I can't do this anymore
I’m so sorry everyone, but I just can’t do this anymore. School, theatre, writing, it all demands so much of my time. Hell, I’m trying to write plays and audition and I just can’t anymore.
Recently listening to Hamilton has just made me feel helpless, made me cry, and not in a good way. I just can’t…I can’t shake the worthless feeling anymore, no matter how much I try to ignore it.
I love Hamilton, it’s amazing and it brought my spirit so high before but I can’t handle it anymore. It hurts to realize that there are people so talented when I’ll never be anything, never do anything, never be the actress I want to be.
Hell, I cried watching Moana because she was so young but so talented and she had what I wanted but could never find.
I can’t keep doing this when it hurts so much. And I’m sorry, I really am, but when it makes me want to tear open my thighs again I know I have to stop.
Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, but I can’t keep doing this. You all mean so much to me but…when thinking about this hurts the way it does, I can’t.
Because I’m trying. But it all came to a head when I auditioned and the directors were just sitting in the back of the theater and the pianist was playing the song and I couldn’t remember the words, I froze up. I never freeze up on stage, acting is where I belong, the stage is the only place I feel at home, the only place I belong. But I couldn’t do it.
The whole walk home, I thought about my future. My plans to go to live in New York, audition for plays and she centrally Broadway. My hopes of becoming an actress, of finishing one of the fucking plays I write and maybe having people enjoy it.
I don’t…I don’t usually cry but I couldn’t take it anymore. This life, every dream I ever fucking had, the only thing that made me happy was vanishing.
Because it’s hard to be in theater. It’s incredibly hard to be an actress. But I realized then that I wasn’t talented like I thought, I’m average. And average doesn’t cut it.
So thank you, but I just can’t do this anymore.