

· Shouldn’t you be better by now.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm (abridged)

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yacantusethisname-blog

Except I wouldn’t say “have you thought about getting help?” Most likely they have thought about that, & probably thought even a therapist wouldn’t understand. Maybe offering to help them get help would be a better suggestion. Then based on their response go from there.

#depression
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