back from the dead

It has literally been months since I’ve been on this blog and as embarrassing as it is, it’s because I completley forgot my password a couple months ago and also didn’t have the password for the email  this account is linked to. I can’t even help but laugh becuase it’s something I would do. 

Well in a stroke of luck I somehow managed to log back in! Life has been very hectic and busy. I’m working as a full time RN and still in school but I will always have a deep love for the BTS boys and still read fanfiction in my free time. I would love to start slowly getting some inspiration back with my own writing but it will be a very slow process. 

For any of you that remember me, I’m glad to be back and hope I can grace you all with some writing in the near future. 

Despite my inactivity with all things ships and writing, I wanted to take a moment to share this with all of you. About 2 weeks ago I was on my phone, looking through some random tags when a quote came up on my screen. This particular quote is one that has been appearing in my life for about 2 years now, always coming at random times but always having the same effect on me. The quote itself says the following... "I am mine before I am anyone else's." Over the summer I have begun to promise myself that this will be my year of self love. From all that I've accomplished, I know that it's what I deserve. I want to grow happy with who I am, and be able to look at the world in different ways. I recently have gone on a date, and began talking with someone that truly makes me happy. I get giddy when I see their name on my phone, and I have a blast getting ready for our dates. When this quote came up, it was like a voice speaking to me. It told me that there was a reason this quote kept appearing in my life and that I should grasp onto it and not let it go. So a few days ago I went and had it placed in my leg. My journey of self love is only just beginning but I can't wait to see what I succeed in for the next year. 💕 to any of my followers out there, know that you deserve the same. Sweetheart how will you ever let anyone fully love you if you don't love yourself first? How will you get proper respect if you don't respect yourself first? How will you succeed without your own support? How will you soar without first believing in yourself?

Personal Update

I really wanted to make this post in light of some of the really nice messages I’ve found in my inbox, and as well as for anybody that may have been following this blog closely, and even new followers. As I’m sure at least some of you have noticed, I have been quite inactive on this blog (as well as my ship blog). I just want to say that a large reason why I have been is because of school, my mental health, and even my physical health. For anybody that may not know, I am a nursing student, and come this May, I will be graduating with my associates and RN degree. From there I plan on immediately going back to school to get my Bachelor’s degree. In recent news, I’ve also accepted a Camp Nurse position for part of the summer, while also bar tending to save up a good chunk of cash. Life has been busy, and I’m sure that many of you will understand. Because of this I want to make the announcement that while my inbox is always open, as well as my request lists, I am becoming a lot pickier when it comes to my writing. Because of all the school work and studying that I’ve been doing, writing hasn’t been my number one priority. In fact, I’ve been in quite the slump, and because of that I refuse to force myself to write. Doing that will only cause me to hate what I’m putting out and when I give you guys new material, I want you to enjoy it! Despite not being active these last few months, I’ve still been getting plenty of notes as well as followers and messages and I just want you all to know, that that’s what makes it so fun to keep revisiting my blog~ So while I hope to at least get a few drabbles out in the coming days or weeks, I want to just let you all know how grateful I truly am to have so many kind people behind me! Even if I don’t interact with you guys as much as I wish I could, ever message, like, and reblog means the world!

to pay a debt

Group/Member: BTS // Taehyung

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 3.184

Prompt: Dialogue w/ Taehyung “Just close your eyes and listen. These are things I could never tell you.”

Summary: Sort of jumped into this one without any solid ideas! School has been super busy so actually writing stuff that I’m happy with has been a little hard. Feels good to finally get something out though <3 Open for feedback and opinions~

Masterlist // AU Prompt List // Dialogue Prompt List // To Do List //   Rules

Never before had you felt a heat so intense. The way it licked your skin and made your eyes water, nerve endings becoming uncomfortable as the intensity of the flames became too much for you. Even so, it was impossible to move back; impossible to turn your gaze away as everything burned in front of you. Deep down you registered the uncomfortable ache in your arm, convenience store bag filled full with snacks and drinks, as it clung to the plastic handle.

Fifteen minutes.

It was all you had been gone for. Fifteen minutes ago, you’d been overcome with the need for your favorite ramen. When you’d been unable to find it within your own cupboards you had slipped into your coat and shoes and made the short track down the block to the convenience store that was so nicely located near your own home. You hadn’t put much thought into the sounds of the sirens as they whizzed past the store as you paid for your items. You hadn’t become alarmed when you were still able to hear them when you left the store. Instead you had felt a small ache of pity for whoever required the sirens. Maybe somebody had fallen? Or maybe a heart attack?

You’d only started to worry when the blaring lights of sirens had appeared before you, awfully close to where your own home was. Your heart had clenched when you felt the heat, and then shattered when your home had come into view. There before you, was the home you had worked so hard to buy. The home that you had called yours and proudly filled with your belongings; filled to the brim with your life. Only now it was completely filled with flames. Bright orange and yellow bursting through the windows. The flames so intense and out of control that the house itself couldn’t even contain it.

Already the fireman had the area blocked off. Uniformed men carrying large hoses as they dowsed the house with as much water as they could. It was clear that no matter how much effort they put into it, it wouldn’t matter. You knew that your home was gone, and that all that was inside of it would be swallowed whole along with it.

You’d only been gone for fifteen minutes.

‘What if I had stayed home and not gone for the ramen?’

The thought only had time to brush the surface, making your heart immediately clench again; at least what was left of it. Soon after is when you heard the yelling. The voice that you could recognize at any given time.

“[Y/N] ... [Y/N]!?” the deep baritone of the voice that had graced your ears for two years now wasn’t it’s usually cheery tone. It wasn’t filled with wonder and it was nowhere near clam. It now was laced with fear, a panic that you could feel in your core. Slowly turning, your eyes were met with the figure of your boyfriend as he shoved and pushed his way through the crowd of onlookers that had formed behind you. “Oh my god, baby you’re okay, oh thank god you’re okay.” His voice was a rush of words as he engulfed you in his arms. The plastic bag finally fell from your hands, arms remaining limp at your sides as he held onto you with all his might.

“I thought you were in there, oh god I thought that you were in the fire.” Taehyung’s voice was thick with tears, his hands moving from holding you to him to running all over your body. Up and down your sides, and then up to your cheeks and then one through your hair.

“You’re okay?”

Your voice was still gone, scared away from shock at what was happening so you simply nodded, finally raising your hands so that you could rest your hands on his own. As Taehyung took deep breaths, his eyes never once leaving yours, the demeanor of his mood slowly began to change. Once he was finally sure that you were safe and in no danger, he had his hand around your wrist and was tugging you back through the crowd.

“We need to go.”

“What?” the word came out breathy, the first thing you’d said since finding the scene. “Taehyung what are you talking about? My house!” you say, successfully raising the volume of your voice as you lightly tried to tug your arm away from him. Turning back, you could see that the firemen were getting a better handle on the fire. You were more than sure that you weren’t supposed to leave the scene, that you were supposed to find somebody and let them know that you were the owner.  

Taehyung’s grip didn’t loosen however; if anything, it only got tighter. He tugged a little harder, forcing you to follow him until you were finally to his car. He kept looking around, head turning every which way as if he were looking for somebody as he managed to get the passenger door open and force you inside. Suddenly you’re leaving the scene, leaving the neighborhood, and the city as well. Lights flashing by you in the dark night from the tall buildings until it’s nothing but the light of the car’s headlights. You try a few more times to get Taehyung to tell you where you are going, all of which are unsuccessful until you finally shrink into your passenger seat and stare out the window.

Forty minutes into the drive is when the shock completely melts away from your body. The past three years of your life had just burnt up before your very eyes, and now your boyfriend was scaring the absolute hell out of you. Taehyung, who had been so focused on the driving didn’t register you were crying until the sudden sound of your sobbing broke out into the car.  Unable to simply stop the car, Taehyung does his best to drive with one hand while the other reaches over and attempts to rub soothing circles on your leg and give it reassuring squeezes. His touch does little to comfort you though as you shrink even farther away from him, pressing as much as you can into the passenger side door, forehead pressed against the cold glass.

“Why…won’t you tell me…w-where we’re going?!” you wail out, arms wrapped tightly around yourself as you look at him through the tears. “What’s going on Taehyung?!” your voice is getting louder, higher in pitch with the growing anxiety in your chest. The drive had given your mind time to grasp everything that was going on. Not only the fact that you had lost your house, but also the fact that somehow Taehyung had magically shown up. He’d told you that he was working late that night and wouldn’t be able to come over. You’d hadn’t even texted him upon finding the fire, and yet he’d been there right as things were happening. You didn’t ask him directly how he’d known, but you knew that he probably knew you were catching on to things.

“Why are you acting so weird?” you demanded as your body shifted in its seat. Still staying out of his reach but now looking at him. Just by looking at your eyes, Taehyung knew that he couldn’t keep it in any longer. The guilt was getting too strong in his chest and seeing the pain and hurt in your eyes was causing a similar feeling in his own.

“Okay…okay hold on let me find somewhere to pull over.”

Taehyung agreeing to explain to things to you was both relieving and even more stressful at the same time. You had no idea what this boy was about to tell you, not even sure what was running through his head the majority of the time on a normal day. Taehyung had always been like this; a little secretive and a little too good at changing the subject. Unfortunately, you were easily deterred.

As soon as the car came to a stop things became eerily quiet. The consistent noise of tires running along asphalt left a numbing silence in the air as you watched him expectantly. The longer Taehyung stayed quiet, eyes on the wheel and refusing to look at you only made your anxiety even worse.

“Tae?” calling out the familiar nickname in hopes that this would help the situation. The flinch that flashed across his face wasn’t what you were expecting; heart constricting even tighter.

“I’m in trouble.”

The silence pierces the quiet, your eyebrows furrowing together as you wait for him to further explain. When he doesn’t you respond instead, “What do you mean trouble?”

“I mean…god…I don’t even know where to start.” Never in your life have you seen Taehyung so stressed. Only now with the glow of the cars dashboard do you see the bags under his eyes. As his hand comes up to run through his hair you notice what you think is bruising on his forearm.

“What happened to your arm?” He isn’t startled by the question, but isn’t particularly quick to answer you as well.

“[Y/N]… just close your eyes and listen. These are things I could never tell you.”

“Close my…what do you mean close my eyes?”

“[Y/N] please. I don’t think I can handle you looking at me while I’m telling you what I’m about to tell you.”

By now your heart is beating well past the normal range, breathing a little more ragged. You need answers though. You desperately need to know why Taehyung was there when he was, and why he so suddenly took you away. Very slowly you let your eyelids slide shut, bottom lip sliding into your mouth as you bite down on it. You have to clasp your hands together to keep them from shaking.

“I haven’t been going to work like I told you,” Taehyung says slowly, like he’s unsure where to start. He watches to make sure you don’t open your eyes, but the knit in your brow lets him know that you’re processing what he’s saying, confusion clear on your face right now. “I’ve been lying to you. About three months ago, I got fired from my job. A bunch of layoffs throughout the company, there really wasn’t much that I could.”

Almost immediately you want to interrupt him, open your eyes and demand a better answer. The hitch in his voice as he speaks about the loss of his job is what makes you stop the yearn in your vocal chords. It doesn’t, however, stop the hundreds of questions that flood your system.

“I was upset, frustrated…infuriated. I’d been working there for so long and yet some of the people who’d gotten to stay hadn’t been there nearly as long as me. So, I went to the bar that night. I don’t even know why I approached them. Maybe it was the alcohol that was in my system…I don’t know…”

His voice drones off, not finishing the thought. “Approached who Taehyung?” you ask, jaw tight, unsure where this story is going. What did any of this have to do with you two leaving town? What did any of it have to do with you?

“This group of guys. They were playing poker, and I thought ‘hey why not blow some money over here, maybe I’ll get lucky and even earn some’,” he pauses again, rubbing his eyes. You can’t see him because our eyes are still shut, but some reason it’s almost like you can feel the shame that is radiating off of him. “I was doing good at first. I won the first hand, probably could have just walked away, but I was tipsy and still pissed so I started getting stupid. I lost everything I had won, and then I was betting everything in my wallet, and then I was betting money that I didn’t have. I don’t…I don’t know why I did it [Y/N], I really don’t.”

Your body is so confused for what it should be feeling. A portion is angry…angry that Taehyung would put himself in such a position. Another part is sad though and you just want to open your eyes and reach out for him, because it’s so obvious that there are tears in his voice and that he’s struggling to hold them back. “Then what Tae…?” the question coming out just over a whisper.

“I couldn’t pay them what I bet,” he returns, voice just as soft as he recalls the night. “I really didn’t think they’d take it that serious. Thought maybe they’d be a bit pissed but brush it off…but they didn’t. They knocked me around pretty good, told me that I had a month to get the money together or else they’d start taking matters into their own hands. [Y/N], I didn’t make anywhere close to what I owe them…”

You’re scared to ask but somehow still manage to form the words, “How much do you owe them Taehyung?”

“Ten thousand.”

Your heart stops for the second time that night, a sharp intake of air rushing into your lungs; it causes Taehyung to flinch.

“I couldn’t make that much month in a month. I wasn’t working anymore, the bank would never give ma lone like that, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t go to you or the boys, it was too embarrassing. I really truly thought that they couldn’t be that serious. The bar was nowhere near my apartment, I thought that if I just didn’t show my face around there again, nothing would happen. So, I went back into my routine. I started looking for a new job, I went on like things were normal.”

At this point you can’t possibly keep your eyes closed anymore. Taehyung is close to tears and despite him weakly shaking his head at you, you simply reach forward and grab his hands. The gesture is enough to open the flood dates as he momentarily breaks down. Deep, horrible sobs leaving his chest as you watch helplessly. It takes everything in you to keep your own emotions in check, but you do it for him, and you also do it because you desperately need to understand this situation.

“What happened after that?”

He sniffs, trying to regain some composure as he weakly wipes his face on shoulders. “I started getting threatening texts. They were sending me pictures of myself at my home, where I was during the day…at your house,” the last part is said in a whisper but you still manage to catch it. “I debated going to the cops, but they put that thought to rest right away, told me I’d regret making that sort of move but also said that if I didn’t start paying them off that I’d regret that even more.” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. The tears have stopped, but you almost wish that they would return as to replace the now hollow look that seems to have overtaken Taehyung’s face. “I was scared, so I tried reasoning with them. I told them that I just needed more time, that I couldn’t possibly get that much money in a month. I swear [Y/N], I did everything I could to get them to back off a little but…but it didn’t work.”

Taehyung lets his head drop because now is when he really needs to let you know what’s going on. Now is when he needs to convey to you how serious this situation really is. “Do you remember how your tires were slashed a few weeks ago?”

The question feels off topic at first, but it doesn’t take long for you to realize that what Taehyung has been telling you is connected to it. “They did it?” your eyes growing wide as he sadly nods at you. He’s looking at you now, begging for you to realize the next thing he’s about to tell you. His eyes beg you to figure it out for yourself. It takes a moment but the moment the thought enters your thoughts, your face falls, hand flying to your mouth as a broken sob leaves your mouth.

“My house…” you weakly sob, burying your face completely within your palms and hunching forward. This time Taehyung is fully there for you. He’s got his hands rubbing your back and he’s urging you to breath and take a deep breath. It doesn’t hide the fact that tears are also running down his own face however.

“I was so scared,” he whispers to you. “They sent me a text saying that my first payment was being forced tonight and sent me a picture of your house along with a can of gasoline,” there’s no point in holding back tears anymore as you both cling to one another. His face is buried in your neck, strands of your hair sticking to the tear trail on his cheeks. “I thought you were dead. I thought they had killed you, oh my god I can’t believe you’re here…you’re safe…you’re still safe…”

You aren’t sure when the two of you pull away from one another. Aren’t certain when Taehyung twists the key in the ignition or when he pulls up to the little motel that’s about two hours outside of your city. All you remember is weakly getting out and following Taehyung to your room, body falling onto the bed. You’re exhausted yet on edge at the same time, mentally trying to process this night. Deep down you know that Taehyung is the root cause of what happened. You know that you should be furious, yelling and screaming at him for not only putting himself in this situation but you as well. How stupid he was to get involved with a clearly dangerous group of men. A group of men who had intentionally gone to your house to set it on fire while you were inside; to try and kill you.

The thought sends shivers through your entire being as you lay on your side in the stiff motel bed. Your eyes are cast towards the windows, curtains drawn. What happens if another pair of headlights pull into the driveway? Will it be the men tracking you down? Will it be police? Everything in your world suddenly feels so uncertain. Even though you should be angry, should refuse to even look at him, you relax when Taehyung’s arms slowly wrap around you.

You should kick him and shove him away.

However, you know that he’s aware of the seriousness of this situation.

You should steal his keys when he falls asleep and run to the police, beg for help.

But you know that neither of you will be getting proper sleep and he’d catch you.

You should be home, lying in bed eating your favorite ramen cup with the worst movie imaginable playing on the TV.

Instead your lying motionless, eyes trained on the window as tears leak slowly from your eyes, unsure for what tomorrow will bring…unsure for your safety as well as Taehyungs…

…becoming a debt that would be paid by any means.