repressedidentity-blog reblogged
gemellimorti-deactivated2019100
gemellimorti replied to your post: “gemellimorti replied to your post: “oh hai look who’s alive.”: ...”:
and his sidekick floppy
u fucking missed us
oh hai look who’s alive.
repressedidentity-blog reblogged
for anyone who wants an update here’s what we know on my sister: she goes to Columbus Monday to meet with her new doctor and begin discussing treatments and tests. we still do not know what type of cancer we are dealing with or what stage it is at. she also meets with her new baby doctor soon considering she is now considered high risk. she does know that the new doctor wants to induce her at 32 weeks which will move her due date from the end of november/beginning of december to the end of october. hopefully next week we will know exactly what we are dealing with and what treatments are available that will not harm my nephew.
Alright guys, I know I’ve been MIA and not active lately but there has been a lot happening this last month or so. While I had my own stuff sorted out finally we did just get the news that my sister who is currently 5 months pregnant does have cancer. We don’t know what type or what stage. All we know is that it IS cancer.
She has her PET scan friday night and by Monday we should know what we are dealing with.
Sleeping was craved by Steve’s body, so needed that it held him tightly against the bedding despite the world turning around him. He didn’t realize how long he had been asleep until his eyes parted and the world was dark again. The day had swept into the night and as he looked over at the clock he say a flashing ten on the screen. Ten at night? He had slept nearly twelve hours? The feeling foreign as his body slowly allowed him to move, almost sluggish it took him several moment to remember where he was. The guest bedroom. The fog of his brain registered the room before remembering why he had been there. He glanced around looking for Bucky, brow furrowed before he realized several of the things he had brought with him were gone. Steve’s body rolled forward, sitting upright before his gaze danced around, “Bucky?” He called out, his voice almost hoarse from the heavy sleep in it.
He sat quietly for a moment, chest rising and falling before he climbed out of the bed and put his boxers and pants on. Steve moved around the empty apartment, tentatively looking to see if the man had merely came out for food or TV. Empty. “FRIDAY, locate Sergeant Barnes,” Steve directed softly, the AI responding within seconds. “Sergeant Barnes is not in the building.” Steve’s heart sank, the worst thoughts betraying his better judgement as he looked around in the pitch black apartment hopelessly. “When did he leave?” His voice quieter, almost aching. “1300 Hours, sir.” Steve’s brow furrowed before he sunk into the back of the couch, his head dipping into his hands before letting out a breath. Nearly ten hours ago. Meaning Steve hadn’t been asleep long until he bolted. Bucky left Steve there after everything, left Steve after – his heart was crumpling.
Quickly he moved away from the couch and found his phone in the kitchen, moving to flip through the contacts noticing that Bucky’s phone had been taken from the dresser in the room. He thought about calling, thought about demanding to know where he was. Yet he was hurt, his heart aching, and all he could do was punch angrily at the phones messaging center. ‘Thanks for today, now I know what it feels like to be one of your one night stands too. I thought this was different, but I guess not. The great ladies man Bucky Barnes, just had to have me on the list too?’ Steve’s resolve crumpled, hitting the send button before leaving the phone on the counter. He thought about crawling back into the bed to at least savor the smell of him. The pain in his gut forced him to move into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him and forcing himself to go back to sleep. The world of dreams had to be better than this.
Ten hours was a long time to think. It gave him time to run everything he could remember over again. How the night before had gone, how drunk he had been and how he had tried to take advantage of Steve. How in the morning everything had been different. Bucky had been the one to change every dynamic of their relationship. He couldn’t be content with having his friend in his life. He had to have something more that he knew was impossible to ask for. Worst of it all wasn’t what had happened that night or the fear he had felt when Steve shoved him against the wall. It was knowing the moment he left the Tower he would ruin everything completely. It didn’t matter if someone else was the reason Steve slept with him. It didn’t matter that Bucky had admitted he loved him in a language Steve didn’t understand. Nothing else mattered to him except the feeling of how toxic he really was. Everything he touched crumbled at one point or another.
Self hatred was nothing new for Bucky Barnes. There were more days he hated himself than he could stand to face himself in the mirror. Steve was his best friend, but he couldn’t help wondering how loose they used that term. They were familiar. They were an important part of each other’s past. Were they really friends now, though? In this time? It wasn’t often Bucky even saw the Captain anymore. They were both too busy with their own lives, their own business going on. Steve was Captain America, he had an image he had to uphold. Bucky? Well, he was the guy the bad guys really didn’t want to see. Still that ghost that Hydra had created. Still that weapon that could kill without feeling emotion.
He was slumped in a booth at a bar across town, far enough away he was sure Steve wouldn’t find him. It was questionable. It was dirty. The liquor was cheap, though, and everyone looked like they were ready for a fight. No one seemed bothered by the long haired man, though. They focused on their own problems and arguing with one another about some sports team that Bucky didn’t have the energy to pay attention. He had been sitting there a good hour with the same cup of whiskey sitting in front of him when he felt his phone vibrate. The name appeared and his heart sank as he forced himself to read the following message. Each word felt like another cut digging deeper and deeper into his chest. Lips tightened, teeth digging into his cheek until he tasted the copper flavor of blood hitting his tongue. He debated a long time on what to say back. He didn’t know what to say. Apologies wouldn’t work because truth was.... he wasn’t sorry. Steve wouldn’t understand, but it was Bucky’s way of protecting both of them. Bucky from getting hurt and Steve from becoming tainted by the dark cloud that hung over his head.
[ txt ; Steve ] maybe you should learn Russian, then decide to tell me you’re just another fuck under my belt.
I do believe I have all my replies collected finally and going to start working on them. This will be a slow process today since I’m also modding from a friend on Twitch this evening and I’m one of the few mods that are active.
Alright guys i do believe tomorrow I’ll be coming off my hiatus i took 2 weeks ago. I think I’ve finally gotten everything somewhat sorted out. At least the major stress thing taken care of. Everybody that stuck through it: thank you ♥
okay i’m not gonna lie. i’m stressing out bad lately and i can’t focus to do replies or write or anything so i think i might stick bucky on a temp. hiatus.
hey guys sorry about the lack of replies or being on. i took a few days to chill out and relax and then i ended up going out all weekend. and i need to decompress and process some stuff that happened over the weekend so i don’t think i’ll be on to do replies
repressedidentity-blog reblogged
–––––––––––Not to be crass in regards to an issue that hits too close to home for her, but hearing Bucky telling her he loves her is like crack. It’s addicting, and every time he says it she wants him to say it again. Arms wind around his neck so she can get as close to him as possible, scrunching her nose slightly at the feel of his lips on her skin. Jay doesn’t smile often, but she’s having a really hard time even forming words at the moment, considering how wide her grin is. ❝You know, I think I could be ninety years old and still never get tired of hearing you say that.❞
“Trust me. I am ninety and it doesn’t get old saying it.” A joke at himself, but he was grinning ear to ear. His natural hand came up to run up her neck, enjoying the feeling of her flesh against his own. She could drive him wild without even trying. When she smiled it was like everything good in the world was right in front of him. Bucky would have never imagined finding someone that meant that much to him, let alone actually being allowed to have it. Good things didn’t happen for him, but if this was the only good thing he would get he was happy to have her.
“You would forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on you idiot” Her smile is fond, hands already reaching to touch him. Confused momentarily for the two warm hands she meets. used to the metal, comfortable with who James was and to see him as such a white picket man was amusing at least.
Her arms wrap around his neck as their lips touch. Emotions flurrying through a cold interior. As he pulls away for a second she can’t help but grin at his words. Trust James to bring humor to delicate subject. Porcelain fingers run through his dark locks as her nails scratch at his scalp. Words murmured against his lips “It’ll grow” Leaning back further she grabs his hand, tugging lightly, voice an octave higher as she whines “C’mon. It’s cold” Once inside, she couldn’t drop the act. She wished she could, prayed that she would have a momentary relief from acting but she knew doing such a thing could alert anyone watching them. and thus, for however long this mission took, day in and day out, she was married to James.
She was never going to hear the end of everything that they convinced him to do for his mission. It was all just to tease her, though. If it had been an issue he would have never showed up. He would have told everyone to shove it where the sun didn’t shine and went on with his own business. It was strange the playing pretend with her. Undercover didn’t suit him well. He didn’t do it often. He was the type to dive in with guns blazing and getting it done, but the others were too publicly known. He followed behind her into the house, letting the door shut behind. He took a second to take in the house. It was nice, a lot nicer than he expected.. but then again the other houses on the street were nice too. They still had to play the marriage card. There wasn’t a chance to actually put it down so they could discuss the mission. That would be something they’d have to do under the safety of nighttime when they would be “sleeping”.
Bucky carried his suitcase about halfway into the house before sitting down down. His fingers releasing her’s to stretch over his head a moment, letting a relieved sound once he heard the crack of his back. “Did you get everything unpacked okay?”
She didn’t look away from Bucky, pressing her lips into a tight line. Kate didn’t understand what he’d gone through - she wasn’t going to pretend she did and say that she shared the past. But she didn’t, and she wasn’t going to lie about something like that. She shook her head, shifting to rest on her knees. “ They won’t come for you. They won’t get to you. If they try, they’ll have to get through me. And if they manage that, they’ll have to get through Steve. There are a lot of us who care about you, Bucky. And we aren’t going to let them put you under. I promise. “
“They will.” He muttered. As much of a hold he had on reality, it was beginning to slip quickly. He knew the hallucinations weren’t real... but maybe it was Kate that wasn’t real. Maybe he was in one of the bunkers. Maybe they were prepping to put him under again. “They’re going to. They always do. They’re going to find me and get me again and they’re going to make me forget again. And-And I don’t want to forget everyone. I don’t want to go back to it all. I don’t want it to happen again.”
I used to think of myself one way. But after this I am something else. And still me, I think. But that’s not what everyone else sees.