live. laugh. lobotomize me.

thinking that poor people shouldn’t reproduce is in fact still eugenics

maybe instead of blaming people for “fiscal irresponsibility” we should question a system that lets anyone of any means go hungry and uncared for

Please stop he is drowning.....

Gone forever

The fact that Tolkien realized he’d created inconsistency for LotR with the first published version of The Hobbit and then retconned it with the in universe explanation of “Bilbo is a liar,” is never going to stop being both equal parts brilliant and funny.

Typed "IKEA" into google maps and for some reason it decided to show me pretty much every single IKEA location in the nordic countries combined instead of just the one closest to me and ngl I'm kinda obsessed with this review in Sweden

Another great one

Archeologists in 3047 stomping their feet and ripping their hair out over the ruins of an apparent furniture maze

most relatable episode of malcolm in the middle is when he stops being mean for a week and gets an ulcer

me if i stopped complaining on tumblr dot com

too many movies have been ruined by not casting ugly people

tumblr users will see the word shrimp and black out and hit reblog without reading the rest of the post

Just had something really funny happen to me

While walking home, I check my pockets and find I have a joint on me. This stretch of the walk home is very empty, so I light it up and start smoking while I walk. As I get close to the next big stretch- a middle school, -I put it out. The school takes up like two blocks, and I'm at a leisurely pace, so I start really getting hit by the pot at this point. Zoning out. Someone goes "excuse me, could you help me?" so I look up.

It's this guy, in a puff vest and sweater, braces, clutching a 10$ bill. I assumed before I saw him that it was a homeless person- there are some people living around this area who panhandle by striking up conversations, and I've been around there before so I was about ready to give the guy some cash, but he's holding a ten and doesn't look like any of the people I know, just seems like some 18~19 year old. So he goes:

"Hey man, can you help me pay for a taxi?" At which point I notice a car with a taxi light ahead, "I need 7$ for my ride, but I only have this 10, and the driver won't take cash. Can you pay for me and I'll give you this 10?"

Now the average person can tell where this is going, but I'm stoned and go eh, why not. So I start walking with this guy, he asks for my name and compliments my hair, asks if I'm a student, whatever. I have the first pang of "am I being tricked?" to which I lean down to the taxi- there's no equipment in the dash, the driver is just holding a card reader, and the real kicker is

The driver is this really pasty kid in a snapback no older than 20. This kid looks just out of high school, and this taxi literally has no equipment or certification stickers, and he's barely making any attempt to sound like anything other than a teenager

At this point, I just stand up, go "...Yeah, sorry man. I'm not buying that." And start to walk away. I had my wallet out and everything. 30 seconds later I see the taxi with both of them inside round the corner, and this, this is the fucking kicker

I walk away, and 30 seconds later I see both of them in the "taxi" rounding the corner ahead of me, and the fucking taxi light was just sloppily bolted on to their like, sedan, no light or anything.

I was just so zoned out I missed it. I wish them luck on their scamming endeavors, they must be really mad they let an easy mark like me slip

I could see this burned into the front of my brain

my first favorite hobby is yapping. second is being extremely quiet and not talking ever at all ever.

you 🫵 can kiss 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨💋 a hundred 💯 boys 👨⛹️♂️ in bars 🍸🍹✨ shoot 🔫🌠 another shot 💥🎉 try to stop 🚫✋the feeling 🤭 you 🫵 can say it's just ✨the way you are✨🤥 make a new excuse 🗣️🤕 another stupid 🤡 reason 🙄 good luck babe 😘👄 WELL GOOD LUCK BABE 💥✨🌠🏳️‍🌈

whenever i'm trying to talk myself out of buying something i don't need i always hear my old russian professor's voice echoing in my head: "WHAT??? WILL YOU DIE THE RICHEST MAN IN THE GRAVEYARD?" and then i make an unwise financial decision

i'm so glad i happened to see these tags this is the best thing anyone has added to this post so far

found goat milk and wheat ale at the store. theres no way im NOT making a white gilgamesh tonite

ok here we go. recipe/original post here:

i sent this post to my friend who is known for making Concoctions. thinking she'd just find it funny. i underestimated her hubris

so for anyone curious about the white gilgamesh experience. i hope this satiates that sick desire in your hearts

remember when u were like 11 and the only thing u wanted was a lava lamp

call his pussy british the way that I’m innit

does anybody else remember that reality show where they gaslit a bunch of americans into thinking they were competing to marry prince harry but it was really just some guy