I don’t know
Tomorrow I’m off to Edinburgh, to teach an introduction to hypnokink and to see my people. I always feel such a warm welcome when I’m there, the kinksters are smart and interested and so very welcoming. It’s not just Edinburgh though, the London hypnokinksters have been absolutely awesome every time I showed up. They even dragged us off to the LAM, herding us like sheep through this scary, foreign city. I feel blessed and thankful.
It surprises me every time, when someone is nice to me, when people are welcoming and treat me well. When someone likes me. You see, I struggle with my confidence, or my lack thereof. I live with crippling self doubt, always have. It’s a mental scar of sorts, but it doesn’t have a story I coulkd tell to boast. You’re going to have to take my word for it when I say that I’ve been through some shit.
As a result, I am constantly aware of one simple truth: I don’t know. I don’t know anything for certain. I don’t trust my own observations, I don’t trust the words of other people, I don’t trust what I read anywhere. It’s like I live in a story with an unreliable narrator. The only thing I know for certain is that the information I do have is not the whole truth. I don’t know. I don’t know if they really meant what they said to me. I don’t know if they still love me. I don’t know anything.
Living like this is exhausting. This is one of the reasons I have fetishised being put in a mindless trance, being hypnotised into believing, being free of that constant gnawing doubt, just for a little while. I have learned to live with it, of course. I have learned to just accept a compliment or praise, I may not feel it, but they are telling me that they believe it, and that is worth something. I have learned to accept that there are things that I’m good at. And yet…
I am perpetually surprised when people are nice to me. When they want to hear me speak on a subject, when they want to read what I write. I’m just a voluptuous woman nearing 40 who has seen some things and tried some things. I have better than average social skills, and a way with words, and I like to notice patterns and draw conclusions. But in the end, I don’t know anything. I don’t know if you will understand what I’m trying to communcate. I don’t even know whether I existed yesterday, whether anything is real.
So yeah… I don’t quite know where I was going with this writing either…