I don’t even know

my mom was trying to chew through some really tough steak and she turned to me and said “just call me The Gnawer.” she would do numbers here

she told me she doesn't remember saying this. quote, "must have been steak-induced hysteria"

Fun fact: Arizona is the only place in the country where the state mine inspector is an elected position

Another fun fact: this is one of my favorite political ads of all time, straight out of 2014

I forgot vampire bats were a thing and thought they were referring to the folklore kind of vampire

the subtle advocation for kids to be playing in the abandoned copper mines is also not great

I’m visiting my friend right now in her 18th century home she’s restoring where the lights don’t work in one part of the house, creeping to the bathroom like some sort of haunt, feeling for the walls with rising dread, utterly lost in the perfect darkness, like Jonathan Harker in Dracula’s castle, if Jonathan Harker were the sort of person to trip and stand there cringing in the night as his can of trader joe’s sparkling rhubarb-strawberry juice bangs all the way down the oaken staircase, one step at a time, the cacophony of a freight train, and then proceed to practically crawl through the remaining dark to the bathroom for a washcloth, to wipe up the trader joe’s sparkling rhubarb-strawberry juice before it can soak into the wood floor, with the fevered terror of lady macbeth hallucinating blood on her hands

you may ask why I didn’t use my phone flashlight and why I decided to take my can of trader joe’s sparkling rhubarb-strawberry juice with me to the bathroom in utter darkness at the precipice of the steepest staircase ever contrived

and to that I say, Jonathan Harker was also kind of stupid

Saw this tweet foever ago n now i keep thinkin bout how making any character ever Canadian is funny as fuck. Theyre all canadian now

being a vampire rn is really hard bc of the housing crisis like. older vampires do Not get it. if you were turned in France in 1350 I literally do not want to hear about it from you. do you know how hard it is to lure a young lawyer to your home when you have roommates?? and the roommates aren’t your accursed brides for the record. they’re just some dudes. one of them is a middle school teacher.

not to mention some landlords these days will even just straight up use the basement in the place YOU’RE renting for their own storage?? so you can’t even access the basement so you’re not sleeping in soil down there.

my one friend literally pays $1300 a month for a STUDIO and she just has a bunch of soil in a big plastic tub and she has to sleep with her knees all bent up.

and like at least she can lure artists there pretty easily because it’s like very industrial

but idk. and older vampires will be like “a year of your rent costs more than my entire manor and all of its grounds! why don’t you simply buy an estate?”

yeah dude I don’t doubt that you bought your entire manor and the monastic ruins and its cemetery and the haunted woods for €4,000 in fucking 1708!!! DUH!!! Fuck off

I feel like people really underestimate the impact that your mode of transportation has on how you see and think about and interact with your city. Like, driving makes your city feel like a few islands, pockets of space where you regularly go and new ones you discover only when brought there for a purpose, but all amidst an ocean of just, filler. Taking public transit makes your city feel like a network of corridoors, a glowing grid along which you may discover new things, but whose alternate winding paths you only take when given to by circumstance. Cycling makes your city feel more human in its scale, and while you can only go so far, the spaces through which you travel are far more often built for people, not machines, and that difference is tangible, while your freedom of movement gives you more opportunities for exploration. Walking can only take you so far, but you see everything meant for you along those places, and every street feels like it carries potential, with no barriers to stopping and partaking of whatever piques your interest. I think, among these, driving is the one that by far most isolates you from the place you live, while the others are, in decreasing order, most utilitarian, and in increasing order, most personally connective to your shared space.

just asked my professor if he wants to feature on a song LMFAO

he said yes

this man is twisted. Sick .