Real Talk
I am in a toxic place right now in my life, but there is still a lot of hope in my garden of life. I will be coming out of it in the near future. It's just that, someone I thought who was supposed to love and nurture me turned out to be a very toxic individual who's been bringing out the worst in me, making me paranoid, dismissing my feelings, shamed me for my interests, making me feel inferior, puts me in a dark place and it's all caused me to isolate myself and not want to talk to anyone- not even some of my closest friends. They will take no accountability for their actions or have any interest in changing- even if it ends up destroying our relationship. I am only now seeing their true colors, and getting down to the core of what a bully they actually are, and how they've mistreated me under the guise of supposedly caring for me. I've been going through this for a while now- back and forth, back and forth, feeling crazy and fighting myself and feeling like I didn't know what the reality was. After working through a lot of it, and talking to people- I know it's not just me. I'm not crazy- this is real abuse and and neglect and because I was exposed to it for so long-because I was a nice person giving them the benefit of the doubt, I just didn't see it quite as clearly as what I do now. It wasn't normal. It wasn't love. I have worked through what is just my emotions and what is the truth after view points from all sides.
While I lolly gag around on social media and try not to be a complete sad sack, my heart is so heavy right now, guys. All I want to do is improve myself, and put myself first, and spread positive energy with others. All I've felt like is a drama magnet and like nothing can go right. I was told a lot of my problems were just because I didn't try hard enough- I was lazy, had no vision and was accused of going to be lazy the rest of my life. That isn't the truth. I know who I am, and how hard I can work- how inspired I can be.I know how the system is corrupted and the odds are against a lot of people these days. I admit what I've lacked is discipline- and more than discipline; confidence in myself. I couldn't motivate myself before, because I was put down so often that I began to self sabotage my efforts because deep down I never thought I was worth it. I didn't think I was worthy of success, because it was in my head that I would just fail anyways. Sometimes, I didn't want to exist- seemed nice to give up and disappear. I am not saying this to fish for sympathy- nor do I expect you to do so, but I feel like I owe some truths as to why I've all but disappeared from normally talking to people I was close to. That could be paranoia, too- I'm sure a lot of you are just doing your own thing. I haven't been able to approach a lot of folks because I feel I am too heavy of an individual right now, too difficult to relate to and with not a lot to talk about, no interest in a lot of things that brought me joy before, and you don't deserve all the drama in my life right now- you have your own shit going on, your own battles to fight and I respect it. I am working through mine, and I am hopeful for the future and the person I will be- I am realizing things, and growing, and changing, and planning my departure from this shitty environment.
I used to just be a crushed freaking seed, so it was nice to grow- but now I am too big and too wide and too brilliant , too loud, too bold- for this shit hole of a pot. Some of my leaves were crushed and cut before their time, but I’m still alive. I ache for sunlight- positive vibes and water to grow, fresh soil to spread my roots further and deeper than before. My spirit needs nourishment. I was too scared before, and too insecure- not confident-and enjoyed the security in my cramped space where I believed I was safe, but now it's suffocating me and too many of my days are plagued by anxiety. This person is too unpredictable, too off kilter. We’ve shared great moments- bright ones, but ultimately we are helter skelter. They are mean, and self destructive and I have been a casualty too many times. I don't want to whine- I just want to tell you all how excited I am - that I have went through all of this shit- I have nearly went to the railroad down the road and stopped the car--holy shit, I know-- but in SPITE of all of that I am excited for the future!! I will come out bigger and badder than before. My spirit is not as shattered as I feared. But I am going to create a future where I never have to deal with this bullshit ever again. Where I know that I’m valid, regardless of what anyone- even my own family says.
This is going to be the rebirth period in this cycle of my life- this time I feel it in my heart, because I've decided I'm a good person, worthy of love and light and success. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be. I am resuming my journey of being the best version of myself and being the author of my own life. I’ve learned a lot of lessons, now it’s time to apply them. These words are cheap if I don’t put any action behind them- but they’re a start. I am strong, and marvelous, and I feel sorry for the people who can't see it. I never thought that I would be pushed out of what was supposed to be home, for doing the right things. For being a good person. for having fun, for being positive, for finishing fucking college. I never thought I'd be punished for trying to love someone and be on the same level with them and motivate them to accept and improve their flaws. For trying to hold them accountable for their wrongdoings and openly admitting my own. I gave my honest effort for so long, but you have to make the choice to grow and you can't help someone who doesn't want to. I am still working through a lot of things, but I am packing myself up, laying foundations and I am moving on the moment I get the opportunity. My journey isn't over yet- and I have a lot of fun years ahead of me. Thank you to all the people who have been kind to me- and the low maintenance friends who've still welcomed me when I approached them even when it was a little awkward and we hadn't talked in a while. I appreciate you so fucking much.You’re wonderful.
In closing, have a quote or two that has literally saved my life:
“To anyone that ever told you you're no good.. they're no better.”
" people will take your kindness for weakness but I think the bigger lesson is not to let it stop from being kind. The world is crazy and the world will try to tell you that you need to be harsh and bitter and you know, a badass- to get through it but you don't have to. I think it’s more important and actually cooler to be nice- and much much cooler to be kind. Let them do whatever they want...
Let them rip you apart but don’t let them take the light out of you."– Hayley Williams
