Spider Tortoise (Pyxis arachnoides) 

via: American Museum of Natural History

Submarine with periscope

Toes and I hope you all have a happy Friday!!! Don’t forget to eat your greens and stay hydrated 🐢

It’s always turtle time here! 🐢🐢🐢

A monstrous turtle emerges from the muck.

Its gigantic.

Look closely - a typically-sized Midwestern turtle sits next to its foot.

It must be close to its size-limit, with a possible 30-inch diameter shell and weighing well in an excess of 100 pounds. Its possible that this beast is 40+ years old.

@turtlessuggest

this image is slaughtering me

Jennifer Slopez once she gets past that gate

@turtlessuggest

trying to decide if i'd rather be a tortoise or a turtle. on the one hand I prefer dry land, on the other hand turtles can breathe out of their cloacae so. it's tricky

hmm have you considered something like a snapping turtle? can live on dry land if it wants to and just go to the water for a nice splash splash

that'll work

so we have these in North Carolina and they are Menaces (note the capital M) but not in the way that you would think. no. you don’t step into a pond and go “ouchie my foot, a snapping turtle bit me.” (they’re actually very friendly in water so long as you don’t bother them). no no, these fuckers LOVE scorching hot concrete. and they’re BIG.

Most commonly you’ll see one chilling in the middle of the road like a little goomba waiting to wreck your car tire. So you gotta stop and move them which involves awkwardly lugging this flailing, hissing turtle well off the road and into the forest where you pray it will stay.

Now, I know they’re called snapping turtles, and they do snap, WHICH IN ALL DUE FAIRNESS is BAD for the person moving the turtle out of the road.

BUT.

THEY HAVE CLAWS.

Remember when I said “flailing”?

Yeah, it’s easy to avoid the beak but it is NOT easy to avoid those feet. they will fuck you up with their sword-feet.

So, my advice, as a North Carolinian, on moving snapping turtles off roads: Let someone else do it :)

And hey! If i wanted to be a turtle, i’d pick this one! no one’s messing with me!

no one.

Beautiful.

@willowbane are these things of a size where a snow shovel might be a useful implement of hazard-removal? I assume it'd have to be a real heavy-duty one, not one of the flimsy little collapsible popsicle sticks that are what most people have stashed in the back seat footwell somewhere...

*ahem*

To answer your question, here is the following:

i did some research and the research says… maybe???

while this would probably work better from a safety standpoint…

…no one in North Carolina keeps a snow shovel in their vehicle (we're southern, please forgive us). also, snapping turtles are still kinda squishy, at least their legs are, so i would be concerned about cutting the turtle while scooping it since decent snow shovels are usually made of metal and are pretty sharp.

Instead, here is a helpful guide on how to pick up a snapping turtle:

So. You have encountered a turtle…

…and it is filled with the burning rage of a thousand suns because, dear god, you, mortal flesh pod, have decided to move it from its Sunny Spot™️

Question is, how does one go about doing this?

Well, friend, first you approach the turtle from BEHIND (to avoid the beak, chase after it, etc, etc)

You’ve made it this far so now you’re going to want to pick this bad boy up.

In order to avoid walking away from this looking like you just fought with a rotating sphere of knives, pick up the turtle towards the back of its shell but in front of the hind legs:

Then, you’re going to pick the turtle up and lug it across the road in the direction it was facing/walking. They know where they’re going, they have turtle instincts. Trust the turtle instincts.

Now, it is important that you’re only picking this turtle up a few inches off the ground because 1) they are very heavy and if you drop it, you only want it falling a few inches and 2) there’s just less flailing if they can see the ground.

after awkwardly shuffle-walking to the curb, set the turtle down (gently) and watch it waddle into the undergrowth!

You did it!

Thank you for the helpful guide! This is almost completely right except for one very important thing: if you absolutely have to pick up the turtle, please make sure you do so by gripping the underside of the shell and support the body as well. As you note, snapping turtles are squishy and heavy and just gripping the top shell can put undue stress on the joints where the bottom shell joins and it can separate causing damage and pain.

Also pro tip: keep heavy leather work gloves in your car and use them. It won't stop them from biting (they can bite your finger clean off) but it will help protect against the claws and give you more confidence in your grip.

i'm STILL not over

My spouse has so many stories about being a designated family Turtle Mover. One spot in his childhood yard was the sunny spot that a turtle had decided very firmly was Hers, and to protect the family dogs, my spouse enacted more and more extreme turtle moving maneuvers (eventually going up to a wheelbarrow and a longish walk to the nearest river) to encourage her to move along to a different sunny spot, because otherwise she just kept coming back.

This summer he got his practice in turtle moving when one ended up in our ditch and made serious moves towards I Can Take Your Car In a Fight, Actually.

Some folks just got turtle karma.

When I was a kid a snapping turtle took up residence in the middle of our street, and for some reason decided I looked tasty, and CHASED ME DOWN YHE FUCKING STREET. A neighbor yanked me into her house and called the school to be like “yeah there’s a snapping turtle the size of a manhole cover outside my door and it almost took Nina’s foot of, xe’s gonna be late today and I’ll bring xir in when the animal control people deal with the turtle”

And if you want to know how dangerous a full-grown snapping turtle can be

The school’s response to this was basically “valid, we’ll let the teacher know, please do not open the door.”

@turtlessuggest

Please allow me to introduce my Tiffany turtle. 🥰 🐢

Sooo, I recently had this reblog to grace my dash with an awesome crochet 'stained glass square' by Cookie Snob Crochet.

The square was still floating through my daydreams when the dock turtles (yellow belly slider terrapins) arrived for their afternoon snack.

I really couldn't NOT do the crochet, right? I mean, just crochet the stained glass circle part and then cap it for a shallow bowl shape.

My Tiffany's feets were fashioned after the 'baby sea turtle' by Whistle and Ivy. I think they worked perfectly for this project.

Tiff's belly was made flat and stitched with a wide hem on her front side to better display her signature 'yellow belly'. 🐢

Thank you! 😁

@turtlessuggest

Weirdo Wednesday

Welcome back! This week’s weirdo is…

The leatherback sea turtle: Dermochelys coriacea

Coming in a whopping 2,200 pounds, the leatherback is the largest turtle species in the world! They also have the widest distribution and can be found in warm and temperate waters of the Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian oceans, but they have been seen as far north as Alaska! While this nomadic weirdo is not limited in terms of traveling, they always return to the same spots for nesting. Nesting takes place in tropical areas like Puerto Rico, Florida, and the Virgin Islands. The leatherback also holds the record for deepest diving turtle, at almost 4,000ft below (deeper than some marine mammals!). 

Is that skin or shell?

This species of turtle looks a little different from others. While most sea turtles have scales and an exposed shell, this weirdo has a thick layer of what looks like leather covering its body and shell. They have interlocking dermal bones under their skin protecting their shell and bones. The reason for this fascinating adaptation is that the leatherback is better equipped for long distance foraging trips in colder waters. The theory is supported by their extra long, paddle-shaped front flippers. This is how they can hold the deepest dive record, and travel to Alaska! But this isn’t the only weird thing about them. Have you ever seen inside their mouth?

You may notice that they lack chewing plates seen in other turtles, which limits their prey from hard-bodied organisms to those with soft, gelatinous ones. The spines (papille) go all the way down their throat and protect the turtle from digesting venom. That’s right! This weirdo feeds on jellies and salps! And they eat a lot of them.

Conservation

It’s not easy being a sea turtle. Your first moments of life are a mad dash to the ocean, outrunning predators! Assuming they survive to adulthood (most hatchlings don’t), their problems only increase. Lot’s of turtles become bycatch to shrimp trawls and gillnets. Human activity has caused a significant amount of habitat loss. Nesting grounds have been reduced as more people want to stay at beachside hotels, and coral reefs where they would normally feed are slowly dying off. There’s also still a huge problem of poaching eggs and illegal turtle trade. Plastic pollution has caused problems as well since a plastic bag vaguely resembled a tasty jelly to a leatherback. All of these issues have caused a rapid population decline and the Pacific population is most at risk of going extinct. The WWF has been working with fishermen to reduce bycatch and encourage local communities to protect nesting grounds. Due to. their nomadic nature, protection isn’t easy, but it’s necessary if they’re to continue controlling the jellyfish population. 

I know this was a sad one but there is hope! Check out this video of a local who made a difference in his area for the sea turtles!

Albino baby turtle,

Yey! He's going to be ok! I was worried about him. :)