when you forget your backpack

Y’know, I often hear people talk about how Harry was thick and kinda useless without help, and while yeah, there are times I wanted to give him a good shake, I’m sat here watching “Chamber of Secrets” right now, and I figured I’d just do a little side-by-side comparison for perspective:

• Harry: “I’m hearing voices no one else seems to hear, and every time I do, somebody winds up stiff and everyone blames me. Inconvenient, but let’s keep looking into this.”

• Me: *curled up in my bed for the remainder of the school year, twitching*

=====================

• Harry: “I wasn’t aware I could speak Parseltongue, and now everyone thinks I’m the Heir of Slytherin. This is really stressful and disheartening, I’ll try to prove it’s untrue.”

• Me: “That’s right, bitches, Heir of Slytherin, coming through. You over there… you look like you either want to do my Herbology homework or end up petrified and hanging from a chandelier… hrmmm… which is it, though? Good answer. SSsssssssssss!!!”

=====================

• Harry: “Interesting. This Tom Riddle chap’s diary just sucked me into it for a flashback. Useful new information was presented.”

• Me: “SWEET WIZARD JESUS, this book just fucking abducted me!!!” *throws it into the Gryffindor common room fireplace*

=====================

• Harry: “Oh no, Ron, Hermione’s been petrified! Let’s pick her some flowers and keep investigating.”

• Me: “GAAAHHHHH!!! If friggin’ Hermione couldn’t survive this shit, what bloody chance do WE have? We’re all fucked! Fucked I say! RUN!!!!!!!!”

=====================

• Harry: “Come on, Ron, we’ve got to dive down this black hole into the Chamber of Secrets and save your sister!”

• Me: “Six kids is really better, y’know… even number and all, plus, if we’re being totally honest, it’s not like your mum and dad couldn’t do with one less mouth to feed.”

=====================

• Harry: “I’ll fight your basilisk, Tom Riddle! And I will triumph!”

• Me: *was gone screaming through the sewers 10 minutes ago*

=====================

• Harry: “I’m going to die, Ginny… be brave and get yourself out of here.”

• Me: *rolling around on the floor* “WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i’msoyoung……”

In summation, I don’t think the lad did half bad.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder 🐶

I Think It Worked

Watch: Still unsure if white privilege exists? This should clear it up.

she literally tried to deal drugs to the cops I just.. fucken.. WHAT 

He didn’t arrest her he warned her it was illegal….. Warned !!!!!!! Wtfffffffffffffffffff

SHE DIDN’T FAIL, SHE WENT TO 2 COPS AND THEY JUST WARNED HER, AND SHE WAS OFF TO DO SOME OTHER MISCHIEF. SHE PROVED HER POINT.

Love is beautiful

I mean at least it was less upsetting than what I thought he was going to do.

July 14 2019 - A woman deplatforms famous Brazilian Catholic priest Marcelo Rossi, who has called homosexuality a disease. [video]

She’s a hero.

alrighty she’s already performed one miracle, a couple more and we can canonize her

I love genuinely innocent “boys will be boys.” Just saw a guy come out of a frat house to poke a pair of jeans they’d left outside - they were frozen solid, and as soon as he confirmed that, like twenty more boys came rushing out of the house going “YOOOOOOOOOO”

I heard grunting outside my window the other night and there were four boys struggling to push this giant snowball (like 7 foot diameter) down the sidewalk.

I once lost my keys at a frat house.

My drunk ass had actually walked home without them, pounded on my apartment door, gotten let in by my rightfully-disgruntled roommate, and proceeded to pass out on the couch.  Apparently I puked in the toilet before passing out.  I do not remember this part.

The next morning, I schlepped back to the frat house.  I stood there, right in front of the front door.  This was a novel experience for me.  I’d never been at a frat house in broad daylight before.

A boy, presumably, of the house, asked me what I was doing. 

“I lost my keys in here last night,” I called back.  “I was seeing if I could go in and look for them?”

He opened the door and gestured for me to come in.

“Go wherever you want.”

I’d never seen a frat house post-party before.  Wandering up the stairs and through the halls, I was surrounded by hungover and still-drunk frat boys stumbling around in their socks and sandals and gym shorts, seeking out food and showers like moths to a porch light.  A few of them threw puzzled glances my way.  I’m sure they thought I was some post-bacchanalia hallucination.

I entered one room where a boy was drunkenly watching some Old Yeller-esque movie on a tiny TV in the corner of his room from his bed.

“Do you like dog movies?” he asked, voice all mumbly from grogginess and also from the fact that his face was squished against his pillow and half-buried by his blanket.

I told him I did.

He mumbled again, pleased, and asked what I was doing.  I told him I was looking for my keys.

“Sorry, I haven’t seen any keys around here.”

I didn’t doubt him.

Twenty minutes had passed.  I’d searched just about every bedroom and nuclear-waste-dump-site of a bathroom in that house.  I’d given up on ever finding my keys and was prepared to beg my roommates’ forgiveness and get a new set copied.

As I stood there in the hallway, silently bewailing my predicament, a particularly-burly frat boy approached me.

“You need help with something?”

“I lost my keys here last night and I can’t find them, I’ve looked everywhere.”

“What do they look like?  I’ll put it into the group chat.”  He was already pulling out his phone.

No one ever checks a group chat, I thought, but what the hell.  It was worth a shot.  “Um, it’s just a ring of keys.  The keychain is a pink plastic cat, though, like yea big.  Like bright pink, you can’t miss it.”

He nodded, presumably typing this description faithfully into the group chat.

“Alright, I sent the message out.  Good luck.”

And with that, he turned and left.

A few moments later, I heard a distant thundering.  It was coming from upstairs, and it was getting louder and louder.  One assumes that how I felt in that moment was how Simba felt seeing the wildebeest stampede through the ravine as a horde of large young men all thundered down the stairs, making a beeling for me.

“Someone tell the girl!” One of them shouted, faceless in the mob.  “Girl!  Hey, GIRL!!!  We found your keys, girl!!!”

They circled around me.  I hadn’t felt that small since I was maybe eleven years old.  One of them split himself off from the crowd.

“Are these -” he pulled out a ring of keys from his pocket, “your keys?”

And lo, there was the distinctive bright millennial pink cat keychain dangling off the ring.

“Yes,” I whispered.  “Oh my god, yes.”

“EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”

The cheer went up.

Turns out he found them in the bathroom upstairs.  I thanked them again profusely.  There was a scattered round of “no problems” and then, just as suddenly as they descended, they all dispersed, like ships in the night.

More quality boy posts please

hello, send me top notch boy posts

Dolly Parton created women? damn she really did that

She created her own worst enemy.

Jolene.

God (Dolly) creates Lucifer (Jolene) - Beginning of Time B.C.E.