Deadlifted 405. 3 reps 8 sets.

I jacked off twice today.

I also jacked off twice today. You wanna FaceTime for round three?

not before I go do my deadlifts. I've got 406 lbs, 4 reps, 9 sets today.

Have a great time! :)

"That should be long enough for me to jack off at least two more times. He'll stand no chance against my empty balls and desensitized dick. I'll be sure to win this session."

Thanks bestie, I will!

"If he were Kira, he'd likely to use this time to jack off again... No... Maybe several times. It would be wise to bring my stroker with me to the gym so I can get at least another load out between sets. Such a dangerous foe, one can never be too cautious."

Fucking gold, holy shit

dentists will splash some water in your mouth and youll think "oh a nice drink of water i was parched" just for them to suck it back out with their wretched little tube. disingenuous behavior

i am fascinated by how the “creepy or wet gym” bot post and “wireless controller has wires inside” greentext have merged over time into this combination of the two. it’s like a business merger that nobody knows happened

catopumas are so interesting 2 me bc theres only two species so far in the genus, and its either

a very gentle looking asian golden cat

very kind looking, round. 10/10

and then the other in the genus is

the bay cat, or as i like to call them - the weasel cat. long, kinda weird looking, but still 10/10 despite the weaselness.

a noble old wizard, and her mushroom-addled warlock roommate

i must not get takeout. takeout is the wallet-killer. takeout is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face the kitchen, fridge, and pantry. i will make choices about what to cook and then execute them. when hunger is gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.

The problem: you are Michael Bublé, it is 2011 and you would like to make a Christmas album. Your producers want you to sing the classic Christmas song "Santa, Baby," but if you sing it as intended, it's gonna come off as, like, super gay

The proposed solution: you will rewrite the lyrics to the song to imply a platonic friendship between yourself and the man in red, making Santa a real bro who's gonna help you get laid by some hunnies, with cool, masculine gifts like a steel blue convertible, a yacht and tickets to a Canadian hockey game

The reality: the combination of the eroticism of your voice and the inherently sexual vibes of the song means you create a story about a closeted gay guy desperately repressing his desire to - as the kids say - fuck that old man, no homo'ing your way through asking him to trim your tree, promising you'll be such a good boy if he treats you well, and begging him to slide down your chimney

THIS IS........ DECISION 2023

It's time for us to finally give these guys the election they always deserved. vote now on your phones

“Oh tumblr is the gay communism website” and then you vote for fucking Mop again

im only like 60% kidding when i say that anyone voting for someone other than Wretched Tooth is a neolib

@wretchedtooth

Fucking educate y'allselves, he's in prison for US, and Mop is literally to blame

#FreeWretchedTooth

dying at the barricades for wretched tooth

absolutely legendary fucking poster holy shit

You think THATS a denim jacket?

Surely you

That punchline hit me like a sack of wet mice

Like a sack of what

just found out i've been abandoned by god which means he's not watching anything i do anymore. you should come over.

losing my mind at this amazing story from r/dndmemes some people’s dnd adventures are just. So Fucking Cool

here’s the link and the story, it’s Amazing

How we weigh an octopus!

i’m reeling over this ad to where i can’t even think of anything funny to say about it

Perfect way to describe Ross

when i describe myself as evil i mean it primarily in the sense that i am an enemy of the church

the "I believe in abortion only in extreme situations" people (especially women) truly baffle me because I genuinely consider "a human has another human growing inside of them and does not want to" to be a very extreme situation. to me that feels so deeply like an extreme emergency situation. I know this has been said before but it's incredible to me that this does not feel innately horrifying and "extreme" to everyone.

"Good morning, darling"

I want to wake to this every morning!