If anyone could give me a good explanation for the difference between aromantic and alloromantic, that’d be great.
And do not use the word ‘romantic’, it’s meaningless on its own.
It’s hard to explain something without using the word, because the word itself encompasses many things that our society would define as [insert word you don’t want me to use] but I will try to respect that request. I think I understand why you ask that.
Additionally, it is very hard for aromantics to describe things they do not feel but they know exists in other people. I will try, though. Just know that the concept of The Word is foreign to most of us.
First and foremost:
I would say that The Word is something that requires actions, words, aesthetics, etc. in combination with intention and feeling towards someone.
By extension, what it looks like can be dependent on what one is socialized to think it looks like and how they associate it with what they feel or don’t feel.
For example, a hug or a kiss can be considered as such as long as the intention is put behind it but it does not always have to be. It could just be a way to show appreciation or connection with someone without the intention of ‘falling in love’ with them.
Sharing a beautiful setting with flowers and candy can be considered as such if you or your society intends it to be. Otherwise, it could be just a nice day out with a trusted person.
What separates aromantics from alloromantics is the feelings and intentions part of it; not so much the actions, words, aesthetics, etc. themselves that our society may associate with it.
Aromantic people (generally) do not experience these feelings and as a result they either do not intend for their feelings to be expressed in that fashion or they don’t associate their actions with those kinds of feelings.
For example, I never intend for my actions to signify that kind of attraction to another person. If I go out on a ‘date’ (scheduled event) with someone, the only intention I have is to spend time with them as a friend. I cannot feel any other connection.
In English, I also think the difference is expressed well when people say “I love you” versus “I am in love with you.” Intention in combination with those phrases express different feelings or capacities for feeling.
I never say I’m in love, which I think says a lot about my identity personally - why I’m aromantic, not alloromantic.
I think where I’m getting lost is with the difference in feelings. Being ‘in love’ always seemed like a meaningless distinction from ‘loving’ a person.
Obviously I’m trying to figure out if I’m aro myself (I already know I’m asexual). It started by my utter confusion over QPR as a term. I was one of those people who was like “… this just sounds like a friendship or a normal romantic relationship to me.” I’m married to a man I love very deeply, but it’s honestly not a different kind of love than that which I hold for my mom or my best friend. Just more intense.
I think of myself as ‘gay’ but this applies to everyone in my life. I have some non-masculine friends, but I am honestly just more comfortable around men in both friendships and relationships (tbf I’ve only ever had one relationship, and that’s with my current partner).
I have always believed marriage should be able to be between anyone. Even family members (mostly because I see it as a way to formalize legal boundaries and rights, not to mention access to benefits).
Honestly the way I currently live with my partner is exactly the way I’d live with any of my close friends. I might be more physically affectionate with my partner but that’s also largely because I’m much more comfortable being physical with men then women in any context.
All the physical parts of romance: visiting a beautiful place, sharing a meal, unprompted gift giving, cuddling… I do it with all my close friends.
This is why QPR as a term seemed utterly pointless to me. Because how I view my own relationship with my partner is just a slightly more intense version of my close friendships. And everything about QPR just made me think about what I have had with friends in the past and now with my current partner.
I can’t figure out if I’m an in-denial aro or if I just haven’t yet found the thing that is technically ‘romance’ or ‘romantic’. It’s partially why I wanted an explanation without the word since it seems to encompass different things for different cultures/people and is not a concrete delineator between aros and allos. (At least, as far as I can tell).
Understandable. I’ll expand on my thoughts using the word, only to discuss how aromantics and alloromantics may express their feelings about it differently.
QPRs usually involve a certain level of commitment and it is designed to distinguish platonic partnerships from romantic ones. Some feel the need to use it, while others do not. It’s also not exclusive to aromantic people. Anyone can be in a QPR, it just depends on how one wants to define the relationship they’re in. It’s not more or less than a romantic relationship, but it may look similar.
When it comes to engaging in socially defined ‘romantic’ activities, one can do so and still be aromantic. It really just depends on one’s motivations and intentions. For example, an aromantic person in partnership with an alloromantic person may do those things because it makes their partner happy. Or, they might not view those things as romantic personally - they’re things they’d do with anyone.
Alloromantic people seem to have a more intrinsic desire to do things that are coded as romantic, whereas this may be less obvious or necessary to aromantic people. That’s why I use the phrase “in love” for alloromanticism, because they seem willingly immersed in that romantic ‘culture’ whereas aromantic people feel outside of it or it feels foreign and difficult to define.
Love as a desire to bond with others is something not exclusive to alloromantic people, though. Aromantic people may experience other forms of love that they might define as familial or platonic. It’s also possible to not really be able to distinguish these different forms of love, and people who feel that way may define themselves as greyromantic/greyaromantic or even quoiromantic.
If you don’t feel you understand, conceptually, romance or romantic feelings that could be your first indicator that you are aromantic or aro-spec. I can’t tell you how you should identify, but I hope this helps at least a little bit. It’s also okay to just identify as gay if that is the most meaningful to you. Being gay doesn’t have to look one specific way, where you must experience 100% romantic attraction.