change pronouns as fit, lots of trigger warnings ahead, taken from multiple characters

• “Click. I just captured the exact moment you realized you had failed. I guess we all got something out of this.”
• “I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.”
• “People receive meaningless threats all the time. It’s really no big deal.”
• “I’m surprised you’ve read Othello.”
• “Well, no one asked you. It’s a self-evaluation.”
• “We’re a package deal, everyone knows that.
• “Oh, great! I’ll take my shirt off.”
• “I’m in unspeakable pain.”
• “Oh, I really came in here with the wrong energy.”
• “I am flummoxed! That’s a word I learned for this party, and I am it!”
• “Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.”
• “I’d rather walk into the freezing ocean.”
• “I remember that old bag. She was my favorite.”
• “Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I’ll turn it up.”
• “"Kind, sober and fully dressed.” Good news, everyone. We found the name of [name]’s sex tape!“
• ” Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?“
• “Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that’s right ‘cause it threatens death!”
• “ When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.”
• “You don’t out grow punk, sir/ma'am.”
• “Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway.”
• “I’m really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.”
• “ No one knows. I am a rock. I am an island. I have lapsed into song lyrics again.”
• “Not a gift, snitch. It didn’t cost me anything. Just my worthless man hours.”
• “Don’t remind me. I’m going to be untangling that web for a month.”
• “And when this is over, I’m going to find you, and I’m going to break those little fingers.”
• “Nope. I’m gonna wait ‘til I’m on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately. ”
• “I’ve only said I love you to three people. My mom, my dad and my dying [relative]. And one of those I regret.”
• “ I’m gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.”
• “Thank you, [name]. Your entire life is garbage.”
• “I cannot believe that I’m considering a non-violent option.”
• “My [erelative] always said, “Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie.” Fun fact: she/he/they made me cry a lot.“
• “Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good [profession] and I will not be made a fool of.”
• “I thought he was faking it. I wanted to splash the lies out of him.”
• “Seriously, you are beautiful. If he/she/they ever lies to you again, you can call me.”
• “Okay, just so we’re clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.”
• “Yeah, I’m not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his/her/their fiber.”
• “Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!”
• “ I’ve talked a lot about [name] in my departmentally-mandated therapy sessions.”
• “You should take my minivan.”
• “ I was working out and I saw a muscle in my shoulder I’d never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.”
• “Your head is so small. It is so small. Where do you keep your brains?”
• “Probably not. I mean he/she/they seems like the kind of laid back guy/girl/person who delights in having his/her/their mistakes exposed.”
• “ Don’t move as a group! You’re not gazelles!”
• “I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!”
• “Baby, I’ve got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan.”
• “I threw away the photo because I think it’s ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven’t earned a place on the wall.”
• “I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.”
• “So nice of you to greet us, [name]. I thought surely you’d still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.”
• “approval ratings are - pardon my language - in the commode.”
• “Look at that. You’ve helped me find my smile.”
• “That is amazingly funny.”
• “You’re a grown man/woman/adult, [name]. Strong like an Oak.”
• “Their components have a long shelf life, they’re cost effective, and they’re so simple a child could make them.”
• “Dress it up however you want, that’s some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.”
• “So you choose your [relative] over me, your co-worker who hates you?”
• “Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pacman dies.”
• “Honestly, I’m going to last forever. You hear that bitches? I’m gonna last forever.”
• “My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me.”
• “All men/women/people are at least 30% attracted to me.”
• “At any given moment, I’m thinking about one thing: [name] hunkered over eating dog food.”
• “Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.”
• “Mmm-kay. No hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye.”
• “Hi, [name], the human form of the 100 Emoji.”
• “Hold it up. You’re gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there?”
• “You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.”
• “I am prepared to light [name] on fire in protest.”
• “After zero consideration, I’m happy to say, “hard pass.”“
• "Sounds like a genetic disorder.”
• “We didn’t want to say anything that would get us uninvited.”
• “You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.”
• “Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?”
• “Get your act together, or so help me God, you won’t live to see retirement.”
• “Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, [name].”
• “Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.”
• “Who wants to have sex with a tree?”
• “Take me to the land of vending machines.”
• “It takes a big person to admit when they’re being a total dumb-dumb.”
• “Can’t spill food on your shirt if you’re not wearing one.”