Sometimes I wonder how everyone I used to interact with on here is doing.

I’m fortunate to be in a very positive and healthy place right now and I wish the same for you all too.

Han xx

Oh how I did NOT miss the recovery night sweats 😫🥴

Hi guys, just wanted to do a little update as it’s been so long since I last posted!

PTW

I’m not going to lie, things were pretty bad for a while. I relapsed severely with behaviours and thoughts and have ended up having to see a private dietitian while I wait for outpatient treatment at adult eating disorder services in the new year.

Working with the dietitian has been really helpful for getting my intake back up, and I’ve been doing really well with weight restoration and am now nearly weight restored! I feel very uncomfortable in myself though and my brain is telling me I need to go back and do things “properly” as this time I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia, despite actually being underweight again, as my bmi was at the criteria for anorexia nervosa. I’m trying to remind myself this is a good thing though as I managed to recognise my relapse and get help! I’m also reminding myself that this isn’t my actual diagnosis really as it’s been a relapse with the anorexia nervosa I was diagnosed with at 16.

The assessments I’ve had in getting my diagnosis this time have made me realise I’ve been struggling with disordered eating since about age 12. It makes me sad to think that that means I’ve been sick for nearly 10 years now. I hope to be free from this illness one day. I don’t want to pass this on to any children I might have, or look back on my life and see only missed opportunities.

Anyways, sorry for the depression session, things are slowly looking up and I think going home for Christmas break will be good as I feel I could use some extra support right now!

I hope you all enjoy the celebrations this year and let yourself join in with all aspects of the festivities - you deserve it!!

Also, I have a recovery tiktok as well now - it’s hannahrecovers if you want to give it a follow.

Why does my mental health get in the way of everything I want to do?!

All I want is to finish the medicine course but at the moment it’s just too much and I think I need to drop out and go home for a while. I hate myself and I hate my life.

I’m really struggling.

My mental health is so bad right now.

I’m literally failing my uni course - it’s so stressful, I’m behind, and I probably won’t have time to catch up before my December exams. I feel like I’m not taking anything in and I can’t remember things from a couple of weeks ago, let alone the start of term.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need another year out, but I’ve already taken 1 and 1/2 and I can’t afford to waste any more time. It’s also expensive and I don’t think I could afford to pay tuition again.

My life is such a mess.

Big TW here for some messed up thoughts.

Something I’ve struggled with since I first started recovery was that I never felt thin enough. I never took any body pics of myself at my lowest weight, so I feel like I’ll never know what I looked like and it’s bothering me, I look at other people struggling and wonder if I ever looked like them. I look at old pictures of myself from before and after but how do I know what I looked like between?

I know it shouldn’t matter and it DOESN’T matter because everyone deserves to recover no matter what they look like or how much they weigh!!!

But what if I didn’t deserve it? What if it wasn’t enough? Should I go back and try again and ‘do it right this time’ so I actually look sick?

Why am I struggling with this again? It’s been 3 years since I was weight restored and “recovered”, why now?

How do I stop thinking like this? I’m so triggered and struggling but because I’m supposed to be fine now no one sees it or believes it anymore.

My life is just cycles of feeling okay then feeling nothing but emptiness and sadness and I don’t really know how to get better.

Today I had an appointment where they told me there was nothing they could do to help me.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t go my whole life feeling like this!

Long time no post

Hello everyone, how are you all?

It's been a hot minute since I've checked in on here.

I've just turned 21 (which means this blog has been active for at least 4 years - what?!!) and I'm back restarting medicine at university again after a break due to my mental health being really bad.

ED-wise I'm doing okay, I'm eating, I'm maintaining a healthy weight, going through the motions ya know? I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable in my body and I made the mistake of weighing myself which did NOT help. But I'm trying to deal with the triggers so I don't relapse. It feels strange to be struggling with ED thoughts again after so long.

My mental health has been a bit of a rollercoaster - I went for more therapy with the adult services last year, after having to drop out of uni, and they thought I had multiple personality disorder or something similar. I was discharged from there last summer after they'd changed their minds on diagnosis and now I'm waiting for an assessment and then hopefully more therapy and treatment from adult services in the area where I'm back at uni - currently my GP over there thinks I have Bipolar II so we'll see what happens I guess.

Other than that I've been dealing with some trauma from something bad that happened back in 2018 - for some reason it's only hitting me now, which is just great with end of year exams at the start of May!

But oh well, I guess it's just how life goes, and I'm grateful to still be here and to have got further in my medicine course than I did the last time (dropped out after first term, but now I've finished first year if I pass my May exams).

Drop me some asks if you want, I could use some distraction! Would love to hear how you're all getting on.

Hanz xx