updates from the primordial soup

I hate the phrase "pregnant pause" but I love the phrase "aborted gesture." tells you everything you need to know about MY politics

is that fucking TIME MAGAZINE?????

these fucking tags 😭

you will NEVER be able to guess what this post from the official US government consumer product safety commission was in response to (under the cut)

Me when a member of my Cougar Squad returns to my lair with more salacious dirt on one of my many enemies

homie is this an xmen porno

I see how you could get confused but that's actually me when a member of my Cougar Squad returns to my lair with more salacious dirt on one of my many enemies

unparalleled image

a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her, for some fucking reason "damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp" and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

a rotund figure clutching a sweet treat

Currently losing my mind over the fact they once covered a black 5 in wallpaper

I mean I'm sure it didn't look bad from a distance....

Two things about this which may provide context.

1. This travesty happened because they filmed an advert to demonstrate how hard-wearing the wallpaper paste was by plastering an entire steam locomotive.

2. Their own wallpaper paste didn't work so they ended up using another brand of paste

Yes, what would you like to ask.

AFFIRMATIONS