It starts off as a friendship with Suna. Witty banter, hushed snickers in class, maybe pairing up to work on a project or study together until you end up at one of the Inarizaki's frat parties. One thing leads to another and you end up in Suna's bed.
Neither of you think much that night, too exhausted to do anything more than fall asleep in a messy tangle of limbs.
The next morning you wake up first, sore but sated, and see Suna's head resting on your chest. You take a few moments to savor the relaxed set of his features and the way his hair catches the sunlight as if knowing this moment will be a pivotal one.
When Suna wakes up he gives you a sleepy-but-still-very-cheeky smirk. You wonder if the conversation is awkward or not as Suna lays out his intentions to avoid a relationship. He's not interested in committing to anyone or anything and since you hooked up with him in the heat of the moment you're fine with this. You aren't sure what you really want anyway, in general or from Suna.
Your friendship continues without complication presenting an all-too-common-concept that's new to you: friends-with-benefits.
You start hooking up on the regular and it's good. You both enjoy it. You enjoy each other, have fun, and initiate about as often as the other. Everything seems fine until you see Suna in the dining hall.
It's weird because he usually just eats at the frat house...and then you see he's with someone else. And when he catches your eye he gives you nothing more than a flick of the eyebrows in acknowledgement before smiling back at the person across from him.
While you may have considered Suna a friend you're not sure that he ever did.
And then when they reach for Suna's hand and he lets them take it, even lacing his fingers with theirs, you realize that Suna really didn't want to commit to anyone or anything.
The next time he reaches out you dismiss him easily. Studying. Then hanging out with friends.
After a few rejections and no invitations from you Suna pulls away, too.
Suna won't tell you that he misses your body. Yeah he's been with some other people in the meantime but their bodies haven't responded to him like yours.
He misses the way the two of you fell into a natural rhythm, leaving him to feel satisfied but not suffocated.
Neither of you asked too much of the other. He misses the way you might sleep over if you were tired but never try to blend that into something else.
He won't tell himself that he misses more than just your body.
It catches him off-guard when Atsumu asks if he's seeing anyone.
It's just the two of them in the kitchen at the frat house and Suna doesn't think much of the question. He answers honestly: no, he's not seeing anyone.
Atsumu points out that it's been a while since Suna's had an overnight visitor... His next question is specific: Is Suna seeing you?
Suna shrewdly searches Atsumu's gaze for malicious intent but the setter stares back at him pointedly. Unable to guess why Atsumu's asking, too stubborn to acknowledge his own feelings...he answers the same way. No, not seeing you.
Suna debates texting you, asking to hangout, but is emotionally constipated and decides against it. Knowing you're a hardworking student he heads to the library hoping to cross your path and wanders around for a while.
He ignores the little spark in his chest when he finds you.
He can see you're visibly stressed as he approaches the table; part of him feels bad and wishes he could help you, wishes he knew how...but another part of him, a much more immature part feels the need to have your attention so he pulls out the chair across from you.
You give him nothing more than a passing glance as you copy something down from your textbook.
He leans forward, about to say something when you hold up a finger and shake your head, stress making you frown.
He shrugs but refuses to back down like the obstinate little shit he is. He starts doing his own work--not well, he's just using it as an excuse to be here--and waits until you finish. He's mentally mapping out all the things he's going to do with you tonight to make up for lost time and reseat himself in the center of your mind.
This may be the longest he's ever been in the library. Did his ass go numb?
After you give a few final clicks of a mouse in what he assumes is the submission of your work, you lean back in your chair and heave a deep sigh.
He chuckles and tries to get your attention now with a cheeky comment. You give him a wry grin and retort. He's about to ask you to come over when your phone dings.
Jealousy--and maybe a flicker of fear--curls in his chest when your attention is diverted to type out a response, smiling to yourself.
He makes a snarky comment that doesn't really register.
It's not until you're done texting and finally--finally--give him your attention. He asks you to come over and you say you can't:
Your smile is so sweet and genuine that it makes him feel sick.
What's worse is you don't realize how much your words hurt him because he's always said he's not interested in a relationship.
You don't tell him who you're going out with--he's got a pretty good guess--but you're smiling as you pack up your stuff and tell him that you're excited and curious and hopeful and your emotions are so earnest that he withdraws deeper and deeper into himself.
He walks out with you, parting with a silent wave as you bid him to have a good night.
He doesn't booty call you or anyone after that.
He avoids Atsumu, the frat. He spends more time at the gym. Frequents the library.
He's hoping for a scrap of information about you without having to put himself out there but...it's painful the moment he gets it.
The next time he sees you at the library you're not alone. Atsumu is sitting next to you sneaking admiring glances while you're working. He debates being an obstinate little shit again and sitting with the two of you until Atsumu notices him and waves him over. You glance up and give a small smile; you're not unhappy to see him you just don't want to be distracted from schoolwork.
With the urge to be a dick Suna brings up the Inarizaki frat party happening that night, asking Tsumu something about it hoping to get a reaction out of you.
You give Atsumu a strange look to Suna's delight and he calls you out, asking if it was a sore subject like Atsumu hadn't invited you but you brush it off. The weird look was just your disappointment that you might not get all of your work done in time.
Atsumu turns to you and says something sweet like if you can't make it he's not going either. It makes Suna angry. He feels like he's intruding on some intimate moment when you try--and fail--to hold back a smile for 'Tsumu.
Before he can run away and never look back stroll away, you turn back to him and he hates how much he still loves your attention.
You tell him you look forward to seeing him there, if you can go and then hesitate, searching his gaze in a way that makes him yearn for your company even more. You hesitantly ask him if it would bother him if you go.
Mustering as much indifference has he can he shrugs and says no, he doesn't care and then strolls off.
You don't watch him walk off with any kind of longing; you're relieved. Atsumu's smiling with something like pride that he's your boyfriend and swipes in for a quick kiss, making you smile. He then promptly orders you to get back to work so you won't miss the party.
As promised he stays until you finish your work, grabbing a quick slice of pizza with you on the way to the party talking excitedly the whole time.
This isn't your first time to the Inarizaki frat house but it's the first time you're going with one of the Inarizaki boys themselves and, sure enough, Atsumu introduces you to every single one of his frat brothers beaming with pride the whole time. It's mostly fun. A little intimidating when he brings you up to the president, Kita. But the silver fox welcomes you with surprising warmth expressing his approval that you've already been a positive influence on Atsumu.
And then there's his twin.
Osamu's aloof, at best, when Atsumu introduces you to him. He knows that you and Suna used to hookup. He also knows that Suna's hooked up with a bunch of people...aand that Suna hasn't been the same since you stopping cumming coming around.
Someone says something to Atsumu and he reacts dramtically; Osamu rolls his eyes, ready to make a snide comment toward his brother but stops when you laugh. It's clear you're charmed by Atsumu but you make a small joke about his antics and ask Osamu if he's always been like this.
Atsumu can see the moment you win Osamu over--the minute lift of his lips in an approving smile, the subtle softening of his gaze--and is secretly delighted but plays it off dramatically as if you've betrayed him. Osamu smirks openly at his brother while giving you a small joke in response.
Though Suna never introduced you to Osamu, you knew they were best friends. Being acknowledged--and not immediately shunned--by Osamu and then to joke with him?
You can finally relax after that.
Atsumu's always been one of the more popular frat brothers and it's no different this time. There seems to be an endless stream of people who want to talk or play games or drink with him and he's happy to entertain all of them but he never forgets you. He's always including you in conversations, not playing games unless you were given a place at the board, and making sure you never went without a drink or hydration.
Overall the party's fun. A little exhausting but you're happy.
The party culminates in a face-off between the current president and vp versus the upcoming one: the twins. As they set up the pong table--beer pong but with water because as Kita insists the ball isn't properly cleaned and it's digusting drinking straight from the cups, he'll stick to his own drink thank you very much--you kiss Atsumu for good luck and wander off in search of snacks.
You find your way to the kitchen, high on endorphins from being by Atsumu's side all night so when you see Suna leaning against the counter you don't think anything of it and just walk up to look in the fridge giving him a smile and a pleasant greeting to which he gives a nasty comment about how you could show up to the party.
And this is the part that I've been dying to write. All of this ^ felt necessary as context to properly frame this interaction.
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"You said it wouldn't bother you," you say defensively. "That you weren't going to care!"
Suna's jaw clenches as he stares at the floor, arms crossed. "Yeah. Well. I was wrong."
"So...So what are you saying Suna?" Your voice is low, almost hard to hear over the music of the party but he can hear layers of pain and confusion, frustration, all the nuances of what you're feeling
and hates himself for it.
He hates how he's still attune to you. He hates that he's the one making you feel this way. He hates that you called him by his family name rather than the one you would breathe out in the dark.
It's taking all of his energy not to let any of this show; he can't bring himself to answer your question.
In his silence you blink trying to hold back tears.
After a very long moment you swallow thickly and ask "we...were never really friends...were we?"
The music pulses through the space between you.
Suna's gaze is so sharp you flinch as if you've been cut when he looks at you.
"How can I be your friend when I know the way you taste?"
Your eyes widen, lips part, as you freeze. You don't know what you expected Suna to say but it was definitely not that.
He angrily glances at the microwave clock over your shoulder before pointedly looking back at you "It's almost two a.m...and I can't ask you to stay."
"Don't." That family name again; he can't handle it. He holds up a hand. "Just don't."
Your expression closes off. "Don't what?" you say harshly. "Don't remind you that we agreed there was nothing more to us? Don't remind you that you were the one to say you weren't interested in commitment, first!?"
Suna glowers at you, anger fueled by the way you're keeping your voice down. He wants to know if it's to save yourself from embarrassment or Atsumu but he hates it.
He wants everyone to know the two of you were involved first and all he has to do is drop one loud comment to insinuate that you've been using Atsumu to get to him and then--
"What do you think hurts more, Rin?"
He can't bring himself to publicly shame you.
"Getting broken or making it break?"
You had asked him this question one night when the two of you were on the verge of sleep.
And he was tired. He'd lamely deflected the question saying context mattered but your words come back to him in this moment.
Because as he holds your angry gaze he knows you're right.
Yeah, he could make a scene. Tarnish your reputation. Ruin your smooth introduction to Inarizaki. Complicate your new relationship with Atsumu maybe even until the point that it doesn't work out. But he can't.
He can't bring himself to hurt you.
So he swallows his pride. "Sorry. Just being a dick as usual." He gives you a weak echo of his usual cheeky smirk and waits until your expression softens.
You search his gaze for another minute. "Okay."
"Go get your boy," he says as neutrally as he can, jutting his chin toward Atsumu fist-pumping the air.
Looking over at the blonde makes you smile and you pull a water bottle from the fridge before going back to cheer him on.
"Have a good rest of the night, Suna," you say with a tense smile.
He nods. And--though he knows this will come back to bite him in the ass--he calls your name.
When you turn he lifts his beer to you. "We are friends."
Your smile is warm this time. Grateful. You lift your water bottle back to him and dissolve into the crowd.
"What do you think hurts more, Rin?"
"Getting broken or making it break?"
When you're breaking yourself to spare the person you love.
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Whew okay I have no idea what that was. Feels like a fever dream. But I literally needed to get it out before it strangled my conscious mind.
Based on the song "Feel It Twice" by Camila Cabello (two of Suna's lines are lyrics from that song)
Don't forget there's a genocide going on (or 3, or is it 4? Honestly I don't know. Fuck the US govt), do what you can to help fellow humans even if it's sharing information! Free Palestine!
Okaythanksforreadingallthisyoumeantheworldtomebyeeeee
