jinkies! its drugs!

my whoooole life, like since i could first talk, my favorite color has been blue. when i was a little tomboy i didn't like the color pink, bug i got over that quickly. but like. pink was never in my top 10 colors. ever. then one day when i was 21, i woke up and decided pink was the color i would live by. it basically is, im incredibly pink core irl. all my accessories are pink, i collect pink model cars, 60-70% of my wardrobe is or has pink. idk it was so random like suddenly the pink craving in me unleashed itself.

blue is still technically my fav cus im loyal to it but...... pink 🩷💓💕💗💞

okay heres the course of my full thoughts on the natvan friendship.

lets start with elementary. i dont think either of them were sent to pre-k or daycare. they were less socialized as kids than some of their peers (def not all. they arent the only lower class families in wiskayok.) i think they were buddies as kids, and played at recces and stuff.

most kids didnt wanna play w nat bc her clothes didnt smell very good and found her kind of offputting bc she was pretty quiet (the way children of abusive or neglectful parents often are). i think by the time 2nd/3rd grade rolled around most kids kinda picked up on the judgement from their own parents, which carries over for kids in their own interactions.

i think it was kinda similar for van. she wore the same striped shirt and khaki shorts almost everyday and her hair used to be realllly long as a kid bc her mom didnt get it cut often. kids found her long har cool at first and called her rapunzel, but got over it pretty quick when they realized van didnt like people braiding it and putting flowers in her hair. she was friendlier tho, and it took her a little longer than natalie to realize why she was treated differently. basically, van got used to hearing 'no' when she asked if people wanted to play with her or be her friend, but she didnt stop asking, whereas natalie stopped very quickly as she was often avoided.

van and nat became friends cus they were two of the only kids who consistently played with each other and would sit next to one another in circles and stuff. they ate lunch together, and that dynamic carried over to middle school.

when midle school starts, van gets a hair cut, and she and nat both wear fresher clothes and what not, but their reputations are already solidified. some people are nicer to van bc shes so social and makes some more friends. its not like she and nat have a friendship much deeper than elementary school bonds, but they still sit together at lunch and in classes they have.

idk when i think taissa comes into the picture, but ive always imagined taivan having a friends to pining to lovers relationship. so i think some point, maybe 6th or 7th grade, van meets tai at soccer club and is smitten. tai lowkey is too and van feels really welcomed by her and they connect. van start spending a little less time w nat bc she wants to be w tai. its not intentional at all. yk how first crushes are, especially a sapphic one, AND in middle school.

seats are assigned after first pickings so van and nat still sit together and have a decent rapport, but nat does have her lil 12 y/o feelings kind of hurt by van spending more time w tai than her. shes always one to pretend she doesnt care tho, so as time goes on, nat never speaks up about it. she kinda lets her and van remain how they are, and allows the distance to grow.

van never stops caring about nat, its just that shes a little older now and is becoming friends with new people. in her mind, nats always her buddy, she just has different relationships now.

nat becomes kinda friends w kevyn around this time. he wasnt a dick to her in elementary, and played w her sometimes when van wasnt around. they get closer, and his friends are cool w nat too. nat and van are still absolutely cool w each other, they just dont talk as much.

all this establishes itself more in 8th grade, but as van is a little older and reflects a bit, she decides to reach out to nat more. shits not great at home for nat, shes more jaded, but she considers it when van asks her to join the soccer club. kevyn convinces her to do it, so she does. van is hyped, other girls in the club arent so much. nat sticks with it despite that because she does actually really enjoy playing soccer, but it takes some more convincing to get her to try out for the actual team once they enter high school. van says she'll probably be the only one from the club who drops soccer, and itll show that they all got to her. it resonates w nat and she decided to join the team and try not to let it seem like she gave a shit.

nat ends up kinda getting along w some members and being on the team gets a bit easier. vans enthusiasm made more people less openly cruel to her. lottie never talked shit about anyone who didnt deserve it, and they ended up getting along in a way they didnt expect (ill be making a detailed post at some point about my insight on lottienats friendship). shauna and nat vibe when jackie isnt around, and sometimes taissa takes it easier on her cus she respects that van liked nat as kids. still, nats not necessarily close to any of them, but she does have some people on the team shes cool w.

around the middle of sophmore year, tai and van realize they feel the same and date on the dl. again, high school relationship, its pretty immature, so van feels like it isnt her place anymore to tell taissa to stop when shes rude to nat (i have the 'bong to hit/dick to suck' scene in mind as van was the only one to not react). obviously she says something when other people cross a line, as seen w travis. nat doesnt mind, she kinda would rather taissa be honest than pretend to like her. it doesnt rly affect anything in the team, nat didnt talk to any of them much more than necessary from the get go. shes less hurt about it than she was in middle school, and shes already picked up on taivan being a thing, so shes chill. shes gotten closer w kevyn so she feels pretty good about things.

at the beginning of junior year, (maybe the end of sophmore year idk i cant decide,) the incident with natalies dad happens. nat doesnt show for a couple weeks, and van tries to ask kevyn what happened. no one really knows the full story, but lots of rumors go around once the news of mr. scatorccio dying by a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head got out. van didnt rly pay mind to them, and became more outspoken w tai about not contributing to rumors.

when nat returns, she doesnt go to soccer for a bit. she and kevyn mostly skip, and kevyns friend started bringing them weed to help nat out. she smoked a bit before, but it becomes a regular thing. same w drinking. she had access to it as a kid and would take swigs. her father sometimes even let her get tipsy when she was a preteen. but after his death, it becomes more of a crutch. all his alcohol is lying around, so she provides the drinks to their skip sessions.

when nat decides its time to act unbothered, she comes back to soccer. shes still, understandably, traumatized, so she zones out even more and talks even less. but shes there. everyone is either extra nice to her, or gives her total space. van just tries to be casual, which nat appreciates.

by the half way point of junior year, nats pretty heavily into drinking and weed and psychedelics, and its at this point it affects her day to day. skipping is a daily occurance, she barely keeps her grades up to stay on the team. van tries to let nat know shes still a friend, but it upsets her to see nat showing up drunk. it reminds her of her mother. and van.. just cant deal w that. shes struggled so much with having a neglectful parent due to alcohol. shes tried her hardest to not let the world get to her like her mother did, and avoid falling down that path. watching it happen to natalie is just disappointing for van.

this isnt to say van doesnt drink and smoke. she def does, she likes to let loose, but i see her as a strictly social smoker/drinker. nat obviously has a diff relationship with drugs and alcohol, and the her reliance is something that rubs van the wrong way for personal, but also caring reasons.

its a combination of nat distancing herself naturally bc of her subtance abuse, and van realizing she cant fix it + having her opinion on nat change a bit. she cares for natalie. she has for a long time, even if its not the same as with more day to day friends. but she decides that theyre older now, nats made her choices and van doesnt agree with them, as much as she understands them.

theyre friendly. but vans self preserverance, tai supporting her protecting herself, and her sometimes seeing nat ending up like her own mother, the distance grows on both sides. nat doesnt even really pick up on it. shes pretty clouded for the last two years of high school, and she doesnt care she has her vices and she has kevyn and she convinces herself thats enough.

i think maybe a part of nat is bitter that she feels things worked out so much better for van than her. its not entirely true but i mean.. it kinda is. at the same time, i think nat just sort of feels that way towards everyone and the entire universe.

its just all a cycle imo. they got close bc of their similar family dynamics, but those dynamics are what made them into the separate people they are. they no longer aligned bc they took different paths based on the cards they were dealt. nat became her parents in a way, and van did her best not to, and to not let anymore of that into her life.

then the crash happens, and none of it matters anymore.

tldr; van and nat got along as little kids bc they were treated differently. their friendship never developed past elementary school level bonds, and they drifted apart naturally due to different social circles and life choices