✉ x3

okay   i   see   ya’ll   making   bitchy   ole   me   compliment.   (   in   all   honesty   this   was   hard   to   pick   only   3   )

@saraqxeen   could   write   circles   around   me   &&   i’m   so   honored   to   be   able   to   revive   oliver   &&   sara   with   her.   she   is   my   best   friend   both   on   tumblr   &&   outside   of   here,   when   everything   is   going   wrong   i   know   that   i   will   always   have   her   to   fall   back   on.   she’s   so   talented   with   her   characterization   &&   without   her,   there   wouldn’t   be   me.   you’ve   heard   it   all   before.

@lagaudiiere   i   could   fucking   cry   about   how   much   i   love   her.   i   think   some   people   just   *click*   &&   the   funniest   thing   is   about   4   years   back   we   had   this   weird   conversation   where   she   was   mad   at   me   for   shitting   on   laurel   x   oliver   lmao,   she   was   the   reason   i   started   shipping   them   &&   i’m   so   lucky   to   be   able   to   rp   them   with   her.   she’s   also   why   i   picked   up   caleb   haas   as   a   muse   again   &&   i   had   forgotten   how   much   i   loved   that   idiot   &&   missed   him.      i’m   so   sad   she’s   so   busy   this   semester   but   i’m   so   proud   of   my   lil   scholar   out   there   doing   well   in   school.   

@leaderbcrn​   is   like   not   even   on   tumblr   anymore   unless   she   is   lurking   but   if   ya’ll   like   my   blog   you   should   send   a   thank   you   to   her   bc   she’s   the   only   reason   that   i   was   in   indie   rp   or   why   i   stuck   around   for   so   long   in   the   first   place.   we   have   taken   wild   trips   to   disney/universal/canada/new   york   &&   there   is   god   –   8   years   of   friendship   between   us   now   ????   holy   fuck   we’re   getting   old.   i   met   her   in   this   god   awful   rpg   &&   from   then   she’s   been   my   canadian   princess.   i   love   our   discord   writing   &&   i   had   missed   writing   with   her   SO   fucking   much   &&   i’m   so   happy   to   have   her   talent   back.   this   is   my   OG   homegirl.   

❝ I guess we’re here for the whole night. ❞

           At   first   he   hadn’t   even   realized   she   was   there,   his   face   buried   in   his   hands.   His   head   throbbed   almost   as   much   as   his   CHEST,   he   was   HAUNTED   as   if   that   single   five   seconds   of   the   blonde   before   him   in   his   father’s   arms   was   enough   to   cause   him   pain   that   would   linger   for   a   lifetime.   He   should   be   used   to   it   now   –   where   Shelby   was   concerned,   he   DOUBTED   that   wound   would   ever   close.   Instead   maybe   one   day   a   scar   would   form   where   he   attempted   to   stitch   the   broken   pieces   back   together.   How   do   you   even   begin   to   get   over   a   woman   who   REMINDED   him   what   it   was   like   to   LOVE     –   to   be   loved   in   a   way   that   made   him   feel   that   he   BELONGED.   She   had   been   this   wildfire   that   spread   through   his   system,   wiping   out   everything   in   her   path,   leaving   nothing   but   ASH   in   her   wake.   What   did   they   say   about   tempting   an   inferno   ?   He   was   BOUND   to   be   burned.   Sucking   in   a   breath,   a   poor   attempt   to   gather   himself,   to   force   the   tears   that   glossed   his   eyes   to   dissipate   –   she   didn’t   get   to   DESTROY   him   again,   or   at   least   she   didn’t   get   the   satisfaction   of   knowing   she   still   COULD.      Ice   coats   his   foggy   hues   when   he   finally   looks   up,   head   tilting   –      did   she   think   a   haircut   &&   pantsuit   would   disguise   the   lonely   GIRL   who   hid   under   the   surface   ?   Did   she   do   it   for   CLAYTON   ?      ❝   Do   you   think   you’re   the   first   Barbie   he’s   brought   to   New   York   to   play   with   ?   ❞   Did   she   think   she   was   SPECIAL   ?   That   his   father   wouldn’t   dump   her   into   the   toy   box   as   soon   as   she   wasn’t   SHINY   &&   new.   Clayton   Haas   was   nothing   more   than   feral   feline,   canary   feathers   slipping   free   from   his   grin   –   but   here’s   the   part   she   had   yet   to   learn,   once   the   HUNT   is   done,   he   always   crawled   HOME.      

          He’s   exhausted   the   BETTER   part   of   his   night   digging   through   countless   hours   of   footage,   erasing   their   affair,   if   only   it   were   that   EASY.   It’s   almost   comical,   he   never   thought   when   he   finally   got   the   JOB   he’s   been   dreaming   about   since   he   was   a   kid,   he’d   have   to   use   it   to   clean   up   the   woman   he   LOVED   &&   his   father’s   MESS.      Caleb’s   stomach   flips   at   the   thought   of   his   MENTOR   knowing   what   her   skin   felt   like   –   that   the   man   he   so   desperately   needed   to   impress,   knew   what   it   was   like   to   be   CONSUMED   by   the   feeling   of   her   lips   against   his.   She’s   like   a   PHANTOM   pain   –   a   lingering   SPACE   for   something   he   lost,   the   memories   kept   alive   by   his   subconscious   to   DRIVE   the   fact   that   he   spent   his   ENTIRE   life   thinking   he   wasn’t   good   enough   but   she   was   the   ONE   person   who   made   him   think   maybe   he   WAS.      ❝   Do   you   need   something   or   are   you   waiting   for   the   congrats   on   finally   fulfilling   that   DADDY   kink   of   yours   ?      ❞   He’s   dismissing   her   for   the   singular   reason   that   he   doesn’t   know   how   long   he   can   STAND   to   be   in   her   ORBIT   without   being   pulled   back   in.   Your   heart   is   encased   by   twenty   four   slender   curved   bones   with   the   unique   purpose   of   PROTECTING   the   organ   –   but   what   happens   when   a   single   gaze   has   the   power   to   CRACK   the   foundation,   what   becomes   of   your   heart   then   ?   It’s   left   vulnerable   –   that’s   what   she   makes   him,   &&   he   can’t   AFFORD   the   price   it   takes   to   love   her.   (     SPOILER   –   that   doesn’t   stop   him   from   doing   it   anyway   )

“ i did what i had to do. ” from emma?

    the   laugh   that   leaves   you    is   nothing   short   of   humorless   and   bitter   and   there’s   an   obvious   hurt   that   clings   to   not   only   that   ,   but   within   your   very   core   .   “   what   you   had   to   do   ?   “   mocking   and   your   eyes   glisten   with   a   cold   anger   that   you   never   want   to   direct   at   her   of   all   people   ,   but   you’re   so   damn   angry   .   at   her   ,   for   using   your   brother   to   make   you   stop   loving   her   as   if   you   could   .   at   shadowhunters   and   their   stupid   fucking   laws   that   forbid   you   from   being   with   the   one   person   ,   the   only   person   you   want   .   at   the   whole   universe   within   this   very   moment   .   “   do   you   have   any   idea   how   much   it   hurt   to   see   you   with   him   and   how   much   i   hated   myself   knowing   that  i   was   so   jealous   of   my   own   brother   because   he   could   be   with   you   and   i   couldn’t   ?   “   your   voice   is   rising   and   you   hate   it   ,   angel   ,   you   hate   it   .   you   don’t   want   to   fight   with   her   .   never   her   ,   but   you’re   overwhelmed   .   aching   .   “   don’t   you   dare   tell   me   you   did   what   you   had   to   for   us   .   you   did   it   for   yourself   .  “   words   spew   like   venom   despite   knowing   it’s   the   furthest   thing   from   the   truth   .  “   i   told   you   that   we’d   figure   it   out   and   you   decided   that   it   was   better   to   use   mark   .   you   did   what   you   wanted   to   do   ,   emma   .   not   what   you   had   to   .   “

❛ i never stopped loving you. ❜ :) :) shaleb

   Something about DEPENDENCY is that it doesn’t always appear in the most obvious ways. It takes it’s form in a petite blonde with a knife in the SHAPE of her mouth, in the way toxins from a POPPY SEED flow through his veins making him leave his life behind for JUST a blissful moment, in the way the smoke billows from the end of his cigarette, filling his lungs with ASH while concurrently giving him a sense of PEACE. There’s a long list of things that he’s CRAVED, unfortunately it generally included things that were HAZARDOUS to his well being — SHELBY WYATT being at the top of said list. There’s a reason he’s never opened up again after his time spent in that CULT – it’s the same reason he didn’t feel a substantial amount of PEACE until he had went undercover to dissemble the very thing that nearly DESTROYED him. He had just been a KID – looking in all the wrong places for acceptance that his father never gave, he had been so DESPERATE to feel normal, he opened himself up to a manipulation that tore him int pieces, Caleb no longer TRUSTED the simplicity of being LOVED. It’s why his first instinct was to SABOTAGE anything that had the potential of ruining him. Except with her – it wasn’t intentional, && in the end, as much blame as she had put on him, he wasn’t the one that CLOSED that door.      && he wasn’t the one who kept TRYING to open it, allowing the skeletons of their story to crumble to the floor in front of them. He came here because she NEEDED his help, this charade, it wasn’t SUBSTANTIAL, it wasn’t meant to function properly. How could it ? You ever hear the one about the ADDICT who was able to take one hit && walk away ? Neither had he, && he knew it wasn’t going to curb the HUNGER.  See, he wasn’t the only one familiar with USING – she had her own method of it, she was an addict of her own kind, addicted to the SORROW that swallowed her, addicted to the JOB that she had so desperately needed to feel whole, she may not share the SCARS that tarnish his veins, but her’s were there, buried underneath the ARMOR she cast in the kiln of her PAST. He’s AWARE of her presence before she speaks, as if there’s an alarm that goes off in his mind any time she’s near, WARNING him to prepare himself, to throw those walls up against her BATTERING ram she claims to know nothing about. It’s a COMFORTABLE silence at first, the air carrying the smoke he exhaled while he WAITED for her to form her words, he knew that look on her face, the way a weight was pressing down on her squared shoulders, she wanted to ADMIT something, && he was going to let it hit him like a TIDE threatening to pull him out to the bleak oblivion. Normally he’d throw out a quip into the space, a LIFE LINE for her to grasp onto, but when had she ever really NEEDED saving anyway ?     FOR SO LONG, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REALIZED WHY I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE YOU. BECAUSE I DO. CALEB, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. BUT I KNOW THAT YOU’LL HURT ME. AGAIN && AGAIN.  It’s a memory that had haunted him from the moment he watched the words fall from her lips, each syllable sending a SHARP ache through his system, so he WAITS, he waits for the BUT, this time – he waits for the inevitable CRASH of the wave against the rocky shore, splitting into nothingness BEFORE returning to Poseidon. The former analyst loses track of the seconds that span into quietness of her confession, his lips parted as the SHOCK begins flooding his bloodstream. He couldn’t HEAR over the static in his ears, the REVELATION pulling him from a place of SAFTEY right into oncoming traffic. ❝ SHELBY —–– ❞ The soft mutter of her name carried off with the wind, he should LEAVE, he should SLAM this door shut && bolt it before she realizes what she’s DONE, what monster she’s allowed to creep from it’s hiding place, but he finds that for once in his life, he doesn’t have any WORDS to say && he can’t FORCE his feet to move him in the right direction. INSTEAD he finds himself moving toward her, plugging himself back into her CIRCUT, not giving a damn about every THREAT of being shorted out.     THIN digits frame her face before he pulls her into him, while his free hand expands the small of her back, chapped lips DUSTING against hers rose tinted ones, he had almost forgotten what HOME tasted like. He had NEARLY forgotten how easy it was to get lost in her, how truly COMPELLING her mere presence was. So here it is, here’s where he REALIZES where his true addiction started, here’s where REALITY makes it’s mark – that anger that sat in his gut, bubbling over the surface at the sight of her was nothing more than BURIED disappointment – for letting her WALK away, for HIDING from the one thing that could have SAVED this, for words he hid within letters at no time meant to come from HIS heart. The cool skin of his nose barely brushes against hers, a smile curling his lips in a free way that it hadn’t in YEARS – this is what true NIRVANA felt like, this is the notion he had tricked himself into believing HEROIN could fill, an ecstasy that wasn’t SHORT LIVED, a breath of air pushes through his nostrils as he MARVELS at the moment, of hearing the confirmation of her love without worrying when the other shoe would DROP.  ❝ I never really KNEW what love was until I met YOU –  ❞ She had saved him from parts of himself he hadn’t even known he was running from, she made him WANT to be better, to be something his father thought he wasn’t capable of. ❝ Shelby – I LOVE YOU,  I always have. ❞

‘ hey. you awake? ‘ from blue

@lagaudiiere   ;   good morning & good night   .

I'm sorry you didn't ask for this but “It’s the same every time I close my eyes" (from Jemma)

PART 2   //   read part one here   //  @lagaudiiere :  JEMMA SIMMONS.

         eventually he gained enough courage to sit beside her on the bed though he still left a substantial amount of space between them. the two looked out the window in silence until jemma broke that silence, speaking almost so quietly grant had to strain his ears to hear. it’s the same every time i close my eyes. once the words registered in his mind, his body stiffened fractionally, jaw clenching. they both knew what she was talking about, or at least grant thought he knew. it reminded him of his time in the vault—the amount of flashbacks, of vivid memories that tortured him night after night, day after day—any time he’d close his eyes, sometimes even when he was so delirious he’d see them with his eyes open.          but this wasn’t about him suffering with the guilty conscious, this was about jemma suffering with the aftermath of his actions. what was he supposed to say? sorry? that he didn’t mean for the pod to sink for the umpteenth millionth time? none of it mattered. because of what he did she saw his face every time she closed her eyes. saw him watching her and fitz as they plummeted. that she had to make decisions she never should have had to, to have her best friend nearly torn from her—that fitz nearly died. that he would never be the same and it was all his fault.           he glanced at her, just barely as if the shame of his actions were too heavy, as if the guilt of seeing her face in such despair made his joints ache and grind like unoiled gears. but she didn’t look like she was in despair, she just looked tired which was almost worse in grant’s opinion. he pressed his lips together, swallowing back any pathetic attempt of comforting he’d been about to offer, knowing, or at least thinking that it would only hinder rather than help.           grant could tell she was trying to be strong and over the past couple weeks he had noticed just how strong she really was. his opinion of her shifted, changing only slightly. he had always thought of her as brave and strong-willed even if she was the less obvious of the bus kids with her softer exterior but she was indeed a lot stronger than he had given her credit. to be able to do her job as an undercover spy after everything that had happened. maybe she saw it as running away but for someone who’s entire SHIELD life was undercover, he knew how exhausting it was, how hard it was—how strong someone had to be.            the silence after her spoken words lingered between them and he wondered if she maybe thought he hadn’t heard her. he almost wished he hadn’t because there was nothing he could do. exhaling softly, grant placed his hands on his thighs before lifting from the bed as it creaked in relief. “ …you’ll be reunited with your team soon.” he said in a quiet voice, not really sure why he thought that would help, but he was sure they could help more than he could. 

           slowly he turned to head back over to his bed before he paused, glancing at the back of jemmas silhouette as he spoke. “ i know you don’t believe me or forgive me… but… i am sorry for what happened… for what i did. ” he dropped his gaze to the floor, waiting only a moment before he headed over to his bed, retreating like the coward he was.

“I can’t sleep” from Jemma

PART 1  //   @lagaudiiere :  JEMMA SIMMONS.

            grant wasn’t sleeping either, he had been sitting on the ratty old motel bed, his elbows resting on his knees as he stared at the door that connected his room and jemmas. it’d be safer if the two stayed in the same room, the rooms even had two beds each but he respected her privacy and understood why she wouldn’t want to—he was a monster, a traitor, a horrible being who felt nothing, who couldn’t be trusted—who hurt her and the people she cared for most.             at first when he heard the soft and hesitant knock, he thought he was hearing things. that there would be no way she’d knock on his door, that he was so sure she’d rather be alone than see him but after a moment, he blinked, rising from the bed with a creak as he walked over to the door he’d been watching for the past hour and a half. opening it, he then suddenly felt the panic rise in his chest, his body stiffening. what if someone had gotten in? what if hydra found them? but why would they knock? was this a trap? his mind spun, eyes darkening as his free hand reached back to the back of his pants for his gun. it was all in a short couple of seconds that vanished when he saw her standing there, looking up at him with tired eyes.

             lips parted to ask her what was wrong but she spoke before he had the chance. he wasn’t quite sure what she expected him to do about it, how he would be able to help her at all but he stepped aside allowing her to enter. he kept the door between their rooms ajar a little to keep her from feeling trapped and watched as she sat down on the bed that wasn’t in use by the window.               he wasn’t quite sure what to do, whether she wanted him to do anything or not. biting his lip, he walked over to the mini fridge, taking out a five dollar bottle of water that he’d have to pay for tomorrow and walked over to her. he kept his movements slow and fluid—not slow enough to be interpreted as stalking but not quick enough to startle her. “ here… ” he said quietly, holding the bottle out to her, it was all he could really offer. he studied her features in the moonlight as she took the water, almost seeing a thank you ghost on her lips.               grant felt a pain in his chest whenever he looked at her too long, it being a constant reminder of what he had done to her, to fitz. the scene playing over as if it was yesterday. he wondered if she felt that way too, if everytime she saw him it was the same. he was surprised she hadn’t tried to kill him yet even if she couldn’t, especially with the look he’d see in her eyes sometimes. the anger she tried to keep down. there was no amount of apologizing to make up for what he’d done and he didn’t expect her or any of the team to forgive him but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to make it up to them. which was what he hoped he was doing now. hydra knew simmons was a mole and hiding her from their wrath, protecting her was his attempted way of trying to prove he wasn’t all bad. that he still cared about her, about the team.                   he stood there quietly, gaze drifting from jemma as she took a sip of the water, to the window she was looking out. grant wondered what she was thinking, wondered if he even wanted to know or if he already knew due to rational reasoning. he wanted to tell her she was safe, wanted to tell her that she would be reunited with the team soon enough but he couldn’t. he knew his words were meaningless to her after what he did. how could he promise she was safe when he was the one who almost killed her? it didn’t matter about his intentions, or the fact that he thought the pod would float. it didn’t and from her eyes he still tried to kill her, that he almost quite literally killed fitz.

💏 umm surprise me? more like kill me probably

send me a 💏 and i will randomize a number in order for my muse to kiss yours | accepting.

his father tells him , quite often , he is never allowed to apologize. he is not BUILT to apologize. a prince and an heir and a king and a god , there is no place in this world for regrets of such menial and mundane justifications. and evan has never uttered the words —even under the heaviest hands and the stench of his father’s whiskey— but he senses when they linger on his tongue like the scorched amber. he knows when he means them. he knows when they plague him.

and they have plagued him every night and many days since he last saw mary macdonald. 

he didn’t come here with a motive. he follows silent through the halls , watching , waiting , chasing away the rats that inhabit the dungeons alongside him. an angel… of death ? of mercy ? a guardian or a guide , somehow , without light ? whatever he is , whatever he may be , she will not see what he sees , and he accepts that. even now , as she waits for him to speak his peace , her eyes vigilant , receptive to every motion of his hand or flicker of his eyes. she may or may not know this , but in this moment , evan rosier is far more scared of mary macdonald than mary macdonald is afraid of him. 

and rightfully so. 

“ what i said , what i meant by it , i never meant that i was perfect. i can’t even say i am better. but i am not them. i’m not him. you don’t - i mean that in every way i possibly can. i don’t… ”

HE’S SAID ALL THIS ALREADY !!! the blood caked on his knuckles tells them both otherwise , and it doesn’t matter if it came streaming from mulciber’s lip. the point is that it came. the point is that he hurts. the point is that he is just as much a weapon as the rest of them.

the point is that he didn’t save her. 

and yet here he is , asking her to save him. PATHETIC. 

“ i’d never ask you for anything without earning it. you know that , don’t you? ” he hisses as if he’s burned himself , looking away in shame. “ of course you don’t. you wouldn’t. i - i want to earn it , whatever it is you want to give me. or - what you would if… if i— ”

 but words betray him. his palms are sweating , and she looks as though she is more repulsed by what he isn’t saying than what he is. and so he PANICS , this desperate need for sincere COLLIDING with this compulsive desire to BE GOOD. good for her. good to her. 

and so he does this with as much apology as he can muster , his hands gentle as they cup her cheeks , his eyes shut before he leans in , his body as malleable as wet bark , as fresh clay , at her mercy. angel or devil , that is up to her. but when he kisses her , he’s just a boy. a boy who has so much to say and no way to say it. he kisses her because he’s sorry. he kisses her because he’s ashamed. but more than anything , he kisses her because he wants to. 

because he wants to be good for her. good to her. good to himself. and he wants to say sorry to the both of them. 

“i woke up, & you were gone.” 

  ❝ Cuddle sessions cost EXTRA, G.I Jane. && I’m not getting paid enough as it is. ❞ There’s nothing but amusement coating his tone, never glancing up from pouring their cups of coffee to rightfully address her. There was SOMETHING about being back in proximity to Shelby that CHIPPED away at those walls he had so carefully built up around himself. He’s spent the better part of the last couple years FOCUSING on himself, on discovering who he was without his father looming over his shoulder, expecting him to fail. Law school had been a DISTRACTION, it hadn’t been what he had DREAMED but it was a step away from the shadow his family casted. It’s probably why leaving && not looking back came EASIER to him than he cared to admit – just because he was GOOD at it, didn’t mean he liked it. Instead he found himself falling into FAMILIAR routines with his ( what he used loosely  ) friends && HER, pretending to be something with her that he had all too many memories to draw on for. There had been a time in his life when he thought that she was IT – a brief second where he thought that MAYBE they’d make it but who was he kidding ? They were more DOOMED than a teenage romance on one of those shows he used to catch her binging.    The next move made is one out of HABIT – a muscle memory from a time where waking up with her was simply part of a ROUTINE. It’s something he hadn’t even realized he missed – the normalcy of untangling himself from her grasp in the morning. Handing her the steaming mug, his mouth NEARLY brushing against hers before he has to remind himself that they AREN’T at Quantico && she’s only here to push away his BROTHER. Clearing his throat as he puts distance between them, features blank as he ignores his previous SLIP, lifting himself onto the counter in a singular movement, his normal smirk finding it’s place at the corner of his lips. There are a couple quiet PAUSES before he regains his composure, purposely IGNORING the fact she was wearing HIS shirt from all those years ago. TRUTH is – he hadn’t minded her frame pushed up against his, her light breaths ticking his chest, blonde strands fanned out as she finally allowed herself some sort of rest. As easy as it was to forget the WEIGHT she carried on her shoulders when she stands as if NOTHING could hold her down, he hadn’t forgotten her mention of the LACK of sleep she was getting. It makes him wonder if the team had any idea how far she was willing to PUSH herself.  ❝ MODEL MAGIC left for the day so you’re in the CLEAR. ❞