Beauregard Lionett - Strength

Attempted to take a cute video of my cats licking each other, and then this happened… 

(via)

anyone remember how in pokemon xy honedge would let you touch its cloth at low affection but starts to dislike that when you increase affection and then its pokedex entry is like “it uses the cloth to drain people’s life energy” motherfucker is literally ready to kill you at first

it said go ahead and touch the cloth. fuck around and find out.

Brian's Injury (x)

Beau~

❤️ Happy Five Years ❤️

Jester now in color! <3

*lovingly slaps ur ass to give u guidance*

Which avatars are most likely to be dissuaded by a locked door?

Elias Bouchard (Jonah Magnus)

We have previous canon evidence that Elias is weak to doors. Martin was burning statements and he was forced to ask him to stop from outside until he could go get a key. Maybe he could break it down, but he would never lower himself to that.

There is a 1/5 chance that Elias will be able to get through your door. (Just remember to bring the key in with you.)

Peter Lukas

Peter definitely can’t get through a locked door. He’s old and too physically frail to break it down. He’s also extremely incompetent, so even if he can afford to hire a locksmith, he probably wouldn’t think of it. He may try to manipulate you into opening the door, but just ignore him as he isn’t very convincing. 

There is a 0/5 chance that Peter can get you through a locked door. 

Jude Perry

Jude is a serial arsonist, and so has experience circumventing home security. In all likelihood, a locked door means nothing to her. If Jude Perry is at the other side of your door, your time in this world is limited. Try to find another exit. Do not stop to collect keepsakes, that’s exactly what she wants you to do.

There is a 5/5 chance that Jude is getting through your door as we speak.

Mike Crew

Mike’s specialties are making people fall off things and also making others experience vertigo. None of these things allow him to unlock a door. He is also described as short in canon, so he may not be able to kick down the door. HOWEVER, is it very possible that Mike could enter your house from above through a chimney or skylight. Do not get complacent.

There is a 3/5 chance that Mike would eventually figure out a way past your door. (Consider offering Mike hospitality if he does enter your home. He values politeness and may forget that he was planning to kill you.)

Michael Shelley / Helen Richardson

You are NOT safe. Both of these entities are DOOR EXPERTS. The status of your door, secure or not, is meaningless. However, Michael has displayed a marked vulnerability to having his own door locked. Your only other option is to appeal to their senses of humor. Try to convince them that you are funnier alive than dead.

There is a 4.9/5 chance you will enter the corridors of the Spiral and be consumed, unless you manage to force a hard reset of the avatar in question and buy yourself some more time.

Jared Hopworth

The door never stood a chance. Jared has a grotesque number of arms and each one of them is capable of ripping your door off its hinged. He may knock first, but only for his own amusement. Use this time to run. You will most probably be caught and de-boned, but it’s worth a try.

There is a 5/5 chance that Jared will get through your door. Use the time you have left to decide which bones you would most like to keep, if asked.

Annabelle Cane

You’re not safe, but there’s no need to worry about the structural integrity of your door. You check the door, just to be sure, and it’s unlocked for some reason. You go to lock it, but instead you open it. Annabelle’s outside, and you invite her in. She’s always welcome here.

There is a 5/5 chance that you will discover that Annabelle is a good friend who belongs in your home, and had almost certainly been there the whole time.

Alice “Daisy” Tonner

You should have just let her in, but now she’s drawn her gun and shot the lock. Even if she hadn’t been armed, she’s police trained and can break down a door with ease. If you had met her later on, she might have respected that you didn’t want her to come in, but unfortunately, you didn’t. 

There is a 4/5 chance that you are going to take a walk in the forest with Officer Tonner.

Jonathan Sims

Jon has very little capability to bypass a locked door. He can’t break it down, and he has no weapon nor lockpicking ability. However, he doesn’t need to get through the door to ask questions. Keep a good distance from the door, and wait for him to get discouraged and leave. Resist the urge to come within earshot and taunt him, as that is what he will be waiting for.

There is a 0/5 chance that Jon will get through your door, but a 3/5 chance that he won’t need to.

Melanie King

Melanie’s primary weapon is her knife, which is not especially effective at opening locked doors. She will likely be coming after you in a blind rage, and this will hinder her problem-solving capabilities. By the time she remembers that she knows how to pick locks, she has already lost interest in killing you.

There is a 2/5 chance that Melanie will be able to stab a big enough hole in your door to chase you through. Try to leave more than one door between you and her.

Simon Fairchild

This man never even sees your door. There are footsteps on the ceiling. He’s come in by parachute. You never had a chance. He’s smashed through your skylight and turned your living room into the inside of a wind tunnel. 

6/5 THE MAD BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN.

the magnus archives are so scary I’m so glad england isn’t real

poetry

Fjord is a good egg :)